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Well thanks to ex, my new year turned into something out of Eastenders! I was having a lovely evening at home catching up on tv and eating rubbish. My neighbours two doors down had brought me round a glass of champagne to celebrate, I was prepared for the new year. My sister in law phoned to see if her, her husband and my niece could call round for a drink. No problem, love to see them. We were having a lovely time, couple of drinks, laughing and joking, it was nice, really nice. At about eleven my sil received a text message. She read it and her face went white and she jumped up and went outside. Next thing you could hear her shouting and I mean really shouting. Her husband went outside to see what was wrong, while I tried to distract my niece. They finally came back in and you could see she had been crying. She then asked to speak to me in private. It turns out ex's girlfriend had sent her a text meant for someone else. The text was obviously for one of her friends, but it basically said, having a crap New Year's Eve, would be so much better if we didn't have the f@&£? brat with us, can't see why the bitch couldn't have him, she just wants to screw up our fun. just want the brat to f@&£ off so we can get on with our lives. Obviously the brat and bitch are me and J. I know she had had a drink, but I think the real person comes out then. My sil was so upset. She'd phoned ex shouting at him telling him about the message his girlfriend had sent. He didn't believe her so she forwarded it to him. I told her not to worry about it, that it was not her problem. I was upset, I'd always thought that ex's girlfriend liked J and as ex had asked to have J New Year's Eve, I thought it was what they both wanted. Sil insisted on staying with me to see the new year in, even though I told them I would be ok on my own and wasn't too bothered about the text. We went out to watch the neighbours fireworks at midnight (more champagne yay!). We had been invited I feel I should point out! Came back inside to find the house phone ringing, saw it was ex. Decided not to answer it. He then alternated between my mobile and house phone until I answered. You could tell he'd had a drink from the start, which annoyed me as obviously my son was with two people who were the worse for wear because of drink. He apologised for the text message that had been sent and said that he would sort it out with her when she was sober. I said that would be a good idea, wished him a happy new year and hung up. Sil was just about to go when ex rang again. Asked her to stay while I spoke to him. He was crying on the phone, saying that he was so sorry for everything that he had done, that surely I knew I was the one he really loved and he had only been having fun with his girlfriend, she did't mean anything to him and that he wanted to come home and be a family with me and J. To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement. Not that I thought he really meant it, but that he'd had the cheek to phone me and tell me even if he thought he meant it. I put him on speaker phone and asked him to say it again so that sil could hear it. He said that when he brought J back today we needed to have a talk to see if we could sort things out between us get back to being a family. Honestly what planet is he on? Does he really think that after two years I would just take him back with open arms, throw open the doors and say there you go love, let's pretend it all never happened. He made me so angry, I told him that wasn't going to happen and hung up on him. Then burst into tears. I was so glad my sil had stayed. She couldn't believe what she'd heard him say.
Ive asked her to pick J up from his house today and bring him home. I don't want to see my ex. I don't think that I could hold back from telling him what I think of him. There is not a chance that he is coming home. A snowball in hell would have more chance. I am upset that he thought it would be ok to phone and tell me. He knows what I have been through since he left. I have just started to feel that I am doing ok on my own, that there is a way forward and then he lays this on me. What a muppet! As you can tell, I am angry. The anger hands made my house sparkling as I have cleaned while calling him every name under the sun. We'll wat and see what today brings. I'm sure it will be fun when he remembers the phone call.
Hello Looby
Happy New Year (if I am allowed to say that in the circumstances!)
WELL DONE for how you handled everything and how fab it is that you and J still have your family in law around you!
Can I just say that one thing I have noticed a lot is that when people leave their relationship for a new partner, the way they perceive their ex sometimes becomes almost like a parent......so that when there are problems in the new liaison, they run back to their ex in the manner of running back to their mum and (amazingly) expecting that person to comfort them about what has gone wrong. I really don't understand the psychology of this, just that it happens!
Really, really good idea to get your SiL to do the pick up today.
I am still so cross that he has once again managed to 'spoil' things for me. I was looking forward to the new year, after the crap I put up with last year. I was feeling much stronger and in control of things, had accepted that he had someone else and that for now I was on my own. I WAS FEELING GOOD!
He was not impressed that sil went to pick J up. He phoned and asked why I'd done that as he always brought him home. I said that I had no wish to see him today, after what he did last night and then I hung up again. Sil brought J home, you'd think he'd not seen me in three weeks rather than two days! She told me that ex's girlfriend had apparently gone to her mums and that ex looked miserable. He'd thought that she didn't mind having J around, had not realised that she saw him as an inconvenience. Sil said she didn't hang around to listen to him. Se asked if I was ok and asked if there was any chance of me taking him back. I told her that by the end of the week they would be back together and this would be all forgotten, that I didn't for one minute think he really wanted to come home. I also told her that I was happier without him. I have since had a few texts from ex asking when he can come round to talk about things. So far I am ignoring him. I am hoping it will all blow over and he doesn't really mean it.
Am off to build an amazing Lego house with J now. ' Gonna pick up the pieces and build a Lego house, if things go wrong we can knock it down' to quote Ed Sheeran :-)
Hi Looby,
It's understandable that you're still cross - I'd be furious! The brass neck of the man!
As Louise said, really good that you can still rely on your ex's family for support. I'm also pleased to hear that you turned your anger outward, instead of keeping it in & letting it gnaw away at you. And you have a sparkling house, which is also an added bonus.
Even if your ex does mean what he said - it doesn't mean you have to act on it. I hope it isn't too long before you're feeling good about everything again - please don't allow him to affect your mood for more than a short while.
I like quotes too..."I get knocked down/But I get up again/You're never going to keep me down" (Chumbawamba 
). I hope the house building was a success and that 2013 is a brilliant year for you & J.
I'm so glad you have your SiL supporting you here.
Happy lego building. My lot loved lego when they were little (so did I). Youngest is going to spend some of his Christmas money on some.
I do hope you're ok.
Hi Looby and Happy New year from me 
Wow what a shock - definitely an Eastenders moment. Sometimes I think we have the next 10 years of episodes mixed into all our lives, we could make a killing, selling our stories!
I noticed that you say that you are ignoring the texts and hope that this all blows over. Rather than have your mobile keep bleeping (which your son will be aware of) I am wondering whether you can take the bull by the horns and send your ex a simple text. You yourself take control of the situation?
Something like 'I am not interested in talking about us getting back together, you made your bed and now you have to lie in it, please stop ringing my phone and texting now, this is not up for discussion'
What do you think?
Sparkling my house was amazing. So much better since J had packs of windows and doors and roof tiles for Christmas. I even had flowers in the garden!
Thanks for the advice Anna, Its sort of what i did, but i sent him an email instead of a text. I told him that there would be no talking about reconciling because it wasn't going to happen. The fact that he had chosen her over me and spent the past 18 months telling so many lies and ignoring J, meant that he was no longer the type of person I wanted to be with, that I wished him well, but that the only relationship in our future was that of J's parents. He did finally give up yesterday when he realised he was not going to get anything from me, although at one point he was sat outside the house. I just closed all the blinds and left him to it! At work today I received an email from his girlfriend, apologising for what she had called me and J the other night and saying that she really cares for J and never meant to upset me. She'd had a lot to drink and wasn't thinking clearly. She was sorry for any hurt she'd caused me and she hoped that I could find it in me to forgive her. It actually rendered me speechless. Not something that happens very often! I was a very good girl and didn't send the reply I wanted to (although I did type it out and delete it). I didn't reply at all.
I hope they get back together, they really deserve each other. And while he is busy with her he leaves me alone!
Good for you, Looby. You handled that really well.
Good call Looby! You have laid your boundaries
Things took a turn for the worse on Thursday when she turned up where I work, asking to speak to me. She refused to go away until I went down to speak to her. Needless to say this was very embarrassing for me, as I don't let everyone know my business. I got downstairs and she was vile. She literally let loose a load of verbal abuse at me, blaming me for breaking up her relationship, saying that I had never let go of him, always made him feel guilty, asking him for things and for turning J against him! I was fuming, I really was. I have never felt so angry in my life. I managed to hold myself together, I looked her in the eye, said thank you for sharing your opinions with me and then called security to have her removed from the premises. I then went back upstairs and broke down. I was so upset I ended up being sent home. My boss even called the company she works for and complained about her. I felt sick, I really did. Part of me wanted to phone ex and have a go at him, but I decided not to. I didn't need to in the end, as his boss called him in and had a go at him. He was told to make sure that his personal life remains at home. He came round to mine on Thursday night to apologise. He was very sorry and was very concerned that I was alright, but I struggled to talk to him. I assured him that I was ok, then asked him to leave. J got upset with me because I wouldn't let daddy stay. All in all a pretty crap day.
Ex turned up to fetch J this morning and J didn't want to go. He said he wanted mummy and daddy for the day. He's done this a few times and we normally just say that mummy is busy etc. Today ex said that I could spend the day with them if I wanted. I was angry with him, because this made me look like the bad guy with J when I said I didn't want to. J's also phoned me from his dads tonight at bedtime, something he hasn't done in a few months. He was sobbing that he wanted me, daddy wasn't good enough, he wanted to come home. He wanted a cuddle from mummy. I told him to give daddy a big cuddle and it would be like he was cuddling me. He said it wasn't the same and started crying really loud. Ex said that he had been trying to calm him down for half an hour and he couldn't and would it be possible for me to go round to settle him down? Bear in mind I have not been welcome at exes house for the past year. I said that I couldn't do that as I was out, that I loved j lots and lots and would see him in the morning. I then had to hang up on him because he was crying so much. I have felt terrible all evening. Was supposed to be having a girly night in with friend, but I have just had things turning over in my head. Ex sent me a text at half eight saying that J had finally calmed down, that he would be ok, it was just that he had missed his mummy,because she was the best mummy in the whole world and that he was difficult to calm down. Honestly? I know I'm a good mum you &@@?. I'm the one who has been there to reassure him and make him feel loved and wanted when you couldn't be bothered with him. I'm the one who had to put up with him missing his daddy for months, so don't talk to me about how difficult it is to calm him down.
i feel so sad and confused at the minute. I don't want ex back, we're doing ok without him. I don't understand why all of a sudden he's showing an interest and being caring. I could scream.
Oh Looby what a piece of work she is! That apology obviously did not mean much! You handled it really well.
I know you feel absolutely awful for J but it is just that he has been unsettled about this. He will soon settle down again. You did the right thing...it is daddy time and J needs to understand that he can phone you to say night night but if you had rushed round there, you would have set a precedent and also given J mixed messages about the state of things betweeen you and daddy, he needs to know that you are split up and that's that.
Have you got any books that you read with J about separated parents? You can find a good selection on our book list here (click)
But now back to you. You said that part of what has upset you was the change in J's dad's behaviour and it sounds as if it has rocked your confidence, you were doing very well on your own and then this has thrown a spanner in the works. It need not, though...you need to stay focused on YOUR path. Great if he stays more caring and a good dad to J but your plans are yours and yours alone. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "I am a worthwhile person and every day I get nearer my goal" You ARE doing ok, in fact you are doing FABULOUSLY, this is a blip, that's all: be very proud of yourself.
Hi Looby. Have just seen this thread. Wow, what a horrid couple of days you've had. As for the woman turning up at work, what a cheek. You definately handled it really well though, not sure I would have done. Poor little J too, all unsettling for him, but he's got you, and you'll get it all back on track for the pair of you. Keep your chin up, you're doing brilliantly.
Loads of hugs looby.
I'm glad your boss supported you. What a shock for you there.
Thinking of you.
Thanks everyone. I am glad you have confidence in me Louise, because I am starting to doubt myself. He dropped J off today and was here for over half an hour. I kept herding him toward the door like a sheep! J was showing him all the things he had for christmas and was telling he that we were going to an amusement park that afternoon. Ex said oh that sounds nice you'll have lots of fun, we really like it there, to which J obviously said, do you want to come with us daddy? Straight away I said that daddy couldn't as he was going shopping for a new car. Grrr.
Had a lovely day with J. Went on the roller coaster 8 times. Now have a banging headache to show for this! Ex sent a couple of texts asking if we're having fun and asking what I thought about a couple of cars he'd looked at. I replied that the cars were down to him, as he would be the one driving it. He then asked why I was so aggressive. Can't think, can you ladies?
I have agreed to meet him tomorrow night so that we can have a talk. You may think I am barking mad, but I can't keep doing with him sending me texts and phoning etc. I want to see him face to face and tell him exactly where we stand. Sis in law has agreed to have J for an hour at my house and I am meeting ex in the coffee shop. May as well get a posh coffee out of him. I want him to see my face when I tell him that there is no future for us as a couple, that I don't want him texting unless it is to do with J. I am also undecided whether or not to tell him I found out a couple of months ago that I know he was lying to me about the length of his relationship with her. Maybe this will make him realise that I am really over him? Opinions please. I want this behind me and this year to be a positive one. I think I deserve one.
Good luck tomorrow. I'd be tempted to, I have to say, as it my underline the situation for him?
Hi looby, the amusement park sounded great fun, I hope that your headache has eased up now!
Well done for agreeing to meet up with your ex. It sounds as though you are in a much better place than you have been for a long time, yes this is difficult, but you are much more sure of yourself and where you stand with your ex and what you expect from him.
You say at the end of your previous post you don't understand why your ex is doing this....showing an interest and being caring....I think you know the answer....Its because he is having a rough time with his girlfriend and he is looking back and remembering how safe, lovely and committed you were.
He made his bed, you worked through your emotions and now he has to lie in it.
You sound really strong about your decision to lay things on the table about where you stand, a few months ago, you might have been looking for answers from him, but now You hold the answers.
If he and his girlfriend made up and things got better between them, I imagine he would not be showing so much interest again, he would be too wrapped up with her.
You are wondering whether to bring up the lies he has told, I think just see how it goes, if it comes up then do raise it, however only talk about it in a factual sense rather than use it as something to attack him with.
Try not to think too much about it today, feel confident that you know what you want/expect from him and leave it that, the rest will look after itself. Stay assertive and calm, we are with you all the way.
Hi Looby of course we have confidence in you!
I agree with Anna, if you brought up the lying in an emotional way, it just gives him a way in with the emotional leverage. It needs to be said in a factual low key way, as in that was just another factor in the mix, not that that was the ONLY reason you don't want to go back.
So looby loo, how did it go?
Well I'm still here and ex isn't! It went very well surprisingly. He did call to ask me yesterday if I wanted him to pick me up. Er no thanks, then I can go when I'm ready. He'd even got all dressed up to meet me bless him. I asked what he wanted to talk about and he said that he had made a really big mistake in leaving me, that he still loved me and that he hoped we could put the past couple of years behind us and move forward together as a family. I asked him when he realised he'd made a mistake and he said soon after she moved in. She was that much younger and they didn't have many things in common. She always wanted to be out or doing something and he didn't want that after a long day at work. She also moaned about him seeing J and sulked if he came to see him in the week, which is why he stopped. He said he couldn't be doing with the hassle. He realised he'd hurt both me and J but at the time he thought it was what he wanted. So I asked him if he'd started looking for another job. He looked at me with a very confused look on his face and asked why. I pointed out that surely he didn't think I would be happy with him continuing to work with her. I asked if he'd had contact with her in the past week and he said he'd had no choice as they worked together, but all they'd done was talk about work. And I came down in the last shower! I am beginning to think that the man is deluded. He told me that I know we'd always made a really good team, we still got on very well with each other (which is true when he's not being the stupidest man on the planet!) and that we still loved each other and it would make J really happy to have his mummy and daddy in the same house again. I sat there drinking my coffee and letting him waffle on, all the while thinking blah blah blah. A few months ago I would have been ecstatic to hear all this from him, I would have loved hearing that his relationship had gone belly up and he thought he'd made a mistake in leaving me. Not now.
I asked him if he was in my shoes, would he take me back knowing that I had been living with someone else for the best part of a year, that I had selfishly put myself and my new relationship before my son, that I had had several holidays abroad without thinking of taking my son with me and had in fact only bothered to have him to stay for a week out of the 18 months I'd been left home. That I'd stopped seeing him in the week because it became a hassle. That I was the reason that my four year old had panic attacks at the thought of being left? That I was only showing a renewed interest because my latest relationship had gone sour? He went very red and said that he wouldn't be able to do it. I asked him what made him think I could and he said that I was a better person than him and my priority was making sure that J was happy. I pointed out that me and J were very happy, we are a great little team and we have things sorted now and while J would love to have mummy and daddy in the same house, he knows that this would make mummy sad. J accepts that mummy and daddy will not live together again, but that we both love him lots and lots. I told ex that I was happy on my own. He said that surely I must miss being a family, as he does every single day. I said that me and J are a family, yes it would be nice to have someone else around occasionally to help out, but I know I can do it all on my own and the fact that he chose to leave and have a relationship with someone else means that he is no longer the person for me. He told me that I had changed and I thanked him! I have changed, so much for the better. I am more confident in myself, I have more belief in my own abilities and I have accepted that a family doesn't have to be mummy + daddy + child. For the first time in years I am feeling happy in my own skin. He was quite taken aback, but said that me new me suited me. I think it is this new confidence I have that has probably made him think 'hey she wasn't all that bad!' He asked if I still loved him and I did admit that a tiny part of me will probably always love him, but it was a love because you're J's dad type of love,not a love of my life type of love.
He asked if he would be welcome to come and see J in the week and I told him that I had never stopped him doing this, that it was his choice not to do it. I said that I would pop next door for a coffee if he came round to give them time on their own. He told me I didn't have to leave, but I said if I'm there then J will not pay any attention to him as all he wants after a day at school is mummy. It will also be nice for me to get out of the house during the week. I told him that he needs to make more of an effort with J, as J now doesn't mention his dad during the week, can hardly be bothered to talk to him when he phones and cries when he knows he has got go there at the weekend. I am hoping this will all change now that she will no longer be on the scene and he will get some quality daddy time.
We had a general chat and caught up with a few things before I said I needed to go as it was nearly J's bedtime. Ex then got sentimental and admitted that he really missed hearing me and J together, that he used to love listening to us play and me read him bedtime stories. He asked if we still snuggled in front of the tv before bed. I told him that those things hadn't changed, that he was the one who decided we weren't enough for him and that someone else was more exciting. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and left at that point. I'm so pleased it didn't turn into a slanging match. He knows how I feel and that there is no chance of us getting back together. I will admit that a part of me is delighted that he is realising what he lost and that he is miserable at the minute. I don't think I'd be human if I didn't feel this. He's arranged to pick J up from after school club tomorrow and take him to his house for tea, which I am fine with as it means I can stay late at work and catch up. We'll see how long his interest lasts. At least J gets some extra time with his dad, and I'll be there to pick up the pieces if (when) it all goes wrong again.
Wow how fantastic Looby, of course you feel delighted that he knows what a big mistake her has made (karma, eh?) but you have been assertive and confident and calm and pleasant, all rolled into a ball. High five! The very best part of your post was when you said you are feeling happy in your own skin. Whoever we are, whether we are with someone or not, THAT is an massive achievement in itself and one we should all aspire to.
HURRAH FOR YOU!
Well done looby
Absolutely brilliant Looby, I bet you are feeling on top of the world, I think you did a smashing job and for me the best bit is, that you ARE genuinely happy now!
Well done you, a little treat for Looby methinks?!
I would say that I definitely deserve a treat, but ended up spending a few hours with him this afternoon. Cross with myself that I didn't put my foot down and say no,but I didn't want to upset J.
Ex brought J home and was all concerned about my face, which is looking really gruesome. The bruising is at the lovely blue / black stage and has spread so much. I told him I was fine and not to worry. He then wanted me to look at his new car. He's only gone and bought a massive 4 x 4. Honestly. He doesn't use his car during the week as he has a van at work. He says that he does loads of miles at a weekend now with J. As J only ever tells me that they have been shopping and then to daddy's house, I assume he must take him to a Tesco in Inverness. Don't get me wrong, it is a lovely car, but he has no use for it whatsoever. J was all excited about it, so I had to get in and have a look. J then wanted to go for a drive, but I said no, we were going swimming and daddy had to go. J then started to get upset. Ex said that surely I could manage to be in the same car with him for ten minutes if he took me for a drive round the block. J was really eager so I agreed. More fool me. We went out for the drive and then J started to complain he was hungry. Ex then suggested we went out for lunch together, saying to j 'would you like to go out with mummy and daddy'? J was obviously all for this. I said no, that we had to go home after the drive. J then got upset wanting to know why I didn't want to have lunch with him and daddy. He told me he didn't like me because I was spoiling all his fun. i told him I would take him out for lunch after swimming but that wasn't good enough. He wanted to go out with his mummy and daddy like all the other children do. Ok that got to me. Most of the time he is ok with our situation, that it is me and him and he goes to daddy's at the weekend. Other times he just wants to be like everyone else. I explained that if we went out for lunch, we wouldn't be able to go swimming and I was really looking forward to that. No, he wanted lunch. So I agreed just to make him happy. So off to the pub we went. What am I most cross about? The fact that I had a nice time! It was just like it used to be. We laughed and joked and tried to get J to eat meat. When he brought us home I made him stay in the car. I also told him that it won't happen again, even if it means me having J hate me for the rest of the day.
I am writing it off as down to having knocked a few screws loose when I had my accident. I can't and won't go down that road again.
xxx
Hi Looby
You have had to stay strong since the new year, keeping your ex at arms length and also dealing with your own feelings. You dealt with the situation really well last Monday and your guard was down this weekend.
Have I completely missed something here? Why are you black and blue?........Ahaa!..I was racking my brains, but I have just been over to Chit Chat and seen that you had a dizzy spell and fainted, bad luck, that must have been a bit scary.
The pressure is on when you have your son pushing for time with both and his dad and although you went along to please your son, it sounds as though you were going against your better wishes. So, next time perhaps you will need to be prepared for these drop offs and what may come. I wonder (as my ex did) whether your ex had discussed the idea of taking mum out in the car and going for lunch with your son, before they had even arrived at your house?
You say that you are cross that you had a nice time. I understand that, it is because your emotions were being rattled. Yes you had a nice time, it wasn't that long ago that you were finding it difficult to let your ex go and now you may well feel that you are being drawn in again. This is fine, accept it and move on.
How are you feeling today? Are you feeling strong?
Thanks Anna. I'm feeling much better about it all now. I think he probably did speak to J before he brought him home. I think I was so upset because he has taken a lot of getting over. It is only recently,nearly two years down the line, that I am feeling more confident in my role as single parent. I know that I can do things on my own. I've tackled holidays and illness, starting school all on my own and I'm still standing! Sunday was just like old times and it was really nice and comfortable. But I've now accepted that yes we had a lovely day together, but that's all it was. I've stopped being cross about it. J loved it, having mummy and daddy together, but then I spoke to him about it, saying that we couldn't keep doing it, he looked at me over the top of his glasses and said 'I know that mummy, but it was a really special treat'. They are so wise sometimes.
Ex is still being attentive. He's been sending me texts saying good morning, which is what he used to do. He text me yesterday telling me to drive carefully as he didn't want anything to happen to us. I read them and delete them. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he gets to me. I'm hoping by ignoring him he will get the message and go away.
Yes good plan, Looby, not engaging will help to discourage him. It is ironic, but not unusual, that the minute you are sorted, coping and independent, THAT is when he realises what he has lost!
You have done so well looby, and glad you're feeling strong.
Loads of hugs looby.
xxx