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Hi, I have 3 daughters aged almost 18, 15 and almost 2. The eldest girl has dropped out of college, does not work, and I recieve £36 a month maintenance from her father. I myself am currently on income support, so as you can imagine money is very tight indeed. None of my daughters have contact with their father, apart from very irregular brief emails...we divorced as a result of his alcoholism and mental illness 12 years ago.
She is a very demanding girl, prone to frequent displays of aggression, anger, moodiness, and very difficult to live with due to her unpredictable nature. She has refused all offers of help from professional people, ie GP, counselling etc.
Next month she will be 18, and if she has not found work, will need to sign on for JSA. She refuses to make ANY contribution to her upkeep, household bills etc, and I am at my wit's end as to how we will manage.
What can I do? I want to help my daughter, but we can't live on fresh air. She behaves sometimes as if she hates us all, which is deeply distressing to everyone. She has alienated many of her friends, and her boyfriend is losing patience with her.
How can I help someone I love who refuses all offers of help? who takes out her unhappiness in an increasingly aggressive manner? she refuses to talk with anyone, and the pressures on maintaining any kind of positive family life are wellnigh impossible.
How can I get her to understand that she needs to contribute? tried so hard so many times to help, but am constantly met with verbal abuse, refusal to even listen. I am at my wits end.
Hello jenlush
You are very welcome here and I am sorry to hear of the situation with your daughter,
Time for a bit of tough love. Tiredmum's idea about staying with someone else is a FANTASTIC one, but I know this is not always possible. If not, I would suggest drawing up a family budget (nothing too complicated, just add up the bills and especially FOOD) and divide it by the number of people in the house. Obviously you can tell her you are responsible for your two younger daughters as they are underage but a quarter of the bills are potentially HERS. If she is awkward say that you will not be providing food for her if she is not paying her way, she will have to get her own. Say this in a calm way ie "Ok that's fine if you don't want to contribute, I will leave you to sort out your own food then as I can't afford to feed us all" She will soon get sick of it. Also, have a think about something you are currently paying for that she likes eg satellite TV, PC or whatever. Say that you will have to let that go too.
Whilst I have every empathy with you, and do think in the long run you might have to say to her that she will have to leave if she does not contribute, she is clearly an unahppy girl. Why does she refuse all offers of help and support do you think? Is there anoher family member who could talk to her? Do you think there is any possibility of drugs usage? (just saying this because of her unpredictability). It might be worth having a talk with her and saying that her behaviour is unacceptable and if she is to remain in your home then she must sign a contract. Adapt this Family Contract tool (click on the blue link)for your usage. She could be expected to contribute so much, do so many chores etc on her side of the bargain. In return you could agree to cook her tea and do her laundry. Teens are actually not being nasty when they have completely no understanding of how others are feeling, it is all part of being a teen (although they can feel great sympathy for those from afar such as starving children in the Third World)
Another tip I can give you (which totally changed my attitude) was to record how I spoke to my sons (you might be able to do this on your mobile) I realised that my conversation with them was a succession of instructions and "don't do that" all the time, and it did improve things massively when I changed that and tried to be positive and praised whatever I could (sometimes difficult to find things to praise, I know)
Have a think about what we have suggested and how it might work in your family
Hi jenlush. Welcome along 
I don't have a teenager, but I do feel that she has got to be made to see and understand how hard it is living on Income Support etc, and how already stretched your budget is. When I was a teenager, and I found myself on the dole, my parents still asked me to contribute money toward food, rent etc, which of course is only right. It also teaches us the value of money too. If she were to go it alone, she would find it much harder, and I'm sure she knows this already. Please keep posting as others with more experience with teenagers will be along at some point.
Hi from me too.
My oldest is 19 and basically did go to college after I told him he'd have to leave if he didn't.
Council tax will come into play too once she's 18... I was so relieved when eldest went to college.
Thanks everyone for your comments. She can't go and stay with any relatives because firstly there isn't anyone, we have a very small family, and if there was someone she would refuse to go.
I spend half of my life sitting in my bedroom because she is so difficult to be around, making horrible comments about me breastfeeding and things. I suffer from depression myself and the comments she makes to me about my weight and appearance make me feel worse.
Sorry if this is not very well written, I am worried she is going to come in the room...
Hi. Can you pinpoint when your daughter started with this behaviour? It isn't healthy for you having to retreat to your room because of her. It is one thing to go there to get some space, but it sounds like you are there quite a lot, simply to avoid her, and she probably knows from this, that she has the upper hand. She is living under your roof, therefore you set the rules, and she should follow them, though of course, this is sometimes easier said than done.
jenlush. I so agree with hazeleyes. Is there a time she is reasonable to talk to?
It sounds as if you are afraid of her, which I find worrying.
I'm sorry that in this situation.
Hi jenlush, this is a form of domestic violence, coming from your daughter and it is more common than you think.
Please call womens aid
www.womensaid.org.uk/ here is a link to the site where you can find a number for your area.
You DO NOT have to live like this, please call them, they wont do anything you are not happy or comfortable with but they can offer support to you.
Please do stay with one space, we are all here for you xxx
Great suggestions from the others, jenlush, and do also think about going to your GP is this is getting you down.
More and more I am encontering parents who are suffering at the hands of their teens. Please do have a chat with Women's Aid.
Hi jenlush
I have just been reading your posts and I agree with tiredmum, you must contact Womens Aid or your local domestic abuse service.
This is not healthy for you, your 15 year old or your baby. You can call Womens Aid just for a discussion, just to find out what your options are.
Their number is 0808 2000 247, it is a free 24 hour helpline.
Let us know how you get on :)
Hi jenlush, welcome to one space, this is a great site to receive lots of support and great advice.
I have 3 teen daughters and my middle one sounds much like your daughter she was rude arrogant and could be aggresive, she also took things from the house to sell, this started when she was around 15/16, anyway it all came to a head one day over and this will sound silly but a £1 pizza that she took from the freezer, I just saw red, she went to stay with her elder brother and he didnt make life easy for her, she begged to come back home, I managed to keep it up for approx 2 weeks and touching wood she has really calmed down and is doing well now in college and also looking for a part time job.
Is there anyone who could take your daughter for a short sharp shock? If not then you will maybe need to give her an ultimatum, either contribute or leave, it sounds harsh but she will be 18 and an adult and will need to face up to this.
I dop hope you will stay with one space, you are definitely not alone lots of us have teens issues xxx