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I am so angry with my ex. We've been separated for a year and if anything I'm just getting angrier. I slag him off to anyone who gives me half a chance, and I hate that. I'm not that kind of person, I'm really not. But I feel like I'm turning into a bitter, nasty, venom-spitting, twisted woman. It's exhausting being this furious.
My boys adore their dad, and despite his many failings he does pay for them and he does stick to contact arrangements, but I still find myself wishing that he would just lose interest, s*d off and leave us to get on with it. Then I hate myself for thinking things like that because of how much it would affect my boys.
I'm so angry with him, and angry with myself for choosing to have my children with him, and now angry at his insistence on not just going away and leaving us alone.
I'm sorry, I feel like all I do here is moan lately, but I just don't know where else to turn. I'm so miserable and frustrated with everything at the moment, I just want to scoop my kids up and run away from everything. I love them so much and I want to take them somewhere where they'll have better opportunities and better influences than they do here, but we'r estuck and I think maybe I'm putting all of that anger on my ex's shoulders because of my moral obligation to him.
When do these feelings start going away? I feel like I'm going to be mad at him forever. I know I'm being unreasonable. I would never say these things to him and I certainly would never stop him from seeing his children.
Hi immi im in exactly same place as u. my anger is taken out on people who really love me and care for me and not directed at the one person it should b . what ive found id this anger eats you up and im letting him win ,because he not sat at home worrying or getting angry. its bloody hard as most days i get like this. im gooing to start a new group that i can b with people who have been through abuse and hopefully get all my anger out on these session as well. I dont have any advice as im in same place as u and my heart goes out to u. frustration is very hard as well .plus looking after the kids when u feel rubbish because they have made us feel this way. big hugs i hope u can find some thing to help u . i have found batting a pillow as hard as u can he he he!!!!
Thank you Sally, the article was very helpful. A lot of the techniques are almost quite obvious but it's hard to remember them when you're stuck in such a dark and bitter place. I think I might print that off and stick it on my fridge - or at least read it every day and hope it sinks in :) I am lucky to have a handful of lovely, supportive friends but I feel like my venting must annoy them after a while. I don't want to push them away. I really would like to maybe start counselling or something but I'm not sure if I could afford it.
Thank you flowers xx you're right, the only people that truly suffer because of our anger are ourselves. I like the pillow beating idea! Ha! The group sounds great, I hope that it's really helpful for you. I've been talking to our local childrens centre about whether they would consider starting a single parents group but unfortunately they are unable at present due to lack of funding, but hopefully that won't always be the case.
just_immi I think when your rules are in place, him not invading your space anymore as he does, that will already make a big difference. I hope you can relax during your holiday, you haven't had your talk or e-mail with him yet and once you have done that, you will feel relief as there will come a solution to it and will probably feel less angry.
I can't imagine my ex walking through my house, going through drawers and Me having to walk outside in the rain whilst he is having his visit in My Space/House. I really hope you can relax soon and feel for you xx
Hi just_immi, I agree with Skyflower, you have been holding out and putting him and the boys first, which is very admirable on one hand but getting you down on the other. When we start taking control of our lives and focussing on our own goals, the issues with them do start to melt into the distance, or at least, seem less important.
Unfortunately before we have children we have an image of what it will be like, this tends to be pretty idealised, which can lead to depression, but once we see things for what they are. You have two healthy boys that adore you, things aren't so bad.
Have a look at this Process of overcoming trauma, which can be useful after experiencing the end of a relationship as much as moving on after a life threatening event. You might find it interesting, can you relate to where you are on the cycle?
hi immi i know what you mean but for me i kicked the wall in my garden if i got up tight or walked i wouldnt allow myself to slag him off cause thats a emotion and i wouldnt allow him to have that on my my hit me done things that still today shock me and now i look at it as well i must me very interesting still that he as to do things but give them enough rope as the saying goes or what goes around comes around and they will get karma but that can take a while
dont show him or let him know you are mad cause then he as or thinks he as won or getting to you just do what alittle you have to do with him cause of the kids and look at it thats it my part done he pays for them and sees them and while you have abit of free time go for a walk or hang see family or friends but try not to talk about him really not worth the breath
Good post, shaz 5 
I'm sorry for taking so long to reply, thank you guys for your support, really.
Skyflower you are right of course, once that conversation is out of the way it will be far easier to deal with him. I feel so anxious on days when he is due to come, not because of anything he has done but just because I know he'll be here, and I feel like I have to hide things and make sure the house is really clean and tidy when ordinarily we might be able to relax a little.
Anna, thank you, I had a look at the link and it was really interesting. I think I'm generally veering between two or three points on the cycle, mostly. You are absolutely right, it's very easy to focus on the negatives. I love my boys dearly and most of the time we have a peaceful, easy life. I need to work on accepting the fact that the ex will always be in my life in some way (unless he joins the army/moves away/etc - one can only hope!).
Shaz5, thank you so much, it sounds like you have had a much rougher time with your ex than I ever have with mine, I'm sorry. You're absolutely right, even if it does bother us we can't let them see that.
My eldest son has been saying things that lead me to believe that he has started slagging me off in front of them. Each time I have been really careful to keep a smile on my face, tell my son the truth and also assure him that he can always talk to me and his dad about anything he wants, whenever he wants. He's such a sensitive boy, you can see that he worries about rocking the boat between us. I'm so sick of his rubbish, I'm doing my best to be a kind, civil grown-up about everything, why can't he?
Hi just_immi, how was your time away ? I hope you had some breathing space and ready for what you would like to do about solving it. So hope soon your house will be your home again, as you deserve some distance,
it is not to his advantage to act in a mature way at the moment just_immi, hopefully it will change with time, hug for you x
Hi just_immi, it sounds as though you are doing all that you should with regards to your eldest, is there another adult who he can talk to? Your parents or siblings?
Hi just_immi have things got any better ? are u still carrying around this anger? does your eldest blame u ? Im really struggling ,i feel ive lost my eldest due to his father and its killing me inside. the anger i feel is off the ricter scale towards his dad. i wish he would move a way to . i can relate to your first posting.god its a bloody struggle!!! x
how do u cope and get by i need answers?
Hi just_immi
I'm so sorry to hear that you are upset xx
I split up with the Father of my Child over a decade ago and I know how much I hated him for putting us through tough times all because he was so selfish. He doesn't keep in touch and whilst my Daughter was growing up I knew she missed having her Dad around (and that made me hate him even more).
Now that she's a teenager she knows how bad her Dad is, I know your hurting hun but it might not be so bad for you Ex to keep regular contact?
I wish my selfish Ex did, at least my Daughter would not have grown up feeling the odd one out because her friends had both parents.
Time does heal pain, and I'm here if you wana chat
Take care x
Big Hug just_immi, unfortunately there is no time limit on how long these feelings last, we all have to go through a process and sometimes we can get stuck in one area for a while, you could take a look at this Managing Anger article, it may have some suggestions that could help you move on to the next stage.
Do you have anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling?