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Hi everyone
I've got a funny feeling that this is gonna be a rather long post, so I'm very sorry.
I split from my partner in December we was together for 5 years, we have a 4 year old son together as well as a mortgage. A couple of weeks after we split I suggested that we put the house on the market because I didn't want the house and wished to draw a line under everything. He got very angry at me and grabbed me by the throat and refused to let us out of the house for 1 hour (my son witnessed all this). This is not the first time that he has touche me in that way, he has grabbed me by the throat against a wall several times and smashed my head against a wall while we was together. As daft as this sounds is that domestic violence? i don't really have any friends anymore as he discouraged them at the beggining of our relationship and tried to stop me seeing my family as much. He would call me horrible names during arguments but the term domestic violence sounds so dramatic. He has mental health issues.
A few weeks ago he told me that he was seeing someone else, and then introduced our son to this woman who he had only been seeing for 1 week without saying anything to me. he brought my son back 2 hours late and switched his phone off so I was calling hospitals because I thought that there had been an accident of some sort. Before this I was taking my son around to see him 3 times a week (my ex doesn't drive) and he was sleeping there once a week.
I forgave him under the condition that until the relationship was more established my son didn't see the girlfriend. I picked my son up after a sleepover and discovered that the girlfriend had slept round, as her 18 month old daughter opened the door in her pyjamas with my ex at 9 in the morning. My son later asked me why Daddys new friend was sleeping in mummys old bed. That same day i went back to the house to get my car insurance papers and the whole house stank of cannabis and there was cannabis on the mantlepiece along with a pipe (my son is tall enough to reach the mantlepiece). My ex admitted to his sister that he and the gf spent the night getting stoned. I told my ex that he would only be allowed supervised access from then on as I don't think that my son is safe there (emtionally, physically or mentally). My ex is now sayin that I stopped contact beacuse I am jealous. He has been rantin on the phone to his sister sayin that he wants to batter the f**k out of me. He has also been agressive to collegues at work and threanted to fight people (we both work at a Tesco store as does the gf) they have basically just been ignoring it and saying that he is under a lot of stress adn have dismissed all of my worries about his mental state.
I have no clue what to do now, I wrote him a letter saying that I would only allow supervised acess and why. The letter was in no way emotive (my exs mum helped me write it, she doesn't speak to him anymore but I am quite close to her and the rest of his family because I don't want to stop them seeing my son). He then threatened me with court. I feel like I'm losing it, I can't go anywhere alone because everybody fears for my safety (his family and mine) I have to have my phone on me all the time as does everybody else. At times I think I'm being very dramatic and keep doubting everything that I do, am I right in what I'm doing?
I am keeping a diary of everyting that is happening.
I'm really sorry I just relised how long this is.
Any advice would be greatly appricated.
Thanks
CO734
Hi co734, read this and just had 2 reply seems like u r really goin thru it at the moment. To your question about domestic violence- yes that definatley is domestic violence! Any type of physical assault on yourself is unacceptable and especially infront of your son. I think u r completely right to only allow supervised access if drug taking is taking place, and he is threatening u with court to try to scare u, but believe me it's better than having to put up with his controlling behaviour. I have been thru some similar (although not quite so bad) situations with my ex but u have 2 stop letting him control u in this way. do what u think is right for u and your son, and if this means stopping access until he can prove he is fit to look after him then so be it. have u sought legal advice? there are lots of people who offer advice for free like citezens advise regarding mortgage and divorce etc. I'm sorry i cant b of more help but hope that some moral suppot will b abit of encouragement for u.
Hi co734, welcome to one space
In answer to your question, YES it is domestic violence and you NEVER have to put up with it. Please have a look at the link below and even though the relationship is over, I wonder if you would benefit from talking to someone about what happened
You will find lots of advice on there, please do give them a call, they wont do anything you are not 100% comfortable with but can if you want it offer lots of support to you and your son xxx
Can you discuss the work related bullying with a manager at work? Is there a designated person to deal with staffs problems, there should be.
Have you involved the Police at any points? If not then maybe you would like to consider that too, they will also have designated officers who deal with domestic violence, and that he is making threats be that directly or indirectly isnt right and has to stop!!!!!!!!
Do you have a solicitor? If not then please consider getting one.
You are right to make sure that your son is in a safe envoironment at all times so yes supervised access would seem to be the only way, is there someone willing to do this for you and your son?
YOU are NOT being dramatic at at all, you NEED to be very careful. PLEASE do keep your phone with you at all times and let people know where you are going an what time you should be home, that way if you are not they will alert people quickly.
The diary is really important, well done for thinking of it and keep writing in it, even the small things matter.
I have been where you are today a good few years ago now, I completely understand everything you have written. What I can tell you is, it does get better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE do call womens aid and the Police, they will help you!!!!!!!!!
Everyone on one space is friendly and will all support you in the "virtual" sense so please do keep posting, someone will always reply to you
I am sending you a great big hug, I think you could do with one xxx Thinking of you
Call the building society or bank who the mortgage is with and make them aware of the situation, always best to do that, they may be able to offer a holiday period on the mortgage, a little breathing space whilst you can sort things out xxx
Co734
Hello and a big welcome to you, thank you for sharing your story.
I would endorse what the others have said...YES it is domestic violence. You say that the physical violence has not been extensive, but ANY violence is unacceptable, and your little son has had to witness that. There are other forms of domestic abuse too, and the way he has isolated you from friends and family constitutes mental abuse. I am sorry to hear that he has mental health issues (these won't be helped by cannabis use, of course!) but the bottom line is you have to protect yourself and your son. You have done thr right thing stopping contact for a while, certainly while the drug use is going on.
Ok so you have been given the link to women's aid and also encouraged to go to the police., both of these things are important. I would also say it is vital for you to get legal advice, see here for how find a solicitor. Also you are right to be concerned about the financial side of things. Have you started claiming Working Tax Credit as a single person? The number to call is 0845 300 3900. Also please do email our specialist and confidential 1-2-1 Money Advice Service so that you can get advice on what to do regarding the mortgage.
Sorry that is a long list, but hey it is really important that you move forward now. We have a great section on here about domestic abuse, have a look here. You will probably recognise lots of the things that are discussed and I hope that will give you some reassurance.There is a fantanstic course called the Freedom Programme to read about too.
Stay with us, there is lots of support here
Hi co734, NO you are NOT being dramatic.
Nice to 'meet' you. It sounds as though you are doing all the right things, keeping a diary, trying to protect your son etc.
This is not an easy time for you and everyone above has said exactly what I would say, but I just to repeat it again as it is soo important you deal with this right now.
1. Call Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247 and find local help, often you will get support from an outreach worker who can help you with all of the following:
2. Contact a local family solicitor from Community Family Legal Advice
3. Find a local Freedom Programme, this will help you understand what is going on for you, your son and also your ex and his behaviour and also get support from a professional and others facing similar situations.
4. Talk to your manager at work and express your concerns.
5. If he threatens to do anything to you, comes to your house and you don't want to see him and he won't leave, in fact ANYTHING you are not happy with and feel unsafe please the police.
Oh and re: the mortgage, contact our1-2-1 Money Advice, they have supported single parents for over 30 years and will be empathetic with your situation and tell you the best way forward.
When my daughter was smaller, I had lots of similar concerns with my ex, I stopped contact and my solicitor sent a letter telling him so. He went nuts and threatened all sorts including Court and killing me and my daughter and even went on to threaten my mum. It was not a nice time, however try and take one day at a time, find as much support as you can, it will help you feel empowered.
1 in 4 women experience domestic violence in this country and it is still quite a taboo subject, just know that you are not alone, we are here to see you through this.
You are doing everything right, keep going, you are not being dramatic, part of an abusers plan is to make his victim unsure of themselves. You will conquer this.
Is your son in school at the moment? Do you see your ex at work? How is your studying going?
Thanks everyone, it felt fantastic to read everyones messages and know that I am not alone.
It was really weird reading all the information on domestic violence, it was like a checklist for his behaviour. I have ordered Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven and am going to contact the Freedon programme.
I did offer him supervised contact. My parents (who have been brillant) offered to meet him at a local park with my son for an hour, but he refused and said that he will 'not submit to my terms and conditions'. How likely is it if we do have to go to court that he will be granted unsupervised access?
I have tried to talk to my manager about my concerns but he has basically dismissed them and said that there is nothing he can do. My manager was one of the people that my ex has threatened and shouted and swore at. My manager told me (off the record) that there have been 3 incidents in which my ex has basically flipped out at a collegue but nothing has been done because he is 'under a lot of stress and pressure' and that excuses it. He is not at work at the moment, he walked out after the incident with my manager and has basically been told to return when he wants to. We have a personal manager but everything I have been told by my manager was told in confidence, I believe that he will denie all of it.
My son is at nursery, I have told them everything that is happening. They have told me that legally there is nothing they can do if he tried to take my son from there but that they wouldn't recognise him (he never picked him up before) so they wouldn't let him go anyway.
My studying isn't going too well because Im really struggling to concentrate. The whole situation is constantly in my head, I can't get it out of my head, which then makes me start to believe him when he tells me that I'm jealous, sad and have no life of my own.
Again thanks for all your replies, it is really uplifting to read them. x
Hi co734, so glad to see you are gaining some strength from a little support from people on here xxx
How are you feeling tonight? xxx
Please have a read of this, it was posted by another person on here and I think it is so good. Can you identify with any/all of MR Wrong? xxx
Mr Wrong
Hello co734
It is amazing how many people say that when they read the items about Living with the Dominator it reads like a checklist. More proof that you are not alone!
Is there any way you can defer your studies until things are more stable?
You may well have to just wait and see on the work front. Whatever you are being told, it sounds as if he has not done himself any favours.
As for the unsupervised access issue, that is why you must get legal advice. Don't hold back in telling the solicitor about the violence and the drug use. I remember during my divorce, when the solicitor asked me to say everything about my marriage that may be grounds for divorce, I said to her please only use the minimum neccessary...even then I was trying to spare his feelings!!!! whereas what mattered most was the children and me. So please learn by my experience.
What are you up to this weekend?
Hi co734, how are you? xxx
Hi co734, great to hear you have ordered the Living with the Dominator book and finding a programme, it is such an empowering experience - hard at times, but also very positive.
tiredmum, you should find one near you, I think you would make a brilliant facilitator :)
co734 thought you might be interested in some of the discussions in the Relationships and You Discussion thread.
You ask how likely it is that your ex will get unsupervised access, this will all depend on the Judge, so you must get some good legal assistance.
Although your manager has told you a couple of things off the record regarding your ex, they really have to stay impartial and must retain confidentiality.
I remember when no one around me seemed to think my ex had behaved as badly as I thought. I even questioned his friends as to why they were still his friend if they know he hits women.....their response 'you know what he is like'!!! I can laugh now, but I don't respect any man that hits women, or defends friends that do. So as hard as it may seem right now, don't think that his actions aren't going un-noticed.
Louise makes a good point, can you defer your course?
Hi everyone.
Thanks for that list Tiredmum, I could not believe that I could identify with 13 of the Mr Wrong things and 2 of the Mr Right things. It amazing how long it takes for my eyes to keep on opening up to what he is like and exactly what was happening in my life. I just accepted it as normal, even though my parents are still together and have a fantastic, loving relationship. I had a fantastic weekend thanks, my parents recently got a blow up hot tub, so I spent most of Saturday night in it with my mum and sisters and a couple of bottles of wine. The perfect way to relax after a day at work .
Louise: I have considered defering my studies but I have to complete a law degree in 6 years or less or I'm not able to go on to become a solictor (it is just one of the silly requirements). I have gone back to my solictor but there is a legal aid technocality that means I have to wait a month, or until I get a snotty letter from his solictor ( not sure if he would actually do it, its not really his style).
Work have basically told him that he can go on sick pay and come back when he wants. It is alot easier if he is not there, although he has been telling a lot of people that I have stopped him seeing my son because I am jealous because he has a new gf. I actually had someone come up to me and ask why I was doing that 
. The gf come up to my son and I while we were shopping (it was the first time I had seen her so I didn't know who she was when she started to speak to my son) she told my son that he would go round Daddys house to play with her, her daughter and my ex very soon. I was fuming and had to leave my shopping and walk out of the shop as my son was so upset that it upset me too, he also started telling me off because he now believes that I won't let him see his daddy. Any ideas on the best way to deal with that? I have now decided to shop at Asda (she was meant to be working at the time).
On to the positive though, I have finally found the perfect house to rent. It is the perfect size, right cost and in the perfect place. I move in a couple of weeks, I am not going to let him know that we have moved. Plus I just finshed watching The Kings speech and ogling Colin Firth.
Thank you for your support everyone, it means a lot. xxx
Ho co734, I`m coming to your mum and dads lol
I want you to re read your 1st post on here and then read the one you have just written, you are gaining your confidence and its so good to read that!!!!!!!!!!
So happy for you about the house, well done and good luck with the move, a fresh start for your new and better life!!!!!!!
Colin Firth oh yes he does have the xfactor doesnt he ha ha xxx
Please keep letting us know how you are getting on.
Stay positive, you are doing great xxx
co734, if you ever fancy just a chat then there is a chat bit towards the bottom of the page of threads, its where we have a good old whinge and a moan about our day, would be lovely to see you there too xxx
I always think age appropriate honesty is best with children, dont make it too heavy but be honest with your son, explain in language that he will understand that mummy and daddy do both love him but that daddy has been a little poorly and that you are hoping that daddy will get better so that he can see you again soon. That way you are not making false promises, I really do think you should get some legal advise to sort out the access or supervised contact at a contact centre, that might be a good way to go? xxx
I`m off to bed now, lovely to know you are doing so well, please do stay with one space, we are all right behind you. Hope to chat soon, goodnight xxx
Hi co734
Great to hear that you are doing some nice things for you and the house move sounds a really positive development.
Tiredmum has made a good suggestion about what to tell your boy. I am astounded that someone has had the cheek to come up to you and ask why you are stopping access. Could you prepare a stock reponse to questions like that? Something like "What you have heard is wrong and I have been advised by my solicitor not to discuss it with anyone" If they persist, you just repeat the phrase CALMLY (I know you would really like to say "it is none of your **** business!" 
)
Thinking about the end of an abusive relationship is always an upsetting time, often we do not realise we have been abused until someone else shows us the way. For me, it was when I went on a Women's Aid course, as a worker....and they went into all the different things that could happen and the types of abuse and I was shocked to the core to realise the ways my marriage (already behind me then) had been abusive. So it hits all of us in different ways....and I know what you mean about us accepting it as "normal".
Ok re your course, I understand now.
It is really important for you to go easy on yourself right now, there is a lot of upheaval in your life and a house move in the offing, so one step at a time. Keep us up to date with what is going on, and we are here to support you.
Hi co734, I thought it sounded a bit naughty of the girlfriend to approach your son and start talking to him without introducing herself to you first, well done for eaving the shopping and getting outta there before blowing!
One thing to remember is that a leopard very rarely changes their spots, so this new girlfriend has probably been fed all sorts of rubbish about you, but in time he will start treating her the same way as he did you, some of us want to go and warn her, whereas others won't believe it, but in my experience, unfortunately things will rarely be different.
tiredmum and Louise both had some good ideas for dealing with outsiders and your son. Another way to keep communication open is to every few days, mention daddy, say, I wonder if he is feeling better, or daddy loves the sunshine, I wonder if he is enjoying it today. This will show that you have no animosity towards dad (not that he knows what this means!), but that his father is an open topic of conversation without any hidden agendas.
How is your son? Has he accepted that he will see his dad soon and you are not stopping contact?
Hi Anna, I will look into the facilitator possibilities, hadnt thought of it before to be honest, thank you xxx
Hi everyone
Not a fantastic day today, shame because it did start so well. My son and I went shopping at Tesco and we saw the gf but she didn't see us as I walked in the other direction. My son then started asking why I won't let him see daddy, he got quite upset and told me I'm naughty because I won't let him see daddy and cause I argue with daddy, also as I hit daddy. I'm not sure where that came from. I don't think I shop at Tesco anymore, shame because of the staff discount
Only thing is it then means that I can't stop thining about it and him, it drives me crazy.
Should be moving into new house in a couple of weeks and I managered to put up my sons new bed, yay go me!
Hi everyone
Not a fantastic day today, shame because it did start so well. My son and I went shopping at Tesco and we saw the gf but she didn't see us as I walked in the other direction. My son then started asking why I won't let him see daddy, he got quite upset and told me I'm naughty because I won't let him see daddy and cause I argue with daddy, also as I hit daddy. I'm not sure where that came from. I don't think I shop at Tesco anymore, shame because of the staff discount
Only thing is it then means that I can't stop thining about it and him, it drives me crazy.
Should be moving into new house in a couple of weeks and I managered to put up my sons new bed, yay go me!
Hi co734. Welcome along from me too Just want to say a big well done for getting out of such a bad relationship. Things will gradually settle down for your son as well as you.
YAY for you in putting the bed together. Does your son like it?
Hi Hazeleyes
Yeah he loves it thanks, I think its the first time since xmas eve that he can't wait to go to bed. It a toy story bed
So, just a thought, but when the bed stops working in getting him to bed early, what's your next plan, hehehe.
Hi co734, well done at putting the bed up xxx
One question, do you know the new girlfriend, that is have you spoken to her prior to knowing she is the new gf? I`m just wondering if she could become an ally rather than enemy? I know that sounds really strange but it could make a huge difference to your son in the longer term. It just struck me that as she did approach your son in the supermarket maybe her intentions are good ones and she does genuinally want to do her best when your son visits, possibly why she did stay over so that she could oversee things? Just playing devils advocate xxx
There is a lot in what you say, tired mum
As for your son, co734, if you keep giving him the positive messages about daddy that Anna suggested, it will help. He has got the thing about you "hitting daddy" from somewhere, that is worrying. Try to stay calm and not get upset. Your son needs one calm and focused parent!Tell him you would never hit daddy because hitting is wrong and he will be able to see daddy when daddy is better.
You have done very well with your DIY, hooray.
Hi everyone.
Tired mum and Louise
I know what you both mean about making friends with the gf rather than an enemy. I prefer to do that in every aspect of my life, I don't like not liking people, but I find it hard to get around the getting stoned while my son was there as well as upsetting him. The sensible part of me says that it wasn't delibrate and that she wasn't thinking and was just repeating what my ex has told her. I can see the whole situation from her point of view, she has meet a 'nice' guy and his ex has stopped him seeing his child because she is jealous and created a lot of hassle and stress, so I can imagine that she doesn't like me a lot either. That is probably what she has been told by my ex, he hasn't told her about the mortgage arrears and that the house is going to be sold and he will have no where to go. He definatly hasn' told her why I had to leave him and he told her that I went mental at him in Tesco and just basically turnt everything around so I look like the bad guy.
Where i live drugs are fairly socially acceptable to quite a few people, so I think that she geunily thinks that there is nothing wrong with it.
I have told my son that Daddy is poorly and that when he gets better they can see each other at the park. He has told me before that he hates me because I won't let him see Daddy and that I broke up our family (that was what ex told him when we split).
Is it normal for me to thinking about this and the ex and gf pretty much all the time? My mum told me that I didn't really 'mourn' the end of the relationship when we split as I was too distracted by the pratical things that needed sorting, but now that is sorted as much as possible I have no choice but to think about the emotional side. Its doing my head in and I keep talking about it all the time.
thanks xxx
Hello co734
I think it is entirely normal. You need to get it out of your system. You could have a chat with a counsellor but if you have some good family and friends support around then this might suffice. Writing it down can help as well, and understanding that others have been through the same. Have a look at this thread in our Relationships and You section. I know it is not exactly the same situation as your own, but members talk about the process they go through and their feelings and you may be able to identify with them.
As for your boy saying he hates you, the best thing to do is to ignore this. Honestly, it is! If you let him see how powerful this phrase is, and how it upsets you then he has a tool to use in the future. Anyway he does not mean he REALLY hates you, he is too little to say "I feel really frustrated that I am not seeing my dad, I know you say he is ill but other people are telling me different and I don't understand, I am only four and I just want things to be nice again" which is what he really means. If you can think of "I hate you" as a CODE for other feelings, then that might help.
Hi co734
I htink it is quite normal for you to be thinking about your ex and his gf, you are on your own with your son and you know (whatever you think your ex), that they have each other.
You may well be feeling like it is you against the world, especially with work not really expressing serious concern over his behaviour, amongst other things.
Whenever you find yourself thinking of them, can you try and make a big sigh and know that soon, all this will be in the past, as you now have the power to create a happy and secure future for yourself and your son?
Oh and he was meant to be paying the mortgage and it is now two months in arrears. My son and I are living with my nan and are looking to privately rent a house but the mortgage arrears are going to make that near impossible. I am also trying to study for exams at the minute (I'm doing a law degree with the Open University).