This might sound stupid but here goes. I'm a black British male, my ex partner is white British (pale) our 8 month old child is mixed race however buba looks white, pure pale white like my ex, buba has straight /red brown hair (was curly black when born) & brown eyes. I know 100% our child IS mine but I feel embarrassed to show friends/family photos (I don't live near my child) as we look nothing alike & people question me! when I take my buba out with her mother people ask if I'm the STEP father & when taking her to places like doctors they ask me for proof of being child's father (buba has mothers surname so I have no proof in as far as photo I.D as looks & names don't match) Don't get me wrong my child is my world but I'm tired of being the focous of jokes saying My ex must of slept with the postman , it's hurtfull & we look so weird together as she's so white & Has no black fetures. My ex has a new partner who is white & they look like a normal WHITE family in photos & people think buba is HIS child so I find myself always correcting people. I don't need a DNA but people keep joking I should get one, if I suggested it just to shut them up my ex would be hurt & punch my lights out lol. I took a lovely photo of myself & buba for Facebook profile but when I looked at it I was to embarrassed to put it up :(
Thank you so much for your reply & it's greeting hearing you have had the same issues! No doubt in my mind that she's mine, I know this 100%. My ex also reckons she is very pale for a mixed race Child but my ex has just suggested maybe she has stronger genes. Buba looks abit darker in photos so people say they can see a tiny bit of me in her but it's a whole different story in person, when we sit together she doesn't look anything like me & i havent met anyone whos said any different (in person, not via photos) I very proud to be her daddy but let's face it we don't live in a dream world- people are going to say stuff & it's hurtfull & upsetting! My genes are African & all my family member are, going way way back, I'm dark black, not blick thou. I'm just finding it very difficult as people think she is my ex's & her fella's baby. I want to show her oFf but I get funny stares & questioned all the time, I know I should brush it off but I'm only human, last time I put a fb pic up I got loads of comments which made me feel like crap. One one believes she's mixed & I read a story of twins being 1 black 1 white so know its not unheard of but still very frustrated
hi footie13 - in a way footie you would have the same problem if you were all white or all black because now your ex is with someone else people will assume that the three of them are a family and i expect that is very hurtful to you right now, so in a way there are two separate issues - people making stupid remarks to you which if i am honest i think i might put people straight that their remarks are hurtful - and the fact that you are separated and people think your ex and her new partner have a child together. Its not easy but its a great forum and i just wanted to send a warm hello and to let you know that although i don't have this particular issue i know how hard it is when your ex partner moves on - keep posting - there are some great people on here
Hi Footie13,
I am mixed race! My father was black african and my mum white brittish. My dad had the very same problem you have as I was very light when younger (my hair was black but not afro curls just straight). I adored my dad and went with him everywhere and people often approached him in the street, quite agressively (this was in the 80's and racism was rife where we lived) and accused him of stealing this beatiful white baby. But my dad always stood his ground and I guess this was why i loved him so. He showed me off at every oppurtunity even after my sister was born who looked much more mixed race. And funnily enough when I was about 2 and a half my hair changed to afro and my skin darkened to a lovely brown and it became my mums turn to have all the questions!
I went on to have a daughter (to a black man) who was born with white skin, blond hair and blue eyes! Everyone joked her dad wasnt really her dad too. Nonsense! She still has blond (afro) hair and her eyes are green but she is a lovely brown skin tone.
Moral of the story is 'you cant please all the people anyway so ignore them and stand proud with you buba' she may even get more colour as time goes on (very common for that) but if she doesnt - so what? Love really is colour blind!
Hi Footie13
My friend who is white had a child with a black father. When the baby was born, the baby was very pale skinned, olive cloured skin and it is only as she has got older that she has more of her dad's skintone, she has her mum's features but the facial expressions of her dad and his walk.......funny what a mix we all are of our parents....and not just our parents, as Anna says, it depends on each person's full genetic background
Littlerehen - thank you for replying, maybe you are right & it is two separate issues, however if she was darker people wouldn't think she was his baby! I have been on this site before openly admitting I wasn't the best bf giving my ex good reason to leave me early on in the pregnancy. Even after the birth I didn't show my support or regular visits to my child, these mistakes kept on for around 6 months (my ex never stopped me seeing her, these were mistakes thou my own selfish ways) I'm trying to change & love my daughter just not sure how to show it :(, this maybe why I find it hard to see my ex & her fella playing happy family's as he is better with buba than I was/am ..
LittleAngel- thank you for taking time out to reply. Your comments have made me more understanding of bi-coloured people. Your dad is a star for showing you off proudly. I've tried telling my mates it hurts me when the comment but I guess sometimes blokes are blokes and like the banter, even if it's at me. I must learn to ignore these & hold my head up high & proudly :)
Well Footie13, the good news is, she is so young now you have almost 18 years to make it up to her!
Dont stress too much over the past it is what you do now that matters and we all make mistakes.
As for seeing your child with another man, like littlered said I dont think that is a race issue. You are like you said just struggling to see him be so good with her _ I can understand that. And am sure many seperated parents can relate. But you are lucky he is being a good role in your daughters life. Things would be so much worse if he didnt treat your daughter properly. I know it is hard for you but as your relationship with your daughter builds you will find it easier to accept.
Good luck x
Hi guys, do you know Intermix? The news and views of the Mixed Race Experience!! There is a beautiful photo gallery of mixed race children and couples and how different we all look! I love this site!
Footie13, you are right you do have to brush it off, you daughter will get it all her life too, if she looks slightly different she will get "oooh are you Spanish?" "where do you come from then" "Don't you tan well?" You have to laugh, it is no-one elses business.
I had a white boyfriend for a while and yes it is annoying when people look at you and try and figure it all out. I used to wish he was black just so we looked like a 'proper' family! I also used to think that it was unfair that people who had a few children with different dads, didn't look obvious, they were just a big family, whereas it was obvious (if I walked with a white fella), that I was a single parent with a mixed race child! PS. I was young then, now I dont give a damn who thinks what and I also know that nothing is as it seems!
littleangel, nice post about your dad. Footie13, you have someone to live up to!
How is it going with your ex, how often are you able to see your daughter?
Things are ok- better but I'm still not allowed to take buba out alone, I understand the trust will take time but I'm just happy I've been given soooo many chances. I haven't seen my daughter for over a month as I stupidly chose a night out with my mates on the day of my visit.. I guess I'm still learning not to put myself first & i hold my hands up to that. My ex is a fab mummy & I couldn't of had a child with a better person. Buba still isn't sure who I am but In time & often visits I'm hoping she will realise. Ive missed out on her first time rolling & crawling but I guess that will happen. She called my ex's bf "dada" which broke my heart but hopefully she will call my dada when she puts two & two together
Hi Footie. Like others have said, be proud of your daughter, and don't take a blind bit of notice of what others say. From your posts, you sound like a really nice guy, and the post above stood out for me. Your daughter will know who you are, just turn up when you're supposed too, have regular visits, and she'll be calling you daddy in no time. Good luck. Go and get that picture on Facebook 
I don't often look in the Dad's section...
Did you see a programme not so long ago on BBC - I think it was called mixed Britannia. One programme featured sets of twins where one was black and one was white. Some were identical twins too.
I am so glad you love your daughter, and glad that her Mum is being supportive in the relationship your building with her.
For goodness sake Footie13, what are you doing? Your daughter will only call you Dada if you behave like one. You have to prove to yourself and to your daughter that you are worthy of being called Dada.
Sorry but your post have infuriated me! Your ex is obviously a very conscious woman who wants her daughter to know you. But you need to step up, otherwise your daughter will just see you as the man who she has to see 'if and when' he turns up.
Your posts show that you have it in you to be a good father, or the intentions are there anyway. But you have to take the next step. I know that your daughter is very small and maybe you aren't really sure how to be around her. But these first three years are crucial in how she views the world and the people in it.
Imagine she is 25 years old and she meets a man, (someone like you), she falls in love and has a baby with him and then he messes her (and your grandchild) around, like you are behaving now, how would that make you feel?
Are you going to be the man that teaches her about stability, or is she going to learn that from your ex's current boyfriend?
You have to make a commitment to yourself and to your daughter to be an important person in her life. Do you think there is anything stopping you? Your ex has committed her entire life to raising your daughter, she deserves the same from you too.
What role does your father play in your life?
Anna is right Footie13. Stop with a this self pity, focus on your daughter & be a good dad. These first few years are so important in her growth. Man up! Don't miss your visits for your mates. Mates come & go your daughter will always the there if u play the part! Yes it's hurtful to see your ex with another man but u need to move on & let go! U have said before u treated your ex badly so you only have yourself to blame. u can't change the past but u can change the future and should be thankful she has a bf who adores your daughter
My family all live abroad, I have contact via telephone so I've never had anyone to worry about but myself as an adult
Hi Footie13, I don't want to be harsh on you as I can see that you are trying, I guess I am trying the tough love tactic!
Are all your family in Africa? Is this where the embarrassment lies? That you have made a white baby? That perhaps you are a sell out? What does your mum say? Has she seen your pictures? Are there many mixed race people where your family live?
When you were growing up, was your dad around? Do you have brothers and sisters? Why did you move over here? To study? work? Escape? Rebel?
Do your family worry about you, or do you just let them know that you are ok? Are you close?
So many questions I know, just want to support you to be the best dad you can be and by looking at our family history can help.
I was born here as were my siblings, my mother passed so my dad moved bk to Africa to be with his other family members & I stayed in England due to work, my father or siblings have never met my child as they have never bothered visiting. We are a close family (well we all talk often) my father has always been around & yes as lastly stated I am embarrassed that my daughter seems to be "white"
I know it sounds stupid I'm embarrassed & I'm going to try hold my head up high as I've read all comments and people are right BUT I think people forget- I'm only human, I've made mistakes, I have feelings & things that embarrass me, even if it is something so stupid, I'm not a machine or finding excuses so can't stop how I feel deep down :(
Hi Footie13, don't be embarrassed about your feelings, you are just trying to understand yourself I guess. You are only human and we all make mistakes.
However our thoughts create feelings and vice versa, so keep trying to remind yourself that you are a good father and only you control your life. You have said you are proud of your daughter, so get lots of pictures up around your flat and tell yourself every day, that her colour is only skin deep, she is your flesh and blood and you LOVE HER!!
This will make you feel better. Every time you beat yourself up for not being a 'perfect' dad, you are demoralising yourself and then perpetuating the situation into something worse. I'm black and I'm proud and my daughter is white and I'm proud!!
I am sorry to hear that your mum passed away and also that your family members haven't met your buba. You must feel quite isolated with the situation. Do any of your friends have children?
I'm sorry that you've lost your Mum too.
Thing is, you recognise how things are and you're building a relationship with your daughter. I hope things can be amicable with her Mum too, as it will make things so much easier...
Hi Footie, Sorry about your mum x
I think what you need to realise is your ex has given you an amazing oppurtunity. You treated her badly and let her down but she still allows you contact so you can make up for your mistakes. But you have to realise that this isnt an oppurtunity that your ex has had, she couldnt let your daughter down because then your daughter would have nobody. Your ex (like many of us on here) has stook with it because she had no choice. When one parent makes a mistake the other parent has to mop up the mess. You are only human and you see your mistakes which is great but now it is time to make up those mistakes to your daughter and your ex, because if your ex wouldnt have stuck it out where would your daughter be now?
Hello Footie13
I think you have the potential to be an absolutely FAB dad; it's hard to get used to putting someone else first, your daughter's mum has already done this and now it is your turn. Just put in some more time and watch her little face light up when her daddy comes to visit, soon you won't see her skin colour, just her beautiful smile and hey, YOU helped to create that beautiful person and you will be so proud that peoples' silly comments won't matter.
Dear Footie13
You say you are 100% sure that buba is yours. Yes? If not I would suggest a DNA test, but it sounds as though you don't have any question in your mind about it.
Black and white people in this country all have quite a mixed heritage (I don't know if you have seen 'Who do you think you are?' on the telly, but it has come has quite a surprise to some people to find that they have african roots or caucasion roots, when the colour of their skin tells them otherwise. Do you have any family members who have much lighter skin than yourself? You never know who is in your family make up, you might carry a caucasion gene or eastern asian?
My daughter is mixed race and quite dark skinned, when she was small, I too used to have the same thing happen to me, people used to ask if she was mine! Once my brother took her to the supermarket and the woman on the till asked him where her mother was!
Do NOT be embarrassed by your daughter - please. Be a proud daddy, if anyone makes a comment, stare at them increduously, how dare they question you and your baby.
As she grows up you will see that she has some of your features, maybe the shape of her face, her eye shape, her mannerisms. Also you might find in the summer that she catches the sun, her colour will change.
As a parent it is often hard for us to see their similarities to us, but other people will. People used to and still do say to me and my daughter 'you look so alike', we look at each other and burst out laughing, as we know that we don't really! You could perhaps ask your daughters mum, as I am sure she will be able to tell you. If you make it lighthearted and say 'I see so much of you in buba, where am I!!' See what she says?
Footie13, stick that picture up on Facebook and stand proud. Your daughter needs you to be proud of her and her heritage (both her blackness and her whiteness and also her browness (as my daugher would say!))
When you say you are embarrassed, can you put your finger on what it is that embarrasses you? Is it:
She might not be yours and you have been duped?
You are not black enough for producing such a white child?
I look forward to hearing back from you