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Hi folks, I'm not sure which forum this should go in...
My ex and I don't have any formalised access rules, we've never been to a solicitor or anyone legal, we've just worked it out over the past two and a half years, sometimes it's felt healthy, sometimes it's felt chaotic and bumbling. I've historically been the one who needs things sorted and notice given, and he's always been much more 'spontaneous' - though he does spend a lot of quality time with our son, ie, three days a week before and after school and time on most weekends, and sometimes we are all together at some point over the weekends.
Now that he's been seeing someone for about eight months, he/ she has more of a need to set clear boundaries, which is fair enough. But I'm having a bit of trouble with the length of time he can take our son away at short notice, and also how our son (7 years old) feels about it, ie, he makes it very clear that doesn't want to leave his mum for that long. So far he hasn't met my ex's new girlfriend (they don't live together yet), and so the time he spends with his dad is one-on-one - and I have to say that he usually comes back having had a great time.
So for example, on Wednesday my ex informed me that he wanted to take our son to his parents' other house in their village (we live in Spain, this is quite normal, not posh!) for three nights and days, as there's a long weekend here and my in-laws are going up there too (our son sees them most days too, they live around the corner).
However, I felt it was too short notice, told him, and he acknowledged this and agreed to make it two nights away. Personally I wish it was just one night, but there you go.
All fine there then, but for future reference I'd really like to have some advice on how much notice you all think is reasonable in such a case, as it's going to happen more often. I would say it should be two weeks - if nothing else so that I can organise my time and make the most of having two or three days of 'freedom'. But it's also so that our boy can know well in advance what's going to happen in his life, and not live with this sometimes rather chaotic edge.
Again, we've never formalised anything, so to be honest it ends up being my final decision (until it becomes necessary to formalise access, yuk). But then, of course, I invariably end up as the bad guy, the controlling one, in the eyes of my ex - or if I accept whatever he's arranged I feel I'm colluding with the randomness.
Finally, the issue of our son not wanting to go away with his dad, preferring to stay with me and getting upset. I find this so hard, worry that he's feeling abandoned by me, that he's building up resentment towards this mother who will let Daddy take him away from her.
I know this is basic stuff, but I just still don't know how to explain to this little boy that I really, really want to be with him but that Daddy and Mummy don't want to spend time together so we have to share him? It's so hard.
I hope this is clear and not too rambling!
Lucy
Hi Lucy Parsons
Awww it can be awkward, I know. There isn't a right or wrong answer, it is just what you find works for you. I am guessing that you are wondering, though, if you are being unreasonable. You're not. Not only are you entitled to be able to make your own plans but also it is insecure for your boy not to know when he is seeing dad.
I have noticed that you think of yourself as the bad guy because a. you sometimes reduce the requested contact and b, (conversely) you SEND your boy on the requested contact. In other words, whichever you do, you see yourself as the baddie.Please know that you are not, you are just trying to steer a course through some tricky waters.
Two suggestions: a book for you to buy for your boy, to read with him, it explains the concept otf Two Homes, see it here. Secondly, how about a date wallchart and some stickers...use this tool with his dad first 
What I mean is that you say to dad "X likes to know when he is going to see you. If we can plan the next contact day, we will put a sticker on that day, and X can colour in each day as we go along and he can see how many sleeps til he sees you." That will force dad's hand and also be nice for your boy. What do you think?
Thank you Sparkling and Louise, I really appreciate your comments and encouragement.
Louise, the chart and sticker idea is a great one, I think it could really help get some long term plans set and help us all psychologically. And I've whacked that book into my Amazon basket, plus a couple of the other books recommended for explaining all this to little ones.
Sparkling, you're so right about my positivity towards him going off with his dad being a major key in how my son feels. Usually I do manage to be thumbs-up about it and wave him off cheerily, particularly as he's usually back the next night, and I get a me-night in the process.
But the village where they're going this time is actually quite far away - it's three hours' drive from here, with no phone, and my ex doesn't use a mobile, he's against them. My in-laws (who always want me to go too!) live around the corner from me here, but that village is where their old family house is.
So, for me at least, it is quite a long way to go, and my lad can't even call me if he wanted to.
Another layer is that in that village the children don't speak Basque, only Spanish, so my boy has found it difficult to mix in with them as his Spanish isn't very good, and I reckon that's another major reason why he didn't really want to go. It won't do him any harm to have to speak it, but I guess he finds it hard.
OK - POSITIVITY: I've got hair-dye brewing away nicely under a placky bag, a new (second-hand, of course) top to show off, so I'm off out to make the most of my free time!
Thank you both again,
Lucy
Excellent! I hope your pleased with your hair...
That is a long way to go. Would you be able to get a mobile for him? Or is the signal not so good?
I have to say that I get on really well with my ex-in-laws, although she's his step-mum, which does help. We've been there for tea this evening as it's father-in-law's birthday. He's not so well though, and it's hard as the children can see his health failing.
hi lucy parsons welcome to this site , you will feel like you are the baddie but you are not you have the welfare of your son and have but that first . it is nice that you are on good terms with your ex , but like sparkling as said it may change a little now he as found someone. i no doubt you do say you love your son but tell him you are not going anywhere and you will always be there for him i think that is the feeling of most kids is that just cause one set of parents have gone then the other must be planning on going too , in my case mine did feel that . what louise as said about a chart sounds good hope you stay with this site and keep posting
Thanks Sparkling and Shaz.
Shaz - you said:
'tell him you are not going anywhere and you will always be there for him
i think that is the feeling of most kids is that just cause one set of parents have gone then the other must be planning on going too'
Thank you - I don't think it's ever occurred to me that K could imagine I'd leave him but, of course, how could he know that for sure? As you say, in their minds, if Dad has 'left' them, Mum could do the same, couldn't she?
I often remind K that Daddy loves him so much, but he just has a different way of living than some other daddies. I obviously tell him I love him all the time, but at the moment what I need to get across to him is that my way of living is the same as most other mummies, and I'm not going anywhere!
Sparkling - how old is your father-in-law? And is it general failing health or something specific? Mine is only 69 but he's had three strokes over the past 10 years and while he's very active in lots of ways, his ability to communicate has been quite damaged and so the grandchildren just don't really bother talking to him, which is very sad.
I'm more aware of the difference when I see my own dad each summer - he was 80 this year but is relatively compus mentis, apart from the odd ramble (like me, really!). He and my step-mum came over to visit last weekend, actually - a first! We had dinner with the ex-in-laws one night (ain't life strange?) and I think my son really noticed the difference between the two grandads, my father-in-law just sitting there grinning most of the time and my dad yakking away after a couple of glasses of wine. And in English, of course, which my in-laws don't speak at all! Most entertaining, and a tad surreal...
OK, take care,
Lucy
Hi Lucy. That was nice, to have a visit from your Dad and step mum. Also lovely to read that you all had dinner with your ex in-laws. I think that is fantastic for your son to see too.
What are you up too today? The weather is so miserable.
My FiL is 82 but has emphysema. He smoked most of his life, giving up at 65... He started having problems soon after.
I've lost both my parents. Its coming up to 20 years since I lost my Dad (he died suddenly at 67), and it will be 15 years at Christmas since my Mum died - she also died suddenly at 67!
I'm so glad that my ex-in-laws have stayed in the lives of my lot. It was a bit difficult for FiL at first, but as MiL is a step-Mum, it made things easier. For a while I had a boyfriend, and he would join us there for New Year's day dinner - yes, very surreal!! Mind you, didn't have the added challenge of a language barrier.
Hi Hazeleyes, thanks, it was good to have some rellies over, it doesn't happen very often. Today it was actually really sunny here, but K was out with his dad so I took advantage of the time to catch up on some paperwork and emails - and this site. But last night's clock change kicked in at 6.30pm, totally dark - what a load of nonsense that is!
Sparkling, I'm so sorry to hear that you lost both your parents when they were so young, that must have been really hard for you. Were you all very close? Have you got siblings you have good relationships with?
That's very interesting that you're still so close to your ex-in-laws - I am to mine, and I think it's partly to make up for the fact that my relationships with both my parents have always been difficult. My sisters have had the same experience.
Ok, it's late here, I'm off to bed - my boy has just this evening come down with something, got a slight temperature, the first illness of the winter. He normally sleeps like a log but tonight could be a bit rough...
Lucy
hi lucy parsons i think that kids need to know that we are not going to leave them with mine it as been over 5 months and they still feel that i am , wehn i go out anywhere they ask when you going what time you be back ? i think that it is lovely that you have a good relationship with your ex in-laws. sadly mine blame me for what my ex has done .
yes sign winter is coming the colds and coughs start . hope your son feels better soon and he did have a good night sleep and you did too .
I agree with shaz that it is good to reassure your children, a separation can make them worry more.
Hope your son is better this morning, Lucy 
Hope your son is ok this morning.
I have a brother and sister - a lot older than me. We're not that close sadly, and the age gap seems to make things harder!
Glad you had a sunny day. Back to rain and wind here (North Wales). We should be used to it now...
Hi Lucy Parsons
Was it this weekend that your son went away? Did he have a good time?
Your son is very lucky to have all his family living in such close proximity, I am presuming that they think it is completely normal to take him off to their other home at short notice. If you were still with his dad, is this something that you would do often? Or is it certain times of the year (so you can be prepared)?
Your son is part Spanish, not an English boy in Spain, so these short breaks will become part of his life. Have you thought any more about how much notice you need before K goes away and how much notice K needs?
Hi Lucy
It sounds as if you have a pretty good relationship with your son's father, although things will probably be changing now he has a girlfriend.
I think the way your son will be able to 'deal' with things will depend on how positive you can be about it.
If you can be positive about the time he had with his Dad then he won't necessary be feeling abandoned by you. You're not abandoning him. He is simply having some time with his Dad. There is no reason for there to be resentment. Him spending time with both his parents is a good thing - even though you may not feel this.
It sounds as if he has a good time with his Dad and his paternal grandparents too. And he's not going too far away...
As for the short notice. In my case my children's Father kept cancelling contact time - which he had chosen to put in place. The only solution I was able to come up with, to stop the anger my children were experiencing with the cancelations was for him to give me 24 hours notice of when he wanted to see them. This included over night stays.
The children dealt with this really well. If we had plans then I would tell him it wasn't convenient - which only happened a couple of times (he has since moved away).
If you can keep things informal and find a way of 'dealing' with things, it will be so much calmer.
Just my thoughts though and how things are with me...