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Sorry, it’s a long one.
My ex is a policeman. He walked out on us when my son was 2 years old.
He turned up for 3 visits for the first 3 months through me begging him to have contact with his son. On the final visit he threatened to hit me. I stopped pleading for visits at that point.
The next 24 months were bound with accusations that I was denying him contact (whenever he asked for it, I offered him a date, which was ALWAYS inconvenient to him and a barrage of abuse was launched at me, he never tried to compromise – I cant do this Saturday, how about next?).
He would ask me to tell my son that he’d died and that he always loved him, he’d threaten me with social services.. telling me he’d tell them I’m a bad mother. He’s accused me of domestic abuse – apparently he’s told his bosses about this and there is an investigation about me (his solicitor has confirmed this).
When the riots were happening he sent me a letter pleading me to pass it on to his 3 year old son claiming it was his last night on the earth as the rioters were at war with them.
Other occasions he’d scare me by accusing me of being insane, or that my parents (who I live with) are insane and that he’s going to section us (he has the power because he holds the badge he says). He’d text me at 2am in the mornings telling me how he loved me, but that he can’t live with me, or he’d just text and say “son I love you”.
He’d use the private agreement regarding childcare payments to try and get me to contact him. At Christmas last year, he was intending on seeing his son, he caused a massive argument between us 2 weeks before and then never showed up without telling me, so my son was waiting for him to turn up.
I eventually stopped replying to him, 15 months into this. I contacted the CSA, accepted a lower amount and he was to make arrangements to pay me straight into my account. He kept texting me asking me to confirm that this was the right amount.. when I didn’t, he refused to send it across, the CSA then agreed to take the money and forward it onto me.
In July last year, he made contact via a solicitor. He wanted to see our son. I suggested a contact centre since he’d suggested more than once (actually, probably about 15 times in 24 months) that he was suicidal, on antidepressants, wanted to die. In September, as my son started school, we started in the contact centre.
I sat in for the first few visits. My son has signs of autism, sometimes quite severe, it turns out that it may be anxiety which is why the symptoms have reduced since his dad left us. The first visit that I left the contact centre room (for half hour), my son afterwards told me his dad had said that he’d be living with him and that he’d only see me weekends, he was really distressed. I tried to talk to his dad, explain this was not appropriate and that it had caused my little anxious boy undue upset. Dad was “sympathetic”, told me it wouldn’t happen again.
The first visit I left them completely for the 2 hours a few weeks later, my son came and found me half way through, upset, his anxiety means that he doesn’t talk about his problems like you or I would.. they build up and all of a sudden, usually in a dark room, they explode and he talks, after he is aggressive, violent and angry. Turns out his dad was talking about his “special friend” and wondering what I was up to – did I have a friend, where did we live, did I have a car etc, he also told him that he’d be spending Christmas with him and his “special friend” (who he has never ever met). I spoke to my solicitor, we composed a letter I sent to his solicitor and to him. My son mean while’s speech has been deteriorating … his mood swings have become worse due, I can only believe to the stress.
I then get a request for mediation in December, I’m a mother that works full time, I’m trying to put a roof over my baby’s head – we are renovating a house at the moment which is costly, I pay for clubs for my baby. I offered mediation when he first left because I was being supported by my parents, now I’m not financially, I can’t afford mediation. My ex tells me that he was going to pay for it for me when I raise this with him… he then kicks up a stink telling me I’m a money grabbing w….. I don’t do drugs, I’m not out drinking or smoking… I am very good with money and all I’m trying to do is build a future for my son and I. I do not want to spend money on someone who lies compulsively and who, in all intent purposes is not going to agree with what we agree at mediation.
I can’t win with him, he’s told me his new partner is expecting a baby, then tells me he only said that to hurt me, he denies the threats of suicide (which I have backed up on text messages and emails). Every event that happens in London, he was at (the helicopter crash – he was 2 doors down from it….the riots, the July bombings) I just don’t believe anything he says anymore.
The last week, I’ve spent comforting my little boy who is in such a state because he has come out of contact on Saturday with the notion that Daddy doesn’t like his Mummy and his Daddy has a house that he is going to live in, and the house is full of toys that he can play with. My son says he doesn’t want to live there, he wants to live with me.
I don’t know what to do. I feel my son and I are being emotionally abused by this man, but, it’s our word against his – the words of a 4 year old. My son is not a liar (his dad has suggested that he is when I try to discuss conversations at the contact centre with him)… my ex is such a good liar. It scares me that all his threats and maliciousness will either end me in court with a criminal record, or my son will end up living with him poisoned by his lies and empty promises. And, all the time, my little boy is drowning in his emotions and confusion. Its heartbreaking.
Is pushing a 4 year old into making a decision about who he lives with emotional abuse? What kind of stand can I take? Will a 4 year old be believed? I know that my son doesn’t have a legal choice as to where he lives – given his age… and I understand that a child has the right to see both parents… but surely this is detrimental to his health. I just want my child to have fun, smile, and be a typical 4 year.
Thanks for your response Anna. I will speak to Womens Aid over the weekend.
The thing that confuses me by all this is would he be deemed to be domestically violent? I mean, he's never hit me (he has threatened to, even pretended to - for example, he would pick the remote control up and pretend to hit me). With regard to my son.. he has "smacked" him once.. I say "smacked". We are talking about a 2 year old little boy at the time, who wasn't doing anything wrong (in my eyes), his dad pulled his nappy down, put him over his knee then firmly smacked him with 4 fingers. What is worse, he then laughed about it, called his parents and boasted about it, as well as my family members. He then spent the next week warning our son that he'd do it again ... (he left a week later, thank god). It was sadistic.
Can the mind games actually be called domestic violence? I've never considered myself an "abused" person.
I've kept all texts, some typed transcripts of signifcant conversations we've had, all letters which I've also given to my solicitor. I also record phone calls in the past (i know they are inadmissable in court, but felt it was good to document everything).
Currently, the contact centre is voluntary. The last time (before Christmas) this kind of discussion happened with my son, I wrote to his solicitor and him (after seeking advice from my solicitor) threatening to pull out of the contact, my solicitor figured that it would kick him up the backside and the problem would resolve itself. I never actually got a response from the solicitor (he's awful) and my ex's verbal response was that my son was lying, the conversation never happened, but that he would be careful in future...
I am 99.999% certain that my little boy isn't lying (and wasn't lying then). But, I know he wouldn't repeat this conversation to just anyone or retell it for example to a solicitor or cafcass. He just clams up. As it is, for him to broach the discussions, he has to have the lights turned off and his back to me.
I feel torn. I know that if I pull out of contact, then my ex will take me to court (and take great delight in telling everyone what a witch I am). I can't afford legal representation, I know that in my mind, I'd like to tell him to do one, but my son does (for some god unknown reason) love his dad (well, when I say love, i mean in the way that he's obsessed about asking if his daddy loves him and that my son likes him). The contact centre refuse to "listen" to conversations so when I speak to them about my concerns they tell me they are only there for facilitating contact which I can understand, and that Dad is doing really well (hmm, its 2 hours every other week and they play computer games the whole time, not really bonding or connecting, but each to their own).
I don't see the point of mediation, its a lot of money for something that I've never denied him, plus, he lies, so anything agreed isn't worth its salt. And, i can't help thinking that I'm going to come out of this worse than I've already got it.
I just want my son to be the happy little boy he can be - before all this happened. Children should not have to be played like a pawn in a persons warped mind games ... and I really want to grow a backbone and pull out of the visits, but I'm scared to do it for fear of repercussions.
Hello Flapjack
First of all domestic abuse does not only mean physical violence. Please have a look at our online course The Freedom Programme. This explains more about abusive relationships and you may like to do the course.
Next, you are asking about the contact centre. What you are saying is that if you stop this then you think your son's dad will take you to court. It is my personal belief that many parents get "fedup" and so unwanted contact can often peter out. However, this can't be guaranteed. The fact that he has asked for mediation indicates to me that he upping the ante.
A four year old cannot be involved in decisions about where he lives. The contact centre staff will not bear witness as they are just there to ensure physical safety. I have to say to you that is is pretty likely that he could get unsupervised contact if he took a court case.
Did you get a reply from our Legal Expert?
I've not spoken to the legal expert, but will query with them this this afternoon.
That's what I'm scared of regarding a court case - him having unsupervised access.
I'm not being the vindicitive bitter ex, but, honestly, my son's behaviour has deteriorated, his speech has deteriorated - his sleep patterns have gone, in the last 8 weeks or so, he's reverted back to baby - signing, grunting and whining . When he's out shopping, the shop assistants don't understand what he is saying, he speaks too fast and with no clarity.
I would love for them to have a relationship, but the relationship should not be about point scoring or upsetting a child. My son does not know that I dislike his dad .. in 27 months, my son has never once said "you dont like daddy" or had an inclining of my feelings. Discussions are not put to him, they are not said when he is around.
I'm just so frustrated.
I know legally my son doesn't have the ability in a court to declare where he lives, BUT, precisely for this reason, his father should not be filling his head and confusing him as to where he lives. Its not rocket science.
The whole idea of the contact centre was that it was somewhere where I would not feel threatened by pending police investigations (because there are witnesses etc), my son will not be involved in a suicide attempt by his dad (another threat), I don't need my family (who my ex has also accused) to feel caught up in his silly behaviour.
Sorry, I'm ranting, I just dont know what I can do, since speaking to him doesn't work, speaking to his solicitor certainly doesn't work and talking to my son will only work for a short while. He looks like his head is going to explode every night.
Its very difficult isn't it, Flapjack, I can hear your struggle.
The way your husband has been behaving IS abusive, no, he hasn't been violent, but he has threatened you, scared you, manipulated and lied to you, he has accused you and your parents of being insane and threatened you with sectioning and much much more. This is not the behaviour of a decent human being.
Yes your relationship might have been deteriorating, yes he might have been stressed with his job, but his conduct has been abusive, as through all of this he has been trying to control you and the situation. Controlling another person being the main ingredient of abuse.
I hope that you get through to the 24 hour helpline and you have a good chat with them. Hopefully you will come away with a greater understanding of what you have been through and what you want to do next.
Good luck, let us know how it goes.
Hi ya
I spoke with the contact centre about my ex and his behaviour (head of contact centre is ex social services). She suggested we had a chat at the next contact centre (which was saturday) and that she would mediate between the two of us. I actually got the impression that she was taking it seriously, and had concernsn and didn't see past his nice smile, crying, sympathy requiring facarde. Unfortunately my ex didn't turn up. He had the flu/lost his voice/in ireland etc etc... I have no idea which.
My son ended up distraught at the fact his dad was not turning up at contact (I'd said that morning we were off to the centre) - he decided it was because his dad didn't like him. When I pointed out his dad was sick and couldn't get there, he suggested getting him a tomtom. It then turned out he was more upset that he couldn't play on the Play station they have there... hmmmm.
In the meantime, I've spoken to my solicitor. She's suggested that I don't attend mediation - she thinks it wouldn't be a good idea given hte amount of grief/abuse he's given me since leaving. She said she would usually push for it.. but in this respect she'd advise me to steer well clear.
She's also advised me to pull out of contact at the unsupported centre we are currently at. She is suggesting offering him 1 on 1 contact with someone listening in and at his cost.
She's currently preparing me a letter to send out to his solicitor. I'm so scared of his response.
I think he's going to hit the roof, but I have letters I've sent to him advising him to watch what he says, I've verbally spoken to him too and told him not to mix my child up.
My son is still struggling over 2 weeks on to sleep, he's still very much on edge and insecure. I just want to give him a childhood to be happy to think back on, not one where he's in the middle of a fight all the time or doesn't know where he stands.
Arrgh, i just wish this nightmare was over.
Hi Flapjack, so pleased to read that you have been to your solicitor, they sound really screwed on. I agree with her that Mediation is perhaps not the best move right now, as you don't want to be manipulated into doing things that you don't want. It is a shame though that your ex didn't attend the Contact Centre to see his son.
Your ex may hit the roof when he gets the solicitors letters, so it is important that you have some good plans in place. ie how you will deal with phone calls, emails, texts etc. Whether you will engage with him or just leave it all to the solicitors now.
You must write down everything that happens and if he turns up at your house, you do not need to speak to him, if you don't wish him to be there, you may call the police to have him removed.
I am sorry to read that your son is not sleeping, the best thing you can do for him right now, is act as though everything is OK, fine and normal and he should follow suit. Dont let his behaviour become mixed with attention. Sometimes our children have enjoyed us worry about them and lavish attention on them and certain behaviours can continue and even the children themselves aren't really sure why they are behaving a certain way, just know that it works (if you follow my drift).
Your boy has a very loving mum, he is safe and secure and you need to show him that no-one is going to take him away from you, believe it yourself, stay firm and he will believe it too.
Great post, Anna 
Thanks Anna for your post.
I'm sure he won't turn up at my door - I live with my parents at the moment, and he as he is a police officer he's not stupid. He's more of a subtle, sneaky person. It would be more likely that social services turn up at my door, or the police with a complaint or a suggestion that I'm claiming incorrect benefits (which I don't actually claim, but that's more what he's like than violent)...
I'm just not looking forward to when I have to see him again. The last thing in the world i want is to stop contact or make it more difficult for him. I just dont understand why he can't try and make an effort with his son and be reasonable.
Regarding my son, last night he finally stopped trying to talk about his dad, I successfully steered the conversation right onto our upcoming holiday. It still took an hour to get him to sleep and he looks totally exhausted, but I'm of the opinion that an hour is better than an hour and a half AND he managed to stay in his bed last night. Hurrah! I have been trying not to make it an issue what he says, and steer him away from it, but obviously at the same time I need him to be able to talk to me and feel that I'm listening to him. Its such a thin line.
My son's character is one that he's very independent when I'm not around but will try every which way to behave like a "baby" when I am around at the best of times, so its a path that I'm used to treading with him
And I thought childhood would be easy....
Ha ha Flapjack, childhood - easy! Glad to see you have your sense of humour!
You mention that you don't want to make it difficult for your ex to see your son and I completely understand that, however I wondered if you were thinking of your ex's needs more than your own?
Yes, your son has a right to see his father, however he also has the right to feel safe and contact to be non threatening and consistent. I had to cut any thoughts for my ex out of the picture and just do what was right for us, I felt mean, but it was the only way I could move forward. And now I look back and wonder why I ever put him before myself and my child anyway!!
It sounds as though you have some good tactics for diverting your son's attention, well done, glad to heear that he went down slightly easier.
It is a thin line between wanting our children to feel that they can 'talk' about how they are feeling and letting them use it to their advantage. The same with their behaviour. Again this is something I have struggled with (my daughter is 18 now), when she was naughty I would think, 'oh this is because her dad did xyz, the poor thing, I don't want to tell her off etc', but I don't think this was healthy for her, our children need to know clear boundaries, there are times when it is ok to share feelings, perhaps at breakfast, or straight after bathtime, not when they are going to bed, or when they have just been naughty. These are tactics that they will learn to distract us and delay whatever it is we need them to do.
So now the ball is in your court, he doesn't need mollycoddling, he needs to know that everything is fine, yes his dad has upset him and you are not ok with that, but end of story, you still expect him to go to bed as you dictate and behave in a less baby way, at certain times of the day.
This is a long post, I hope that you get to the end, I am interested in your feedback!
Hello Flapjack I'm sending you a vitual hug!
I was in a very similar situation, my ex husband was in the army, emotionally abusive, lied constantly, used to say things that were out of order, I went through the same of trying to arrange visits but there would be excuses, then csa where he refused to pay. My son also has signs of asd and is currently seeing senco and portage.
As my son was younger than yours at the time (18months) it was up to me to figure ut the route I wanted to take. I was offered mediation and a contact centre and I showed my solicitor letters, emails, texts etc filled with the abuse and lies and explained that he was abusive when we lived with him and how my son suffered night terrors, anxiety and the shakes when we lived with my ex and if he ever visited and I didnt want to put my son through that. After a lot of nasty phone calls and ignoring my solicitor my ex finally signed a letter saying he didnt want to see my son, he admitted what he had done and as long as I never contacted the csa again he wanted nothing to do with my son or his upbringing.
From your sons point of view, when I was 7 I had to see a court welfare advisor (I think that is right) and she spoke to me, asked me simple questions and we played a game where I would pick objects to represent my mum and then my dad, I know he is a bit younger but maybe they would listen to him.
I hope it gets sorted, it must be a very upsetting time for you and your son xx
Thanks so much for the virtual hug Colie!
Hmm, well, I got my solicitor to write a letter to his, listing my concerns, stating i was happy for mediation, but that I wasn't happy with paying the costs and since he generously offered to pay for the costs himself verbally (with a darling, sweetheart and a rub of my shoulder), if he could put that in writing, then I'd make the arrangements.... I also queried the investigation that the police are running and told him that as he'd not paid any attention to my previous letters and words of advice regarding conversations with my child, could i suggest that he moves the contact centre to a supported (?? or one on one) venue and my solicitor suggested the local one.
His solicitor's response "there was no police investigation" - which he then changed to, I'd have to speak to the police in respect to this when my solicitor said it was him who stated there was an investigation... His client wasn't paying my mediation and I'd need substantial evidence to back up my claims regarding the emotional abuse.
So, apparently, (according to his solicitor), I need to have deep pockets as my ex is taking me to court.
Thing is, I verbally spoke to ex (and made notes in a word doc to this effect), I then wrote to his solicitor when he did it again asking for it to stop and making note of my previous conversation with ex... and now, its like I'm being called a liar. They never responded to my letters.
So, in future, should i bug my son and send him off to his dad?! Would that make any difference... no, my son would still be emotionally bruised and I'm sure they would say I was invading his/my exes privacy etc.
I'm so frustrated by all this. I can feel its going to get really petty. Ex's solicitor comes across as a really awful man.. (even my solicitor said she can't stand him and can see what I'm saying when I've said he's awful - I think she thought i might have been exaggerating).
Good news is that my son is really happy and content at the moment. He got a bit moody and aggressive last weekend when he thought he'd be seeing his dad, and when I said "no darling, we are off to football" (his weekly football group which he only goes to fortnightly because of contact) he came round so quick and was a total pleasure. His behaviour has been such a delight. He's not mentioned his dad since.
If ex goes for a contact order, what happens next? One of my friends said he and his ex had to bash things out with solicitors and judge round a table. Is this the norm?
Oh honey I really feel for you, you're in the same place I was a year ago xxx
Were you married to him and was he there to register the name when your son was born?
What people are involved with your sons anxiety/potential asd? It might be an idea to talk to them and have them write down how important it is for your son to have routine and things in place.
It depends what you want and what you think is best. If you think he'll be ok as a father if you're not in a relationship then say he can see him at a contact centre and see how he gets on. If you would be worried for your son then try and stop him. Do you know if he's being like tis to upset you or control you or if he genuinely wants to see his son? You can delay things by a long time and he will lose interest if it's just to upset you.
Mediation is where you are all sat around a table trying to figure things out, my solicitor told my ex I wasn't going to mediation and our solicitors sorted it out really. It is such a difficult thing to go through and so so hard to know what is right. Is there a way to private message on here? xxxx
He's on the birth certificate, but we werent married.
I don't think he's going to go away and leave me alone. I really dont understand him.
When I first had baby, he didn't want to know in the sense that he never did night feeds, moaned if baby cried (and baby was NOT a crier and would only wake once in the night), if he was due to visit his parents and baby was really poorly, he'd not think twice about still going away and leaving me for a long weekend - I even had baby in hospital with suspected melengitus and he went away, when little one had chicken pox and cried for 48 hours non-stop (my parents were away) he hid himself in the bedroom with a "headache" and didn't surface. At 5 am on the third day, I begged him to take over so I could get some sleep for an hour, I found baby in the kitchen 15 minutes later reaching up for a kitchen knife that he'd left after making a sandwich and him in baby's bed asleep... another occasion, I had to run downstairs while baby was in the bath and left dad looking after him... he rang me up and had got son out the bath unwashed because he "couldn't do it" (child was 2 years old and good as gold in the bath and I'd only been 5 minutes).... the weekend before we split up, we were meant to take son swimming, he chose bed rather than to take him swimming. Its this kind of behaviour I can't tolerate.
That kind of thing was him all over, and none exaggerated. I just dont get the impression its about seeing his son because otherwise he'd have been doing all that when in the family home, and when he left, he would have been contacting me day and night rather than leaving it for 20 months before speaking to a solicitor. He thinks its his duty to "make people pay" or "teach them a lesson".
I think its just to hurt me to be honest, for example, he's told me he's expecting a child (this was a lie, which he then admitted 9 months later he said to hurt me), he's scared me with threats of social services, sectioning me and my dad or having our son reported missing because I stopped responding to his text messages due to the amount of abuse he gave me. I've offered mediation, I've offered to talk to him etc over and over again. I've asked him to tell me what he wants with respect to contact.. but he will never say x, y or z, and given he agrees to anything i say, he will say yep, that's brilliant, then bad mouth me afterwards or call me a control freak.
I on the other hand have stopped all contact, except when its about our son. so i know its not tit for tat, its him playing games.
I have a child psychologist, speech therapist, specialist paedeatrician, ENT involvement, optimologist interest and obviously his school sen department. I'm trying to arrange counselling for him to help him express himself, but school are rather slow for this. Problem is, he's not "seriously" autistic, and in a school environment, his issues become evaporated in a system which is struggling with a high ethnic minority of children not speaking english, multitude of separated single parent families and Jeremy Kyle styled mothers (they scream and swear at each other across the playground) that I get told the school has 500 children worse than my son. His teacher has said "oh, yes, i can tell when he's seen his dad" but, I find that although everyone promises they will write something in their report, actually writing it down or supporting me just doesn't happen.
Regarding his dad as a dad and trust. I dont trust him not to play games. His family (he was adopted) play mind games with him and i think he just does the same with our son. Son's paternal grandparents even told my son they'd ring every week back in July... to this date, they still haven't rang once! If we had an argument, he would ring me up to tell me he was going to take tablets and commit suicide. I personally think he has a mental health issue, but he is denying any sort of depression etc (even though I booked him appointments with our GP when we were together etc...). If he could behave and be honest and selfless, I'd have no doubt in my mind that he'd be a good dad, but constantly lying and playing games with me and son does not instil any confidence into me. No idea re PM.... I struggle to log into this website lol... xxIts good that you weren't married, if he wasn't with you at the registry office to name baby you basically hold all the cards, sounds horrible and I'm sure people will come online and have there say but basically if you're married and the father registers the name with you then he has 50% parental rights if not he has less and less, it's not fair on the dad but works in your favour.
Write all this down, every little thing, everytime he let your son down, everytime he put your son in danger write it all down with rough dates. Give it to your solicitor and say theres no way you would trust him with your son. Ask if it's possible for your son to have a say or at what age his thoughts are taken into consideration. Save all texts and facebook messages, tell your solicitor you can get statements off people saying what he is like. If he ever missed a payment make sure solicitor knows that as well. Ask the speech therapist if she would be prepared to write a report on how your son is after he's seen his dad. Go to your gp tell him how stressed this is making you, how unhappy your son is how you feel it's delaying him further and if he does have asd (autistic spectrum disorder) it's going to set him back further.
Tell your solicitor all of this and refuse access. Maybe at one point your ex will get help and become and better man and explain you wont stop paternal grandparents seeing your son but until your ex gets help your not willing to put your son at risk.
My son is nearly 3, sees speech therapist, senco, portage, health visitor and has been referred to assessment, they think he has asd but not severe. My ex was in the army, very similar to yours by the sounds of it. I ended up refusing to allow access, we were married he came with me to register name so he had half parental responsibility. If you tell solicitor you will send photos, school reports and if your ex gets help maybe at some point you would let him into your sons life. You never know it might happen.
Note from Moderator i have edited your contact details from this post it is against forum rules to post personal details.
Hi Flapjack i'm glad to hear that your son is in better place, and that your doing all that you can to get the support that he needs, it also sounds like your solicitor has got things under control, have you spoken with your solicitor about the likelihood of your ex going for a contact order? if not it might be worth asking what the procedure would be.
What about support for you? who is there for you?
Hi, so sorry to hear what u and ur son are going through. Your ex sounds similiar to mine- manipulative liar with psych tendencies!!
This is what i did- i got an injunction to stop him from coming near me, abusing me, threatening me or coming near whre i lived with the children. I got a residency order because there was a risk of abduction. I arranged contact through a contact centre which is ongoing at the moment. Im recording any changes in childrens behaviour to mention when i go court when its being reviewed. Ive had to pay for all this even though i cant really afford it!! I applied for legal aid and get a small contribution towards my legal costs. You should apply even if it means u have to pay towards ur costs, its better to get proper leagl advice every step of the way and take ur solicitor with u court at every hearing. you need to get an injunction to protect urself and ur son from any threats or abusive behaviour.
Hi Flapjack, did you read the link of the ACPO's Policy for police who commit domestic violence related criminal offences? It states that they define this for anyone who uses threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between adults who are or who have been intimate partners.
Also....
The Human Rights Act 1998 gives effect to the European Convention of Human Rights in domestic law. It includes positive obligations on the part of public bodies to safeguard an individual’s right to private and family life free from violence and intimidation. The European Court of Human Rights has made it clear that the police and other agencies with special powers to protect individuals from violence can be held liable for failure to use those powers. These obligations are clearly applicable in cases where police officers are alleged to have committed domestic violence-related criminal offences.
Your ex is currently breaking the law by intimidating and threatening you (scaring you) and it is his forces duty to be dealing with him. I think you need to report him to his boss.
Hi chocolate81, welcome to this thread 
, it sounds as though you have been through an awful lot and are coming through the other side, well done you. It will be good for others to hear of your experiences and the support that you can offer as from your message it sounds as though you can see the light at the end of the tunnel?
Im not sure if i can see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet but things are very slowly getting resolved, but it seems that i get one thing resolved and then he throws another spanner elsewhere!!
i just kind of plod on day by day!!
Flapjack- i got the injunction mainly because of threats and verbal abuse and psychological, so u dont have to have a list of physical abuse
Hi All
Anna, yes, I read the link re domestic violence etc. Its really interesting, but I hit my head when I spoke to his boss, to the point that I nearly swore at him. lol
His boss was very unhelpful. Refused to confirm/deny there was an investigation and basically told me that if i wanted to discuss it with anyone, then to go to the police complaints commission. Helpful huh!?
My solicitor has suggested keeping all the details and threats etc and when the time is right to go to the police complaints commission. She's concious that if we do it now, it could cause more of an issue with the upcoming court case. Previously, I didn't want to complain about something which could have held some truth - had there been a police investigation, I'd have looked really silly complaining about something that they were looking into.
Part of me doesn't like the idea of messing his career up, I'm a believer in karma and getting him into trouble isn't my idea of fun... and given the amount of bad luck I've had since having my son - its just been crisis after crisis - grandparents dying, buying a rotten house, my car breaking, threats of redundancy, bullying at work, mum being ill, son being continuously ill, me having a slight nervous breakdown etc etc etc. I guess the problem is, that at the bottom of my stomach, he's my son's dad and the man that I loved and I wouldn't want to be treated like it. I know I sound like a silly sap. God, I make myself cross, even my solicitor doesn't understand how i can be so nice about him. lol
Regarding who looks after me..I'm still living with my parents. THey are great.. although I feel so unfair putting this on them. We have enough on our plate with my "housing project" and my son who is a bit of a handful and everything else.
I've had a really bad nights sleep, last night I went through all the print outs of text messages, my transcripts of telephone calls and meetings getting it all into some semblance of order to take to my solicitor for when the court order comes in.
My head just whirls and I end up having nightmares about him, but there's no other time for me to do it except after my son has gone to bed. I know I'm going to need to be really prepared as I get the impression that my solicitor is intimdated by his.... arrrgh. She's suggesting a barrister for the first court session - she's only spoken to him once.
Also, one of my concerns about reporting him is getting him the sack and then him using that against me - i.e. he's at home all the time, so wouldn't need my parents to "babysit" son, or during holidays have him the entire time. This would be my worst nightmare. He'd love the idea of me having to hand over our son and even better, having to give him the CSA money, etc... I don't mean that horribly, but its the way his mind works.
He's a prolific depressive and believes in wrapping children up in cotton wool.
One visit to a ball park (when son was 2.5) with son made son scared to go on a slide for over 6 months... because dad was all "be careful, dont do this, be careful of that"... even at the contact centre, (as a 4 year old), they have an internal slide its not even the same height as me (probably about 5ft high) but he was telling son to be careful and not go up it... Arrrrgh.
He's a boy, he's going to climb, he's going to fall down/off things. its what kids do. Even feeding the ducks, dad won't let him near the water. Don't get me wrong, i'm not going to feed HIM to the ducks, and I recognise accidents happen... BUT, its learning isn't it - kids go near water, it doesn't mean the water is going to jump out and drown him. Had I let him run down to the pond on his own, feed the ducks and I was sitting in my car a mile away, i could understand.
Hi Flapjack, thank you for giving us more of an insight. I think it is appalling that his boss was no help whatsoever, as the Policy states that they are obliged to protect you from intimidation, I guess it depends on what your solicitor suggests or how much more you can handle, but I would be inclined to contact the neighbouring force. It is not ok that you are not being heard.
As for you not wanting to get him 'into trouble' this is a natural state of mind for someone who has lived with a controlling partner, so although I understand what you say (I have been there), it is not logical and it is all part of what he has led you to think whilst you have been with him.
Controlling people can often be miscontrued as overprotective, which sounds like your ex from your post.
I am really sorry to hear that you have been having bad nights sleep, it is unsurprising considering all that you are going through, however I am pleased to read that you are staying at your parents, as hopefully this gives you some strength and I am sure they wouldn't have it any other way.
When the thoughts arise in the middle of the night, one thing that Louise suggests is imagine a box and put him and/or the thoughts in the box and close it firmly, add a padlock if it helps. You will have plenty of time to consider everything the next day and you need your sleep to give you strength.
Hello Flapjack, just to add that I had a barrister during my divorce too, as then the other party can be asked direct questions by the barister, rather than the two solicitors "presenting" the case to the judge and only the judge asking the questions.
Logically, if the complaint was upheld and he lost his job, then it is unlikely he would then get loads of time with your son (as he had that allegation proved against him)
One day at a time, and yes try the idea about sleeping that Anna has mentioned above
Dear Flapjack welcome to One Space
I absolutely love your name, but I am very sorry to read your story. It is heartbreaking watching our children be manipulated and twisted by an abusive man.
Have you been in touch with your local Womens Aid? (click to find one near you or you could call 0808 2000247 where they can direct you - this is a free phone call available 24 hours) You definitely need to seek some face to face support with this. It sounds as though you are very aware how he is using his authority and status to continue to abuse you and your son, but because of his profession specialist advice would be useful.
Have you spoken with your solicitor about this? You may be interested in getting some confidential email advice from our Legal Expert on how to move forward with this.
When your son shows signs of distress, he really needs you to be firm, focussed and strong. Allow him to say what he needs, assure him that everything will be ok, but then move on, perhaps pull out his favourite toy, or curl up and watch a DVD together. Try hard not to let him see how much this distresses you. Come on here and let it all out in a safe place.
From what you have said, I am taking it that you are keeping notes on every interaction you have with your ex, the texts that he has sent and the letters. If not please start to do this and be vigilant in doing it, this information may prove to be very useful if you need to go to court.
You might be interested in reading this Policy regarding Police Officers who commit Domestic Violence related crimes.
I am not currently in the office, but I think I have some information for wives/ex wives of policemen who are abusive, I will have a look and get back to you tomorrow.