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I have been a single parent for 9 years now, the childrens father left me 5 months pregnant with our third child, and I did struggle with this for longer than I think I should of done. This and added to the fact I re-married a few years later to a man with mental health issues, not known to myself before marriage, this turn't into emotional control, and my daughter took the brunt of it, and I can assure you that it was not her fault. Up until a few months ago, when she started mixing with new friends who I dont know, shutting out her old friends and now me, she hasnt come home now for two weeks, and is crashing out at her friends house, who's parents have experience of teenagers, and dont seem to set any boundaries, I allow my daughter two nights to stay over, and in the week I have asked she is home by midnight, is this un reasonable, and why do I feel so lousy?????
Hi tracey2467 and welcome to One Space 
I too, have a 17 year old daughter, so I understand how hard on the emotions they are 
and Hopeful is right, you feel lousy because you have mother-guilt and your child no longer does as they are told!
Does your daughter tell you she is staying out? Does she come home in the daytime at all?
There are so many questions that i want to ask you right now, but I think in this first instance, it sounds as though you want your relationship to be stronger again with your daughter.
Would it be possible for you to some quality time with her? Go shopping, get your nails done, go for a walk, or take her for some fast food? Anything she wants just so that you can be together and have a chat one2one. Then you can give her a listening ear to whatever she wants to talk about - without judgement? This will give you an idea of whether she is up to no good with her friends, or whether she just wants to 'hang out' rather than be 'stuck' in the family home.
I think your time scales are very reasonable, although I remember being that age and not wanting to spend any time at home during the holidays!
Hopeful has said - You are a good mum, so please do not give yourself a hard time right now as that will not help the situation! The fact that you are seeking support with this, shows that you want the best for your daughter.
Can I ask are you still with your husband now, is he in the family home?
hi Anna, thank you for your message, and the answer to your question is no, I divorced him after only 7 months of marriage,. because of the behavoiur infront of my children, with thier dad walking out on me, not having much to do with the older two, and not acknowledging the youngest at all, I felt my children ment to much to go through more. This is where I now feel so let down by my daughter, I feel I have been a good mum, always putting them first, to be kicked down again.
Hello Tracey 2467
A big welcome from me too
Can I let you into a secret about teenagers.....they are supremely ungrateful. You are expecting her to have an appreciation of everything you have been through and even if you told her until you were blue in the face, she would not empathise. At this age, the only ones they empathise with are their friends. Eventually she will become an adult woman and things will be different. In fact, if this has only been going on for a few months, high five to you for getting this far.
Did your daughter ever talk with anyone about what happened with your second husband?
I agree with Anna about spending time with her, and I also think your boundaries are eminently reasonable. In time, I would suggest negotiating an agreement with her (a contract) but let's work on the relationship first. She either lives at your house or she doesn't, and if she does then you are entitled to known where she is and when she will be back. However, don't make this an emotional issue. Teens are so frustrating that it is very easy for us to shout or cry. Stay calm, stay firm, stay like a rock. At the same time, think of what you can have fun doing with her.
What's going on for your other two children?
Thank you Louise, your words are soo true. My boys are ok at the moment, the eldest seems to handle things really well, and seems to keep the peace with myself and his father to allow a relationship with both of us. My youngest has really only just started to ask about who his dad is, and he cant get his head round the fact all of them have the same dad yet he only sees the middle one. My daughter asked to come home today, we have sat down with new boundaries, she now has more freedom, and choice when and where she goes out, but still cant understand why I am not happy to allow her the freedom to invite friends I have not met into my house while I am away with the boys, as she is now not wanting to come. Is this wrong of me???
Both my daughter and myself went to womans aid, they did a trail run on teenagers of abused households, which she went to on her own, and made friends with other girls. She also had private councilling for six months, and under the gp they referred her to child mental health check ups, they were happy with what I had set up for her.
Hi again
You clearly did a lot to help your daughter in the aftermath of what happened
You are certainly not being unreasonable to want to know who is in your house when you are not there! The eternal cry of the teenager is "You don't trust me", usually while they are planning something behind your back. They are not liars...they honestly do not see that this is being untrustworthy.It is about explaining to her that trust has to be earned and the longer she demonstrates to you that she CAN behave then the more inclined you are to believe that she is sensible and trustworthy
Is there a handy neighbour or two who can keep an eye on the house if you are not there? My neighbour does this for me and my son has also been told that if I have any reports of bad behaviour then the next time I am away I will give a key to a particular person he really does not like and is scared of, and have told him she will be checking up on him at any time of the night or day, heheh
Could you meet the friends?
thank you for your reply, this is so helpful, I cant thank you enough. I have neighbours reporting back, this is the reason I am more wary, last time I left her home alone for the weekend, she had a housefull of both sexes, and the poor neighbours husband saw her go out to one of the boys car to fetch duvets in wearing an anne summers sailors dress and knee length socks. When I told her I dont think this is appropiate behaviour especailly at half three on a saturday afternoon, she flipped and told me she is not a slag, and I should trust her. Call me old fashioned but I dont think this is the right behaviour, and as for casual sex, no thank you. Her friend sleeps with boys within a few days, and this scares me, and my daughter has been caught up with names being called because of her friend. I have suggested a bbq, as I need to buy one before the end of September for my middle sons birthday, as this is what he wants to do with friends, and I suggested they come over , help me work out how to use it, have a bbq and I will get the beers in,. but she loses it and states that her friends dont meet the parents, yet some go to her friends house, which she says is hoping to get sex!!!! I am worried sick, and I know it does not help as I do worry alot.
Hi tracey2467, your daughter is at an age where she is going to do what she wants. If you say you don't agree with it, it won't change her opinion necessarily. It sounds as though you are completely at loggerheads when it comes to her behaviour.
What do you think about spending some one on one time with her? She needs to feel that you trust her to be responsible and to be able to make her own decisions, so by having a discussion just two of you without distractions, can give her the chance to tell you things and vice versa.
Would you feel able to talk with her about your sexual experiences when you were her age?
I had a mother who was very firey, and I was scared of her, and still am!!!! She is very opionated and will speak her mind, and I feel I am doing the same sometimes! I want to be a modern mum, to treat my daughter differently but its so hard when I was so the complete opposite. I did not hang around the street, in carparks, my parents had strict rules , and always knew where I was, and who with. I do try to be the best mum to my daughter, and up until now we have been able to talk openly about sex, she knows more than me lol!
We do something once a month just the two of us, it is hard because I dont have a break from the kids, they dont all go to thier dads, his choice, I have tried in vain to encourage him to, he has no contact with the youngest at all, and wont speak to him at the front door when he does come round. So I try to do something once a month indivially with all three of them. I love my children, and I would do anything for them.
Hello again tracey 2467
That must be sad for your youngest if his dad won't even speak to him! What does he say about that?
As for your daughter, it sounds as if you had a strict upbringing and so you decided to be less strict with your own daughter and you are disappointed that she has not realised that she is lucky that you are a more tolerant mother. I have learned, however, that teenagers are never grateful for anything! once again, it is not that they are horrible people. They just have a missing bit where empathy should be (and will grow in time)
That's great that you spend some individual time with each child. What will help with your daughter now is things to nurture your relationship. That does not mean being soft on her, but as well as spending the time, you can give her compliments and find funny things for the two of you to share...for example I have little sayings with my boys that we text each other in a random way and we also do some family things eg we had a Blackadder night where each person in the family could choose their favourite episode of Blackadder (we had the box set) and we ordered in a pizza to have while we watched them. Maybe also something like giving your daughter some "power" would help, what I mean is letting her choose a day out for you all or having a music night she has designed...anything that will catch her attention.
She is almost 18 now, that is an adult! and so you can use the interveneing months to nurture what you have between you
Thank you again for your kind words, sorry in delay but we have just arrived back from 10 days away, on a rather different holiday to normal, in the woods. My daughter came along for 3 nights, and it was lovely, no internet or mobile signal helped lol!!! We had mother and daughter time in the hot tub, while my boys made a huge den in the woods. We enjoyed it so much, it was doing two friends ironing all year round to pay for it, and I plan to continue this so we can go back again next year before my eldest boy hopefully gets into the Navy to be a chef. She keep to her word, no folk I did not know came home, she went out every night, but text every day to tell me she loved me, so hopefully with a little more understanding from both sides we have come through the first round lol!
My youngest is just coming to understand who his dad really is, and finds it hard that he does not go to his house. I dont know what to tell him, but just agree with what he comes out with, like my dad will want to see me when I am 12! I dont know the right answers, I believe by letting thier dad make the choices, he decides when he sees any of them, who he takes on holiday, who he buys treats for, which does not happen very often, I cant be blamed by my children. I have had many long chats with my ex, that the children need him in thier lives, that they all need stability, he is welcome to have them at any time, school holidays, but its like I am having the door slamed in my face everytime. I emailed him in February to beg him to have contact with our youngest, he is asking lots of questions, I never even got a reply. Again I emailed him a few weeks ago, to ask if he would like to help organize our daughters 18th party that she would like, and could he help fund it and I got no reply, our middle son then got a email to state he had changed his address and he was not to forward it on to me! I am still in contact with all his family, we regularly go to tea at his parents, because I wanted the children to have contact with thier family, and for the youngest to know who his family are. I dont know what else I can do to alter this horrible situation,apart from being the best mum possible, and thats what my boys have just said, thank you so much for our great holiday , and our family time together, and for being me.
Hi tracey2467,
I'm glad you had such a great break - sounds wonderful. Giving your daughter a little bit of 'power' as Louise suggested seems to have worked well
From reading your posts, you are a doing an incredible job with your children, but not knowing the answers to your youngest's questions about his dad must be very difficult to handle. You are being the best parent you can be - but we can't 'make' any other person 'be' anything they don't want to be. Your kids will all have their own opinions about their parents as they become adults and I don't think you have anything to worry about.
You are doing all you can to share your children with your ex and his family. It's up to him to decide how he wants his children to perceive him and act accordingly.
Mary
thank you Mary for your kind words.
Hi tracey2476
Your holiday sounds wonderful!
How sad about your childrens' father but we can't force them to be good parents. All you can do is continue to be a good mum yourself. Do you think your youngest would benefit from talking to someone outside the family, as in some counselling? Just keep giving them all the opportunity to express their feelings and whilst not joining in any criticism of their dad, you can say things like "I understand you feel really let down by your dad" and don't forget it is ok to say "I don't know" to any of their questions.
One final point, do also say to your daughter how thrilled you are that she kept to the agreement you made about not having unknown people staying etc, and that you are very proud that she is becoming so adult that she is sticking to her word 
Hi Tracey,
While I don't know how to sort your problem (having similar issues with my son who's 15) I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I do think it's not right for her to not come home for weeks on end.
And you are feeling lousy because you have mother-guilt; it's built in and I get it, too, and I am sure most mums do.
Is she open to talk at all?
I am sorry I've not got any 'proper' advice, but one of the parenting experts will be along shortly and I am sure they'll give you some ideas.
In the meantime hang in there! You're doing much better a job than you think.