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Hi everyone
I am a stay at mom of two children aged 4 and 7. They are in bed now but I dread them waking up. I feel so anxious all the time and I really am struggling to cope.
They have never really got on but it seems to be getting worse. My daughter who is 4 is so demanding she constantly torments her brother by mocking the things he likes or calling him names. She doesnt stop until he hits her and its just escalates into a full blown fight. When they are not bickering, my daughter is constantly making demands like "I want milk now" over and over again. My son just seems extremely quiet, however i'm not surprised as everytime he tries to talk to me she shouts over him and carries on until he gives up.
I'm really struggling and would really appreciate some advice. We have good routines and try to do my best but i'm obviously no good at this mom thing.
Hello Pushpash321 and welcome to One Space.
You sound as if you are losing your confidence as a mum and sadly, that can happen to any of us when the children are going through a particularly demanding phase. You are among friends now and we have all had similar experiences. It doesn't mean you are a bad parent, it just means you could do with a little support right now 
Well here we are to do that!
The first thing to say is that this will take a little while to solve, there isn't a magic wand we can wave to make it Ok all at once.
You have the feeling that your son feels a bit pushed out at the moment and you understand how he feels. You are also aware that your daughter domninates proceedings. So these are the two things to tackle. Firstly, your son. Do you get to spend one to one time with him? Hopefully his bedtime is later than hers and if not, this is one thing to change so that he DOES get time with you. You can also consider finding someone to care for your daughter, even for a couple of hours, to get this time. You could think about an after school club once a week or for a few hours in the school holidays. Of course we are not saying your daughter is a baddie, she needs her time alone with you too. Both children need to understand that that each get that. During the time they get to choose what they do...although you may like to go a bit careful with your daughter on that one until you see what it is she chooses!
There is lots more to do...the continual requests can wear you down. I don't want to bombard you with too much right now, just start with what I have suggested above for the time being. I have an idea about these continual requests your daughter makes but let's leave that for now.
I also think you would enjoy a parenting programme, you could meet other parents and discuss practical strategies and boost your confidence. Your Health Visitor may know what is available for you locally and you can also look here (click) at our free online version. We have listings of local support groups on the site and you can see nthem by clicking here
Thank you PS for your advice I cant tell you how desperate I am right now and I cant believe how in tune you are with my situation. I am married but my husband works such long hours it feels as if I have to do this all on my own.
I will definitely be implementing the mommy time with both of them and I think that would really help with my son.
I was wondering if a reqward chart would help with my daughter's behaviour. Examples of which are
standing in front of the Tv whilst my son wants to watch his favourite programme. He asks her to move politely but she stays there so he pushes her out the way and they end up hitting each other an she repeats which throughout the day
My son plays with his cars on the floor and she comes along and steps on his hand or ruins his display resulting in another hitting session.
she says something nasty about one of his favourite programmes and continues screaming it at him until he retaliates.
I could continue lol.
I just wondered how I would go about implementing a reward chart to combat this behaviour or whether I should use another method.
Hi
I sat down with my kids and together we wrote a list of house rules, they did most of it things like
No hitting
Respect each other
Don't take things that don't belong to us without asking , you know the sorts of things and we stuck it up on the wall
I give them pocket money each week not much and they have broken any of the house rules they get a mark next to their name and they loose 50p for each mark
They hate having less than each other works quite well.
Over praise them too when they do listen or do a kind gesture for each other really go ott with making them feel good about themselves 'buff' up their self esteem.
What ever reward system you put into place you need to establish some clear rules first otherwise they won't know what is acceptable or not.
Good luck x
Hi Pushpash321 and welcome from me
Louise has mentioned that there are a number of tactics that you could bring into the mix, however at this point, she is suggesting that you set in place a routine of 'quality time' with each of your children. Decide a time when you can do this and stick to it rigidly, noting:
"Parents often say that while spending ‘special time’ with one child, a sibling may try and interrupt. A way to deal with this is to remind them when their special time is. Tell them how they or you wouldn’t like it if their special time were ruined."
Once you have established this routine, there are other techniques that we can suggest as you go along, reward chart being one of them, but right now, try for a week to do quality time, this teaches each child that they are valuable to you and can also help them to learn how to enjoy their siblings company from the way you are modelling to them.
Is this something you think you can incorporate into your daily routine?
I would also like to add that as their dad is in residence then you could talk to him about it all and ask him to spend some time with the other child while you were having quality time with each of them? Maybe he could even be persuaded to do a bit of quality time of his own? This site is for single parents so I don't want to harp on too much but I do understand that there are many families where the working partner takes on very long hours in the belief "I am doing the best for my family" whereas spending a bit more time with the children would also be a way to achieve this.
Hi
I am extremely grateful for ALL the above advice and I now realise this site is for lone parents. I have tried to look for help as a "two parent family" but there is none. Maybe moms are supposed to cope if they are with their childrens dad lol. Again thank you so mucb xxxx
Well we are always happy to help with parenting tips for ANYONE, and I agree that whilst there may be an expectation that the other parent will help, they don't always do this. There is also Family Lives that you might want to look at....but do try the things we have suggested, as a starting point 
We have also got a Confident Parenting course online, , it will be just as relevant whether you are parenting alone or together, but dont try to achieve too much at once, it is one step at a time
Seems harsh but sometimes you have to say no. I want milk - no youve already had some! Your're the parent. I have a similar thing going on. One mouthy, one sensitive and quiet! They're both just trying to deal with things in the best way they know. With regard to the fighting- they're always going to bicker but I have a friend who lost her only brother. Even at their age they understand the significance of this! They love eachother really