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Hi all, just need to get this off my chest, hope you don't mind!
Basically, every few days I have the same argument with my mum, she always gives my son junk food, crisps, sweets, chocolate etc Even when I was weaning she would give him icing off a bun and stuff, we've been having the same argument for about 2 and a half years! I last spoke to her about it on saturday and said saturday can be treat day and she laughed at me and said ''don't we go through this every week'' anyway today we go round after preschool and she gives him a bag of crisps, I ask her why and she says she likes to treat him.
But she won't take him park, she doesn't like spending much time with him, she acts like a toddler herself with him so I'm always the bad guy. A couple of weeks ago she told me it was my fault he has special needs and signs of asd and adhd and if I give him a better diet and I'm more strict it would help him! I always try to give him a good diet it's her giving him crap to eat every day!
Also I try to make sure he does as he is told but a few days ago I told him to tidy up his toys and my mum did it for him, today I told him to tidy up his cars round there and he was getting more and more upset and saying ''nanan do it'' and she said ''well I'd never let my kids get that stressed'' ARGH!
Without going into too much detail I am a million times better than she ever was as a mum, both me and my brother had truly awful childhoods and both got made homeless at 16!
I'm so furious and upset with her, it's like she doesn't care about his health or well being, one of his main issues at school is his behaviour at tidy up time so the staff spoke to me and I'm trying to get him used to having to tidy up after he has finished playing or we have to go and she just undoes all my work, he's having to see the speech therapist, I talk to him like I would any child, not too complicated but I say proper words that are pronounced properly where as she says everything in a kiddy voice, swears and doesn't think about what she says.
My dad just hides and then tells her I have no respect for her and I'm horrible when I'm gone so I get no help from him. They babysit for about an hour a year and I have to beg and then my mum moans for the next 4 weeks.
I am so so unhappy with the whole situation I don't know what to do, she doesn't listen to anything I say, doesn't respect my parental decisions, doesn't take notice of his special needs/asd/adhd (she thinks he doesn't have any) My son loves seeing his nanan and grandad and I know that as they get older they will need me and my son doesn't have much family and he will need them else I would just move a million miles away and start fresh!!
If you've read this far well done! Sorry for the ranting I have nobody to talk to and it's either this or get slightly hysterical xxx
Oh and digressing a bit, on saturday we had a 5 hour round trip (me and my friend) to collect my cousin from hospital and take her to my parents because my parents wouldn't go and get her (I dont drive which is why I needed my friend) so my poor boy had big car journey for most of the day and he was so so good bless him, so on sunday I got him a little tub of sweets, a magazine and a bottle of vimto squash because he'd missed out on his treats on saturday and when we saw my cousin (she asked me to go shop for her) my mum said ''well he's got treats it's not saturday is it'' and argh it infuriates me, firstly I'm his mum I can give him a little treat whenever the hell I want and secondly there was a reason why he had a treat on sunday and not saturday!
Thank you for your reply Sally, I think I'm going to see them less, or try to at least. I think at the moment I'm still frustrated so I'm going to concentrate on Bear and try and help him with his special needs and take each day as it comes.
He is very close to his grandparents, my ex and his entire family have nothing to do with him and majority of my family son't really speak to us or see us blaming distance for lack of communication so me and my parents are all he has but I would rather him see them less and be happier and me be happier etc It did do good getting it all out I didn't realise there would be so much when I was typing! xxx
Great, that is one of the things we are here for.
I do think seeing them less is a good idea. I know your son likes seeing them but I would question what sort of role models they are, sorry that is a really blunt thing to say but it does sound that way to me.
A friend of mine has very limited family, and those she does have are very difficult and her childhood was very problematic and so what she has done is to build a "family" around her composed of friends of different ages and backgrounds so this is something you could consider as you do need a network of support.
Hi Colie
Sounds like my ex mother in law I was fighting a losing battle. Thankfully now im divorced - due to myself and the ex working his father used to do the school run and i would collect my son on the way home - I look back now and my son became so over weight due to her 'treat draw' He was eating at least 3 bars of chocolate a day from it.I have a photo of my son and its awful and im ashamed I never noticed until the school photo arrived!!!
The other issue I had was smoking in front of them they always smelt of smoke (ive never smoked) I was made to feel ungreatful that they were doing me a big favor - yes they were but not at the expense of my children.
Dont give up they should consider your little one who is the most important one in this. If they cant they will be the ones losing out.
HM
Hi Colie
Try start limiting the time Bear spends there. Limit it so when see them you know that it is going to be treat time and everything is going to be done for him and the junk foods are given.
Then you can take a step back and realise you are never going to change them and it is good for your son to see that people do thing in different ways.
Then you can spend your time with him working on his speach, him helping you aroung the house, kids love to feel useful and help. Get them at a young age and it is easier. Talk to him about different types of food and what they do. You don't say how old he is but Nena and the Neurons is a great source of information and so are a lot of the cbeebies programs.
Take your son to the park, play with him it then won't matter if all they do is have him around thier feet.
good luck
Thank you everyone for your replies, Happy Mamma my parents also smoke and it makes me feel awful!
Hi Suneagle, he will be 3 in March, we do go to the park and do lots of activities, due to his special needs I try and keep his days quite structured, he has a meltdown when I pick him up from school asking to see his nanan and grandad if he hasnt seen them earlier that day, sometimes I take him and sometimes I don't, today I told him we were going to choose some books from the library and if he was really good he could have a kinder egg - he loves them, the shape, the wrapping, the toy etc so I use them as a treat sometimes as it's hardly any chocolate the only thing I dont like about them is the price! Anyway apart from a couple of mini meltdowns, one where he tried to run in front of a bus so he got put in his pushchair and when we were at the library but that was because the machines were out of order and he likes the routine of getting his books by the machine so got quite distressed when we had to go to the counter, I think those two things were more to his special needs and problems rather than him being naughty so he got his egg and we've had a lovely day together.
I spoke briefly to my mum today via text and she's upset and I said I was upset and I feel she doesn't respect me as a mum or the rules I make for Bears benefit, she didn't apologise or anything but at least she knows how I feel and I think we'll go round on saturday which is treat day but I'll still monitor the treats as don't want him to think it's an all you can eat day! xxx
Well done Colie for letting your mum know how you feel. These things can be really hard to talk abut in families. It sounds as if you have your little boy's days sorted. Hope it goes Ok on Saturday!
Well doen Colie
Are you getting any support and advice to help with Bear and his extra needs? Having that help and support does make a difference.
I have found with mine I have to let them know and remind them in advance what is happening. Sometimes this can mean gently planting a seed and over time letting it grow, if it is a change that is big to them. If they have something in thier mind they are doing and it doesn't happen it is meltdown time. I know if they say I don't like you or I don't love you any more, they don't mean it so I just say "thats okay" and leave it at that. They need to express these feelings and it is not about me.
They have also been the choice from knee high over somethings, we have up to three choices, a or b or nothing at all, I had feeding issues and rather than putting them off food I took a more relaxed aproached. Now they are older dinner choices are this or nothing at all but they are allowed to leave some if they want too (and I have put the dinner in the bin, it has only taken once.) Things are timed even when they don't understand timing they will know that when the program is over the TV goes off. Bye, bye and then on to the next activity. Now I have the complaining and they are old enough to understand if there is a fuss then it doesn't go on next time. And when the meltdown comes and boy I have had meltdowns, you feel like a horrible mother, (I have cried buckets and been at a total loss as what to do, or questioned did I do it right?) but sticking to your boundaires really helps. It now means I have children who are easier to deal with. You are right children regardless of needs, like and need structure and boundaries.
Libraries are brilliant they teach about not everything is yours and you have to look after the things you have borrowed and then give it back. Brilliant for all todlers who go through the its mine stage.
Good luck with Saturday and this new routine. remember its not just the children who sulk and throw tantrums when they don't get thier own way. x
Hi suneagle,
At his 2 year check up the health visitor said he was displaying a lot of signs of asd and adhd and wanted to refer us to portage, I refused, we had 2 year review every couple of months where they make notes on him but dont really tell me anything, he had his 2 year review at nursery and they involved senco who has said he has special needs, now he has 1-1 support, we see senco, portage, health visitor and speech therapist, if he doesnt reach the goals they have set he'll be assessed for adhd and asd. Although I hate that he has special needs and displays asd and adhd signs I'm coming to terms with it and it makes me calmer when we're out and he's getting upset because if anyone is tutting or giving me horrible looks I can explain that he's not being a brat and he has got special needs. xxx
Hi Colie
Im glad you have told your mum how she feels. I know when daughters become mums too theres always that thing with your mum where she will always no best - most mums like me tend to keep it to ourselves (not my mum mother in law she knew it all)
I lost my mum 10 years ago we were close but a strained relationship (long story) but I was always tol you only have one mum and it used to drive me nuts but you know its a fact of life so I hope you can sort things and move on from it.
One on my daughters has fallen out with me Ive not spoken to her since Jan 2nd (nothing to do with her son my grandson) but although what she said was nasty and evil i welcome her to my house anytime.
Keep strong x
Thank you for your reply happy mamma, I saw my mum today, just me and her and we're both stubborn and she did say she was really upset seeing Bear crying like he was and I explained he would do it everytime if he thought it would get him out of doing something. Not much more was said but we had a chat about other things and seem to be on friendly terms, I do think seeing her less will be helpful for our relationship. I hope you and your daughter make up and get this sorted xxx
Hey Colie, well done you having that chat with your mum, it sounds as though you were really assertive, which will help.
If you were interested in picking up more assertiveness skills have a look at our online Everyday Assertiveness course.
Thank you Anna, that looks really good, I'm the sort of person who apologises if some bumps into me so would probably help me lots! xx
Phew colie i'm glad you got that off your chest.
Family relationships can be so complicated, on the one hand they are our family and we love them on the other they can be a total pain.
It sounds like you spend alot of time at your parents, is possible to not go there so much?, i know you say that your son really likes spending time with them, but i suppose you have to weigh up weither or not it's in both your interests to be going there so much if it causes so much tension for you and confusion for your son.