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Hi!
Can anyone help point me in the right direction? I have been split from my ex for 2 years and we have a daughter who is soon to be 4 years old.
I am trying to be amicable, he sees our daughter every Thurs/Fri/Sat to try to keep things as even as possible. Unfortunately this mean I don't see her on a non-school night, I have asked to have her one Saturday each month from tea time so that we can occasionally do things without having to be back home and in bed early. At first he agreed but now he has completely refussed. I feel extremely intidated by him and don't know how to address this.
Secondly, our daughter goes to nursery and he doesn't pay towards the bills. I don't ask for maintenance as he has her half the week and I don't think he should pay me for things. However, she attends nursery on the days that he has her too yet he doesn't pay. He agreed that he should and asked for the invoices, I gave him copies but he said I could've created them. This has been going on for 2 years now. The CAB say there is nothing I can do about this.
I live in our house, it is for sale and he doesn't pay towards the mortgage, I can only just manage the payments on my own and although I have been told he is legally liable to pay half I can't make him do it!
Finally, our daughter has now just been diagnosed with Selective Mutism, she will not talk to any adults apart from myself, my ex and my parents and will only talk to a small group of children at nursery. I have tried to talk to my ex about it and have sent him links and paragraphs of informaton but he tells me there is nothing wrong with her and that any issues are due to me. One very important thing not to do with Selective Mute children is to put any pressure on them to talk, he tells her she has to talk if someone asks her a question. I am in the process of arranging for her to see a speech therapist and am working closely with her teacher but I am affraid that any good that we are doing will be undone by him.
Although I am considered to be the main parent I don't feel in control and have no idea what to do. Although he never struck me he constantly used mental abuse on a daily basis and stupidly it makes me feel very vulnerable. If I try to talk to him he gets arguementative and says he knows what the problem is, it's me.
Any advise would be very welcome
Thanks for your response! I know I need to get tough but I really don't know where to start and as pathetic as it sounds I am frighten of the reaction it will get.
I did see a solicitor about the mortgage when we first split and her advice was ridiculous, she said he had to pay half and if he refused then I should not pay it and he would have to! She didn't quite understand that he wouldn't care less and that I didn't want to default on my mortgage payments.
I do think I need to see another solicitor for a second opinion, however, I am pretty sure I am not entitled to legal aid and after paying for the mortgage, nursery and other bills there is no way I could afford a solicitor. Thanks for the link for the legal expert.
Have you ever been in contact with Womens Aid redhaze? They can offer you excellent support emotionally via their 24 hour helpline 0808 2000 247. Why not give them a call to see what is available in your area.
This is going to be difficult and you have spent a long time trying to keep this person happy, but now it is time for you to take control of your life back. You will be surprised that you do have the strength. I had to go through a similar situation and it was really scary, so I used all the resources I could get my hands on. Solicitors, support services, womens centres, everything. I promise you that you can get through this, you know that you want the best for your daughter.
Did you initiate the split with your ex?
I haven't ever been in contact with WomensAid, thank's for the suggestion.
Yes I initiated the split but he wasn't upset by it. It was a hard decision for me because I wanted our daughter to have a happy family home, but living in that atmosphere wasn't good and I knew if I was happier then it would be best for her too.
I asked because I too had to initiate the split and it was the hardest decision of my life and very painful and scary too. But the point I wanted to make was that you made that decision and it was hard, these next steps that you take are still going to be difficult but hopefully not any harder than anything you have done before. AND once things start to settle into a better place, you will never have to go back to how out-of-control you feel now.
Please do call Womens Aid, it is important that you start to rebuild your life after surviving intimidation, harrassment and belittlement. You need to start looking after you.
If you want to learn more about your experiences we have the Freedom Programme online, which is an excellent course where you learn about abusive tactics and your beliefs and can help you gain strength and confidence.
Do you have a support network locally?
Dear redhaze, what a worry for you. There are a lot of issues here and I think you need to find a solicitor to help you work through them.
You have every right to change the arrangements if they don't suit you.
A solicitor can advise on the best way forward in regards to contact details. This may come in the form of a letter sent to him stating the days and hours you would like to re arrange, the ball would then be in his court to respond to your solicitor.
A solicitor will be able to help you with answers on the best way forward with payments on the house if he is legally liable for them.
We have a legal expert that you can email and get a personal confidential response back, click here to give you a head start.
If he has consistently mentally abused you throughout your relationship it is very understandable that you feel intimidated. And now he is continuing to abuse you via your daughter, which in turn she gets caught in the mix too.
It sounds as though every step you take he constantly manipulating the situation, giving a little bit (ie saying he will pay nursery bills, agreeing to changing days etc), so that you think you are getting through to him, but then withdrawing and being undermining and abusive in the process.
None of what he is doing is for his daughter, it sounds as though he has just found another angle to attack you from.
The problem is not you. It sounds as though you have tried to sort this out amicably, but it is now time to get tough. We are here to support you and it will be hard, but this can't continue for neither your or your daughters sake.
Do you know if you are entitled to Legal Aid?