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Hi i dont know if im being abused emotionally... i've been in this relationship for 4yrs and have a child with this partner...we argue all the time and i mean everyday over little things which i dont start but im told i do! he is a charmer to others i only noticed that its a act to draw you in he acts different infront of my family ( but they see its fake)but my family have no idea whats happening to me they dont know that for the passed 4yrs i have been call fat, ugly, stupid, slaggy boob, silulite riden slag and that im lucky im with him he could do so much better then me and no one would want me..... my cleaning isnt good enough the fact food is always made before he comes home isnt good enough he has threatened me if i ever tried to leave and go to my parents house he would burn everyone init!! he has threatened to kill me... to overdose ( he has tried) he does have a really messed up background growing up i tried being there but i think he is so into the attention he gets when hetells people then actually sorting the issue that are left now! he straggled me about 3 weeks ago infront of our child and when i spoke about it after he said i didnt straggle you i grab you but i remember having a sore neck for 4 days after
Hi willow, yes, it definately is emotional abuse. Louise has given some great links, so please get in touch with Womens Aid. His behaviour is totally unacceptable, not only to you, but also to your child, who is witnessing it and hearing it. Speak to your family about everything that is going on, they are there to help you.
Please keep posting here, we'll all help as much as we can with support etc.
thank youi will take these steps... this is the 1st time i have spoken out and im glad i did
the click here link isnt working?
(Note from Moderator: link fixed)
Hi willow, i will take a look for you. xx
Hi willow. I can't seem to find the list that Louise spoke about. I shall keep looking, if not me, then someone will help locate it. Possibly Louise when she is back on line later.
Thanks hazeleyes, I have mended the link in my post now, it worked earlier, thankfully you were here to help 
You're welcome. I have my uses you know, hehe. x
I just want to say that yes you are... physicaly as well. Your discription of your partner, situation sounds so much like my life with my X but it wasn't untill I was out of the relationship that I saw the truth of it.
While in the relationship I just made excuses.
It's not your fault in anyway.
thanks... i know that was what i've been doing but only the other day i found a article online about emotional abuse and saw that was the name for my relationship i knew there was something wrong just didnt know this was it!! what i have said is just a summary there is so much more!! but also i understand the excuses because i have been doing that too... i have to add thou there is a nice side to him but what he did and does is horrible and at time's i feel so bad because i know i'm leaning now... we argued yesterday and i could see everything he was doing for the 1st time.. its like i've stepped out of my life and could see from an outsiders point of view of how wrong the life is for mostly my child and thats all thanks to you guy's and the article so really THANK YOU!! im going to do the right thing for me and my child xxxx
and thanks for the link it works!! and he is a mix.. x
Controling people are very good at being nice and they all have sides to them that we love or why would we have fallen in love with them in the first place.
Good luck and take care.
: )
bubblegum can i ask you what steps you took please...when this was happening to you?
hi love im a bloke and me heart goes out to you how would he fell if it was the other way around he be gone and love dont mind what he says about killing you if you left love GO! get out of that go some where it doesnt have to be your mother there loads of places out the for people that are abused there more help out there than ever before go to ireland they would help you they would put you up in a B&B i know all this and they would help you out with a cloth alowance if you had to flee with nothing there is great help there its not like over here where i came from was dublin and that the best place for help and theres good people over there if you want more let me know id put you on the right path as my mother went tru all that crap so i feel it for you as i was always with my mothere hiding around the estate and staying out in the cold till me da fell asleep all that so love dont put up with it fi you do then put up and shut up thats what i say im not being smart saying that but its tru get out off it befor it goes to far and your child is left with out a mother
thanks garyquinn33... i am going and your comment had also help as its nice to hear this from a bloke's point of view..it's clear me that me and my child suffering like this isnt normal... even thou i have been telling myself every relationship goes through ups and downs but this is far from that and far from normal.. i was just thinking how clever my child is in her development.... but soo behind in how to treat other human's and it not her fault its her parents make me so sad that she has had to see all this... but not anymore...
Hi willow
I have not been through this exact situation myself but have supported other people who have.
First you need to appreciate the full extent of the abuse, I believe this is what you are starting to do now, it can be shocking and almost unbelieveable because yes these people have a nice side, and other people only see that!
Secondly you need to make a plan. Sometimes this takes a while to prepare. Think about where you would live. Think about money. Have you got joint accounts where you need to take some money out, give it to someone for safekeeping? Where are your documents: your passport, yours and child's birth certificates, driving licence if you have one, get them all together and once again give them to someone if possible. What about memory stuff, childhood photos etc that you might want to keep? phone Women's Aid and get more advice, sometimes if you are not in immediate danger of injury it is better to wait a short while and get the plans in place that will make things much easier afterwards. Maybe see a solicitor, find one here. Of course, anyone in immediate danger must get out straightaway.
Hi willow... I didn't do anything, just kept trying to hold it all togeather and basicaly sticking my head in the sand. It wasnt untill one day she blew up and attacked me, smashed a door with a hammer, came at me with a knife and a sauspan, threatened to kill our daughter by smashing her head on the floor and then ran out the house with, our daughter.
I called the police, they came and took her away kicking and screaming in a van and then family protection and social services came and told me they were going to put the children in care if I stayed where I was, so I got in our car and drove to my sisters house (it was quite a way at the time)
So I didn't really do anything, I let it all get out of hand untill other people were forced to intervene. I thought I could handle it, I thought she's not always like it, I thought I love her, she needs me and besides who'd have me anyway... etc etc.
She was always thretening to kill herself and me and anyone I happened to glance at randomly in the street. I had no friends and my life revolved around her needs, demands, wants. With me constantly worrying about what I should or shouldn't be doing trying to keep her happy (as in not angry)
What Louis says above is sound advice.
It makes me feel stressed and tense just thinking about it now.
Don't wait for things to get better, start making them better now. When I first left I was sad at first and thinking about going back but after a while I began to see how it had been. The first few days at my sisters house I just felt, for want of betters words I can't think of... but like a weight had been lifted off my shouders, able to relax and sit down and drink a coffee... go to the toilet! just not have to think about everything I did. and all that despite the fact I had no money, no job, no home and just the stuff I had gotten into the car.
And loads more things and stuff, I'm so happy it's in the past.
Womens Aid is probably a good place to go CAB as well, there are a few support groups and networks for women in these situation (not so for men) and what Louise says is good, start doing all that.
Strangling you is shokingly scarry so be carefull. Does he have access to your computer? if so clean your tracks so he doesnt find where you have been going (like this site)
Good luck.
: )
Hi Willow,
You are being emotionally abused terribly, I have been in that same situation and its awful.
My advice to you is to start making plans to get out of this relationship, he is threatening to hurt you and your a child and you shouldnt stick around to see if he will carry his threats out. I used to think that I should stick with the Dad of my kids for them but now I know leaving him was the best thing I ever did, especially for my kids.
I hope you have friends and family around to support you, and please dont believe any thing he says to you... your a great Mum and you deserve to be loved, respected and treated a lot better than this. (((big hugs)))
xxx
Hi willow. How are things today? You can get through this, and we are all here to support you. Bubblegum has advised you to delete things from your computer, and it is an excellent idea. I'm sure you do this via your history button. Take care. xx
yes i do delect the history ever time i've been on this site... i have told my family and we are talking about how to leave so its going to happen... i've tried phone womens aid today but its really busy so im going to keep trying.. thank you all again as you all have opened my eyes to this situation and i am going to leave.... does anyone know how a restraining order works??
Am not sure about a restraining order, you can certainly apply for an injunciont which forbades him to have contact with you and to come within a certain distance of where you are living, with arrest if he does, but I do believe there is a distinction between ones brought by the police and ones brought by you, as to arrest. ASk the solicitor about this when you go
The difference betwen a restraning order and a non molestation order, that's what I had over my wife (Non Molestation) she wasn't allowed to contact me or come within a certain distance)
In court apperances I was given my own little room and a policeman to look after me :)
Well done willow. I'm so pleased you've confided it all to your family. You have their full support, and they'll be with you every step of the way. Keep posting to let us know how you are. xx
Hi there willow, I just wanted to say Well Done for recognising what is going on and finding the strength to look for help.
This is not going to be easy, you really must have a very well laid out plan as you are at your most vulnerable when your partner recognises that you are leaving them and also your emotions will be running very high.
I hope that you have managed to get through to Womens Aid by now and they have given you some clear direction.
hi everyone just wanted to let you guy's know that I've spoken to womens aid and the lady on the phone said im at high risk she scored me 19 out of 24! still leaving and have a structure on how... also i spoke to my GP so they know now...feeling really anxious and actually had to calm myself down the other night i couldnt shut down my heart and head were racing and i had butterflies in my stomach...keep shaking when i think about the day i leave....since last time i wrote have had a few arguements as expected shouting in my face, pushed me into the door way which i have a little bruise from called me ugly and said he could find a supermodel if he wanted but got with me because he thought i would have more brains basically..said i need to grow up and be a women....
That is awful. Sorry for what you are going through, it is great that you have a plan, get everything ready and set a date!!!!
You are NONE of those things that he has said, He is the one with the problem. You deserve much much more and so does your little one.
Thinking of you.....
thank you louise... I am pretty certain which day and have a number which womens aid gave me to set an injuction for the day..which i will phone once its 100% which day that is... also my child was play with her toy the other day and shouted im gonna poke you in the eye! she said that because she saw her dad did that to me can't wait to take her away from this..
Good luck Willow. Really hope that you don't have long to wait now and all goes well.
The very best of luck Willow. It's great that you've got a date in mind. Of course it is going to be scary, but you know you are doing the right thing for yourself and for your child. Keep in touch to let us know how you're doing. xx
Good luck Willow, stay strong xxx
Good luck from me too. : )
Hi willow - your messages fill me with hope, I am so glad that you have been in touch with Womens Aid and they recognised the severity of the situation, which in turn has shown you, that it really is time to go.
Lots and lots of luck from the One Space team, if you get a chance to get to the internet on your journey, please pop in and let us know how you and your daughter are. You are doing brilliantly
Willow,
YES this is horrendous abuse. Poor you, what a lot you have had to put up with. Thank you for coming on here and telling us about it. I agree it is extra worrying that your child has seen and heard this abuse, too. The way that abusers work is to undermine the confidence of their partner so that it makes it difficult for you to see how badly they are behaving.
It sounds as if your family would be supportive, although they don't know the full extent of things, you could confide in them, do you think? Could you go and stay with them if you decided to leave? and by the way you need to tell the police immediately if there are any more threats, and get an incident number.
As a first step, whatever you decide about this relationship, do please contact Women's Aid when you get some time on your own.They can advise you about the situation, support you on the phone and with their Outreach service. Their number is
0808 2000 247
If you feel any doubt about how serious this abuse is, please look here and see if you can identify anything about your partner from the list!!!
Do keep in touch with us, keep posting, we are here for you.