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Hi. My daughter has refused to go to school since the week before Christmas '12 (now 7 weeks). We have seen our GP and waiting to see a councellor. My daughter refuses, point blank, to discuss anything to do with school and if I do raise the subject she either throws a tantrum or hides under a blanket and ignores me. Any other time she is a lovely girl. She will not open up to anyone.
Hello TopCat1230 and welcome to One Space
Many teenagers go through a period of not going to school, not that I am minimising the problem, but just to reassure you that you are not the only one and even though the school can make you feel your child is unusual, she isn't!
Ok so this started just before Christmas. There must be a reason. She obviously has not told you the reason and does not feel able to do so at the moment. You have done what you can to get her some counselling and are still waiting to see someone. I presume you have also asked the school what resources they can give you to help, for example a Pupil Support Officer. You could also seek theie reassurance that your daughter could return to school part-time if this is what it takes.
You must feel so worried and yet so frustrated that your daughter won't talk to you. Unfortunately, the more you ask, the less likely she is to tell you. Therefore, I would suggest steer away from the subject for a while and concentrate on other things, perhaps even saying to her let's have an amnesty on the school thing and do something else. Concentrate on building your relationship together. You can do this in a number of ways. Spending one to one time together is one of the very best plans. She needs to feel more confident and you can praise and compliment her and enjoy activities together. If she is reluctant to do this, you could suggest a trip to the cinema, a girly night doing your nails and skin, doing an art project together, cooking a special meal together...anything, but give her a lot of choice as to the input.
Next, has she got a few friends? If so, host an evening where she can have them round and you agree to stay upstairs for a couple of hours. If she has not got friends then this is probably part of the problem for her. It would be good for her to join a local activity where she can met people, whether this is through a youth club, a church, a community centre or a sports club. If this all sounds very hearty and daunting, one of our jobs as parents is to help our children to have the social skills and confidence they will need as adults so it IS worthwhile. Is there another family member with whom she gets on well, such as a grandma, a cousin or an auntie? Get them in to help too.
We have a general article about truancy which you can read by clicking here.
I know you said you thought about social services, the sad thing is that they are unlikely to help as they are so stretched they tend to concentrate their resources on children who are at risk of harm.
Below find some links to some things she (and you!) could get involved in. I am not saying ignore the problem but she is clearly very unhappy and that is the things that need addressing first.
Link One (some things are for young people with disabilities but not all)
Hope this is helpful and you can move forward, it is hard when the school situation seems to be escalating but maybe if you can take the pressure off a bit then things will improve.
Hi, you need to contact education welfare officers , ring the your local children services number at your council (google it), and ask to speak to an EWO. they will come round and talk to her and make a plan of action with you. happened to a friend of mine. you also need to keep school on your side and fully aware of how much effort ur making to get her in school. they should be giving you advice too, get an appoinment with the headteacher of whoevers in charge of welfare/special needs
good luck xx
Thanks for that chocolate81
How are things Topcat1230?
hi topcat ,
i have a 14 year old, who has refused to go to school on a couple of occasions soem time ago. the first time, i knew the reasons why, she was being bullied and i felt sympathetic but i forced her to go until i got her transferred to another school. she tried a few times again after that, and i knew there was no genuine reasons for it, so itold her to get out of the house at 7.30am when its her normal school time , and said fine dont go but dont come bk until 4pm. she had no money and no friends to stop off with,so in the end she went. i also told the school that she was threatening not to go and they said if she refused to call them and report it as refusal to attend. i havent had to do it yet, as i would physically remove her out of the house to make her go, and shes nearly twice my size. maybe im a bit old school but i think if i let her get away with it even once, it will become a habit,. my 11 year old is now trying the same and shes starting secondary school in sept, that will be my main issue as shes not very academic and i think i will end up physically bringing her there. oh the joys !!
Hello donna77, getting children to school seems to be a really common issue for many parents, it does become harder when they are bigger than us! Is there a support officer at the school who can get involved?
hi louise,
thanks for ur reply. its not an issue at the moment thankfully, but when it was they were immediately offering mentoring in school, and also wanted her to go to some group therapy workshop thing which was really far from our home, and as a single parent with no car it was impossible to bring her as it was also winter time bk then too. i told them if they wanted her to go could they provide transport. it was a big no. so i was frowned upon as a parent i felt. she didnt want the mentoring help as she said they spoke to her as if she was simple and she also over heard one of the mentors saying to the other, "you will have to deal with this one", thi swas because my daughter had told her she didnt want the mentoring and the teacher or whoever she was took a dislike to her. so all they offer is someone to talk to over the phone. i have seen so many kids in the local area where i live, and they have been kicked out of school for abusing teachers, so i have heard as we dont mix with them. i think its a terrible thing that kids can get away with it, and they are more or less bribed to go to school. im 35 and when i was at primary school we used to get hit, and whacked round the head, with books, and the cane and we wouldnt dare speak bk to the techer.lol
Yes, it seems to have gone to the other extreme nowadays doesn't it? though I did think there was far too much belting and hitting in the old days.
I am glad things have settled down a bit for you, yes we can feel marginalised, especially when we are on our own.
I have no experience of this so feel free to ignore me!
Have you tried asking if she wants to change school? Maybe she is being bullied and is scared or has done something herself and doesn't want to face the consequences?
I think if she says she would go to a different school it is definitely something to do with school where as if she wouldn't want to change school it's going to be more the mentality of going maybe? x