6.11 – Children’s self esteem
It is our job to do everything we can to help our children develop positive self esteem. If we are critical of our children and don’t approve of them they will lack confidence. We need to teach them that they can reach their goals and that it isn’t necessarily what we have (material gains), it is rather what we feel – cared for, loved, important, able and rich in the things that money can’t buy!
Children need to feel OK about themselves. We know that children feel safer when you put rules and boundaries in place and discuss them (we’ve covered this earlier in the course). Listen to children, be honest with them and offer choices.
How to Help Raise our Children’s Self Esteem
Don’t compare and challenge
Don’t compare your children to yourself: “I never did that!” or to their siblings or cousins, “Your sister doesn’t give me this trouble!” This will only make them feel inferior and can make them resent you and the person they’re being compared to. You don’t have to undermine someone to try to get them to do better. Try saying things more positively, “Is there anything I can do to help you with your homework?”, “You’re bright enough to work this out – you just need to give it some time and focus.”, “What’s troubling you? Let’s talk; I don’t like to see you upset.’
Don’t say things that will make people feel guilty – have rational conversations about what the issue is and come to an agreement.
Encourage your children’s friendships
Having friends, being liked and avoiding peer group pressure are very important to children. Invite your children’s friends into your house, be nice to them and get to know them. Having friends or someone to talk to, learn with and confide in helps with independence and takes the pressure off you.
Support interests and abilities
Support your children with their interests (sports, reading, clubs, art etc.) Everybody has a talent for something. Sometimes it takes a while to find out what the children really enjoy and it might mean enrolling them for gym class, basketball, karate, fencing, dance, art or other classes, clubs or groups and seeing how they get on (don’t spend lots of money on equipment until they have decided this one is definitely for them!) It might be an opportunity to learn new hobbies for yourself too and to meet new people.
If children are feeling good about their abilities, they develop high self esteem and being involved in something constructive can go some way to keeping them out of trouble in their teens.
Spend time with your children
Let them know you enjoy their company, love them and just like being with them.
Talk to your children
Talk to them all the time about what you, and they, want to talk about – be available and open for the “difficult issues’.
Show physical affection
Do this all the way through their lives. They always need hugs and kisses (not publicly after a certain age maybe!) and if hugs and kisses feel awkward, a tousle of the hair or pretend “thump” of the arm can be enough.
Educate them on their family roots
Children and young people need to know who they are and where they are from; it is important for their sense of identity. Make a family tree, get the old photos out, talk to grandparents, keep family traditions alive and help children to feel positive about their culture and heritage. Libraries and community organisations can help if you struggle with this yourself.
Teach politeness
This is important because in difficult situations politeness goes a long way. ‘Please’ and ‘thank you’, kindness, courtesy along with good social skills are so important and people tend to like people more if they consider them polite and easy to get on with.
Allow individuality and independence
Your children are not going to have the same taste as you and may go through stages of wearing clothes or hairstyles that aren’t your cup of tea! Talk about the rules (around piercings, tattoos etc) and don’t judge them. Remember what you used to wear! Think about encouraging independence, try to say yes to children if you can and work out the rules/plan/safety concerns e.g. “Yes you can go to the party but I would like the address and I would like you to come home with a friend before 11 pm’.
Help children to learn about the world around them
Look at world events, the news, discuss social issues and values and morals, talk about rights and responsibilities, discuss local community issues and how to “get involved” and support others. Get involved yourself!
Promote education
Help with homework, use the library, talk about jobs and careers, develop interests and abilities and be a good role model yourself (do you study?). Foster a good relationship with your child’s school, attend parents’ evenings and find a quiet space for study.
What are you saying?
What we say to our children is incredibly important. Praise should be given as much as possible.
Let’s think about ways we can help to develop our children’s self esteem by recognising them as individuals with their own talents. In the next activity we are going to ask you to think of what your children are good at and how you can acknowledge them.
Look at the following examples. Think about similar ways you can praise your children. Write some ideas in your Journal/Diary.
| What the child can do | Ways to praise |
|---|---|
| Theresa is good at baking cakes. | “Theresa, your baking is second to none. These cakes are delicious. I am so proud of you.” |
| Tianna has won her karate tournament. | “Tianna you put your heart and soul into that. You have great skill and self discipline. I am the proudest Dad in the world.” |
| Ali has written a great short story for English homework. | “Ali, your imagination is fantastic and your grammar and spelling are improving so much. It is a brilliant story. Well done! Keep it up. You are a star.” |
| Diarmid has helped look after his baby brother. | “Diarmid you are so good with the baby. I really do appreciate your help, thanks so much, you made my day.” |