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Hope everyone is ok, just need some advice about what to do with M's dad. We've been going through mediation and now that has broken down as he has been told he needs to pay for it. However we got as far as arranging that he continues to see M once a week on Tuesdays and have him once a month for an overnight stay.
The trouble is now, He has not seen M in nearly 5 weeks, ( 1 of those visits i needed to cancel but i did try and re arrange it as i was going to be in london for the rest of that week, making it easier for him to see M. He did not take up the offer.) Now he is expecting me to let M stay over night next week even though he has not seen him. He has had him once over night about 2 months ago and did not bother to have him the following month. His visits are far and few between and they do upset M especially when he stays overnight as he is not spending time with his dad, he is around everyone else, they feed him junk food and then M comes back to me with bloated tummy, and saying his Tummy hurts.
Any advice as to what i should do, I know M needs to see his dad, but his dad only wants him when its convient to him and also when he has his 1year old daughter around for a few days.
Hi Louise,
I have taken M to see a dr who confirmed he cant eat greasy food (i.e. mcdonalds, burger king, high fat fish and chips), i have mentioned this to his dad, but they still ignore it and now the problem has come where M struggles with alot of normal fatty foods, had to swap full fat, skimmed and semi skimmed milk to soya because of their insistence of giving him high fat foods.
I would love to be able to treat my son to a mcdonalds, but i know what will happen if i do.
I have given suggestions of what he can have that does not effect him, like having pasta with sauce or ham and pineapple pizza, as i know these fatty foods do not hurt him. but he keeps giving M everything he's not supposed to have. Even mediators agreed i do a list of what he can not have and give it to him so he can see for himself. Drs hope he will grow out of it but if things keep going the way they are he will not.
As for the sleeping over, it was a trial visit to see how M coped, not very well from what i was told. I understand he needs to do it and get used to it, but it was also agreed that if he can not keep up the weekly visits he should not get overnight visits as M does not have the relationship with his dad. His dad does leave him in other peoples care so he can look after his grilfriend and her kids should she need it, plus she always lands their daughter on him when its M's day with dad
So the mediators agree that dad needs a list of what foods do not agree with M. Have you done a list? If yes and he has continued to ignore you then you need to decide whether to involve a solicitor. Don't forget you can email our Legal Expert for guidance.
Apart from the food issue, whilst I totally understand how you feel, I don't think you have a lot of choice in that if it went to court it is unlikely that M's dad would be refused contact. However, the proviso is already in place about the weekly contact being established before the overnight visits, so maybe you could ask for non staying contact to continue for a bit longer?
I did give him the list the following week and again in front of the mediators. so in effect he has two copies. He does not have the funds to pay for legal help at the moment, and i spoke to my solicitor about the matter and she recommened no overnight visits until dad can prove himself with regular visits. The only problem comes when i did mention it to him he kicked up a fuss and i agreed to an ovenight visit, but he had to see M every week prior to the visit which has not happened
That is my dilema about letting M go, as he last saw his dad in the middle of April
Your son is so young that he does need these weekly meetings. I just wonder if you can say 'as per mediation, weekly contact needs to be consistent before an overnight visit'.
It's difficult with the food, but even then, this is something that has been discussed, and agreed(?) with the list given to him. If you were to send a pint of soya milk with your son, would it be used? I know that when my lot did stay with their Dad things would almost be a game which I really had to bite my tongue with at times.
So difficult.
I know that feeling, i send him on the weekly visits with a packed lunch as his dad asks me to prepare itfor him, he goes with a chocolate soya milk and a ribena but most of the food comes back as does the chocolate soya milk. Sometimes i wonder why he bothers asking me to do it and why i bother making it.
thats where i am stuck, he knows the conditions but he is playing a game and i dont know what to do as its not fair on M
No, it isn't fair...
How strongly do you feel about things? As mediation has broken down, what if you were to withdraw contact so that the matter went to Court, simply to have conditions in an Order that he would have to stick to?
I'm not saying for a second that this path should be taken, as it is a really hard route and my not work out.
I have to say that I always hoped my ex had have taken me to Court, but I think even he realised that with his father and step-mother supporting me with rubbish issues going on that he would have not changed things.
They do that through mediation now, we were doing it as part of the new scheme where the orders are made in medition rather then court. But he now claims he cannot afford the fees and is not eligible for legal aid either. My fees were through legal aid. but now if you go to court legal aid will not fund you unless its a serious family matter like abuse.
Sometimes i wish he would leave us alone completely or at the very least stop playing games with his son like this.
The other thing with him, if he does not get his way he becomes verbally abusive, thankfully i keep all the emails and texts between us, just in case, plus i keep track on the family calender when he has seen him and when he hasn't. That calender was a very good investment on my part. :)
Ah, I see.... I kept everything with The Git too.
I wish I knew what to say spanish gothic.
I have told him that he will not be having M overnight due to lack of regular visits being done, as predicted he went mad and sent a barrage of nasty texts to me. But i will be talking to lawyer again on monday about it. but now he wants to see him on tuesday instead.
His financial worries are not for me, but he knows he needs to put money aside for his visits, also he is supposed to take M for dinner each week to understand better and make his own judgements about what M can eat, as i have said he has a list of what he can not have, plus i showed him through pack lunch that M can enjoy treats and there is a lot out there that M can have.
He should be glad i'm not asking for more money due to M's increased cost of living in terms of food. Soya and free from products are not cheap.
Hi spanish gothic, it sounds as though your ex has learnt in the past that to get his won way he just needs to have a tantrum, but this time, you put your foot down and said 'no overnight contact' and he has put his tail between his legs and requested his Tuesday visit.
It sounds as though you are doing a brilliant job and you are in control. The thing to do is listen to yourself and not him. Worry about your legal position and not his. Consider your sons needs not his fathers.
He is in a great position if you are not asking for any money because as you say soya and free from products aren't cheap, he should be supporting his son financially, not playing the victim here.
Hi Anna,
Thanks for that support, it does make me feel better that i am doing whats best for my son M.
I do try to think about myself and my son's needs, but everytime i have contact with M's dad, the messages turn from being about M, to him and his needs. after his tantrum yesterday, i did tell him to stop playing games as it's not fair on M. He does pay some money to me for M, but i have a feeling he's holding back or he's told some little white lies to Child Support Agency, about how many children are in his care. I am grateful for my parents who still help me out with the big shop every month in which i try to get as much stuff for M as possible.
Hi spanish gothic you are doing a great job, your lucky you have the extra support from your parents.
Hope you get this sorted soon.
Thanks Sally W
Hello SG, well done to you for persisting with this and trying to find a way forward.
There seem to be two issues here: one is that M has not stayd over with his dad for a while, well on that count, he has to re-start sometime and the longer you leave it, the more difficult it may become.....so maybe that has to go ahead. However, if they are in the habit of feeding him junk food then it upsets his tum, I myself would have some concerns about that, he is too small to tell his dad and family that he does not usually eat that stuff. However, the more you seem to "control" what he eats, I suspect they might be a bit more likely to do it? So can you choose one food or type of food that seems not to agree with him and say that he has had some upsets and THE DOCTOR has said not to give him X. Obviously you can't reel off a long list but maybe it is crisps or greasy food, just one thing?