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Hi Everyone,
I've been seperated from my husband now for three years, we have a Daughter who is 4 who lives with me and has always been able to see, speak to by phone, on webcam whenever he requests. When we first split up he moved me and my daughter out of the family home got a lodger in and covered the bills (apparantly), he did not pay me any money for my daughters upbringing as the arrangement was he covered the bills, childminder whilst my name was being taken off the mortgage resulting in him being sole owner. Long story short he let the house be reposessed and left his job so all the debts came to me! And although all of this is really upsetting and frustrating for me I have honestly never let it affect him seeing his daughter, my family think I am being far too calm about the whole thing!
I have had words with him about debt but never made it awkward for him, inviting him in my house, round for food, even him and his girlfriend on a few occasions but this only lasted for around 6 months, then all of a sudden he started to not turn up at all, turn up late, come back after only seeing her for an hour, giving her back saying 'she's naughty', the phonecalls to say good night stopped, webcam stopped and no overnight stays for at least 8 months. Then after her 4th birthday he started to have her for overnight stays, not often but more than before, booked her swimming lessons and this lasted for a couple of months - he's started to ask for more time with her but he's not being reliable then. He changes arrangements weekly and will never budge on swapping his time if she is invited to partys or special occasions.
He complains alot that he doesn't have any quality time with her so I have suggested that in September when she starts school and has to have an early bedtime routine that he has her every other weekend, starting from Friday nights at 6pm and finishing Sunday at 6pm. Now at the moment he sees her for a total of 12 hours over three days, (two of which are only for 2 hours) and irregular overnight stays, my suggestion gives him 48 hours with two overnight stays every other week, it's weekends so he isn't at work, he gets to spend his free time with her and I get the same the following weekend as I also work. He wanted to see her twice in the week and every saturday day and night, but this way I would never get to spend a Saturday day or night with my daughter, she wouldn't be allowed to come to any special occasions/parties.
I have since found out that when they have her they spend their time in the pub or sitting in their friends garden letting my daughter play with the two children that live there, then it clicked, she was too young before but now she can go off and play in the garden with the older kids she's no trouble! thats why he's showing an interest again. I have heard other very worrying things about him and have approached him about them all, he always says they are lies.. they include, he doesn't make her wear a seatbelt, he tells her to ask people in the pub to buy her a drink cause he's got no money yet him and his girlfriend have drinks - My daughter has also told me that he smacks her and the most recent one is that she wet her self a bit while sitting on their bed eating her tea and he now makes her eat it on the floor while they sit on their bed.
He has also said he doesn't want to keep being reminded of me as he thinks I'm obsessed with him (Which I am definately not) so my suggestion includes that his mom collects her and drops her off, but they want the arrangements changed now to Monday 2 hrs, Fri 4 hours then I have her sat, sun then the following weekend he sees her Mon, Fri, Sat, Sun. I have no idea where all of this has come from but he has asked me to wait for his solicitors letter and if I don't agree he'll take me to court??
Do you think that I am being unreasonable, I am really worried as I have heard that bad decisions can come out of court??
Hello Crystal
Well it sounds as if you have been very reasonable and flexible and I particularly admire the fact that you have been able to separate out what has gone on between the two of you from the relationship he has with your daughter. Gold star! 
So as I understand it, you are very willing to have a pattern of shared care provided there is flexibility for your daughter to go to parties etc but what is really bothering you at the moment is the reports of what happens during the parenting time. Hopeful is right when she suggests keeping a log. His whole "argument" is for quality time yet being in the pub or sending her off to play with other children is hardly quality time. This log is in case it does come to court. The seatbelt thing is paramount though, you MUST sort this out as a priority. At her age she should be in a proper car seat, has he not got one?
I would suggest a letter to him at this stage, stating that you have various concerns about his parenting time, the most urgent of which is that she does not always wear a seatbelt. Ask him to come to mediation with you. Keep a copy. If he comes to mediation all well and good, if he does not then again you have some more to add to your log in terms of you were willing to go to mediation and he was not. Family court judges often just order you both to mediation instead of going into the nitty gritty in court.....or adjourn the proceedings for CAFCASS to report (they are the family court officers and see everyone involved in the case including the children). You can find a mediator here by the way
If you get a letter from his solicitor (and it is a big if) then write back to the solicitor yourself very briefly saying "thank you for your letter, the contents of which are noted. I have some concerns about X's parenting time with our daughter, the most urgent of which is that she is not always wearing a seatlbelt in the car. I would like to invite X to mediation to sort out these matters".....and leave it at that.
Hope this helps. Try not to worry too much, it sounds as if you are doing a good job.
Thank you so much for your advice, both of you... It's just so hard when I know that he has only wanted overnight contact since I reported him to the CSA for not contributing to his daughter, the intermediary CSA advisor told me that he had given my ex details of how to decrease the payments, as in overnight stays... But my frustration with this is that in the 8 months prior to me contacting them he didn't have overnight contact at all, he really doesn't want to go through the CSA but I cannot trust him to keep the payments up without them because of his bad history with money. He see's this as 'embarrassing' and both he and his girlfriend text me on a regular basis to tell me how much of a nasty person I am because of it, but on numerous occasions the CSA have given him the opportunity to pay them directly and send his own payments in and he doesn't, so they contact his work to take it directly, whenever this happens he changes his job, makes my life hell for a few weeks until it starts again. The thing is, he would do anything to stop these payments and he knows that if I know he is only having our daughter overnight because it will cost him less then I will stop the CSA and keep her at home where is very much loved and not treated like an accessory.
I have kept everything in my diary, His mom has made herself the go between now but she is getting on and finds it difficult to remember things.
Mediation I think is a good way to go, I have no idea why people try to create problems in an already awkward situation. The thing that bothers me the most is that they honestly think I am obsessed with them as a couple but I can genuinely say that I am not, When we split up it was my choice, we were not happy, we argued alot and he started to be quite violent towards the end of our relationship, he never hit me but he did show his agression quite alot by hitting things around the house, one time puching the setee so hard while our 1 year old daughter was sitting next to him, she was so scared I will never forget the look on her face as she started to cry, I just thought ''you know what, it doesn't matter how much you loved someone when you were married as soon as you have children they become the priority'' and her happiness and wellbeing was going to suffer. The only thing is, the more this all goes on, she's noticing that things are strange and is asking me if I'm ok which makes me upset beacuse I've tried to avoid all of this for her once and now she's involved again.
I constantly question my parenting because I try to do the best by my daughter but feel like if I don't bend over backwards to keep my ex happy he makes our lifes a misery.
Sorry, that was a right old moan there! I'm just having an emotionally bad day today.
Thank you for your advice x
a good moan can be very therapeutic!
For the record: I don't think you have anything to worry about regarding your parenting skills.
Louise's advice is excellent; you could even invite him to mediation (via the mediator) now, before anything else happens. That way you've shown that you are willing to discuss everything!
Have a lovely - if rainy - day!
I am even more confused now! I have received a solicitors letter requesting contact for completely different times that they have asked me for personally?
I am not entitled to legal aid (he is receiving it but I don't know how when he earns more than me) but also can't afford a long drawn out court battle either, shall I write back to the solicitors myself including the proposal I have made instead and I'm confused now and do not know what he wants as a father... It seems as though he spends more time trying to make me frustrated than trying to actually sort out once and for all what is going on with the time he will be spending with his daughter.
As we were together for a long time, he knows my weaknesses and knows that even if there is nothing to owrry about, I worry, Can't help it and believe me I do try! I just really do not want my daughter to be interrogated like he and his girlfriend interrogate her every time she see's them. She comes back saying Daddy's asked me some questions but he's told me it's a secret and I can't tell you.
Is it worth me sticking to the facts, writing back to his solicitor myself and seeing where that leads? I have spoken to my local Mediators and their fee's are £110ph which is only £40 cheaper than my solicitor so I'm not sure I can afford to propose that as a first option?
It's just frightening how someone who doesn't know anyone involved can decide on my daughters future without knowing how much of a terrible man he is, his own family know he is wrong and have tried telling him but he will not listen to anyone other than his girlfriend, and before you say it, I have tried my best to get her on-side and it always turns out bad, as we all come from and still live in the same area and I am older than she is I know some of her friends older siblings, if ever I go to the park or shops if I see any of them and they tell her they start being offish with my like I shouldn't show myself in public? I honestly feel like I am back at school and am in my mid 30's.
I honestly feel like packing a bag and moving away, I think secretly this is what they want but if I do then I'm sure they will moan about that aswell!
Hi Hopeful... you're right it helps! thank you for your kind words, yes I had my washing on the line and completely forgot, out all night and had to put it back in the washer today ;(
Hi Crystal
I was really shocked at the cost you have been quoted, that is the cost of non legally aided clients. Now legal aid is different for different things and is only extended to certain groups for certain things.The qualifying cut off point for legal aid for mediation is a disposable family income of less than £733 per month for example. By disposable I mean all income, LESS tax/NI paid and mortgage/rent/childcare costs. Here is a form you can fill in to check your own eligibility. You will need a payslip in front of you to do it, it only takes a couple of minutes.
If you can get the legal aid I would say go straight for mediation, and write and tell the solicitor you are doing so. If not then it would be worth responding to the solicitor's letter yourself saying that the contact times proposed are different from those Mr X has suggested to you and that you have a counter-proposal to put to him, and say what it is. However, you need to say you have concerns about his parenting time with your daughter, including that of her not wearing a seat belt and want to have those addressed before an agreement is reached. Hold your nerve with this situation: as you say he knows exactly what buttons to press; don't fall for it!
Hi Crystal
I am afraid your issues are common, everyone has given some good suggestions, you may also be interested in contacting our Family Law Ask the Expert 1-2-1 service.
Don't question your parenting, it sounds as though you are doing a stirling job, only made harder by the complications being put in front of you by your ex.
If your daughter is saying her father smacks her, couldn't Childrens' services get involved? They could enforce supervised contact. This would reduce the need for you and him to have as much contact. Any ruling they make is unlikely to be overturned by a court. They should be able to arrange mediation aswell. It does mean he would have to arrange visits with them aswell as you. It also means that they would have records of his visits, including if he fails to attend or turns up late or leaves early.
If it's for the safety of the child, then I can't see them refusing to get involved (although it will probably be someone from their locality team.
Hello Crystal, I've just read through yur post, and really feel for you.I think you are doing a really god job too. I have to say this site is great because we are all going through similar situations, and some very good help and advice is always on hand.
Have you asked the expert here yet? Has anything been sorted in the last month?
Hi Crystal,
everybody here is very lovely and helpful and you'll get some really good advice here!
Have you kept records about when your ex has been unreliable and also of the things you've heard, like the seat belt thing? (Making your daughter sit on the floor sounds really awful!).
My ex used to frighten me with social services when he felt he wasn't going to get his own way, until somebody else pointed out to me that I was doing a good job with my children and everybody could see that. It is understandable that it makes you feel really insecure, because your children are the most precious things to you. But like you said at the beginning: you are doing your best and you are doing it well! :)