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Hi Everyone,
Looking for some advice, have been to the health visitor's recently about my son and his behaviour and some things he has been saying which i thought were unusal for a toddler of 3. She has referred him to a behaviourist/ child pyschologist to get us some support and help, which is great. But the issue i have and i have mentioned it to her is with his Dad, and getting him to understand his son's behaviour problems, as well as the other issues he has. A few weeks ago i was taken to see my gp in an emergancy as my family were struggling to stop my nose from bleeding after my son headbutted me, (not the 1st time either, but the most serious time) have been told if he continues headbutting me on the nose i will need surgery to repair the damage, nose is now really sensitive it hurts to blow. His dad's response when told was "maybe he should spend more time with me and his nana, then he would not have so many bhavioural issues".
This also comes now with my son saying he does not want to see his dad if his sister is there (his half sister from a relationship he started straight after we split after i lost our baby daughter), also he uses our son to ask for things that he does not understand about, like staying over the night. Our son has also started asking for me not to take him to have his hair cut as he wants to be a girl.
All this has been mentioned to the health visitor heance the referral to the behaviourist/ child pyschologist just to help me gain control over my son's behaviour before i end up under the knife for surgery (i do like my nose and dont like the idea of have plastic surgury done curtsery of the NHS when that money can be used to do life saving opertaions). The issue is when i bring this up with his dad, he becomes defensive, which in a way i can understand (espically with the issue on his daughter) but he has said something with his family in front of our son and our son now goes round calling me naughty mummy or paranoid y******.
Sorry for the rant but i need help on how to calm son down until i see specialist, he is on a soya/ low in fat diet, he rarely eats chocolate or crisps, and is going to start rugby this weekend, also need advice on how to talk to ex about what was said in front of son without losing temper as all i want to do is kick him were the son dont shine and call him a few lovely names which would get me in to trouble but i know thats not the way, but he really does not understand how serious this issue is, if out son can injure me, what damage can he do to another child if he gets one of his temper tantrums at nursery who are aware of this and know there are no real warning signs that lead up to his outbursts that have been observed as of yet.
Hey HM,
thank you, am ok. just glad health visitor done the referral for son, dont like being hit by son, but its his dad thats causing problems, his answer to everything is let him spend time with him and his mum, and that our son has no problems
but thank you
Hi spanish gothic, i have come across similair cases to yourself where one parent is in denial and not wanting to except that there could be possible problems with their childs behaviour.
If he won't listen to you, you could try writing him a letter about your sons behaviour etc, if you get any reports or feedback from the behaviourist or child pshycologist, you could show him those.
Whats your sons behaviour like at nursery?
Hi Sally W,
He was invited to come to the intial meeting with the health visitor which was to assess our son and he refused to come, that appointment lasted two hours, and was to see how our son done and go over the reports from both dr's and nursery on his behaviour, thankfully his behaviour has not been too bad at nursery, no major problems, a couple were he has hit out with his hands at other kids but nothing as bad as what i get, but i am grateful in way that some of his behaviour has been witness by either drs or speech therapists in the past where he has lashed out and really injured me.
In regards to his dad, all letters from professionals do get forwarded to him, but he still does not believe them, he has never attended any appointments his son has. but he also believes he make these problems go away
My own feeling would be that once he is referred and you have a "line" of letters, you could photocopy them and go and see a solictor. If you would like some legal advice about this from our Expert in the meantime, then please click here
Hi Spanish Gothic
Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It's really irritating when the other parent can't/won't see the situation. I have this with my ex but I have come to the conclusion that my son probably wouldn't have the same problems with his Dad because he wouldn't be allowed to express anything.
In a way it's positive that your son feels he can misbehave with you. I think it might mean he is secure in your consistency and love and it is the only way he can really process or express his feelings of confusion and upset over the situation, especially when his Dad says inappropriate things about you.
I have been advised to make firm rules with consequences and stick to them. This is possible even with a three year old. So the first thing would be to be very clear with him on a daily basis (I used to do this when we got up) what the rules are. Keep them simple - you can either go down the "don't" route (don't hurt others, no hitting etc.) or if he can understand it, the more positive framing of "be kind and gentle to others" type thing.
When it looks like he is about to break a rule (e.g. he looks like he may be about to headbutt you) remove yourself swifly from his direct reach and firmly remind him of the rules and consequences. If he puts one foot out of line, I would come down hard on him and go for the consequence anyway. It needs to be fairly immediate and if possible, a natural consequence. So like, if you are unkind to Mummy, Mummy won't want to play with you or if you throw your toys Mummy will take them away.
I found all this very difficult with my son (still do!) as you feel for the turmoil they are obviously in, however the best thing you can do for them is to give those absolutaly unflinching boundaries. The flip side is to offer other outlets for expression of confusion/anger.
It's not to young to try and get him to identify and name his emotions. You can help him in this by saying "you seem really angry" or "you seem really sad". I used to just guess - sometimes I was wrong but when I was right it was helpful and 2 years on my son is quite emotionally literate.
When he is feeling angry you could give him something violent he is allowed to do such as punch a pillow. You could give him a crayon and piece of paper and say draw how angry you are. I would stay with him for any of these activities so he doesn't get overwhelmed with his emotions. You can say things like "you really are angry" as he's doing it to validate him further.
One thing I used to try and do was talk to my son all the time. I wanted him to tell me what was going on but he couldn't. Then I learnt how young kids communicate through play, so I started playing puppets with him or telling stories that he had input into. The issues he was dealing with soon came out. I soon learnt you don't actually have to solve the problems, just allowing them to play about them can help them process them.
As an aside, I wouldn't worry about the girl thing. Both my boys wanted to be girls aged 3. They wore skirts and my youngest wore jewelry. He is still doing it aged 4 but the 5 year old has completely grown out of it. I personally don't think it's an issue (unless it's attached to something else.)
Not sure if this has really helped but thought I would share my experience anyway.
Gem
x
Hi Louise, yeah, thats going to be the plan when the letters come in plus i have all the others from all the other professionals aswell, but he's made it clear he does not want to go that route again, but i need him to take it seriously which he is not so i will get legal advice on this matter.
Hi Gem, Thank you for the advice, i have tried a few of those, they sometimes work, the headbutting thing does not always work, hence the going to play rugby, he usually does it when we are playing together and comes at me and does it, it is harder to tell him off when i am attempting to stop a nose bleed but i think now he has started to realise that injuring me like that means he loses his toys for a set period of time and touch wood has not done it for a couple of weeks but the health visitor suggested maybe signing him up for something like rugby to see if getting him run out some of his energy helps. I have tried talking to him and getting to play but he does get aggressive which is where the behaviour problem lies.
When he's with his dad, i'm not sure how he behaves, but his dad says he's good as gold, never gives him any trouble, but i know that family well enough to know they are short tempered and heard the stories from him from how when he was growing up the punishments they would recieve, so i would not put it pass them if my son was scared to put a foot wrong as in the past he has come home with unexplained brusing that when questioned i was told it was in my imagination, and yes the health visitor has seen, but social services believed him at that point.
The health visitor also said the same as you did, that at least i am doing something right if my son is comfortable to misbehave in front of me, but as much as i love him, i wish he would give it a break for it a bit.
Thank you for the play advice i will have to give it a try, may have to try the puppet one, not tried that for a while since the speech therapist scared him with a talking crocodile, but will definately try it again. The girl thing is related to the dad, he went through a phase of playing with my make up and jewellery and having to wear it as well which i did not mind as i knew it was a normal part of them growing up, but he did grow out of it but recently he has started again and when i said ok to him growing his hair out, as i have no problem with it, i did ask him why, he said "daddy likes S**** more" which was what got me worried.
Hi Again
Im guessing when he is with his dad he is allowed to do whatever he likes hence he is not experiancing the same behaviour as you. Or like you said he is too scared to do anything. Really feel for you both
Although Ive not had to go through it with my children as their 'father' dumped them when he dumped me. I see it happening with my grandson age 7. My daughter is a great mum but when the little one comes back from his dads he can be awful. The good thing is 1 phone call from nannie (me) he is back to his normal self. My daughter hates calling me in but when she does he knows he is in trouble.
Have to admit i did chuckle @ the daddy likes S**** more - seems hes dealing with a few of his own issues which prevents him from helping with his son
HM
Thankfully your son has you looking out for him spanish gothic, if his dad does not want face up that his child is having difficulties then that's his problem and there is not a whole lot you could do if he is not even accepting opinions from professionals.
Hi Again Happy Mamma and Sally W
thanks guys, i do want him to be part of m's life but he is making it difficult, he does not want to listen to professionals and the only people he does listen to, do not like me, no guesses there then as to who they are, never done anything to them except give them a lovely grandson and the other one i have never met dislikes me anyway so i dont know. I guess i will have to leave it with the professionals and lawyers and see what happens from there. I need to do what is right by M for his sake and for my safety.
Yes, you do. High five to you, hopefully you and your son will get some support and help, that's the most important thing.
Thanks for the advice and support guys :)
Just thinking how lucky M is to have such a good mummy x
Thanks Happy Mamma, Just to update M's dad is still being silly about this and is now asking for me to forward information onto him from the dr's, I know that if it comes addressed to the Parent(s) of so and so then legally i have to but if it only comes addressed to the Parent of so and so do i need to forward it to him. Also there is certain info that hospitals and dr's hold that even i can not see, that he has asked for and i told him that it is not possible and if he wants the information that he needs to start turning up to the appointments, am i being fair in this point.
Thanks again everyone
Hello spanish gothic ,
It is reasonable for him to ask for copies of things that are sent to you if they concern the health of his child. I totally agree that if he is that bothered, he can come to the appointments, but in the interest of "doing the right thing" you could photocopy the stuff from the doctor/hospital and send it with a short covering note saying "Here are copies of everything I have. If you want more information then you will need to apply direct to the doctor/hospital as this is everything I have. I will keep you updated with any more things that are given/sent to me" Keep a copy of this letter and write in your log that you have sent this. What you need to be able to show is that you have been eminently reasonable. if he comes back to you, re-asking questions about stuff you do not have, you stay calm and reply "As I said, you have the same information I have and the hospital will be able to tell you anything else you want to know"
Thanks Louise, I have given him copies of information I do have, but the other day we were going in for an eye check and he asked me to ask the hospital fo a copy of all of M's notes on his behalf which i replied if he wanted to know what was going on then come with us to that appointment and ask himself or contact the hospital, i dont know if he had tried to contact the hospital andas he is not down on M's records he was not given any information I am not sure, but i can only tell him the information they give me, as they do not send out notes. I know certain departments do and he has these as they are addressed to the Parents of M, but i have appointment letters that also come addressed to the Parent of M, but i still send him a copy of that even though it only states 1 parent. I dont think it is too much to state that if he wants information that he attends, I do feel like he treats me like a caretaker for our son as well as a secretary, that i feel that if the letter is address to Parent of M that i should not have to pass it on to him.
Well you have done what you can so far and it is true that he can either come to appointments or contact the hospital himself if he wishes!
Hi Spanish Gothic
I just wanted to say I really feel for you. I dont have any experiance with this. Im sure someone on here will have something or advice that can help you and even if there isnt at least you have somewhere to let off steam.
Hope your ok
HM x