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Just wanted to write this, as it might help others going through this too...
The break up of a relationship effects us all in different ways...and at the time although others mean well by saying that you are stronger than you think, or that things will get better with time...at this particular time, those words don't seem to help at all...as you just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel...in fact you haven't even found the tunnel, and just feel like you are floundering around all alone..
My H left me nearly four months ago after being together for 21 years...I was totally devastated and in shock.
I couldn't bear to stay in the house alone, and just had to keep getting out, and I felt anxious all the time, and suffered panic attacks...I would go to Town with lots of people there but feel so totally isolated and alone, as if I was invisible, and my confidence was at zero...
BUT I have to say Paul Mckenna's 'I can mend your broken heart' book and CD really has helped me, and also the book ' Runaway Husbands' by Vikki Stark...You can get that with the book quite cheaply on Amazon..
I still can't think about moving or divorce just yet, because rather than do everything at once, I am trying to be calmer and take baby steps, and do things more slowly...
I am also trying to make new friends by joining local meetup groups on meetup.com...and it doesn't have to be expensive..
Also try not to have any contact with him...Emails and texts are fine, but it will really help you not to see him( although you won't understand this at the time, and it is a lot harder if younger children are involved)...
I think what you are fearing most is the loss of your own identity as you can only see yourself as being part of a couple...and at the moment feel like if you could just have a hug and him to say everything will be alright you would be able to cope...but that's the thing, the reality of it all is not like that...would he really do those things? What you have to remember is that it's all about THEM...they can be men or women that do this to their partners...but they are selfish, self centered people who ultimately only think about their own needs and wants...so does it really matter why they left? Do you really need to know why?
I had all those questions to start with, that I didn't do enough of this, or that if only I had done that...they would've stayed...Not true!
Remember...it doesn't matter what you did or didn't do...they would have gone anyway...and they would just make up some excuse as to why that was...you weren't this, or you didn't do that...or they just really didn't know the answer themselves.
But I can give you the answer: It is because they are self centered, and like addicts need that ego boost, so move on..it is all about them....they will never be truly happy people because they will never be contented. It might take months or years, but they will move on again to the next person..
The key to it is to 'Just try and let go' Then you can truly begin to move on...
It will not be easy, but you owe it to yourself not to let him/her win...try not to feel angry sad, or bitter towards them( although this is only natural to do so, and part of your healing process), but all in all...it will be only harming you and not him...
You will get there though, and don't forget there are lots of us in the same boat too...It is a rollercoaster ride, but once those overwhelming feelings dissipate a little,they become a little easier to cope with, and as someone on here said, even if your feelings are very intense, as long as they stay fluid, you are doing alright.
It can also be a case of one step forward and five steps back, but that is how it is too.Then one day you will realise that you no longer have that awful knot in your stomach, and you will start to feel calmer and more able to cope with things again.
I am still striving towards all that, but with support know I will make it...
Hugs xx
Thank you so much Louise, those are lovely words from you...I just remember how when I first came here I was a total emotional mess, and when my friends told me those words, I couldn't believe them...but slowly, slowly, with their support and the great support from here too...things did slowly change for me, and believe me I had some really awful days...But you're right too,we never know what is around the corner,and I truly believe that you do have free will, but when the powers that be throw things at you, that you have no control over, it is a life lesson, and although at the time you can't see it, you just have to try and 'go with the flow', then later on you can maybe see why what happened did happen....
I just wanted to try and help others who are going along the path that we are on, to see that when all seems so hopeless, and nothing makes sense, and we see obsticles rather than challenges, there is always hope,( however small it seems at the time)...and it will get better, even if the process is slow...also never be afraid to ask for help, and try new things out of your comfort zone...they don't have to be great big things, but even little things can make you feel more positive too.
I know it is still early days for me too, and I will get down days as well as up,and today is an 'up day' hoorah! but in the beginning they were down days and slightly less down...But I will come back and read this to keep positive...
Hi Mich what a brilliant post, after reading that i feel quite emotional ( in a good way) it hit home so many times, i totally agree that they are self centered people and only think of themselves, i spent months wondering what if i had done things differently but like you said leave they would they are not content and just keep moving on. I have found that tunnel and can see the light not quite there but on the right track, thankyou so much for writing that inspiring post i too will come back and read it from time to time, well done you xxxx
hi mich what a lovely post and your words are so true xx for us all it will take time and no one can put a time limit on to when we are going get through this and feel better but we will x
Brilliant post Mich. You're a survivor, and that clearly shows in your words. Well done you for putting that down, which will of course help so many others on here. xx
Thanks for this post Mich - i am having a couple of those bad days and your post really helps to let me see that i just need to look for the light in the tunnel instead of groping about in the dark!!
Best wishes to you and all of us in that same boat ;-)
Hey Mich 
You are a star, you have written this so clearly and honestly, it is a beautiful read.
Breaking up is such a life changing experience, as you say, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger! Life is a journey and it is all about how we travel that journey.
If someone is not happy within their relationship, it is a very hard thing to find the courage to end it. You know that you are going to be hurting not only your partner but any children, friends and family too. Being honest and upfront is a far braver and more dignified thing to do than having an affair and breaking trust and respect of all involved.
It can take a lot longer to get over deceit than if someone is honest with us.
I love how you say that one day you will notice that the awful knot in your stomach has now gone. I remember that feeling well and I really hope that others reading it will recognise that this is only for 'now' not forever.
Thanks Mich. 
Hi Mich
it could have dictated your post because that is exactly like it was for me 25 years ago.
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that only becomes apparent further down life's road. I have spent the last 25 years helping other lone parents come to terms with what is a scary situation (even if you wanted it, it is still scary) and help then come out of the tunnel feeling more positive and secure.
A few weeks ago I was asked to go on local radio and tell them about some event or person that had had a profound affect upon my life and without hesitation i said "an adulterous ex husband".
If he hadnt done what he did, i would not have become a lone parent. i wouldnt have joined a single parent group. wouldnt have got my job working with single parents; wouldnt have learned about he CSA; wouldnt have helped thousands of lone parents and i wouldnt have met my soul mate (pause to be sick).
Its true that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
A Merry Christmas to everyone and remember it does get better.
Jeano
Thanks, Jeano, but I haven't been sick 
, I have been pleased to read your very positive post! It is very encouraging for those going through dark days to know that the light IS at the end of the tunnel.
A very Merry Christmas to you too!
Big Christmas hugs to you all xx
xxx
Hi Mich
I've just read your post and wanted to thank you. Its been a bad week for me and your honest post mirrors exactly how I'm feeling at the moment. It is most definitely a rollercoaster and unfortunately I am yet to find the tunnel..but what you said hit a chord with me and I need to let go because I am just hurting myself..
I will come back to read your positive message when I am having a bad day.. thank you again, we can do this! xx
Thanks adriana...So yes, I am having a bit of a down moment myself( still on that road too), probably with Christmas coming up and it my first one on my own...so come back here to re-read this as well...At least I'm not having those overwhelming feelings though, which is helping me stay positive...
That's the thing, remembering the very early days when I was still in shock over it all...and not knowing where to turn..and knowing there are others at the starting point, still feeling like this....
I think it just helps to know there is a way forward for us all...xx
Merry Christmas Mich, I hope that you have a very festive yuletide.
Getting through the first Christmas is another milestone, there may be moments when you reminisce, just let them happen and then they will pass.
Hope your daughter enjoys the holidays too!
Thank you so much Anna, and the same to you too......xx
Ok, so would like to just update this thread too....
I myself can't believe how very different my life is and how I feel now after only eight months.
My life has completely turned around. I have had a great amount of help from various people, but ultimately to start it all off I had to make the first steps myself. So I am writing this here to try and give a bit of support and encouragement to all those of you who are still in shock or starting down this road now.
I remember first reading how things would get better, and there was light at the end of the tunnel, but when you feel like you have been hit by a truck it is very difficult to firstly believe this and secondly ever see an end to the awful way you are feeling.....but I am now at the 'indifferent to my ex' stage, and it really is the most liberating feeling .Certainly I can still get angry with things he says or does, but it isn't all consuming, and I literally don't really think about anything to do with him now at all, or if I do it's like I'm thinking about a stranger I'm just having to do a business transaction with.
I do feel that at first as a person you can either stay stuck in the cycle of anger and bitterness, or really try to pick yourself up, and even though you aren't realy sure what the Hell you are going to do, or if you are ever going to feel some sort of normality again, I can promise you that you will...but I also have to say that the only person who can really help you start with it is....you!
You don't have to do great big huge things, but at least if you try something out of your comfort zone, it will start you off on the road to you being 'you' again...and getting out and about, and meeting new people or trying new things does really open up new possibilities for you.Also, volunteer work is a great way to get out too, and make you feel positive about yourself at the same time.
I can now look back, and although didn't see it at the time, really was stronger than I thought...I still have a very long way to go ( mainly with legalities now), but know I will get there....
Also, as to finding love again...I have been lucky enough with this too....BUT, I would say you never know when it will happen, and who it will be, so don't have any preconceived ideas about types or who, or when...it will just happen when it is the right time for it to.People that can love themselves again first then draw others to them I think, so being open and giving someone new a chance is all it takes.Try not to let your past experiences cloud feelings towards someone new, as until proven otherwise you have to give people a chance.
Remember: 'What is for you won't go by you!'
Hugs to you all, and hope in some way this can help someone a little...xxxx
This always has been such a great thread, Mich and I have referred a number of people to it over the months, you know yourself that it is hard to believe you will EVER feel better, so thank you for that and for the update too 
Hi Mich, yes, thanks from me too, it is so fantastic to read where you are at the moment. So happy for you.
How is your daughter these days? How is your relationship? Would you say it has gotten stronger over the last 8 months?
Oh Mich, I am speechless, I have read all your posts and I am only 12 weeks in after my cheating hubby walked out but I really feel there is hope for me. Things are messy, no contact from him, flaunting his new family everywhere whilst I'm left with his baby son and daughter to pick up the pieces, but after reading all that you really have inspired me. God knows what the future holds but when we was happily married I always thought if he ever cheated and left it would kill me, well it hasn't and I bloody well don't let it. I have a very long way to go, my little daughter is my concern still (she is 5) but I am trying to answer her questions and turn her frowns into smiles. I am surrounded by strong Phoenix's, that have risen from the ashes and I do believe my time will come.
So as my lovely supportive mum keeps telling me, I must keep polishing and preening my wings, because one day I will fly again and rejoin this amazing world.
Thanks Mich, your words of strength have really cheered me up!.
X x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Hello ChaCha
That is onew of the great things about these boards, that we all help each other along and can inspire and encourage each other! You are doing great, believe me
Hi Cha Cha,I promise you there will be hope, and there is hope...Believe me when i say I had some really awful times.I can honestly say dealing with it was the worst thing that happened in my life ( even though I have also lost two parents now too).Some days I thought I would never even feel 'normal' ever again, and to me 'normal' was just to not feel total and utter devastation and loneliness...
I do remember that one thing that kept me going throughout was the fact that I knew I had no control over what was happening to me,and that it was all for a reason ( which I can now see),but just tried to go with the flow of it.Although I did know I had control over how I dealt with the situation, and I at least knew I would do all I could not to give in to the overwhelming feelings I had...So yes, although at this time you won't maybe feel strong..you are doing really well as Louise says.In time you will realise too that it won't matter if you don't get answers as to why they felt they had to cheat or leave you because honestly it just won't matter to you any more. As I say, just small baby steps and eventually they will be moving you forward instead of you feeling like you are having an uphill struggle....
Good luck! xxx
Fabulous to read your post Mich. I am so glad for you. Little steps all the way.
Thanks xxx
This was a lovely post to read Mich and has really given me some hope, thank you xxx
Thank you Renelle and A1 ana.
As to what you asked about mine and my daughter's relationship getting stronger Anna, well, I have just let her make her own mind up about things, and just tried to be the stable rock for her, so underneath it all I think it has( but you know what teenagers are like..we still have our ups and downs lol).
I think it helps a bit to read that what you might be feeling at this time, is what others have felt too, but there is a way forward and definitely hope, even though you can't really see it when you are smack bang in the middle of it all. Especially as it feels like the most horrendous time of your life.
Eventually the anger does subside( as really it is only harming you and not them), and you start to see that trying to turn that into a positive force to help you move forward, is a tremendous step in the right direction.
I was reading a few posts on here, and Cha Cha think it was you who mentioned that your ex was introducing your daughter to his new Partner straight away. This happened with mine too,and I thought it was too early, but then as others have said,you do have to try and remember that they are their parents too, and one day their new partner might be their step parent, and isn't it better that they get on with them than not, just for your child's wellbeing? This is what I always try and hold on too, when I think or feel something I'm not happy about concerning them....at least if my daughter's wellbeing is ok, then I know I can get over it.
xxxxx
Hi Mich,
Glad things are ok for you, regarding the new partner, yes I guess I am more relaxed now, my daughter saw her Dad Sunday just gone, she was with him at the new house for 6 hours and seemed to have fun. As long as he spends the time with our daughter then it's fine, there are no plans yet for him to take our baby son as I feel he is too little.
But what I will say is, my feelings for HER are pure hatred, in my eyes, she is the adulteress, I will never ever have any form of relationship with that woman and she knows not to even attempt it. She has been nasty to me in the last 13 weeks and I won't ever forget what she has done, I feel the same about my ex as well but we are parents and will always need to communicate. I am happily moving on now and feel positive.
X
Yes, have to agree...I've never met my Ex's other woman, and don't have a want to either. I think though if I did ever meet her, I'd laugh and say " Good luck!" as I know they are going to need it! I don't hate her...just think they are both very sad individuals with no integrity....I know I am a far better person than those two put together, so don't really care about either of them and what they are doing. Hopefully you will feel that way to at some point, because as I say it is very liberating...I think it helps to understand that they can be nasty to you because they feel totally insecure in themselves actually.
But I am so glad that you are feeling more positive and moving on now...x
Thanks Mich. x
Thought for the day:
I know it seems like they have it all ...but think about it...would you really want a relationship with someone that you know was a cheat in the first place? Any relationship has to start with trust, so you can build something from that at least...they don't have that at all, so how on Earth can they build from a solid foundation that they don't have? Trust me, it's all superficial, and isn't worth anything. Hold on to that thought.... it might help you now. xxx
Thanks Mich, your so right x
Great post, Mich
Hello Mich
What a utterly and stupendously FAB POST !!!!!
Anna and I were chatting yesterday about the site and we mentioned about your recent trip and both said "it just goes to show you never know what is around the corner" and we wondered whether your exeperiences (not just your trip but in general) would enable you to write something about the rollercoaster journey that would help others......and bingo! I log on and you have done just that. THANK YOU.
It is all very well people saying those comforting things in the early days, but it is hard for the person to believe them when they are in such pain. You are still very much on your journey and your voice is going to be valued so much by those that read this post, now and in the months to come. HOORAY FOR YOU!