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Hi guys,
Its my first time on the site and in desperate need of advice....
I have recently seperated from my husband after a period of two years of abuse emotionally and at times physically. None of that matters really now as I know I did the right thing by finally leaving-eventhough its hard-I loved him dearly, and thats just it-eventhough you love that person but knowing you have to walk away.
I'm dealing with the emotional side of things. The real problem is the custody battle and I hope to get some advice. As it stands we are back and forth to court,he wants full custody and wants our 2year old daughter to reside with him and his extended family and I want my daughter to reside with me. He claims I am mentally ill and have made allegations that I have an erractic behaviour and have attemped suicide in the past which is all bullocks with a capital b. Despite a child reporter and all kinds of professionals who have been involved in our case giving positive complements of how well I take care of my child he still insists I am an 'unfit' mother
Anyway, so far we are now trying to reach an agreement through our lawyers. Where I stand is I have been open to him having contact with our daughter , afterall I do believe that every child should have a relationship with both parents, it would be selfish of me to deny my daughter that, I know he loves her and she loves him but however I do want this under the right conditions as my child's wellbeing is my number one priority.
I have always provided for my daughter and worked to provide for her with my own wage. Even in the marraige I felt like a single parent. Since seperating he has payed child support once and then tried to have the agency call to say he wants to pay directly to my account which ofcourse I refused as I know he just want to gain back control of me. Now he has not payed child support last month (I had to stop working at the point of seperation in fear of intimidation from him and his family).
This is extremely upsetting because the child tax credits are still pending and social services have stopped supporting us because he had started paying child support, now that he is not paying the little income support I am getting and very little child benefit is not enough, so I had to turn to my family for help.
He claims he wants to have the child two nights a week but this ofcourse I know he only wants to reduce the amount he has to pay.
We have a final hearing soon. Can the fact that he has not payed child support influence the court's decision on preventing him to have shared custody?
Also my child has not been happy at his family home and there was an investigation going on on possible abuse to my child but the results where inconclusive. I also fear for my child's emotional wellbeing around his extented family esp his big brother who have made some awful comments about my daughter and can't imagine the things they will all say about me to my child which I fear will be hurtful to her.
My lawyer wants me to decide on his proposal of unsupervised contact and two nights overnight at his family home. The report from the child's reporter recommendet to the court one a week two hour contact away from his family home and supervised until the family mediation centre is available.
I strongly want to stand my ground and my laywer is waiting on my instructions early this week.....help!
Sorry for the LONG read,..im just scared and confussed don't know how to get my head around this. Any feedback will be much appreciated.
Hi, and thank you so much for your reply and advice 
Yeah, you must have read my mind. I equally feel that I should tell my lawyer to push for the reporter's recommedation. He can have supervised visits until the family mediation centre is available which will be in September and he can then have unsupervised visits there, which to my understanding is a nutral place and I don't have to see him! But he can continue to build a relationship with his daughter.
My thing with the child support thing is that it to me shows lack of commitment,(not that I care about his money) as I have previously said I have always been a provider for my child and started working while she was young so I could provide for her and she has never gone without anything. I know I am capable of proving for my daughter and I am and will always be a strong constant and support in her life.
I feel I should be granted sole custody as all he contributes is just that - being a father and always lacked providing for her in all other areas. He refused to help me with childcare and told me its tooo expensive when I suggested we put our child in nursery for a couple of days a week while we were married.
Also I do not want him taking our child to his family home or to his extended family as I fear for her emotional wellbeing. They say a lot of racist and mean things about me and his big brother has made it clear in the presence of my child when she was a few weeks old that 'his' child is 'number one in that house' , he has also made comments about my child being 'ugly' which makes everyone that hears this gasp because my child is a beaut and blessing in every way. She is a little girl and I refuse to have her in an environment that will crush her confidence and break her self esteem-she is only 2yrs old and don't deserve this-no child in this world does!
I pray the court will be on my side with this one -preventing contact with his extended family. The only thing I support is the contact between my child and her biological father thats it. Why is it that the family should be involved ,?especially when it will have a negetaive impact on my child's phsycological and emotional wellbeing. Also hearing them say bad things about her mummy will hurt her, which is why despite the 'resentment' I feel for her dad as a person for what hes put me through, I never say a bad word about him infront of her and nor do I allow to let what I feel affect her, and trust me I have a very long hard journey through recovery and confronting the scars and emotions he has inflicted through the abuse.
I do hope the court will respect my request regarding the 'family thing' as I they are all making a fuss that they want to see my daughter but I know its not because they 'love' her, its only to have control over me( the family where also always verbally abusive towards me when I would try and speak up about my husband's abuse) I was told to 'respect' him at 'all' times.
This all still feels like a nightmare,..I wish it was. We always think that the leaving part is easy, but I've learnt, it is the 'healing' part/or the 'after leaving' part that's just so damn hard, but deeply necessary to be fully concious of the experience.
I have noticed in one of the forums that someone asked what now-after leaving??...and I say the freedom,..the smile through my pain(actually being able to smile again just makes it all worthwhile! :) and one day I know I'll wake up and that awfully painful wound in my heart and head will be nothing but just a mark that will signify the experience and lessons I learnt from it.
For me, freedom is a day going by where I am not called any hurtful names.....so far its been 62 days and I'm still counting,growing and healing
To every woman going through pain or any hurtful situation I just want to say...God gave us all the 'strength' to survive. It takes indeed a lot to overcome certain things life throws at us, but the beauty is just being a 'woman' means you 'can' as hard as it is find that strength to get through it all and still keep growing and 'love' again, even if its just loving the greatest love of your life-yourself!!
I say chin up!,to all the girls! :0) xxxx
Hi Mamabee and welcome from me too!
It sounds as though you are still able to hold your head up, even though a lot of people are trying to bring you down.
I like what you say that you know that one day this will all be in the past and will only be a mark that signify's experiences and lessons learnt.
In the meantime though it is tiring and emotionally draining, I went through a very similar sitatuation to yourself. Do you have friends and your own family supporting you?
Hi Anna, and much thanks for the welcome
I am glad you can relate with my situation, tho I am not happy that you had to go through it-it really sucks :( But I hope you are good now.
Yeah, it is rather emotionally draining-today I feel extremely exhausted both physically and emotionally, but I did manage to have a meeting with the family mediation centre and have decided to take that route and continue the supervised contact until September when the family mediation will be available-good thing is that I wont have to see him which is just what I need. I know the time will eventually come that we have to deal with things one on one. Do you or does anyone know how long the contact at family mediation goes on for or what the judge's ruling is in regards to that roughly?,..it terms of what sort of period ,weeks,..months? Either way, I need the time to 'gear' up emotionally, now is just not a good time-he will just bully me and I am not ever allowing myself to go thru that ever, not by him,not by anyone.
No I don't have any friends here( I was never allowed to),..hence I'm here on the site 
! But I am getting support through a woman's organisation and they have been wonderful, but you know its always kinda formal and I understand ,its their job and I am sure they have to abide by certain standards with clients.
I do however also have a very strong support system with my family and close friends back home, we talk everyday, they are a strong support system emotionaly, especially my cousin who Ive always been very close to. It just awful cause they are not physically here and I can't take my daughter out the UK until she is a certain age, but atleast my aunt and cousin travel to England from time to time for work, so we get to see each other once in a while
I just wish this case was over!
.............but,for my baby girl I have to keep on moving...........this too shall pass.
For now,my second therapy trick is music on and dance dance dance (not that I can) hahaha!, but yea, atleast it makes me have a good chuckle at myself and makes my little girl roll with laughter-which I love! I just want her happy more than anything in this life.
Wish you a great night!!X
Hi Mamabee, it sounds as though you have some good tricks up your sleeve to help you feel better when things are tough. I am also glad to hear that you have a womens organisation supporting you too, this can be so important.
When you ask the question "How long does the contact at family mediation go on for" Of course these things vary from case to case. In my situation, my daughter attended the contact centre for 3 months before it was decided he could pick her up from my door and have her for the day. Within a few weeks he decided he wanted overnight contact and there was little I could do. So please be assertive and stick to your guns with what you want.
Protect your little girl, yes it is good for her to know her father, but not to her own detriment. My daughter is now 18 and she has been through some difficult times, but we are good now thank you and you will get there too, just stick to your guns
I am glad to read that you are in daily contact with family and friends back home and you find them supportive. Now pump up the music and dance!!
Hello Mamabee and welcome
Sorry to hear what you have been through.
Child support and parenting time with that child are two completely separate matters in law and should not influence the court's decision
I would be inclined to go along with the reporter's recommendation to the court. I do understand that you are trying to find something that will "satisfy" him and end the legal action but as a sweeping generalisation, I have noticed that courts tend to try to facilitate contact where at all possible whereas this reporter is saying mediation is needed so they must have very good grounds for this.....Another thing I have seen happening is that a court may lay down a minimum number of mediation sessions and I have often wondered if this is with the thought that regular attendance at mediation demonstrates a parent's commitment to obtaining parenting time with their child.
However, I am not you, and I am not a lawyer. Surely your solicitor has a recommendation for you? You can seek a second legal opinion from our own Legal Expert by clicking here