6.10 – Self esteem

Feeling good about ourselves isn’t always easy. Much of what we deal with in life can leave us feeling battered and bruised. Former abuse, brainwashing or being brought up in an overly critical environment (home or school) can contribute to low self esteem.

But if we don’t look at how we feel about ourselves and our achievements we are going to find it very difficult to teach our children to value their own lives.

We suggest that you look at this page and consider whether any of the low self esteem signs listed below apply to you.

If they do, we suggest that you look at improving the way you feel about yourself by joining local groups or through online courses like Everyday Assertiveness. There are many personal development courses available, eg this course from the BBC.

Can you see yourself in any of these statements?

Withdrawing from social situations.
Expecting very little out of life for yourself.
Feeling like you don’t fit in.
Anxiety and feeling very emotional.
Lack of self-confidence. Bouts of sadness (depression).
Unable to accept a compliment.
Being more critical of yourself and your children than of others.
Doing lots of favours for other people so that they’ll like you.
Focusing on negative things.
Worrying about what people think of you.
Neglecting yourself – physically, emotionally and mentally.
Stressing about how you treat other people.
Fear of taking on a challenge.
Fear of putting yourself first.
Being unable to trust your own opinion.
Drug use, eating issues, alcohol, smoking (too much).

Raising our self esteem

It’s not easy to talk ourselves out of low self esteem. It’s not enough to hear our best friend telling us “Don’t be silly – you are fantastic!” or “We all think you are great!” The process of rebuilding self esteem and feeling good about our lives can take time. It is also dependent on some of our fundamental needs being met; without this step it is very difficult to rebuild ourselves. We need to look after ourselves, work out what we need and work hard to change. Let’s have a look at the things that most of us need:

Meaning, purpose and goals.
To give and receive attention.
To look after our bodies and minds.
Spirituality – could be religion, enjoying nature, meditation.
To be mentally stimulated and have opportunities to be creative.
Love, affection, connections.
To feel safe and secure.
Recognition from others – status.
To feel in control – at least of ourselves.

We can’t have all of these things all of the time; don’t worry, we won’t fall to pieces if some are lacking but in the longer term we need to try to include all of what we need in our lives to feel ‘whole’.

Think about the list above. You might want to write in your Journal/Diary how many of these you feel you are able to say, “Yes, I have this in my life.”, then if there are gaps, you can think of ways to fill them.

Look after yourself: We all exaggerate parts of our experience and play down others. If we expand the bad stuff and belittle the good stuff, low self esteem will result!

Take credit for your successes, think about what you are good at, think positively, address the gaps in your needs on a daily basis, do things for yourself (for at least half an hour every day).

What follows won’t cure low self esteem instantly but we all need ‘pick me ups’.

Next: 6.11 – Children’s self esteem Back: 6.9 – Helping your children learn through everyday activities

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