5.20 – Physical punishment
Do you want your children to use words or force to deal with conflicts? If you would prefer that they do not use hitting as a solution to conflict then it’s important that you shouldn’t be modelling it as acceptable and normal behaviour.
We have already looked at how our children copy us. Seeing us hit a sibling, or using other forms of aggression, is likely to show them that aggression is the best solution to a disagreement.
A positive relationship is built on mutual respect, not on fear and resentment. After all, would you respect someone who hit you? Hitting doesn’t explain why what they did was wrong or what would be right. Hitting just leaves the child confused and angry. All she will have learned is that she will get hit sometimes, but will not know why because it has not been explained to her.
We have discussed many ways to deal with children’s behaviour. Please try them first. Hitting a child is never justified, in the same way as we reject any form of violence against adults. Whilst the law allows some corporal punishment, most parents and experts agree that physical punishment is not acceptable as a way to educate our children. If you have smacked your child in the past, please think about what happened and why.
Use your journal to write down what happened, and focus on three things:
- What happened? Write down what happened before (for example: we had been having a number of spats through the day, with Emma just not wanting to do any of the things she was asked to do. We had to go and see some relatives, but she had been asked to a party…)
- How did you feel afterwards, and how did your child feel?
- In you lived in one of many other countries, it would be illegal to hit your child. What could you have done instead?
For more information on smacking and physical punishment visit the following websites: www.childrenareunbeatable.org.uk, www.nspcc.org.uk and www.lawandparents.co.uk – enter ‘smacking’ into the search box.
We have looked at various techniques for dealing with discipline. Some will be easier to use than others, and some will not be useful in certain situations. Think about them as tools in your parenting toolbox:
- One to one time.
- Behaving well ourselves and modeling positive behaviour.
- Positive attention and praise.
- Ignore when you can.
- Being clear.
- Negotiation.
- Star charts and contracts.
- Avoiding arguments.
We also looked at physical punishment, and asked you to think long and hard about how you feel about using it. If you are ready to try some of these techniques, don’t do it all at once, but introduce the change gradually. It is quite natural for children to rebel when presented with new situations, Be patient, persevere, and use your Journal/Diary to write down what worked and what didn’t. In the next session we will look at how you can find support and how we can help children learn constantly through everyday activities, then at self esteem and finally an action plan.