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Hi all,
I got divorced earlier this year.
My ex was abusive (emotionally and financially).
My daughter is beginning to show signs of mental illness and I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience? I'm expecting to get her referred to a psychiatrist soon.
Hi englishrose
When my daughter was small and had encountered aggressive, violent and abusive behaviour from my ex, I too was worried about her mental wellbeing.
We went to a child pschologist, who actually spent the whole time talking with me, which annoyed me (!) anyway, since then I have found the notes that I had written for them. Interestingly for me (this was over 10 years ago now) I can read my insecurities and over protective issues into it and noticed how panicked I was that all this would have a huge effect on my daughters wellbeing.
As it turned out, I ended up going to counselling and attended a few parenting classes and my daughter turned out fine and so did I! I think because I had lived through 7 years of heightened emotional anxiety, I picked up on everything that upset/disturbed/rocked her - when probably a lot of it was just normal childrens behaviour!
I am not dismissing what you are saying at all and if you are concerned, you must definitely contact your doctor, I just wanted to share how my lack of confidence in myself and my parenting abilities, due to being questioned over everything I did, overshadowed the reality of the situation.
So do reach out for help wherever you can, not just for your daughter, but for yourself too.
Please share what signs you are seeing with your daughter, that are concerning you :)
Hi,
My daughter is four and she was three when I separated from ex. He was not violent or physically agressive towards me but he was abusive in other ways - manipulative, controlling and very rarely did any childcare for our daughter and did not spend much time with her on a daily basis maybe 5mins bedtime story at the most some days nothing.
Ex has a history of mental illness, he is a compulsive liar, he has a criminal record.
My daughter is disobedient and is violent towards me and my mum. She gave me a nose bleed a couple of weeks ago by hitting me in the face with her cuddly toy, hmm not so cuddly. The health visitor agrees with me that I have done all I can and the next step is visit to G.P. to hopefully get a referral to the psychiatrist, so it's not just me that thinks her behaviour is extreme, but my mum and health visitor have said they agree with me.
The things my daughter does on a daily basis and maybe for an hour or two at a time are, hitting, kicking, biting, pinching, scratching, headbutting, punching, throwing objects or using objects to hit me with, pulling my hair and my clothes.
I have been told to walk away, this is unsuccessful as she follows me wherever i go, if i lock myself in the bathroom she kicks the door so i have to open it or neighbours will complain about the noise. I sit on my bed under the duvet where she can hurt me the least as it doesn't hurt if she hits me when I'm covered with duvet...what a sad life.. she refuses to go to bed until she is exhausted about 9 or 10pm at night i usually get a battering for an hour or two before she goes to bed.
The behaviour has gotten a lot worse since ex got a new partner, maybe a coincidence...who knows.
How awful for you! I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.
My oldest went through a phase of hitting - nothing like what you're dealing with though - and my Mum would get hold of him and physically make him hit the settee. He'd hit it until he was shattered, but he did 'just' hit the settee.
No idea what started it, and it did stop. I've not had that with my other three.
I hope your GP is able to urgently refer your daughter for an assessment.
Thanks...will update the thread with any developments..
Hello englishrose
How absolutely exhausting for you, not to mention upsetting.
Your little daughter is angry, she is furious at the world and is taking it out on the one person she trusts not to walk away as a consequence: you. It will indeed have been made worse by her dad getting a new partner. The reason it seems so extreme is that this anger is "usually" seen in older children, who can also verbalise it, but it is hard for her with the more limited vocabulary and emotional development of a four year old. What she really wants to say is "I feel so frightened that mummy and daddy have split up and now I know it is not temporary because there is another lady with daddy. I wonder if my mummy will leave me too? I will be really horrid to her, over and over, because I need to prove to myself time and again that whatever I do, my mum will not leave me"
By all means speak to your GP but she does not sound mentally ill to me (i know that must be a fear for you if her dad has mental health issues) Do you talk to her about her behaviour at times she is calm? What other things have you tried? Sparkling's suggestion is a good one: "It is Ok to hit a cushion, it is NOT ok to hit a person" Does she overhear you talking about her dad to your friends, your mum? If so, time to stop this NOW. Lots and lots of reassurance is needed: "You are Mummy's lovely girl, I will always be here" time and time again.
Make a behaviour chart a bit further down the line but the first thing to do is lavish lost of love on her.....and don't forget to praise praise praise the slightest good behaviour :"Well done, you did eat your breakfast nicely" "You have got your socks on, that's brilliant, you are a clever girl" "Let's have a look at your picture, that looks fantastic, tell me all about it". You have been through so much yourself, englishrose that it will be hard to do this on a regular basis but do give it a try. Make sure your mum is on board with it as well.
I have some more suggestions for you once the severity of this pattern has been broken but this is a tall enough order to be going on with. Good luck
Hi englishrose
Thanks for sharing all this. It sounds like behaviour that is extreme and you now need to find the way to handle it.
"hitting, kicking, biting, pinching, scratching, headbutting, punching, throwing objects or using objects to hit me with, pulling my hair and my clothes."
Oh I recognise that behaviour! It can be very upsetting, but however hard it is, it is extremely important that you show her, even when she is doing all of this, that you are in control of the situation, not frightened, panicked or unsure of what to do next.
What I learnt to do (through the psycologist) was to wrap my arms around my daughter and hold her and squeezing her gently but firmly, so she couldn't go anywhere until she had calmed down. It was exhausting and sometimes we would sit on her bedroom floor for sometimes 40mins while she wriggled around trying to lash out and I would have tears rolling down my cheeks. It was hard, BUT it meant that she couldn't damage anything, she couldn't hurt me, I didn't shout at her (I was completely silent) and I didn't lock myself away. It gave me back the control of the situation.
When she calmed down I would say to her, it is not ok to hit mummy or throw things, or whatever it was that she had been up to and she needed to apologise, then we would go and do something together, watch her favourite video, cook together or just play. To be honest I don't remember how long it took for her behaviour to change (weeks/months) but it did and it never reverted back. I think she learnt that she could trust me and that I wouldn't hurt her.
Another thing that really helped was spending Special Time with her, I was so unaware how wrapped up I was in the household chores, dealing with ex, courts etc etc that I spent very little time enjoying her.
I know she doesn't seem like it, but she is still so very young and small and vulnerable and needs to know you will protect, nourish, love and have fun with her, regardless of her behaviour, but remember she also needs to learn that you WILL discipline her if necessary, children need and want those boundaries.
See if any of these techniques work and let us know
Thank you all for your replies they are very helpful. I've been away at my mum's for half-term (with no internet access) so this has been my first opportunity to get online. Well by some miracle my little one has gone to bed tonight and stayed there and she fell asleep at 7.45pm. I have been keeping a diary record of her sleep pattern since the 1 May and this is the first time she has stayed in bed and slept at a proper bedtime since I started keeping a record. I will be giving her lots of praise in the morning for staying in bed!! I have been making an effort to have "special time" during half-term and since we got home - I try to get as much housework done in the morning while she is at nursery then we have more opportunity to do things together in the afternoon. She does still have her moments of aggression but the length of time she is violent seems to have shortened and tonight no aggression before bed - amazing! I will post again with any new developments but thanks again for all the advice it's much appreciated. x x
Long may it continue!
Have you had a nice break at your Mum's?
Hi englishrose, sounds like the steps you are making ARE making a difference. I hope that you begin to feel more empowered to step in and nip things in the bud, when you see that she might be beginning to lose control.
Another thing that worked really well for me was to change the subject as soon as I could see my daughter getting fractious.....sometimes just by going 'oh mi god! have a look at that bird (and point out of the window) she would stop mid flow and try and see what I was looking at. Or 'oh I was going to look for that book that you love, now we are in your bedroom' then move away from her and squirrel around looking for something random, often she would then join in and help me.
I imagine it was easier 'enjoying' your daughter whilst you were at your mums, as there was someone to talk to and share her with. So do keep Special Time going as you both will really reap the rewards. Even now my daughter is 16, when she gets particularly moody/grumpy and non conversational, it is usually when we haven't spent any quality time together, I have just been getting on with life.
Do you enjoy spending special time with your daughter? Some people do find it difficult, I certainly did at first.
Oh and remember when your daughter does have an outburst and then calms down, praise her straight away for calming down. Or doing a good job of wiping her tears away, or for not getting completely carried away, whatever suits the situaton.
lovely break at half-term, much easier having an ally on my side and someone to have adult conversation with!!
I have to force a smile and try and be happy when we have special time. She does tend to spoil things, whatever it is we are doing she finds a way to ruin it but I expect it is all part and parcel of her emotional upset, I try not to show my disappointment but just let it go..
Tonight she has not stayed in bed so back to the same old problems..last night was a one off. <sigh>
Never mind, Rome wasn't built in a day. Special Time can be a bit of a strain at first (I used to pretend I was in a film or a play) but it does get easier, it is consistency that will help her feel more secure and calm down.
Anna has some realy useful comments to help you (above) as she has been through it herself
Hi englishrose,
It sounds as though half term was great, just having someone else around can make life a bit easier hey? Don't worry we are going to get you through this time.
Its hard isn't it, when you are feeling forced into being happy, interesting and playful and don't want to, this can actually make us feel a little resentful too, careful though as our little cherubs pick up on everything, if you are getting cheesed off, like Louise's idea, pretend to be someone else, a nursery carer, a nanny, a 1950's movie mother!
Have you ever considered counselling for yourself? It really sounds as though you aren't feeling brilliant in yourself at the moment? I would highly recommend it, as once you feel like you can enjoy life again and the world is yours for the taking, your relationship with your daughter and life in general will shift.
Would you consider it?
Hello - things are going well - I printed off some reward charts that I found on the web - I made up some easy tasks of things that she does anyway (tidy away toys/help mummy with laundry/help mummy with shopping) and of course I included going to bed when mummy asks and staying in bed all night.
Since we put up the charts on Saturday - she has completed both the bedtime tasks for three consecutive nights !! Hooray !! On Saturday I sent her to bed at 10 (yes I know it's too late but she had had a lie in in the morning so the whole day was off schedule and I thought she was more likely to comply with the task and get her reward chart filled in if it was nearer the time she usually falls asleep) Last night I sent her to bed at 8.40 and she was asleep in 5 minutes! Tonight I sent her to bed at 8.30 and again she was asleep within 5 mins. I will gradually try to bring the bedtime back to 8pm as that is probably realistic for her.
I have been praising her lots more each day - I'm beginning to get the hang of catching her when she is good and praising her - it's having an effect already.
Thanks all for your help xxx
English rose you are doing fantastically! It is really, really hard to put these changes in, hopefully the praise one will almost beocme a "habit" in time.
With the bedtimes you are doing the right thing, start with a time that you know you have a decent chance of her going to sleep and then gradually sneak it forward heh heh.
Keep up the good work and give yourself a big shedload of PRAISE too! 
Hooray, hooray, hooray, three cheers for you. It's not easy, englishrose, but it soundds as though you are taking back some control and feeling more 'mummy'! Well done you and your daughter.
Is your daughter getting a reward at the end of her rreward chart or are the stars reward enough.
I am so pleased to read your post, keep up the good work, remember to praise and spend special time with yourself too, you deserve it :)
Hello english rose
I am sorry for everything you and your daughter have been through.
You say that your daughter is showing signs of mental illness, it looks from my records as if your daughter is quite small, could I ask what these "signs" are?