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Hi
I've just had a dreadful afternoon with my son. I have a daughter who is 10, and son is 8 in two weeks time. I have a shared care arrangement in place with dad, 4 days with me, 3 days with him. This is not at ALL as easy as dad refusues to communicate with me unless he wants to criticise me or swear at me on the odd occasion. Anyway, my son plays on the nintendo wii too much at present, he also has an xbox at dads and plays on age 15 games (wrestling,Batman etc) when he is there too. He seems reluctant to want to do ANYTHING else I ask of him. The problem started this afternoon as he had been on it for over 1 hour and I have tried to allow only half an hour each on it. (My daughter very rarely gets a look in though). I switched it off at the mains after asking him to come off it. He pushed the tv over, got scissors and cut the wire (not live) to the wii sensor bar - totally ruining it. Then saw it was part of the wii and realised he had ruined one of his things and cried. He then trashed the living room, plant thrown, picture frame broke, library books ripped, soil everywhere, ran outside jumped on the roof of the car to try and dent it (luckily he is light!), cut his sisters things up, threw dinner on floor. You get the picture. During this I have watched him as he turns on me if I stop him. He jumped on me and pulled my hair etc.
It is changeover day today, unsure if this has any bearing on anything. His relationshp with his older sister is not nice at the minute, although they are very close as they have had to be. She is on the receiving end of his anger most days, he jumps on her,takes things off her etc. This visit he has been particularly bad with her. I have to pull him off her alot of the time. I have asked her if he acts like this at dads, and she said not as bad, but she has got bruises on her thigh and back where he kicked her off the bed at dads house. In the past he has got the kitchen knife out the drawer and ran upstairs with it, not knowing what to do with it, but I have had to wrestle it off him a couple of times.Not done this for ages now and I forgot he had done this actually!! His anger is there at dads, but I don't think half as bad. I have tried to put consequences in place, and he just gives me a consequence back. It is becoming very hard to look after him here as he won't wear any new clothes I buy him or try any new foods. At dads he doesnt seem to have many boundaries at all, they stay up late etc. At mine I try to have boundaries in place for them so they know where they are.
I took them to dads and phoned them earlier. Son won't even talk to me hardly when he is there. Daughter said that dad hadn't said anything to son at all about it, not told him off. This is the usual way things are unfortunately.
I am worn out with it, and everywhere is cleaned up now, but I cannot afford to replace things. In a way I am glad the wii is out of the way as that is where it all started. I don't know who to contact about this. Any ideas would be much appreciated.
Hi again Jack. Have you looked at this? I have taken it from One Space, (on the left) Getting your child to co-operate here We all know sometimes how hard this is too!!
Hello Jack
Poor you, you must feel despairing at times, and the feeling I got from your post is that it is hard for you to have any sense of "control". THIS is what you need to have, you are the adult not a victim of your son's tantrums. This behaviour is completely unacceptable under any circumstances
Hazeleyes has given you some great links, Parentline, now called Family Lives provides a Helpline when you need to let it all out (maybe not in front of your son though 
) and the article about co-operation is helpful, as is this one about Disciplining your child on your own. It is hard when their dad does not communicate with you or have the same parenting rules but the first step is to get things in place in your OWN house rather than worrying about that at the moment. He will soon learn that whatever happens at Dad's house, there are different rules at Mum's.
Ok so the aim is initially for you to regain control in your household. The playing on the Wii and Xbox is obviously a very big attraction for your son. I used to issue my boy with tokens (buttons) that were worth half an hour each, on a weekly basis. In this way he could see that there was a finite number of hours that he could play. He could, however, "win" extra tokens by specific good behaviours (think of a positive behaviour you would like to see, such as come to meals on time, hang up school coat when he comes in, or leave the bathroom clean) Conversely, bad behaviour could result in confiscation of some tokens. As in the article, stay calm and warn calmly of this. Yes you might have to end up unplugging an item or storing it in the car boot.
As well as the consequences above, do remember what the article says about praise, we cannot praise our children enough...Ok sometimes it is hard to find anything to praise at all, but remember we can praise them for being as well as doing, in other words yes we can say "Well done, you cleared the dinner table and that is a really big help" but we can also say "I love it that you have such a nice smile" or "I always look forward to seeing you" (NEVER add a "but" even if that's what you're really thinking )
There's a lot to digest here, Jack and is does mean you have to be strong and calm but thinking about boys in particular, the work you put in now will pay dividends as he approaches the dreaded puberty
Jack, just to add that I'm thinking of you. How awful for you to be going through this.
...and just to add that children are not angry for no reason. Once you have regained control you can get the bottom of why he feels like this.
Hi
Thanks for posts. I have contacted parentline yesterday evening after they had gone to dads, as I was sad for son and worn out for all of us. It worries me that he does this. Hazeleyes, I am thinking of speaking to GP to see if they can offer anyone for him to talk too as he doesn't know why he feels angry. I feel bad that it is more at my house rather than dads. I know he enjoys doing the 'physical' things like football etc but sadly I don't have the time after school to go and kick a ball outside and release some energy with him, as I am doing homework with daughter and preparing tea etc. I do lots with him 1-1 when daughter goes to guides etc, but I can't always give him my undivided attention. I do stay calm and praise him also, as underneath he is my little boy still 
. He comes to me for lots of cuddles in the day, and daughter sometimes can't get a look in as he gets on my knee first and pushes her away. Overall, I am worrried he is expressing himself like this. I will try to get some 'control' back and use the token thing you suggest Louise. I am dealing with this on my own because at dads it is different for him, and I know dad will not say anything to him, or support me about what has happened at my house. They have different lives at dads obviously, so there is no continuity for them in the week. The only 'shared' in our 'shared care' arrangement is literally the clothes they arrive/leave in, which is another problem......
Hi Jack, thanks for sharing what is going on for you. It sounds like tough times with your son. Not only for you, but for your daughter too and actually your son.
You say that you don't understand why he gets angry like this rather than at his dads, I would say that because he can....not that this means he can get away with it at yours, but because he is in a safe environment.
It makes me wonder what sort of things are going on at his dads. Does your daughter enjoy herself there? Your ex sounds like he might be a tad controlling? It must hurt your son to hear/see/sense his fathers attitude towards you.
I wonder if you might consider contacting Womens Aid? I feel that you could do with the support and actually your son could too, they would direct you your local organisation where you could get further help.
Hi Anna
I was afraid you might say something along those lines. Deep down I worry that my son has no respect for me or his sister as I am constantly reminding him he should love his sister as she loves him, and that boys shouldn't hurt girls. My daughter doesn't really enjoy it at dads, and it breaks my heart sometimes when she rings me from there upset. Though she still wants to go and she really tries to make dad have a good relationship with her for which she deserves a medal. I have contacted solicitor again very recently as I think the contact times need looking at again as they get older.
I wish I would have gone to Womens Aid months ago as things were worse then. There was a time he had them for 50% of the time, and he would not allow me to speak with them during 'his' time. Once my son was in hospital with asthma and I didn't know this until 24hrs after he'd been in. I got to the hospital to find my ex mother in law (I was only married for a year when he filed for divorce) next to his bed which is not a nice memory for me. The whole family are controlling and against me. They would have taken the shirt off my back if they could. I've had a really tough time with them.
Anyway daughter has just rang requesting I take a lunchbox over to dads as he hasn't one for tommorow. I knocked at the door and dad took things in and said daughter was busy, however, I did get a wave from them both from their bedroom windows, which means my son has not fallen out with me!
It does get to me alot of the time that I dont have them more. I am very close to them, and do grieve this as it it a loss for me.
Hi Jack. That is absolutely awful, your son being in hospital, and you not knowing for 24 hours later. Disgraceful on ex's part. I cannot imagine how you felt at that time.
I can't begin to understand what it must be like, you having the children for four days, and then them going to ex's for 3. How long has the arrangement been like this?
I am so pleased that both children gave you a wave at the window. They love you very much. Take care
Jack, it is not too late to contact Womens Aid, I feel that your son may benefit from the support that they could offer to him as well as for yourself.
Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It is run for survivors of domestic abuse. It is a 12 week programme where you can learn all about the effects of having an abusive partner has on yourself and your children. I highly recommend it. I have delivered this programme many times and see women completely turn their lives around.
Anybody having to deal with a controlling person, I believe, needs professional support, it is not something that is easy to do on your own, especially if you have been manipulated by this person before.
It is your son's natural instinct to trust you, he doesn't hate you, even if his behaviour suggests otherwise, it does sound though that he is a little confused.
There is lots more I can say here, but I think it would be great if you could make initial contact with womens aid and then we can go from there. Will you call them or your local organisation?
Hi Hazeleyes, Anna
Thanks for replies. The arrangement has been gong for about a year and a half. Cafcass were involved as my solicitor advised me to contact them regarding the 'old' arrangements, unfortunately they tended to support dad, even though I raised the issues about their care in dads time originally. I think dad did a good job a putting across what a good father he is etc, and they certainly liked the fact that he wanted them for half the time. He has a good job and a supportive family which looked good to the cafcass officer involved. A year and a half down the line my children have had to get used to three different girlfriends and their families in their lives, staying at grandparents instead of dads regularly, and his flirty behaviour with each of these girls! He is always out with his new girlfriend and I don't think this does the children much good either as my daughter especially thinks dad chooses his gf over her sometimes. His parents have collected my children from me when they have been crying before 
. They stay there overnight each week. Horrible. Basically, I do not know if this is about maintenance payments deep down, as my ex would rather die than pay me any more maintenance than the bit he does already. I tend to think that although I am not with them for three days, its the children that do the difficult part. So I try to help them with their situation. Lots of hugs, cuddles etc. I think this arrangement has made it difficult for me to be strict with them too. They do take advantage sometimes as children do, and are awful to me sometimes! Dad has been a real pro at making himself out to be the good person, and me the bad one to the children and lots of people, parents at school etc. When I told him the contact times need re-arranging he sent me a text saying he would contact camht, and social services!! Lame threats I know, but this is what he is like unfortunately. I feel personally they need someone 'neutral' to show them that it's not right to be 'turned against' the other parent. I can't wait for the day until they are old enough to see what is really happening..
I will contact Women's Aid to see if they will talk with the children and me. I wish someone was on my side.
We are with you, and Women's Aid will be, too
Hi Jack, like Louise says, we are all here for you too. One day your children will also see through this man, and realise what he is like. The 10 year old already expresses her opinions, but unfortunately he doesn't seem to be listening.
What are your plans for the weekend? Do you get the children back today?
Hi
I get them back tommorow Hazeleyes . Which I can never wait for! I usually spend Saturday's tidying round preparing for them to come back. When they get back, they are usually tired and quiet for the first hour or so.... then they are back to themselves again. I know my ex is controlling, and I can see how he manipulates the kids too. One day, as you say, they will see this and make their own minds up. It is still hard sometimes, and I am proud of myself at how I am coping with it, and proud of my kids too. Thanks to you all for the support as I have my despairing moments and I will continue to use Onespace. It is great support xxx
Hi Jack. Hope you have a lovely weekend with them. Are you completely mad, tidying before they come back hehe. Take care. xxx
Hi Hazeleyes,
It's the only day I do any cleaning. But the next four days is spent with them 
xxx
I used to do my cleaning on a Friday, so I could have all weekend with my son, but now I volunteer at his school all day Friday's and Wednesday mornings, so now my cleaning gets done whenever!! Have been good today however (no school), so cleaned kitchen and bathroom, windows and all.
Have you been in the day to day chat room here We tend to post in there about anything and everything really. Come and join us anytime.
Hi Jack, I have been off for a few weeks and just catching up with messages on the boards.
How are things? Have you contacted Womens Aid?
How is your daughter? And your son?
Hi Anna
Things haven't been as bad, although last weekend he did go upstairs and take the scissors to my nightie 
. I will smile about this I'm sure in years to come!! But then he went on to mess up other things too. At this point I took him downstairs and shouted loudly at him as I had had enough. Its very tiring! After this, things have been much better between us. I told him I didn't want to shout at him, and that I love him etc. He said to me that he didn't want his mum and dad to split up, and I said that I don't really like it either. We are both probably grieving about the family situation. I have recently found out that he is also being left out with friends at school, so this could have an effect on things too.
I haven't been to Women's Aid due to lack of time, and I don't know if I should go or not. I am really undecisive about things at the minute. I am not feeling very strong. I probably do need some support with it all as I feel I am definitely grieving about all the losses I have had in the past three years - children included for nearly half the week!! Career went, family situation gone etc as they were all part of me.
I will give me and my son a bit more time, and if things don't change then I will definitely be seeking some support.
Good to hear from you Jack, please do keep posting as there is someone on here every day, even at weekends. Sounds as if you had a blow-up and things have simmered down, It is great that he has told you how he is feeling, I don't know if you have had chance to do this already but it is a good idea to say to him that it is Ok to feel sad and that you understand and it is fine for him to love his dad still and that does not upset you (even if it does) have a look at this article.
Hi Louise
Of course my son knows that it is ok for him to love his dad. I hope he does love his dad! He also knows that it is ok to feel sad thanks.
Hi Jack. Do you know why your son is being left out by friends at school? xx
I'm glad he's been talking to you about things a bit though.
So horrible having to cope with so much.
Hi Jacksparrow
That's excellent, it is very, very hard for some parents to accept that their child loves the other parent, you are unusual in that! I remember my own struggles as well so please do not be offended by the comment, it is really surprising how many parents have difficulty with it.
Hope you are having a good weekend.
Hi Jack, it is important that you do what you feel is within your boundaries to do.
However cutting up your mums nightie, is not acceptable behaviour. I understand that your son had a wobble, that he is sad about you and his dad and also that his friends may have fallen out with him, however, he does need to learn how to talk through his emotions rather than acting them out. For him to learn this may well need additional professional support.
You are not feeling strong at the moment and I completely understand that while things are ok at home, it is easier, nicer and safer, not to rock the boat, but please keep all your options open, even if it is just a couple of phone calls, so that you are one step ahead, if you feel that you do need that support.
Are you having a good week?
Hi Jack. It is nice to see you here. So sorry you are going through a nightmare time of it though with your son. His behaviour, as you know, is totally unacceptable, toward you and your 10 year old daughter. I have to say I find it shocking that their Dad doesn't do anything about it either, especially since your son is causing bruises etc to your daughter. When you give him a consequence, you do have to follow it through, regardless of whether he gives you a consequence back. Some of what he is doing, sounds a lot like anger issues, which is of course need to be dealt with asap. Have you spoken to your GP at all? Parentline? One of the members here gave me the link a few days ago, so you could always give them a call here
My son 8, 'trashed' my room a few months back. It wasn't on the same scale as your son, but I just wanted you to know, you're not alone. Your son is no doubt very mixed up, lashing out at the ones he loves, but he cannot carry on doing this. Not only could he seriously hurt someone, but also himself.
Please do keep posting, as others will be along today, and give you more advice. xx