This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hello everyone.
I have recently moved out from living with ex partner who is father to my oldest child. He has also raised my younger daughter as his own and has been an excellent father to both children. I left him because he thought it would be better that I moved out due to the fact that he couldn't make a commitment to me (issues with mother inlaw - long story).
Anyway, he wanted to see the children every weekend that suited him ie when he wasn't skiing with his friends etc. I want a solid routine for them now and thought that every other weekend would be better as it would mean that we both got to spend time with them. They are at school and nursery so little chance of fun during the week. He works long hours so is unable to help out or even see them during the week.
This last weekend his parents were visiting and it had been agreed that both children would spend the weekend with him. On the Thursday he told me that he would only take his son. He said that as he couldn't see them every weekend then he would only be taking his son from now on. My daughter was very upset as she has known him to be daddy for 3 1/2 years. He took our son Friday evening and refused to return him Sunday evening, simply telling me that he would make sure he got to school Monday (today). I explained that he had homework to do and that in future he could have him stay but as nothing had been arranged he should be returned to me Sunday. He made out I was being unreasonable!?! I am now to collect my son at the end of the school day today!
Can anyone give me any advice?
Hello mandzi
Some good advice there from scallyally. I guess it depends on how amicable the relationship is, as to how you handle it. I often suggest a letter in these situations, as you can think very carefully about the words that you use. The bottom line is that you cannot force him to have contact with your daughter (as indeed you could not even if he WAS her biological father) so all you can do is explain how she feels.
The parenting time with your son, however, needs to be agreed between you. I do not know how old your son is but the older he is, the more flexible he can be with regard to times. How much homework does your son get? That does need to be factored in too. I would suggest drawing up an agreement between you, this can be done with a third party present such as a friend, or you could do it in a public place so you don't get too fraught. If you really cannot agree then you need to consider Mediation next, although please bear in mind that the agreements they reach in Mediation can tend to be rigid.
Thanks for your replies. My son is 5 years old so is still very young. I am going to try and speak to my ex in person soon to try and sort things out.
Good luck mandzi and let us know how you get on 
I do wish you well with this. I can imagine how confused your daughter well be feeling as well.
Thanks. Yes my daughter was confused but she is quite a mummy's girl, thankfully! so she wasn't too worried. I think she will be if this is a pattern for the future. If my ex didn't work such long hours then he would have been able to have the children during the week as we don't live too far apart. It is all very sad for me as I wasn't the one who ended the relationship. His mother made that call!
Hi mandzi
How confusing for all of you actually, what messages does this send to your son, that his dad doesn't want to see his sister? Is he aware that his father is not his sisters?
Your daughter may not seem too bothered at the moment, but if your ex does continue to only have your son, then she will soon begin to question why.
Louise makes a good suggestion about writing down all the different aspects of contact, this doesn't mean it is set in stone but it does mean that you can discuss things clearly without going off topic and missing out important things.
Some basic ground rules around visiting and contacting schedule, daily, weekly, holidays and birthdays. Who will deliver, drop off, how many days notice for change of plans on either side. Best way to communcate; in person, text, phone call once a week are all things to consider.
This is not for dictating, it is all for discussion. If you and he can set up some basic rules around how this is going to work in the future then it is more likely to be a positive experience for the children.
You say he has been an excellent father to both of the children, why do you think he was suddenly dictating and changing weekend contact with your son?
Hi Anna,
Thanks for your reply.
I think my ex changed the contact for the weekend because he was angry with me. I had suggested that he see the children every other weekend and he wasn't happy about this. He wanted the children to go to him on one of my weekends, as his parents were visiting so I suggested that we swap weekends in order to keep things fair and routine for the children. As he had been away previously (skiing with friends) it meant that he hadn't seen them for 3 weeks by the time last weekend arrived. He wasn't happy about this and said that he wouldn't be taking my daughter anymore as once a fortnight doesn't give him much time and he wants to devote more time to his son. I cannot make him take my daughter but I was very angry at the way he handled it (canceling her visit just a day earlier). She had been making cards for he and his parents all week! His mother is very involved in the situation and if it wasn't for her then we would still be together!
My son does know that his sister has a different father. She doesn't see her dad very often as he lives far away and has a new baby.
Hey mandzi
I found that my ex didn't like it if I suggested an alternative when he changed the plans, but of course this always ends up backfiring on the children. You are right that you can't make him take your daughter, but I wonder if it would be worth writing to him and saying that she was upset and perhaps he could take her out once a month?? You said he was a good dad to her, I wonder if you can appeal to his fatherly nature?
So mandzi, every post you mention your ex mother in law and how if it wasn't for her you would still be together......do you want to share whats been going on?
His mother has never approved of me as I am not as educated as her son. I know he loves his parents and always relies heavily on their comments unfortunately.
Do you know mandzi thats just such a shame. His mother has came in the way totally and split a family, however must she sleep at night. People that judge people in any way shape or form are out of order and make me so angry. It is heartbraking that this woman has came inbetween you and your ex it really is.
It is very sad. I didn't realise she was so influential until last Christmas. However if he listens so much to her then I am probably better off without him. I know I just need to remain strong now and sort a routine out for the children.
Yes, if you read problem pages, there is often one where one partner has had an unhappy life for maybe 25 years because their partner is still dominated by a parent. You need someone who puts you first! and if that does not happen then you are better off being single for the time being and concentrating on the children.
Here here!
Hi mandzi, I guess with his parents being around you havent really had the chance to speak with your ex and explain just how upset this has made your daughter. It will be hard for her to understand why her brother got to see his dad and she did'nt. Maybe if you explain this to your ex he will in future take them both and that he is being quite cruel in leaving her behind. As for not returning your son when you wanted him too again speak to him and make it quite clear that he is to be returned at a time that is reasonable and not when your ex decides.