Hi There,
I'm brand new to this site, and was wondering if anyone might be able to help me with something....
I am a single mum to a beautiful 2 (almost 3) year old boy. The father has not been involved at all since I told him I was pregnant. This is not a problem for me, the only person missing out is him.
My issue is that I need to make a decision as to what to tell my son about why he doesn't have a Dad. He goes to nursery part time and as he sees and hears the other kids talking about their Dad's it's only natural that he is now starting to think about his own. At the moment, when he mentions Dad/Daddy, I just say, 'you don't have a daddy honey, but you've got a Mummy, a Grandma and a Grandad and as he's so young, this tends to be the end of it, however I know that in a very short space of time, there will inevitably be a 'why'?! And I don't know what to say. I need a short, concise and clear sentance to be able to say to him, so that he understands (as much as a 2 year old can) and also he can say it to other children who ask him (I know that this will happen also). I don't want to go down the route of bad mouthing his father, because I just don't think that's the right thing to do, at the end of the day, it was a shock for both of us when I became pregnant (I was told I couldn't have children after various cancer treatments) and I made it clear that I would not be having a termination, so it was his decision not to be involved (the fact that he isn't a very nice person is purely coincidental!!). I also don't want to lie to him in any way, as I never want to break his trust, especially about something so important, so I can't tell him he's dead, or doesn't live in the same place as us etc etc. Obviously as he gets older I can explain more about our situation and what happened, but that is just not going to work with a two year old.
I have an amazing support network of friends and family, and know numerous single mums and dads, however, the situation I am in is unique in my group, everyone else has some sort of relationship with their ex, and their children do also, be it good or bad, so I am looking for advice from someone who might be familiar with this scenario......
Any feedback would be appreciated.
Hello Mum of K,
Welcome to One Space 
I hope you're finding your way around the boards ok. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Hmm, that is a tricky one isn't it? I totally take on board what you say about not 'bad mouthing' K's dad, I have the same attitude regarding my daughter A's father - but as you say, she has a relationship with her dad.
The issue is going to be avoiding K getting the message that his dad didn't reject him as an individual, isn't it (because he didn't by the sound of it, he just didn't want to be a father full stop). So how do you go about that without K feeling 'not good enough' or painting yourself as the 'baddie'? I don't know, to be absolutely honest. I've just had a quick scout around and turned up this article - it seemed to be a starting point at least.
Good luck, Mum of K!
Thank you for your response (and for the article links), you're absolutely right, he didn't reject my son, just the whole idea of parenthood with/for someone he hadn't chosen, on that basis I feel quite comfortable talking to K about things this way when he's a little older and has started to get to grips with more intangible things, my specific issue is more with what to say now, before I can have that more considered discussion. You know what kids at this age are like, as long as they get a concise, sensible answer they're happy, at least until he's old enoug to understand some of the bigger concepts around the situation - do you know what I mean?! It's that magic sentence I'm after, lol!!!
I do know what you mean, yes. Can't help you with the wording though, I'm afraid! Hope you find the right way to get your message across to K - and that the link I gave you proves helpful.
Mary.
Ah yes the magic sentence, that would be wonderful!!!
We have an article on our site about how to talk to your child about an absent parent.....and the link to it is here.
Another thing I would suggest is getting a book like this one. It's a lovely book about families coming in every shape and size and that could be the intro you need to explain that you and he are a family even though there is no daddy around.
Meant to say thanks in advance!!!!!