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Hi,
I'm new to the site, but have just spent an hour or so browsing through and it looks excellent, with lots of kind, helpful people around sharing advice and experiences.
My current predicament is that my ex partner and I seperated around 8 weeks ago. Nobody did anything wrong, we just fell out of love a long time ago and the fire had well and truly died.
Things have been very hot and cold since the split, one week she's been nice, the next she's been abusive and harassing me and my family members. My only interest is coming to an agreement for the children. On two occasions she has prevented me seeing them.
The financial side is sorted, I'm paying a standing order into her account each week for slightly more than the CSA actually recommended.
I have genuinely been amicable and mature throughout the whole period since the split, as I only have the children in mind. Her issue is that she wants to 'give it another go' and because I refuse she's setting out to try and destroy my life.
She has openly admitted by text message that she's just waiting for an opportunity to make sure she can stop me from seeing them, she's constantly texting me abusive messages, I've been publically slated on Facebook, she is now threatening to constantly call my place of work and tell whoever answers the phone 'stories' about me, she's threatened to prevent my parents from seeing the children.
If I go out at any point whilst they're in my care and leave my parents to look after them, (by this, I mean on a the very rare occasion that it's someones birthday etc, and I suggested that after I've cared for the children all day, then put them to bed, I would trust my parents to listen out for them) then she'd stop me having access to them altogether.
It just seems to me like she doesn't have the best interests of the children at heart and she's using them as a weapon to try and get me back. I just want to be an active part of my childrens lives, and build on my career which I've put an awful lot into and worked extremely hard for, without her harrassing me and trying to control my life.
I'm concerned, as I don't really know what legal rights she has (or I have). I'd prefer not to go through the legal route, however it seems the only option at the moment. I just wouldnt want to go spending a lot of money going through solicitors without knowing what the reasonable options are.
Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.
Many thanks,
NOTE FROM MODERATOR: Name removed for confidentiality and anonymity as directed by the One Space forum rules.
not that I am condoning her behaviour in anyway but I never realised until I split with my ex how communication can get so mixed up - he says one thing - I hear another and vice versa.
If we were telling our stories to one person they would sound very different I am sure of that
I don't really have any advice other than keep being consistent with your children
Perhaps you could write her a letter and explain how you feel
It is hard if one person wants a reconciliation and the other doesn't but I think most cases are like that and only a few are with a joint agreement with both parties
The other alternative would be mediation or you could seek a separation agreement
Thank you Surviving Mommy and littleredhen, I understand your comment regarding two sides to every story, however I do try to be as honest as possible otherwise there would be no point in wasting both mine and everyone else's time on here.
I haven't looked in the 'Freedom Programme', however I certainly will be doing. I have attempted a couple of seperation agreements, but she has point-blankly refused to sign anything without even reading through it.
The only way I can see is through the courts, but I'm not exactly loaded and can't afford to go through legal advice/legal route etc if there's a risk that she'll get her own way and the childrens best interests aren't put first.
If by parental resposibility you mean on the birth certificate, then yes I'm the named father on the birth certificate of both my son and daughter. They're only 2 and 1, so they don't really know too much of what's going on at the minute. I just want everything sorted before it starts to affect them.
You'll be surprised how much they will pick up on. My daughter is only 2 and her behaviour is exhausting! I think it's a result of what we've been through and when I look back her 'tantrums' started when she was about 1. Hopefully with you being amicable they won't be picking up on the atmophere.
You say you're 'not loaded' try the 'legal aid calculator' worth a try. Think you have more rights if you have 'PR' and by being named on the birth cert gives you that. x
Hi pearson114 and welcome to One Space 
Your ex sounds as though she is still feeling very unstable about the separation. From what I can gather you have supportive parents, a flourishing career and lots to live for, whereas she may well be feeling trapped, (full time with 2 very small children), tired, alone and unsupported. Her hormones are probably still playing havoc too. Who does she think got the better deal?
It may be that you need to go down the legal route, but if you can find anyway forward without that of course it wouldn't lead to so much animosity.
From your messages, I get the impression that you are probably aware of this and are a thoughtful chap. Do you get on with her parents or her friends? Does she get on with your mum?
Hi there, as said early mediation may help if is she is willing. A neutral trained mediator works with you both to discuss all the issues related to their family conflict ,to explore possible options for settlement and to identify solutions that best meet the needs of both parties This could help by saving time ,money and less sress.If you cannot reach an agreement you may need to prepare yourself for court.
It may be in your interest to also look up CAFCASS on the internet.
Home-start is a useful link for families (see if you have one in your area) they will do their best to help both parents going through seperation or divorce, you can self refer
Hi pearson114
You have been given a lot of great input. I would just mention that Home-Start (referred to above) tend to concentrate their resources on the parent who has the children living with them.
Legal aid: unless you are on benefits or a very low income indeed then it is unlikely you will qualify but do look at the calculator.
It feels to me as if the heat needs to be taken out of the situation. Your children's mother is verbally lashing out as she is so upset about the break-up, especially if she wants to reunite and you don't. It is a good idea if you can stay calm and not engage in the emotive stuff that is going on. You can offer to go to mediation (this has to be paid for too, unfortuantely) to get an agreement in place. I do think a written agreement would be best so see if she will go. As for her stopping your parents seeing the children, when the children are in your care, as long as they are safe and well cared for then really it is not her concern.
Do you think she would go to mediation?
Hi all,
Thanks again for the fantastic advice. Unfortunately things took a turn for the worse over the weekend, after a wonderful weekend with my children I dropped them off last night she announced she wanted to change their surnames to her surname (as I am "just a sperm donor") and also announced that plans are underway for her and the children to move to France with her mother and step-father. When I calmly explained that I wouldn't be happy with either, and tried to walk out of the house after the sperm donor comment she physically attacked me.
I spoke to my parents on my return home and agreed that absolutely no contact between her and I will take place and any contact she needs to make will be made to my father, and he will pick up the children and drop them off when I have them. It's driving me insane, I just us to both move on, but agree to what's best for the children but it's impossible to be reasonable with her.
My main question is, I know that she can't change their surnames without my permission but do I have any right to stop her moving to a different country with my children?
Hi pearson114, I am sorry to hear about the distressing situation. I hope the children were unaware of her outburst?
I don't believe that you can stop her moving to another country, however you will need to seek some legal advice on this. Our legal experts on this site are only funded to support the parent with care, so would not be able to advise you on this, but you can go to a local family solicitor and have the first hour (or half an hour) free.
I think that you and your parents have come up with a good plan, that you and she no longer have contact, it is great that they are there to help with this.
Hi pearson114
If you have Parental Responsibility then she would normally need your permission to move...however, talk to a solicitor about whether you also need to take out a specific Prohibited Steps Order.
It's really sad that she is still feeling so bitter and a fantastic idea for your dad to be in charge of the handovers.
Find a solicitor here
Thank you both.
Anna, both children were asleep during the outburst. The whole thing lasted no more than 90 seconds as I vacated the property as soon as I could, the attacks were as I were try to leave. Still, the injuries I sustained would suggest otherwise.
Am I going to contact a family law solicitor today and arrange for access to my children to be made through the legal route. It's sad that it has got to this stage, but all in all I think it will be best for the children in the long run.
Louise, yes I do have PR as I am named as the father on both birth certificates. I have read certain sources and I believe she can't move permanently to another country without my consent, although I will be double checking with a solicitor.
Good luck pearson114
This is really sad for everyone. The children are very young. The best thing for them will be for their parents to make a "stable" relationship between themselves. With children of a young age, I can certainly understand how terrified your ex wife must be feeling...she may be thinking that she will be getting an extremely raw deal....all the hard work of childcare, with minimum support...for YEARS AND YEARS! She may be feeling hard done by.
A mediator sounds good...or some family counselling (you are...still a family). For whatever reasons you have split up...remember, not long ago you wanted to make babies together...and that is a full time, long term responsibility.
Your wife is reacting to fear and stress, and I would suggest needs medical assistance and counselling through what must be an incredibly hard time.
I hope you don't assume I'm taking sides...but when two lovers become enemies...the passion is almost as strong...but now it is negative! Many people act without thinking things out when under severe pressure and stress.
Make a compromise....I have managed to reach a compromise with my ex husband....although at first I felt like we would be battling...when you realise it is counterproductive, you can both move on. Try to see it from her point of view, and she may then see things your way...by making life harder for her....it WILL be for your children and for you. Whatever you wish, you cant undo what has been done...you both have children....sit down and think about how this can work for both of you...you have worked hard for your career you say....maybe she saw home making as a career...and now she has been made redundant....that can be a big shock. Losing confidence, and feeling threatened...some people act inappropriately.
Take advice...see a relationship counsellor and work on compromises. If she moved to France...what would the advantages and disadvantages be?? Dont throw any idea away until you have really thought it through....
Best wishes to your family at this very difficult time. Give love to all involved and you will all find some peace and joy.
Hi,
Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time with your ex :( She really should think about her children and be able to put them first and do whats right for them. By using them as a weapon against you is very cruel and not fair on you either. I don't see a problem with you going out and your parents looking after them. Sounds to me like she's jealous and will use the 'jailer' tecnique to stop you from going out socialising. Have you looked at the 'Freedom Programme' on here. It's a bit of an eye opener.
Do you have 'parental responsibility?'