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My eldest daughter is very nearly 14 and my youngest is 4 and my eldest really doesn't like my youngest. I know they're not liable to be best friends or even really have anything in common but not one nice word never comes out of my eldests mouth, she's always nit picking at my youngest and arguing. I know siblings argue but this is just nastyness. My eldest has already said on many occasions she wishes she was still an only child. Yes my youngest is quite demanding on me and my time and recently had a slight accident which has resulted in her not sleeping again so I'm a little more grouchy than normal but I seriously cannot listen to the constant bickering/arguments and in general just noise and voices. I feel I'm starting to really dislike my eldest (and I love her with all my heart) but I really can't understand how I've managed to raise such a nasty, mallicious child....any suggestions on how to deal with this would be massively appreciated, I feel I've exhausted every avenue and am banging my head against a brick wall.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
xxxx
Hi yummy mummy
First of all, she is not actually a nasty malicious child, although I know exactly what you mean! Sometimes we as parents think "where on earth did YOU come from?" when we look at a hostile stranger over the breakfast table. Sparkling is right when she says that at her age she lives in her own little world. Empathy is something teens struggle with.
A very dear friend of mine has exactly the same age gap as you, with two girls also. Her eldest is the most delightful child you could ever meet.....and she has had exactly the same problem as you. Not helped by the fact that they have to share a bedroom so the elder does not have her own space.
There are no easy answers. I think you have one of the keys in your hands when you say that you have had to give more time to your little one. Even without this, little ones DO needs more of our time because they need a lot of hands on parenting. Think about Special Time (click for article) for your eldest. Can someone else have your little daughter while you do this? Ironically, probably the LAST thing you feel like doing while she is being horrid is to spend more time with her! Try not to make any negative remarks such as "I suppose you just want more attention" even though you might secretly think it. Try instead "I know that we have not done much grown up stuff lately, it is hard with X around but I would like to spend some time with you, just us" You might get a negative response at first, try not to show how cross this makes you, just say "well I would like to spend time with you, maybe you could think of something we could do together" and STAY CALM.
She knows that the one thing that DOES press your buttons is to get at her sister, that is one form of bahviour you can't ignore and really it IS all about attention. When all three of you are together, try to Praise (another article) anything she actually does right (sometimes it is hard to find things!!!!)
Try these things to start with and if you don't see any difference then I have more suggestions up my sleeve so don't despair!
Thank you both so much for your words and thanks for the hugs sparkling.
...I know what you mean about siblings, I never got on with my younger sister when I was younger....we are the best of friends now and reflecting on it I realise now I was just jealous that this other little person had come along and taken my parents attention away from me...lol, (spoilt little thing that I was). Its just a struggle getting to them years when they will hopefully be great friends...day in, day out battles, arguments and bickering. I think I just get even more upset when my friends come round with their children who are same age as my youngest and my eldest is lovely to them always commenting on how cute they are, playing with them and laughing with them. I suppose I get slightly hurt that she can't be like that with her own sister, I'd love it even if it she just spoke to her nicely for 2mins!! Even when my youngest had her accident my eldest didn't ask how she was or what had happened but I guess like you both say teens are very selfish and self centred.
My youngest is even picking up on the bad attitude of my eldest and speaking to me the way she gets spoken to...jesus...moan, moan, moan....lol, it just seems like a vicious circle and I can't pinpoint where I need to step in and change that circle.
Louise I've been trying the special time/rewards and I do always praise when she does something nice (which is very seldom lately) but that doesn't have any effect. These things don't seem to have any effect though cos of the situation with the girls dad so I have been to see my doctor who is going to refer us to family therapy...I'm willing to try anything atm and hopefully will be able to restore some lost happiness into our home life. It doesn't help that they don't have their own bedrooms and I do feel for my eldest where that's concerned, I always had to share a room and hated it but my youngest really never goes in their room, she's back to sleeping in my bed as she was having nightmares from her accident and waking up several times a night screaming which was unfair on my eldest when she was having to get up for school and was very tired.
It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how ready you think you are to have children, you're never really prepared for the roads that lie ahead with them. It certainly is a very testing time.
Hi yummymummy. I don't have the rivalry as I've only the one, but I was going to suggest you spend time with the older one once the youngest is in bed. Is the Dad involved at all? Could he perhaps take the 4 year old for a few hours, leaving you with the older one, again for a bit of time together.
Hi yummymummy25
Thats interesting that you say you were the same as your eldest daughter when you were younger.
Have you told your eldest this? does she see the relationship you have with your sister now? I wonder if you could muster up a girly evening, you, your daughter and your sister and talk about the old days, the fights etc, but also the regrets and the importance of sisterhood?
Girly evening when youngest is in bed sounds a good idea DVD and popcorn.
My daughter and I have had a few of these evening recently (mainly as her brother go on the computers in the kitchen and watch the tele in their room).
My plan is to get through to March, and then everything will be fine 
xx
How are things going yummymummy25?
I was just thinking that even though your eldest dislikes sharing a room (rather like my friend's daughter) ....and you would therefore logically think that she would be glad if your youngest was not in the room, as she is sleeping with you, that actually she could (ironically) be jealous of you two sharing a room....that is teeens for you. Do you think this could be a factor?
Loads of hugs. I'm just sorry that they're not really going to be effective...
One thing about 14 year olds, the only things that matter is "them". I'm quite certain she does love her little sister, it's just she's at the point where she wants to be able to what she wants without interuptions.
I don't have a big gap between my lot, and I know my eldest has been awful with the younger ones - mainly because he wants to do what he wants when he wants... He too wishes he was an only child.
Basically, I tell him he's not an only child and I can't move to a bigger house that gives them each an individual wing (which I've promised when I win a minimum of £13million on the Euro lottery, following a dream...).
He agrees.
Yet, if anyone dares to upset one of his siblings - especially his brother with special needs - he is the most protective brother ever.
He's 19 now - we've lived here since just before he turned 14 - and is at the point where I can reason things through with him.
I'm a lot younger than my brother (13 years older) and sister (11 years older), and while we get on ok, we're not particularly close - and I have to be the mediator between them at times, as they've hated each other since my brother was 8 (my Mum told me).
I am quite certain that your wonderful 14 year old is there somewhere. Personally, I feel she's just struggling at the mo with the age she's at.