Hey guys, Im new to this but my head is all over so wanted feedback as I feel so alone. I was with my ex 3 years and have a child to him. I also have a child from a previous relationship. My ex was a sneaky drinker, was put on tablets to stop him drinking but he lied about taking them. He hit me and would call me names punching walls.. you no the type of abuse. He hit a policeman drunk in front of kids and got pepper sprayed so i ended it finally. He had supervised contact for 3 months. He got with my 'friend' after 2 weeks. she has a psychiatrist and adhd. i asked my ex to keep his loopy gf and child seperate which he didnt. I also seen evidence he has been drinking again so i stopped contact. His gf text me loads of abuse bragging they not been together 6 months yet but had a miscarriage and that they are making babies in love, also referring to my child as her step child. The woman is deluded. I have got a court date and he wants contact every weekend until court. I have another child so not sure when I will get a weekend with both children? Because of his violent drinking past, the fact I have 2 children I'm not sure what the court is likely to do. I want to pack up and move where my support is at the other end of the country to start a new life. I'm having panic attacks and feel sick at the thought of going back to my home town. Surely he wont be granted custody every weekend when would my 2 children and me get time together? Any advice would be appreciated as I feel so ill over it all. I've read a few threads on here and it's just awful. He also stopped paying but I'm sure that will make him look bad in court.
Hey Anna,
Thanks for replying. I live up north and have my mum and some friends but not much support up there. I'm down south visiting a friend at the moment, I have lots of friends here as I used to live here. The thought of going back up north next week is making me feel ill. I know I have to as it's where my house is. Yes I've stopped contact and I asked for a hair sample to test when the last time he had a drink was. His gf was quite abusive when I asked and I know this is because he will fail it. CAFCASS have been in contact through his solicitor but as I'm away I have not dealt with anything. Social services are coming to see me when I'm home to go through the forms with me. I feel like I can't breathe. His gf said she cant wait for it to go to court as she will be laughing when I get nothing. I feel like I'm being bullied into giving access when I'm not happy about it. I was ok when I was recieving updates about my ex and things were more civil but now as there is no communication I cannot settle when he has my child. He said what happens when he has her is not my business as long as she is safe.
Hello sarah catherine
Welcome from me too. The things that will "count" when this goes to court are what social services and CAFCASS say. So, no matter how stifled you may feel, these people are the key players and you need to keep them onside.
I agree with Anna, that you should withold contact for the time being.
Keep a record of all the abusive texts and incidents from himself and the girlfriend. You need to build up a picture of how they behave so that you can show that staying contact with them is not viable. Hopefully, any contact the court grants will be supervised and if so, that will happen for a few hours and be with dad only and there will be plenty of time for you to be with both children.
Have you had some legal advice?
Hi sarah,
Sorry to hear of your situation. I, too, am going through the courts with my abusive ex (I have lots of threads on here about it) and I can totally empathise with the panic attacks it is causing you. I would recommend you see your GP as panic attacks are very horrible.
If your ex has an alcohol problem and has been abusive in the past then you are well within your rights to stop contact and express these concerns in court. I hope you have a solicitor as I dont and I know just how hard it can be.
Dont listen to anything your ex's girlfriend says because she has no say over what happens and is just trying to bully you. My experience with CAFCASS has been excellent and they saw very quickly what type of man my ex is and they have stated he should have no contact with my daughter. They are very good at looking at the whole situation and they will take in to account the fact you have another child and the 3 of you need together time.
Most of all I wish you luck, and please stay strong x
Hi SC, I am wondering if you are home yet and had contact with social services and how it is all going.
This is a really difficult period, but remind yourself that it won't go on forever. You have some things that need sorting out before you get on with the rest of your life.
It sounds as though you have a lot of support down south and maybe once these Court dates have happened you can prepare to move down again?
Thanks little Angel and Anna,
I'm going home thursday night, got social services coming to see me on friday. I've looked into a charity called my sisters keeper. I think I should maybe get some extra help. I've even thought about going home and starting to have a good clear out and start preparing to move. Does anyone have experience with hostels? I'm not sure if I should wait to be rehoused or just go into a hostel. My social worker said she cannot do anything to get me moved but I've heard otherwise. I'm a band d on the housing list to move down south so need to go to doctors and get a doctors note. Not sure what my social worker can do though?
I really can't wait for it all to be over. When I split with him it was like a huge weight lifted. Even though it was abusive I still grieved for it but was relived it was over. The house is much happier without him but still the broken home is upsetting. I think its much harder for the women to move on than the men. My ex waited all of 2 weeks and she thinks she is the winner. Just wait until he turns on her.
Thanks for the support it's nice to be able to let off steam :)
Hi SC, clearing the home sounds like a brilliant idea, regardless of what your next move may be! It feels so good to be free of all the old junk that we leave lying around. Also re arranging the furniture and getting new pictures or new bed spreads works a treat!
With regards to your housing we do have a Housing Expert that you can email and ask a few questions. I think that if you move into a hostel, it is classed as making yourself intentionally homeless and doesn't look good.
Have you looked at Homeswapper? I know of quite a few people who have relocated by doing a transfer.
I am in a similiar situation but my daughter is 13 now and her father is manipulating her to cause arguments. I have tried to promote contact but he refused only wanting contact for 1 week per year. I told him this was unacceptable and he stopped all contact. Now he has contacted our daughter directly and has been telling her I have refused to allow him to see her and that I am "evil". This is obviously affecting the relationship I have with my daughter and feel I have nowhere to turn to. My daughter does want to see her dad but until he can be less aggressive towards me and consider the feelings of my daughter i have refused all contact until he applies to the courts for a contact order.
Hi paula0674 and welcome to One Space 
You can look around the site, start your own thread where we can support you, or post on other threads.
Have you any proof of the previous contact that your ex was offered?
Do you think that your ex is likely to go to court for contact? what have you said to your daughter about her dad and his non contact?
I have copies of all correspondence sent and received including text messages. I have been asking for my ex to take me to court for 3yrs but he keeps saying he would rather spend the money on his daughters which is untrue as i had to get an attachment of earnings for maintenance. I have been full and honest with my daughter and shown her all letters/texts and have explained that i am stopping contact until an agreement is in place that is safe for her and will allow her to see her dad on a regular basis not just when he feels like it.
Hi Paula 0674
Welcome along!
So if you have been open with your daughter about what has happened and she has seen the letters etc, is she not believing you and is that what is causing the problems?
I am concerned that she will believe his manipulating insulting comments regarding me. He accuses me of being "evil", "mental" and purposely stopping him from seeing her. She is caught in the middle of all of it and at 13 she doesn't understand why he is doing it. I am worried that given his alcohol abuse and the emotional mental abuse I sustained whilst married to him this will in turn start happening to my daughter. He is very clever at mind games and gets you to a point where you start believing no one else cares for you apart from him. This is the last thing I want to happen to my daughter but she is so desperate for contact I have to try and help her gain that but in a controlled environment.
Thanks for explaining that, Paula0674. I feel that she will be Ok with you if you contue to reassure her but maybe she would like to speak someone outside of the family, such as through a school counselling service or the teen section of Relate (click to see)
Many thanks for the link but unfortunately this isn't an accessable service in scotland. I think something like this would be very useful for my daughter. Do you know of a similar service in Scotland?
Oh sorry I did not realise you were in Scotland This link here is more helpful, there is a further link on that webpage to different organisations that help with young people's counselling and family mediation
Thank you Louise.
Good luck paula0674, I do understand how hard that is when your ex will try and manipulate your daughter.
Try not to talk to her about it all the time. When it is just you and her, do lots of fun things, have some good chats, just hang out together and enjoy each others company. Then pick a time when you will talk about him. Could you let her know your concerns about his manipulation and how it affected you? It sounds as though you do kind of want her to have a relationship but this is for her protection. Would she understand that if you explained it to her?
hey everyone, thought Id give you an update.. I got home and had a meeting with social services, she advised me on a few points. I went to doctors and they have put me on beta blockers for my nerves. My solicitor has put a domestic abuse file into the court as my ex conveniently forgot to mention everything he put me and the kids through. CAFCASS rang me the other day and listened to my side, they warned me my ex will be fuming when he reads their report. they are ordering a hair sample to prove he hasnt drank also they are doing a more indepth criminal record check and asking for a full welfare report. So really I have nothing to worry about. I have started collecting boxes, this has amused my friends as Im packing without a moving date. he had missed some payments for maintenance so I have gone through the correct channels.. turns out I was getting £40 a week less than I should of been so would really like to be a fly on his wall at the moment.
I'dadvise anyone in my situation to do everything through the correct legal channels, that way they cant keep on abusing us. I was so sick of my ex telling me he is entitled to more access that I want him to know exactly where he stands.
I went to hospital last week for a scan ive got to go and get my gallstones out.. im so scared! if it doesnt rain it pours.
Paula, I've also kept all letters and kept evidence of him publically slagging me off to show our daughter if he tries to twist it.. I'm also evil lol.. My ex is the type to try turn my daughter against me, I wouldnt worry too much, 13 is an age that most kids dislike their parents, she will see him for what he is eventually. in the mean time you just got to be the bigger person and stay neutral about her father, dont slag him off let her see his true colours herself because he will slip up.
Hello sarah catherine
Good to hear from you. Well done on making so much progress and, as you say, going through the correct procedure to see right done.
Sorry to hear about your op...maybe this can be done with keyhole surgery? In any case, do think about support for you and some care for the children during the time you will be out of action.
Hey Louise,
Well I had my court date and I'm so happy they seen straight through him. He admitted he had drank a few weeks back and ended up in hospital throwing up blood. All the evil things his sf text me saying no wonder he drank living with me and he is still drinking! The court gave him 3 hours supervised contact a week, also the gf has to stay away! They want a full Wellfare report too. Everything went in my favour.
I have been laid up for a few days with my back though, yeah it's keyhole surgery.. My mam said she would come stay with me to help with the kids.
Ive written a letter trying to get moved house quicker, my doctor said they would be happy to write a letter if the housing request one. I've also got a meetingwith a charity that help people in domestic abuse. I got out the relationship 9 months ago, I thought I was fine then I kind of went backwards a little. I'm going to do a self esteem course and maybe confidence building because I think it's affected me more than I initially thought.
I hope your ok Paula
Hello SC, that does sound really good news and a weight off your mind, how exhausting for you though and you still have the back op to come, good luck with that.
I think its normal that you feel you have gone backwards in some respects. Any recovery from trauma will go through different stages and as you get better you have to really get to the bottom of things in order to heal. The courses sound FAB! have you had a look at our online Freedom Programme?
Hi sarah catherine, welcome to One Space and thanks for sharing your story, it sounds like you have been through a really tough time recently.
You have already stopped contact, is that correct? I would keep contact witheld until court, regardless of what he is currently asking, as you are unsure if he will be sober or not whilst caring for your child.
No one can know what the courts will decide at this point. Have you been contacted by CAFCASS with regards to your youngest?
You say that you want to pack up and move to where your support is, but your next sentence says that you feel sick of going back to your home town, are they 2 different places?
Panic attacks are dreadful, have a look at this article (click) to find out how to cope with them.
One thing I have learnt is that worrying doesn't solve anything or change anything, it just makes the 'worrier' ill. So how about being kind to yourself this evening and let it go, tell yourself what will be will be and I will deal with it as it comes along.
Do you have a close family member or friend living nearby?