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Help...please...
I have a three year old son. He is currently under a consultant who is looking into whether he has autism, but due to his age, diagnosis is rather slow. My little boy has very strong OCD tendancies, is very reliant on routine, very sensitive and if the routine breaks down then he suffers and becomes very unmanageable and aggressive.
His dad left us in October last year, basically, he just walked out the door and moved in with a female work colleague. He saw my son three times in November, December and January. Each time, he had an excuse as to why he couldn't stay longer than an hour and a half, he kept disappearing to have a drink, go to the toilet etc and "pushed back" my son onto me as he had always done throughout our relationship. The last visit, he was trying to get me to give my permission to let him pick my son up and take him out on his own after nursery, and because I dared to mention that I didn't want his new girlfriend having access to our son, he threatened to knock me about. He had never been abusive in the relationship, but could be very intimidating. My reason for not wanting him to be out on his own with him is that my ex hardly ever looked after our child when we were together, the several occassions I left them alone together, he would be calling me within 10 mins and asking me how long I was going to be and be very nervous and aggressive when I got back. And, he wouldn't even pick his son up from nursery and feed and bath him without me being there.
In the 9 months since he left, he has had about 10 "phone" conversations with our son, these ended when our son apologised to his daddy for being naughty, he had decided that his bad behaviour was the reason why his daddy had gone away. With that, my ex stopped all the phone calls (February/March time).
During the last 9 months, I have received text messages (generally at midnight) insinuating that he is going to commit suicide, asking me for money (because he is a prolific gambler), telling me he has attempted suicide and is on anti-depressants, threatening me with court action for my son, threatening to have my son taken away from me, he has had us made homeless because he terminated the terms of our lease. The new line is emotional blackmail that because he is in so much debt, he is going to be made bankrupt and he's going to lose his job which means I will lose the money he pays me towards H's nursery care. And, he still texts me to say that he loves me a lot...yuck.
What is very frustrating is that I repeatedly paid up his debts over and over again, I went back to work after 6 months maternity leave because I couldn't rely on him and given that our son was a poorly child from birth, this actually exacerbeted his ill health.
I'm not saying that I am innocent in all this, I have wound him up in the past due to my emotions, I was devastated by him leaving, but in the last few months I have tried to be reasonable with him. Since March, he has asked twice if he can speak to my son, and twice if he can see him, but both times it has been on a Friday night and we have had arrangements for friends birthday parties, so its not convenient, so I have suggested alternative times, but I dont get any response from these.
Since the contact has been so sporadic I have asked my ex to come up with a plan of action as to contact i.e. a phone call every Sunday, visits once every three weeks or similar.
Given our son's personality and age, am I being reasonable in requesting something in writing? My ex promises that he is going to send me something, but nothing happens and then the cycle of abusive text messages start again a week later, ending in him feeling like committing suicide.... arrrgh.
I don't know what to do anymore, I have suggested mediation, or my parents meeting with him to hand my son over, I have suggested drop in centres. He doesn't want any of that, I think its really about making my life miserable because I'm not hassling him and telling him I want him back....
Hello nitalie10
Welcome to One Space.
You sound as if you have done really well with everything 
. Whatever your boy's dad threatens, please ignore it, it is not your responsibility if he feels suicidal, has debts, is on medication. The only truck you need to have with him is regarding arrangements for your son.
You say you have already suggested mediation and handover points and this has not received a positive response. My idea is to send one final letter saying you are concerned that there has been no consistency in his contact with his son and saying you have a number of suggestions, number them and list them (even though you have already said it all) Send him the letter and keep a copy. You then have a record of what has happened. Buy a notebook and record everything that happens including inappropriate texts and threats. Stay very calm.
As for the finances, do not let him control you like this. You will get a certain number of hours free care at nursery now your boy is three anyway and the rest can be paid for partly by Working Tax Credit if you work 16 hours a week, or your boy can go to nursery less if you do not work that many hours.
I would say, though, that it might not be possible to keep the new girlfriend out of the picture and unless you have concern that she may be violent or a substance abuser, it might be that your son would be better cared for if she was present? In any case, unless there is specific danger you cannot dictate who H's dad spends time with when he is with your son. Sad but true.
You say he wants to make your life miserable. Don't let him! Seize contol of this situation, you have enough on your plate looking after your son without having to deal with someone who will not deal with you in an adult way.
Thanks both of you. I think I just needed to vent it to someone other than my parents, who quite honestly would like to string this guy up....the ex made me homeless, so I'm currently living in their spare room in bunk beds - and as you can imagine, they hear everything that happens.. especially as a lot of my friends dumped me when I got pregnant.
I know that if i have it in writing he won't necessarily keep to it, but I felt that it would at least help me to some extent with moving on..currently I check my "dad phone" three times a day, solely because once I missed a text he sent and I had the police round looking for a missing child. Coppers apparently are the worse exes possible.. he twists the law, I say something and I get it twisted then I get told that its "noted" .. GRRRRR.
I'm petrified that he's going to get social services on me. Not that I'm a bad parent, I try my hardest and my little boy is the happiest, loveliest little boy that there is, he doesn't want for anything, and along with my parents, we are a really good network..but my ex hates my dad and would take delight in causing me hassle.
The three week suggestion only came because his shift pattern was a three week one, he could have chosen any time period he wanted.. but I get the impression that he just can't be bothered to do anything. i have suggested evenings, weekends etc, he doesn't want anything, well unless its impossible "I want him 3 days/nights a week" - erm, well, he lives 40miles away, H is in full time nursery (I work full time, and have a two hour daily commute) HOW DOES THAT WORK ?!?!
H was actually 2 1/2 when his dad decided to have these "telephone conversations" and due to my little boy having constant ear infections (he needed grommits) his speech was always muffled which meant that a telephone conversation consisted of me translating everything that was said, not that the father actually ACKNOWLEDGED me, it was SO painful, especially because it was so raw for me.. and when H decided that he didn't want to talk to his daddy, it was MY FAULT, and i got all the abuse and aggression. I have never bad talked his dad to him or around him. I'm very careful with that, but in my exes eyes, it was all my fault, nothing to do with the fact he couldn't stop lying, gambling, get out of bed or keeping it in his pants...
I've kept a note of EVERYTHING, the visits, the phone calls, the text messages, I have a phone with over 500 text messages from him ranging from "i love you" to "i hate you" to "i wanna die". When he walked out, I changed my number and gave him and his mother a separate sim card which they could contact me on so I didn't have to walk around with him in my pocket all the time.
My argument about the new girlfriend is that they had only been going out for 6 weeks when he wanted to introduce her, and considering he has two/three girlfriends on the go plus s3x website girls, I really didn't think (and still don't think) its appropriate for someone to be introduced if its not a stable relationship. I know my ex would flip out if I'd introduced a boyfriend to my son (even a stable one).
The number of times I've repeatedly said "this number is for H" if i had a £1 for each time, I'd be a millionaire..
I like the idea of a letter, I think I will try that one more time tonight...
Anyway, I've rambled on enough.. sorry..
Don't be sorry...
You know you're doing all you can, and that is the bit that matter, in my view.
Hi Nitalie10
I am sorry to read the emotional stress that your ex is putting you under. How did the letter writing go? Did you manage to state clearly what you wanted without any of the added emotional frustration in it. It is a good idea to re- read this a couple of times ensuring that you are stating facts, not your annoyance.
I understand you not wanting the new girlfriend around your son, however, as Louise said, unless she is violent or a drug user, there is little you can do about who your ex introduces your son to. That is one thing we just have to accept.
Am I right in thinking that he is a copper and he is trying to manipulate/frighten you into believing that HE is the law. As long as you trust you are doing the best by your son, I would try and ignore anything he says to make you believe otherwise.
You may consider contacting Womens Aid as his behaviour certainly sounds abusive and controlling, they have a 24 hour phone line or you can look for your local service. It might be helpful for you just to have an initial chat, so that you can get professional face to face support.
Don't worry about rambling, that's what we are here for, you are not alone!
Yep, his favourite phrase when we were together was "I am the law"...regarding anybody, not just me, if someone upset him in normal daily life he wouldn't forget that they had wronged him. I know that he has done checks on people that upset him, and he has told me previously that he has put tags on cars so that when they drive through check areas they will get pulled over, although, of course, I only have his word on this.
I'm on my second draft of the letter, the first one was charged with lots of emotion, the second one is almost there.. I'm going to rewrite it this weekend. I can be very hot headed (I'm almost a red head), which I know doesn't help, I'm very passionate and I give my all in everything I do.. which although has its plus points, also has lots of negative effects when I'm upset or hurt.
The new girlfriend doesn't seem to be an issue at the moment as H's dad hasn't seen him for 6 months, but what I can't seem to get into the blokes head is that my son doesn't deserve to receive one phone call and then nothing for another 3 months. I know what H is like and every time the phone rings it will be "is that my daddy", or we see a red VW car and its "that's my daddys car"..he has finally got over talking about his daddy, i just NEED my ex to understand that if he wants to play a part in my sons life, it has to be 100%. it can't be a phone call now and nothing for 3 months while he gambles himself into another depression.
The sad thing about all of this is that the only reason I am getting hassle at the moment is because he went home to see his adopted parents this weekend and I know they give him grief (they are catholic and like to believe they are very family orientated...although to be honest, not very good reliable parents/grandparents).
Regarding him being a policeman, he also reckons that he gets free legal advice for everything, and given that I earn reasonably good money and my flat isn't a dispute in the relationship (it was solely in my name) I don't qualify for ANYTHING legal aid wise, so its going to cost me an arm and a leg... Although, if this was the case regarding his free legal advice, I'd have thought that he would have already initiated court action.
I don't know... I just get so confused by him.
I think I will try the womans aid though.. thanks for that.
Good luck let us know how it goes with Womens Aid. You might be interested in contacting our 1-2-1 confidential email advice service, they can give you information on what money you may be entitled to regarding CSA from your ex and whether he really is entitled to free legal advice etc
Keep in touch, as I said earlier, we're here for you.
Thanks so much, will do!
I would doubt very much that he gets free legal advice, he may get some initial stuff free but certainly not a free solicitor in court etc. One thing I would suggest is that you get your child support agreed through the CSA. From personal experience I know that defaults on payment (which can lead to attachment of earnings orders) are things that do not impress police bosses, so he is likely to stick to an agreement if it is enforceable, to avoid hassle at work 
This would save all the financial threats to you too, although the job loss/bankruptcy threats are his own problem!
Re your own possible legal costs, get a quote from any solicitor you approach. You can find a local one here...but do get some Outreach support from Women's Aid too, as Anna suggests.
to give my ex credit the first 8 months, he had been good in his payments, he gave me just under half of Harry's nursery fees which was something we'd agreed when we were together due to his financial problems (although he reminded me monthly that it was above what the CSA would request him to pay, so he was doing me a favour ... I don't remember when I fell pregnant and carried my son with morning sickness daily for 9.5 months reminding him that I was doing him a favour every time i was sick 
...).
this month it went down £100 which he didn't tell me about and ignored my text message when I found out... I have a feeling that it is going to get worse in the next few months, so contacting the CSA is top of my list to do..
Hi nitalie10, your post made me laugh when you said your ex thinks that he was doing you a favour as he was paying some money towards his son life! What is funny too about this.....(and I hope you are laughing here).....is that you said at the beginning of your message 'to give my ex credit'!! Why are we giving him credit? For sticking to an agreement made when you were together? For paying less than half of your sons nursery fees? Hmmm, I am not sure how much credit is due here?
Hi Anna
You are totally right, and I am laughing...
In my mind as joint parents who chose to bring a child into the world, my ex and I should be splitting all costs 50/50 - nursery, food, clothes, toys, days out etc etc...as well as doctors visits, hospital visits, family holidays, swimming, zoo visits etc the good stuff as well as the bad. Unfortunately, my ex didn't even do the good stuff when he was in the family home, I have no chance now of getting him to do his share of it when he's absent..
But, whenever I mention the money or his support, people tell me "well, you are lucky he's giving you what he is giving you, its more than the csa would give you"... or "well, my ex gives me nothing" etc .. it makes me feel like I should be giving him the credit and obviously worship the ground he walks on. And I think that is part of my frustration. Personally, I feel the CSA has a lot to answer for in giving the absent father an excuse not to provide half the funding for their children.
And, I know I'm making HUGE generalisations here, but I have three friends that are all going through the same thing as me at the moment and they hear the same broken record excuses of what the CSA should make them pay...
END OF MY RANT OF THE DAY.... lol.. 
Hi nitalie. Some of your posts have me giggle, (and I needed that today). You're sounding more and more positive about things, that's great to 'hear'. I think the CSA is a good step. I know someone whose ex is in the Firebrigade, and apparantely the Police and Firebrigade really don't like it when one of their men/women don't pay up for their children!! I know he is paying something, but dropping your money without any warning isn't good whatsoever, and like you say, you have a feeling it's going to get worse.
Good luck. xx
Hi natalie10
Welcome and nice to meet you.
Sounds like your having a really hard time and these guys on here will give you all the emotinal support possible.
I really havent had to deal with the csa as in i only get 5pound a week for are 3 children as there abscent mother does not and will not work and does not contribute to there up keep but thats the law and theres nothing you can do about it in my case.
If you ex partner has a well paid job and you aint getting any money from him and have no agreed payment i would contact csa and get them to work out what you are owed.
stuart
Hazeleyes, glad I made you laugh. Yes, I'm feeling a lot more positive since Thursday.
Hi Stuart, wow, three children on your own. One child is a handful for me.. how on earth do you do it?! It sucks
Can you believe that three months on, I'm still having the same issues with SD.
In July, I decided to tell him I was terminating the "dad phone" since he'd dropped my maintenance (sorry, nursery fees) and I said I just couldn't keep running a phone - I gave him my parents (where i live) homeline...quite honestly, the emotive text messages were completely ridiculous, and he'd begged me for more of my savings and telling me he was gonna be made bankrupt if i didn't help him..
Because of the phone being cut off he finally sent me a recorded delivery letter with his "mission statement" of contact for our boy. This was SO vague and basically saying "i wanna see him, I love him, I wanna speak to him every other day, I want him the weekends, I want to take him on holiday" etc (uuurmmmm... try actually speaking to him first...).
So, I responded, although it did take me a few weeks to do this - I was very busy at work/holidays and family illness .. plus, I really didn't want to respond :-)
I suggested that we tried weekly phone calls first of all - since he had suggested every other day, (he hadn't spoken to him since February and I thought this would be a bit overwhelming for my boy as well as very restricting on my life having to be home on time every other day of the week...). He accepted this and since then we've had 4 (yes FOUR) phone calls.
Now on call 3 my darling son decided to "show" his dad a picture (he's 3 and doesn't get that you can't see down the telephone phone...) that he'd drawn of himself .. .and he told his dad that it was him .. ."its me...." with his name and surname (which he'd learnt that week at preschool) crystal clear down the line.. CRINGE... I had never told the SD that I'd changed his name... seriously, I could have quite happily killed my son. (SD had signed a letter confirming i could change his name, but I never told him I'd actually done it for fear of reprisals..)
So, straight after the phone call, I receive an email (the texts have now become emails...) telling me he'd die happy if he could have one cuddle with his son, his little angel sent from heaven blah blah blah. and, had i actually changed his name (not to trick me or anything, just so he knows who to send cards to....). Oh, and not forgetting that he of course, still wants to be friends with me, he doesn't regret me or anything just the way it ended...
So obviously I answered saying I had done the name change, in accordance with his permission. And offering him this Sunday as a supervised visit, and that he could either try to get a contact centre (not sure if they are open sundays/available at such short notice) or we could go to our local indoor activity centre - id have a coffee and they could play.. is that reasonable?! I thought so, I'd sought legal advice and they'd suggested supervised visits were the norm - he hasn't seen our son since January .. so it would be a good way of reintroducing them.
Now, would you not be thrilled at the prospect of seeing this "angel from heaven".. best thing since sliced bread?! Would you not be kissing your exes feet (prehaps not, he has seen my feet but you know what i mean lol) and saying yes, I'll be there....
Apparently not. Instead, I got told I'm offensive, aggressive and insulting. WTF?!?! And, he wants confirmation of where I'm living (his mother called on our house phone and i was at the gym, my mum was really polite, had a lovely chat, but because it was 9pm and the 3 year old was in bedand mum clearly wasnt there, we've obviously moved on).. and because he has parental responsibility and its his RIGHT TO KNOW where he/we live.. (didn't think of that when he made me homeless at xmas...lol) and he's through with trying to make contact and being reasonable with me, its court all the way now. Oh, and he's now threatening to cancel the phone calls.
Arrrgh.. basically, I've come to the conclusion that he's a waste of space, and unless I'm playing exactly the ball game he wants (and I still haven't figured out what that is..) I'm never going to make him happy...
Sorry its long...
Hello nitalie10
The main thing to do is to stay really calm. You have done what is reasonable and the best thing to do is to keep a record with dates and what went on and copies of emails and texts in case these are needed further down the line.
Children your son's age need consistency and routine and that is what you are providing. it may be that he will now take legal advice. If he signed to give you permission to change your son's name then you were within your rights.
Just stay cool and believe in yourself. If he goes to court then CAFCASS (the court family oficers) will interview all concerned and you can show that you are willing to negotiate provided that your son is safe and happy You may get an invite to mediation next, as the courts like you to have tried this at first but do check the cost of this before doing it as it can be expensive
Thanks Louise, I've been really good, I've downloaded everything onto a USB port, I even record the phone calls since he once accused a family member (my mum) of being abusive and she wasn't even in the house!
I've suggested mediation, but I think his issue is that he can't look me in the eyes because he has been lying about me to everyone about the state of our relationship... - its like he doesn't know where the lie begins or where it ends, because he tells me things about our relationship and Im like "WHAT?! Where was I in this argument ... I defo wasn't the one attacking you" lol..
If he takes me to court (which doesn't bother me in some senses, because its been 11 months of him playing games with me trying to always pacify him and I'm fed up with that) does that mean i have to pay all my costs as someone told me that I wouldn't be liable for it and that he would be? I don't qualify for legal aid, and I'm desperate to buy a house so we can move out my parents and move on with our lives, obviously I dont want to pay out thousands that I've worked hard to save.
hi nitalie welcome to this site it is good . yes it is funny how they change my ex did use violience and he is under bail at this min . he had hit me be but i stayed as i loved him but this time he went off had affair to whom he is still with her but yes he would come back and because the kids had played up reading on your posts i can see that they were always having to say sorry or promise to be good . bothy my kids have asked never to see his new bit but that could change with me then i know they will go mad .
when they start their new life its like we are the ones having to go careful with them they do go through mood swings and alot of that is to do with their gulit i think and they cant deal with what they have done plus they are trying to push the blame on us so it makes it easier for them if that makes sense . its funny how when you plan to have a child they are there but the min they leave they only want them afew hours if the kids are luckly and always on their terms niot the kids if they want more they are pushed away this is so unfair .
i agree with u yes they should help more mine pays for the house but gives me nothing towards the kids uniforms trips of beavers or cubs funds !! their lives have to go on too
this site is good vent out as much as you like i have mine left me may this year so we are all going through or have gone through different stages
Thanks shaz5, wise words
Nitalie10 if he takes a court action then he pays the cost for that. However, if you get a solicitor for yourself then you must pay their fees. It is understandable with the scariness of "court" that we employ solicitors but you don't always need one, especially as a case such as we are talking about is fairly likely to be adjourned at the first hearing, for CAFCASS reports. The judge might even "order" you to mediation, in which case he would either have to do that or drop the case.
If he takes legal action, you could go and see a solicitor for a "fixed fee" interview. The first 30 minutes are often free but check when you book.....However, my experience is that this 30 minutes is very quickly eaten away with takling ID from you, asking about the problem etc, and so you could go to this first one and then ask for a fixed fee interview about the problem. You would need to be quite assertive to inisit on this, I believe, as obviously the solicitor will prefer your business at their hourly rate
Hi Nitalie10,
just read your thread and it sounds a bit familiar. My first (now x) husband did similar stuff, I had phonecalls at all hours, so I changed the number. He was sometimes abusive on the phone, sometimes he said he'll always love me, he loves the children and then promptly 'forgot' all the birthdays and then had a go at me for not reminding him (ha!). He went off the radar for a while and suddenly phoned saying he'd had a nervous breakdown (I didn't have time for a nervous breakdown myself), then he said he was in hospital and on his deathbed and could I bring the children to say goodbye (i checked. he wasn't in a hospital), he'd say he'd get them taken away, and he made us homeless, and and and... So I know where you're coming from!
When he disappeared for a while and then suddenly wanted to see the children again, I said only supervised and he'd have to go to the local contact centre to see them and if he didn't like that he'd have to go to court. He complied for a while and then stopped coming. At some point I got a text from him, saying he was taking me to court, so I asked the mediation people to invite him to a meeting - this way I was a step ahead of him and any court would see I'd done everything I could - but he declined that. He never took me to court. At the moment the CSA have a court order on his salary. I have no idea where he lives. The children stopped asking after him when I married my second husband.
So, if you keep control, stay calm (even though I'd be shaking in my boots after a phonecall of threats of social services etc.), and try to stay one step ahead (see the mediation thing), he will soon learn that he is not in control anymore and either buck up his ideas or give up entirely.
Big hug to you through all this upheaval! xx
Thanks all for your replies.
Louise, that makes so much sense re paying for court, most of my friends qualify for legal aid and every benefit under the sun, and they give me all these "facts" and I'm like WTH?! I just can't believe what they say because its not been "easy" for me..
My friend said to me last weekend "why dont you apply for housing benefits, i get £600/month on housing, you'll easily get that.." hmmm..not if you live in the real world... or at least my world lol.
I found out last night that SD's actually gone on holiday with his new g/friends family.. nice.. lol. Lucky him being able to afford it/or more likely them paying for it... I guess perhaps making myself almost bankrupt is the way forward hehe. And obviously a holiday is much more important than a son... I only hope he does to her family what he did to mine, spend the whole week moaning about having a cold, refusing to get out of bed then calling my dad a c*/t for no reason...
Every time I get a text suggesting suicide by him I rub my hands in glee... ;-) if anything else, when/if it comes to cafcass I can at least suggest that he's an unstable creature, don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete cow, I do feel sympathy but the last 11 months have been the most miserable of my life, I've had very sick grandparents, my son's had an operation, now my mum is being tested for cancer, my dad's had a bit of a breakdown and I'm having an awful time with work yet I'm supposed to care about him?!
I could quite easily have walked away from everything so many times... so hearing about his rubbish just makes me smile.
I'd say I'm sure the court threat is just another threat to make me scared, but I'm not sure, he has surprised me by calling for 4 weeks on my house phone, something he swore he'd never do.. (although the last call it was clear he was bored and wanted to be off the phone..
but, for the first time in 11 months I'm not scared, I finally feel like I'm taking back my life, I've started job hunting, been going to counselling and started back at the gym all in the last month and I must admit, today is the best I've felt for ages. I feel happy just being me, and given all the rubbish I've got going on, and we're still waiting for my mum's test results, even my panic attacks have stopped
Good for you, nitalie10
and I'm so glad the panic attacks have stopped.
Hi Nitalie10, You have a lot going on at the moment...but glad to hear that you have been feeling better...panic attacks are horrible,so I'm glad they've stopped for you..
Hi there
I am currently writing the Freedom Programme to go online and I think everyone in this discussion thread would benefit from it! It is a programme for survivors of abuse and violence, physical, verbal or mental to understand the tactics of the abusor.
To get a taster have a read of The 'good' father and the 'bad' father, I am sure you will all recognise your ex's in this article!
Let me know what you think!
hi anna i have just read that link and yes i saw my ex brought me too tears
That's a really interesting article.. my ex wasn't physically abusive, but was mentally, and it picks up on so many points like the "babysitting", I never conciously noticed everything he was doing.
As a police officer, he was at home a lot during the week, he never once said "I'll pick our son up after nursery and look after him till you get home, give your parents a break"... it was "oh, I've been sleeping" (and that was the tip of the iceberg). Funny thing is, he now apparently "wants" to do this, and I've put my foot down - my son goes to school in September and absolutely loves pre-school (he cheers when he knows he's going :-) ) and I want stability and consistency in his life, and this would not happen if he were to start interfering in my and my son's routine! - I've not said "no contact"..I've just said there are other, better times which do not affect me and my career (I'd be a bundle of nerves if he was taking him out during the working hours).
Dreading tonight though, I haven't heard from the sperm donor since last tuesday's tirade of how obnoxious I am, and today is phone call day...and my panic attacks are back. Arrrgh. I think its the anticipation of whether he is going to call, or whether he will completely ignore me and just insist on speaking to our son. Hmm.. will be interesting though, cos I need to tell him a) his son is going to see a consultant at hospital (as a courtesy) and b) we're off on holiday next week so the phone call will be handled differently....
Yes, if you can think of a "script" for a phone call then that can help, especially if you write it down and have it in front of you. Another tip I have found to work is to stand up while you are making the call, helps you feel more assertive.
If you find the whole thing stressful then by all means tell him you want to set some ground rules for the weekly calls, that the only subject is matters to do with your son (FACTUAL ones, not "I want to pick him from nursery and you're not letting me cos you are a *****")
Honestly, nitalie10 I have lost count of the parents I have seen over the years that happily sail along with little involvement and then as soon as a separation happens, suddenly they want to be involved on a massive scale. Of course this can benefit the child as they sometimes become a more involved parent on a long term basis. There is a school of thought that says OK let them have more involvement then, and either they will BE that committed parent or they will realise they can't hack it and they they don't have a leg to stand on in disputes. But you have to be feeling pretty strong to take that one on!!!!
Thanks for the info about The Freedom Programme, Anna, I often think that one of the hardest aspects of abuse is that those it is happening to, do not realise what is going on.
Hi Louise, I completely agree with you re letting him go with it and then let him come a cropper or become a committed parent (I know I sound negative, but the bloke WILL come a cropper, he can't stick at anything.. but I really don't think its fair on the child). Having given the guy 3.5 years worth of chances, I'm sick to the core of him. Never mind.. my poor son will end up suffering, but what can you do..
Forget about me being assertive - my son is thriving on assertiveness "Daddy LISTEN TO ME... YOU'RE NOT LISTENING" hehe.. don't you love 3 year olds.
The SD tried to pull a fast one last night, I told him we were on holiday next week out of courtesy, so I'd phone him at 7pm rather than the other way round... he kept insisting that I tell him whether I am taking him abroad or not. Apparently (according to the law of the SD) I HAVE TO tell him whether I am taking him abroad or where we are going, when I pointed out that he happily gave me permission to take H anywhere for up to two weeks at a time without the need to discuss it with him and this was what I was doing he got really moody with me, but I held my own and was trying to be really polite and firm but not giving in, he finally confirmed that in fact I could take him away for up to four weeks (which I confirmed I knew anyway) he finally shut up and sent me an apologising text message for being so rude.. which I ignored. Loving the power assertiveness is giving me..
Hi nitalie10.
I am pleased to announce that the Freedom Programme is now live in the Your Learning part of the site!
It sounds as though you are doing really well. Keep strong, boundaries are so important.
Do you think you will do the Freedom Programme?
Hi
You're doing all you can.
You cannot make him be the Father you want him to be to your son. Also, as my ex found it difficult to cope with my third child (autism/aspurger's), I can understand the frustrations there.
Personally, I think three is very young to be expected to have a telephone conversation. My son is now 15 and there are days when he won't answer the phone, and rarely will he speak to anyone on it.
Ideally, his Father seeing his son weekly would be better than three weekly - even if its for a short time. But even if you have this in writing, it doesn't mean that he'll stick to it.
What I did with The Git, as he was cancelling more or less every contact time was by telling him (in writing) to text the day before he could see the children. I never told the children though until about half an hour before he was due. That way they were thrilled when their Dad turned up rather than the anger and distress when he didn't. Perhaps this may work for you?
I do think its worth a go though telling him that the only contact you want from him is if it is specifically about your son. Perhaps you can tell him you will switch your phone on for an hour each evening, and he'll need to text you then.
And then you can get a new sim-card and not give the new number to him.
Keep a record of when he does contact you, and if you're able to download the text messages onto your computer.
All these are only thoughts.
I used to pay off The Git's debts. In fact, I had to put my wages into the cupboard so he could use my money - he earned £2000 a month back then. Having control over your own budget is so good...
Good luck with things.