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Hi ,
I have just found this wonderful site, (where have i been ?)
I have a terrible teenager , I really am at my wits end as to know what to do next. I already have 3 adult children and was somehow convinced by my secound husband to have more children as he didn't have any. Fair enough I hear you say but then by the time the youngest was a year old husband decided parenting was'nt all it was cracked up to be and inspite of being a mature, snsible and a professional man (or so I thought) we have,nt seen him since or received any financial help, sadly there are no parents or in-laws so it's down to me. I am really worried that if I don't get a grip on her behaviour she will come to harm (13 year old daughter) she smokes , drinks and is a bit of a bully, shows no signs of love anymore but can be kind to her peers.
I know that as yet she is not taking drugs but she looks about 18 and I am beginning to feel very old and tired.
Help !!
Tess
Hello tess
I have welcomed you on another thread and now I can write to you at more length.
Firstly you have a lot of experience as a parent with your older three so I am guessing that your 13 year old's behaviour is a bit of a new thing for you, or at least the others were a bit older when they started on difficult teen behaviour?
It is entirely normal that a teenager will care deeply about their peers and "seem" to hate and resent everyone else. Indeed they appear not to develop empathy until they are a lot older 
.
How is the "bullying" behaviour manifesting? You can work closely with the school to alleviate that. Children usually behave like this for a reason. Has anything changed lately at school or at home? Sparkling lime has suggested some counselling for her and I endorse this. If not through the school then it is almost certain there will be some in your local community.
As far as the smoking and drinking goes, where is she getting these messages from? Are you a smoker? Or is the behaviour a rebellion against you or copying her peers? Lots of different possibilities! Where is she getting the money from to smoke and drink? Restricting that might be one answer. What interests does she have? I know that teens are notorious for having NO interests but if you can just find something that would occupy her and distract her from the current peer group then once again that is time away from that behaviour.
Another thing I noticed in your post is that she seems suddenly unloving. That is very hurtful to a parent. One day you are the bees knees, the next day they treat you like the devil incarnate! Try to remain loving to HER. Resist the temptation to say "you don't love me any more", instead praise praise praise the slightest thing she does right. Sometimes with teens we are waiting a long time until they do ANYTHING we can praise (!) so don't forget we can praise for being as well as doing...so you could say "You are such a good friend to X, I am really proud of you" or "You always look lovely in blue" or "I noticed you hung your coat up when you came in, thanks for that, I do appreciate it"
I am posting some links to our own section about Teenagers here (lots of articles on different aspects) and also a fab book here, which has helped me a great deal.
Keep posting!
Hi Tess, I've only just recently joined too and the support I have received so far has been excellent.
Although my children (son A 10) (daughter J 6 wks) are not at that age yet I feel my own experiences may be of help as I am now 32 and can reflect and make sense of the things.
My parents seperated when I was 8, my Mum left the family home which of course left me feeling all sorts of different emotions.
From the age of 12 I would say I started to 'rebel'. Doing all the things your daughter is doing. My peers were the influence and the people I looked upto as my Dad was working really hard and understandbly had very little time for me and my two other siblings. I felt I always needed to impress my peers to get recognition and I suppose I digested that as praise in a funny sort of way. I also stole money (so ashamed to say that now)
from my Dad and Mum when I visited. This was to buy the cigs and
alcohol. I was given alot of freedom from a young age which in retrospect gave me the freedom to get up to such things.
I also (ashamed to say again) got into fights and could be quite aggresive. This was down to feeling really angry about things and not being given the opportunity to vent this in other ways. You need schools support and again councilling/talking to someone about her feelings is key.
I never got any support so constantly rebelled into my late teens. I was a nightmare as a child.
There is light at the end of the tunnel though. I am now an Accountant earning a good salary, own my own home (although I'm renting it out) another story.. lol
Be there for her even when you feel like 'killing' her. Try being totally homest with her. She might just want a hug and a good cry to release all of her anger and frustration.
I didn't have any other interests other than hanging around with my mates. And I think to encourage your daughter to take up other interests would distract her from this environment which in my experience can get alot worse if she makes bad choices. I don't want this to distress you as I don't know your daughter and everything depends on personalities and of course some of this behaviour is part of being a teen. My relationship broke down with my Dad at the age of 14 and I ended up moving in with my mum. I lasted two years there and then ventured into the big world alone!
The main thing that sticks with me is feeling 'not wanted' and going elsewhere for that belonging which also meant copying/joining in i.e. smoking, drinking etc so to be accepted. It was the little things that I missed which I recognised other friends did. Like having a family meal, going on a shopping trip with my Mum. I suppose being given the opportunity to just talk about what was worrying me would have helped. The councilling would have been key for me and would have no doubt helped me to get things off my chest.
In no way do I want what I have put to sound patronising as Louise has said your a mother to 4 other children and will be much more wiser than me on alot of other subjects. I just wanted to share with you my experiences.
Feel free to ask any questions in the search to try and understand her behaviour.
Good luck and I'm sure now you've asked for help your daughter will be fine and your relationship will gt back on track.
Take care AJxx
That was a really honest post AJ. You turned out great despite your rebellious years, as I'm sure Tess's daughter will too.
Thanks, AJ, for sharing. The "belonging" thing has really struck a chord with me, I am sure that is something that can affect many teens
Hi Tess. Keep on plugging away. I decided all I could do was my best. My son went off the rails and is still off the rails at 18. My daughter seems to be ok and because of everything she has been through regards my son I think and hope she will go the opposite way.
I was told years ago that I could only do my best and the rest was pure luck.
Hi tess, thanks for sharing what is going on for you and thanks AJ for sharing your experience too.
I too, was pretty similar to your daughter and I think AJ hits the nail on the head for me, it was a sense of belonging that I felt I lacked at home. My older brothers had left home and were travelling or working and had their own flats and life and my mum and dad had each other, we moved to a new city and I thought I had no-one. So hit the streets to find my own family.
I share this as I wonder if your daughter feels as though all your other children are more bonded and closer with you than she is? Is she growing up as a single child?
Do you have any time where you can just 'be' with her? Go out for a girly shop? Ask her opinion about latest music/fashion whatever she is interested in? Are any of your older children, female? Does she get on with any of her older siblings?
I cannot thank all you lovely people enough, I actually cried when I read your reply's, no critisism, no judging and massive empathy. This is the first time I have not felt alone.
In answer to a few of the issues raised, I don't smoke though I could start !!
my daughter used to steal money from me but now I am really careful not to leave my purse hanging around so hopefully she will not steal from anywhere else.
I was so lucky with my older children in that the worst of their teenage behaviour was just sulking, answering back and terrible bedrooms, nothing on this scale so I suppose it was due, one out of five perhaps isn't so bad after all!
I take so much hope from all your reply's and feel reassured that she may develop empathy at some point in the future,meanwhile I will continue to try to keep her safe, tell her how much I love her and try again to get her to take up the offer of counselling that she has so far refused from the school.
Thank you all again for your warmth and the sense of belonging you have given me , keep up the good work!
Tess
Do keep posting Tess, it is good for ALL of us to know that we are in this together as parents. Of course it is easy for us to feel we are to blame if oour children get into bother but mostly we are not, we all do the best that we can, sometimes we can tweak our behaviour but mainly it is about understanding and loving them, which you are doing a great job at.
Hi tess thanks for your lovely response 
What are the chances of you and her spending a girly evening together?
Hi Tess
I was married to The Git for 20 years, and he has moved away. I've been lucky though, as although the children have been angry, although there are moments I think I'm losing it, so far we are surviving.
You say the school has been supportive - are they able to offer counselling at the school? My eldest (now 19), hit a crisis point at 15, and was offered counselling. It did seem to help him, although the parent isn't involved (which probably is the best thing for them).
I am fortunate as I do have the support of my ex-in-laws.
I know Louise will be able to offer some brilliant advice.