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Hi ya,
Does anyone know what rights a 12 year old has... my son wants to live with his dad, well more like the other children. Last year my ex refused to bring him back because he said he wanted to live with him. That is in the past but it is happening again.
My concern is if my ex takes me to court to have custody over him what chances do i have of losing him, i am so scared of losing him, i can't be a PT Mum
We were never married
He has no parental rights at the moment
He refuses to pay through the CSA
He has just split with his ex, and at the moment my son has been staying with his ex and the children whilst he is at work. Although i am postive my ex will get back together with his wife just so that he can prove he has a stable home.
My son doesnt want to live with his dad, but the other children ( she has 5 children 3 are his)
My ex is extermely manulipative and manages to convience my son to do anything and my son thinks it was his idea.
Any advice would be great, or if someone has a similar situation
Hi Louise,
Thanks for that, i guess i am really scared of losing him, he has been my old world and i have done everything for him, and put my life on hold for him.
I did consider shared care, but to me that would only work if both my ex and myself get on well? At the moment he is trying to intimidate and blackmail me into doing everything his well, and he is manipulating our son as well. So i cant see it working.
I did consider Sun-Wed with his dad and Thurs to sat with me and also consider alternative week, but i think it would be a bit of an upheaval for j and cause more emotional stress for him. As he wouldnt know where he was half the time.
He gets so much homework at the moment and he has a hard time keeping on track with that, so wouldnt it be much worse if he was coming and going?
Also i am just really scared, it makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
Not sure how it would work, as at the moment my ex split with his wife, he(my ex) lives with his parents, but when my son stays he actually stays at his ex wifes home with the children as there is room at my ex's parents.
Or am i wrong in my thinking?
As you are the resident parent, it is up to you what level of contact is beneficial for your son (unless a court rules otherwise). If you suspect parental alienation you can reduce contact on those grounds. Warn first. Then act.
If the connection is with the children, perhaps they can come and have sleepovers with you? Then your son gets the fun of a big group without the risk of alienation.
Document instances of alienation and other forms of abuse in case it is needed in court later. You do not have to give up your son. It is in his interests to have continuity of care with you and no further disruption or instability in his life.
hug sy
It sounds as you have had experience with this?
Things is at the moment i am the enemy, my son is not happy with me because i wont let him live with his dad ( he has just spent the last 5 weeks with him), and my ex is using that to make my son hate me even more. i just cant win, no matter what i do.
My son does want to live with his dad and beside the fear i have of losing him, i dont trust his dad, he isn't very obvious about the manipulation, he does it so sneakly that when i was with him i was so scared of him and he had a way of making me change my mind and make me feel it was my idea. So there is no chance for a 12 year old boy.
It not something you can document, or have proof, does that make sense?
i guess i shouldnt stop worrying until the paperwork comes from the court ( that if he does go through with taking me to court for custody)
but i hate feeling like a bad mother, when all i am doing is trying to look after my son.
Yes it is heart-wrenching for you, I do understand.
One school of thought would say just let him go to his dad for a while and he will soon see that it is not all it is cracked up to be. However, if it was my own boy then I do not think I would be prepared to risk that. (I would just add that over years of working with families that are separated, I have seen that it is quite common for boys to suddenly want to live with their father for a while at the age of 12 or 13)
As for not being able to "prove" things, I think sadsy was suggesting keeping a diary of events (an exercise book?) with the date and what happened, eg. "X came back from his dad's house. Says he wants to be with the other children (who are not living with his dad) Explained that to him. He threw a massive tantrum and said that I am not looking after him properly. I know that is what his dad has told him to say".....or whatever it is that has actually happened and what you think is the background.
Hi Louise,
ah yes that makes more sense, maybe i should start that... thanks :-)
I almost did let him go and live with his dad, but got really scared in the last minute and backed out, i was going to consent to trial it but i am scared he wouldnt want to come back after the trial period and then i lost him for good and if i wanted to get him back i would struggle as i willingly gave him up.
All I can do is send you my best wishes.
It is something I always feared.
I would feel the same, Jasemine. The reason I told you I had seen the situation often was that it is no reflection on you, and although your boy's behaviour is hurtful to you, you are not alone 
Hi Jasemine, sorry you are facing this. I would feel exactly the same way as you.
Hi Louise, I was very interested in what you said about how sometimes boys want to go and live with the father, at the age of about 12. Have you ever known this to happen when the father has never been around? Obviously I'm now wondering if when C gets to that age, would he suddenly show an interest in doing this?
Well I am not the oracle, alisoncam but I would not have thought that at all likely as there is no relationship there. However, he may start showing more interest in "what is my dad like?" etc. It is something to do with boys hitting puberty and searching for male role models (not that you see his father as a role model, I know!!!) That's why it is a good idea for single mums with boys to try and search out good male role models as they get older.
It's quite hard though, as most teachers of younger children are women, as are the volunteers that work with them in organisations such as Cubs, so unless you have handy relatives (and like you, I don't) then it often has to wait until secondary school age. Might be worth talking about men he sees on on TV though, not the Phil Mitchells (
) but the decent guys like Roy and Graham on Corrie.
Hi Jasemine,
I'm sorry to hear your going through such a difficult time. You are not a bad Mum, you are trying to look out for your son's best interests. Its because you love him so much that this is so difficult. As a mother of two son's this sort of thing scares the wits out of me. Your right we do put our lives completly on hold for so many years.
I have many adult friends who had shared custody arrangements with thier parents, both alternate weeks and half the week. For most it worked really well. Homework is a considerable issue in this but if you communicate with the school then he could have two homework diaries and perhaps they could give you a homework schedule. Could you and your ex communicate regarding school? Perhaps by email?
Thinking of you.
HelenT
Hi Jasemine
Your maternal instincts should be trusted, it is interesting that your son is saying that he wants to be with the other children rather than with his father, have I got that right?
I would really recommmend finding someone local to you that can support you and your son with this. I get the feeling that your ex has been manipulative (ie abusive) in the past, so I am wondering if you can find a local Freedom Programme in your area, this would help you to understand the effects of manipulation can have on the children.
Does your son have friends in your area? Does he do any hobbies? I am wondering whether you could find an activity to do together? If you are feeling guilty and worrying about your son and feeling that you are not providing the best home for your son, he may be picking up on this. Can you remind your son that he is your world and you love it that he enjoys the time he spends with his dad and his girlfriends children, but you are a family and that is the way it is?
Do you think you and your son have difficulty communicating? Young Minds are an excellent organisation who have a parents helpline to support you with any issues you may be facing and ways of dealing with them.
You may also want to contact the Childrens Legal Centre, who can give you advice around your son's legal rights as well as your own.
Let us know how you get on Jasemine, it is a difficult time, but you will get through this, keep reaching out wherever you can, you may also consider a parenting programme to give you strength in your convictions?
Hello Jasemine
In Scotland the law states that children from the age of 12 can choose. In England there is no clear guideline but the older the child, the more likely their views are to be taken into consideration. Of course once your son is 16, he can live where he chooses, independently if he wants to.
The CSA money issue is irrelevant. Even though your son's father has not paid, it does not count against him having contact or care. When you say the father has no "parental rights", I am guessing you mean he does not have parental responsibility. He can apply to the court for this and although you may oppose it, it is unlikely the court will deny him unless you can prove that they have no relationship, which is clearly not the case.
If your son's dad has split up with his partner, then how would living with his dad enable him to live with the othe children? Only if he had day to day care of them too. Maybe this is something you could mention to your son, in a calm way?
I can't tell you what a court would say about any application his dad might make for residence because the judge would have to take such a lot of factors into consideration. How would you feel about shared care? That would seem to be a compromise. Some people have alternate weeks or part of the week each. Is this practical in terms of geography?
If you do get any indication of possible legal action, then I would recommend seeing a solicitor for legal advice. Click here to find one close to you.
There isn't an easy answer here, Jasemine and I am sorry that there isn't, but I do believe it is better to be straight with you about what may or may not happen