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Hi, have joined up in the hope I will find people with similar experiences who will be able to offer support and advice.
I have been a "single parent" for four years. I have 3 boys from a previous relationship - 2 in their teenage years and 1 aged 5; and I have a 1 year old daughter from a current on-off relationship.
My on-off partner has a son who lives with him full-time. We live 50 miles apart (having been brought together by internet dating). Our daughter (surprise, surprise) was not planned but is very loved by everyone. She is adorable.
When we were expecting her, we were full of hopes for our "blended" family and our new addition. We moved in together, but this meant me leaving my home. I left my eldest son behind who moved to his Dad's. I found this difficult. There had been difficulties between my son and my partner, and also changing school for my son would have been difficult due to his age (had started GCSE options). My other two children moved with me, but the second eldest was reluctant - again, he wasn't very accepting of my relationship with my partner although seemed happy about having a new sister. He gets on ok with my partner's son, though does find him annoying at times.
My partner is very strict and comes down very hard on the children when there are any difficulties between the children, for example, when he thinks my children have acted spitefully or selfishly towards his son, or have been disrespectful to me or him. He doesn't always step in to discipline my children, but I get that look that tells me I need to do something cos he's not happy.
My youngest son adores his step-dad and I get on ok with my step-son. My step-son is happy to have step-brothers and to play with them and talk to them. However, my two eldest would probably rather just be on their own. My partner does not seem to appreciate that they need their space at times, which can cause problems.
Anyway, I moved to live with my partner, I had my daughter and things weren't too bad. I found it difficult being apart from my eldest though. I felt our relationship was breaking down, that he felt I had abandoned him - part of this I think was in my head - but things didn't seem the same between us. It was difficult to go to see him, having a new baby and a "new" family to look after. My son was reluctant to come and stay with us. My second eldest missed his brother - they are very close - and found being in a "new" family difficult, although he did try really hard, but I think this was more for my sake. He was very anxious about changing secondary school, being quite shy, and he seemed to get withdrawn as the start of the new term got closer. In the end, we asked him where he would be happier. His answer was that he had moved to keep me happy - he wanted to go "home". Taking him to meet his Dad half-way was heartbreaking - I felt like I was spiralling into a black hole.
My daughter was only 6 weeks at the time. I became extremely low - I felt like I was grieving for my 2 eldest children. I felt like a failure as a parent. I resented doing things for my "new" family when I wasn't there to look after my other 2 children. I felt like I was just going through the motions, but my mind was elsewhere all the time - like I was outside myself looking down. I guess I felt out of control.
My partner and his mum thought I had post-natal depression, and kept telling me I needed to focus on my family here and stop worrying about the other two. I felt like my partner just wanted me to forget them. It got to a point where he didn't really want them mentioning. I was told to ring my children when my partner was out so as not to cause any upset between us. Things became very tense between myself and my partner. He appeared to blame my 2 eldest for things breaking down.
Anyway, things got really bad and I just fled one morning with my 5 year old and my daughter (then 8 weeks). I went to stay with family. I was still apart from my 2 eldest children but began to rebuild my relationship with them. I was very angry with my partner to begin with, but I missed him and badly wanted him to be part of my daughter's life. We began talking again and agreed to try to salvage our relationship. I moved house and set up home again with my 4 children with my partner living 50 miles away again.
We went back to seeing each other at weekends and making the most of our time together. However, things didn't really change between my 2 eldest and my partner. They still don't really accept him, but they get on with it for my sake, and for the 2 youngest children.
Anyway, over the past few months my partner has become frustrated about our situation as he really wants us to live together. However, he does not wish to move here as he does not think it would work because of my 2 eldest children. I agreed to move there again, although have found this very difficult as don't really want to leave my 2 eldest children here, although I feel my relationship with them is much stronger now, and my partner is more understanding of my need to maintain a good bond with them. I have spent more time at my partner's recently, but feel I am palming the other 2 off on their Dad and Grandma. Their Dad is not the most responsible of people and still lives with his Mum after us being split for 4 years! Grandma has said she cannot cope with the boys living there full-time as Dad does not do anything to help look after the boys.
So, I have told my partner I cannot move. If he wants us to be together, we carry on seeing each other as much as possible or he moves here. The position at the moment is I have been dumped. He feels I have led him on saying I am going to move, but felt I didn't really intend to - his view is I have just been feeding him false hopes to keep us together. I really want to be with him but I cannot leave my 2 children here to a Dad who doesn't really want to be responsible for them. I want all my children to have security and stability. I don't want my 2 eldest boys living in a cramped bedroom in bunk beds with their grandma looking after them. I feel I should be around for them and they should have a home with me. I just feel my partner should move here, take the risk - we move to a bigger house so there is enough space for everyone and we work at it. It sounds simple, doesn't it??????
But he is so hung up on them not accepting him or his son. Yet my boys have tried. They behave most of the time. Occasionally there will be a kick off from my sons - stroppy behaviour, verbal abuse towards my partner - or they may appear selfish to my partner by not wanting to include my step-son in what they are doing, ie, wanting their own space. I think this would be easier though in a big enough house, and once my step-son has made his own friends in the area. I know it is a big adjustment for everyone, but what is the alternative? We stay apart - my 2 youngest children miss out on having 2 parents together (my youngest boy thinks of my partner as his Dad); my daughter sees her Dad and brother 2 days a week; we don't have a relationship. Or we stay together but live apart until the 2 eldest boys are more willing to accept things or have grown up and moved on!
Help! How do you make this kind of thing work? What help is there out there?
Hi Louise
Thank you for your reply. It is much appreciated. I find it very difficult to talk about my situation. I worry about being judged from others who don't understand what it's like to be in this kind of situation.
You talk a lot of sense, and are quite right about the alarm bells! This is one of the reasons why I find it hard to talk about as it is hard to admit you are in a controlling relationship. Most of the time I am happy with him - he is great with our daughter and my youngest son, but he has struggled with the older two to form a bond, although he has tried.
We have been together 3 years and the problems started early on - mainly because of different parenting styles. I have always been very soft on my children, and have always been there to guide and support them. My partner was very critical of my children's behaviour - of things that I didn't think were that bad. He felt I let them get away with too much, that they had no boundaries and no respect. I found myself trying to be someone else, being more strict with them and telling them off for things I wouldn't do normally. My partner didn't think it was ok for my children to come in the room and flick through the remote - that they should ask first. He didn't think they should sit in a particular seat in the living room as it was where I liked to sit. I told him we didn't have particular seats and, if I wanted the children to move they would. My children noticed the change in my behaviour and felt I was being brainwashed, which ended up in them disliking my partner. Like someone said to me the other day, perhaps they don't accept him because they can see through him.
My partner spends very little time with the eldest two now as I always tend to travel to his. My relationship with them is much better now cos I guess the way I parent them now is more how it used to be. I am stricter if they really put their foot out of line, and I do get more respect than I used to. However, as soon as my partner is around, I am probably watching my children more in case I think they are going to do something my partner won't like. I then probably behave in a way with t hem that I wouldn't normally.
I seem to spend my life trying to please everyone. Baby crying. Got to go!
Let us know how you get on, littlemissmiddle.....and by the way, you will NEVER be judged here 
Hi littlemissmiddle,
you must be so torn up between all this! The good thing is that you are very aware of who is feeling what, and that helps you to understand the situation better (not that understanding is the solution, huh).
I split up from my first husband (he was abusive) when the children were 12, 6, 4 and 3 (also 3 boys, 1 girl). about 3 years after that I met my second husband (also over the internet and 50 miles away). My to oldest were ok, but the younger ones took forever to trust my new partner. My daughter, the youngest, just because she was very shy, but once she knew him a bit better she was ok.
My No3 son, however, was very hostile at times - he thought as his dad had left (and wasn't keeping contact), there would be no point in getting to know anyone else etc etc. My husband had the patience of a saint and really made a lot of effort - he had two children from his marriage and was forever fighting to see them with a very very hostile ex wife - so he really wanted to embrace this 'second' family.
His perseverance really paid off and by the time we got married 3 years later, my son adored his new dad. We did not live together until we got married though, partly because my husband also looked after his brother who has brain damage from a horse riding accident.
Sadly, my husband has since died from cancer, and No3 son does feel abandonded again.
Maybe you just both want too much too soon? How long after you met did you decide to live together? And does your new partner understand that it's not only the moving in together etc, but also your sons are teenagers and are therefore finding life difficult anyhow?
Thinking of you! Big hug
P.s: Louise, you are fantastic, you always come up with tons of links and ideas!
Cheers, Hopeful, that's what Anna and I are here for and we both love this board so much
Hi Hopeful. It is nice to hear from someone who made a blended family work, but very sad to hear of your loss too.
We have been together 3 years and it wasn't until just before the birth of our daughter that we moved in together. With baby coming along, I just felt really the need to be living together. His son has been through a lot before he came to live full-time with my partner, and there wasn't really an option at the time for my partner to move to live with me.
All we seem to have created is instability for all the children. We are in and out of each others lives like yo-yos. When we are together we are happy, but the frustration of not living together and not living with his daughter is too much for my partner. I would be happy carrying on spending as much time as possible together just so the children know where they are at instead of talking about moving in together when we don't seem to be able to make that a reality at the moment. I think we should make the most of what we have, but it is not enough for my partner. He thinks the younger children are the most important and should be together as a family. That cannot happen for me. I can't leave my other 2 children out. He is scared of taking the risk of moving to be closer to me (whether living together or in a separate house but same area) as he feels my sons will cause trouble and it won't work out. My children want to see me happy, and I want to be happy for them. I am so up and down that I don't feel I am being a good role model to them. I need to find a way of being a happy positive person. I am struggling right now even with a beautiful daughter and a little boy who give me so much joy, and 2 older boys who can be so loving when they want to be.
I received a text from my so-called partner a short while ago making out he is going out with a woman this afternoon. Of course, it hurts, which was the intention. I know he is hurting too but I have not hurt him intentionally. It is just that we don't seem able to meet in the middle somewhere.
I was feeling ok before the text and now I feel quite bleak. He has the knack of upsetting me at the beginning of the day, so just in case I was feeling ok before I won't be now.
Hello littlemissmiddle
That is not a nice thing to do, to tell you about a "date", surely he should be seeking to reconcile things, not to hurt you? Please don't reply to the text and engage in this.
You are doing a good job with your four, hold on to that. Remember that if he really loves you he would rather be with you even on a more limited basis, than with anyone else.
Hi Littlemissmiddle,
so sorry to hear that. 
Remember you are not responsible for his choices. And you, too, have a choice about how much you let this affect you. Do you really want to give him so much power over how you feel? I know this sounds harsh and it's not easy, but you have made so much effort already and you are clearly putting your children first! You are doing a terrific job.
Maybe it's a bit late for today, but you could choose to do something you really really love, just to pick yourself up a bit?
Rooting for you!
Thanks for the replies. I am afraid I did text back, and ended up just getting really low and tearful. We have now had a long talk on the phone, but basically his solution is his way or no way. I have to make up my mind to move there for good, get my children to move with me and if they won't they will have to go to their Dad's. He will not budge. He says the children are welcome there. I have tried to explain it is my eldest son's last year of school (GCSE year), and that changing school would be really difficult. He says I shouldn't hide behind this. That my son won't want to move anyway because of his girlfriend, that she is more important to him than school. That is probably true - she does seem more important to him, although having said that he does have plans as to what he wants to do with his qualifications, ie, applying for college in September. I don't know what to do. I hate the thought of being on my own. I hate the thought of my one year old missing out on a loving dad. I love seeing him with her and with my youngest son. And we do things together that I probably otherwise wouldn't do on my own. He makes things fun. It is a shame that there is this animosity between him and my eldest two (particularly the eldest). My children say they will accept him if we live together, but I don't think they envisaged having to move 50 miles away from friends, school and relationships.
No-one can make this decision for you, unfortunately...It seems sad that he doesn't think it is viable to wait one more year, till your son has done GCSEs, and if your relationship is strong, it would withstand that.
Try not to be dragooned into a decision, think very clearly about what is best.
I really do feel for you being faced with all of this. I agree with Louise when she says its a shame he feels unable to wait a year for your son to do his GCSEs...
Hi littlemissmiddle - very apt name!
I am sorry to read your dilemma, but I need to say that looking at if from the outside, I too am a bit concerned about your partner reaction - his way or no way?
Eh? You are the mother of 4 children, not 2. You need to be there for ALL your children at this stage in their lives.
I understand that you want your 2 youngest to live the life of 'happy families', however you are not actually the one who is stopping this. If you partner moved closer to you, all would be well, however your chap is not prepared to move, but expects you to, your chap doesn't respect your parenting techniques, but the only advice he can give is a look that leads you to act out of character. When you were initially feeling extremely low, you weren't supported which ultimately led to you running away.
You say that your partner is getting very frustrated becuase you are not living together, where is his concern for you and your dilemma? Where is he in trying to create a compromise? Where is he in making your life easier and supporting you?
Sorry this may not be helpful, but I feel rather annoyed with him! I feel you are feeling torn apart and bending over backwards for someone that is being demanding and also very hurtful - texting you to say he is meeting another woman??? What is that about. I am afraid this behaviour is bordering on controlling.
I would stick to where you are, if you move, he would have you over a barrel and it would be harder to leave if you ever wanted to again. This doesn't sound like a positive, nuturing, healthy relationship I'm afraid.
Sorry for the bluntness 
Has been some time since I last logged in. Have re-read the posts which has been very helpful. I am afraid I did not listen to the good advice. I moved and it went horribly wrong again (my eldest 2 stayed with their Dad). I ended up in a situation where my partner rang nspcc because he was concerned about a bruise to my daughter's face. I, at once, knew he was trying to apportion blame on my eldest son. I ended up in hospital for five days with my daughter because neither of us could explain the bruise, and social services became involved. My daughter nearly ended up in someone else's care, and would have if it wasn't for my determination to demonstrate how controlling my partner was and how much I loved my daughter and why she should not be with anyone else. My daughter was released into my care but I had to be supervised by my family until a child protection conference established whether I could care for my 2 young children alone. This was a very traumatic experience for me. I am now living on my own with my 2 youngest whilst my 2 eldest children are still living at their Dad's. However, I am still drawn to my ex.
Writing this now and having re-read the above posts, I know I am being naive to think we may ever resolve our issues. Only the other day, he said he doesn't want to hear about my 2 eldest children as he doesn't care about people who don't give a shit about hime or his relationship with his daughter. We have been on friendly terms (too friendly some would say) since the split, but there is a lot of tension between us too.
I feel he wants to move on, but I get really low when I think about not spending any time with him or speaking to him on the phone each day. He says I am using him as an emotional crutch to hold me up until I have my 2 eldest children living with me again. I am getting used to not having my 2 eldest children with me, and have thoughts of how I can have a relationship with my ex. I know I am living in dream-land to think he will ever move to be nearer to me and our daughter. Sometimes, I think perhaps there is someone out there who could help us resolve the issues between him and my sons, to help us all get along so there is some acceptance between them all.
I feel like we are drifting apart but part of me wants to keep hanging on in there. I find it hard to face a future without him. I can't bear the thought of him with someone else. I can't bear the thought of him just coming to pick our daughter up and not wanting anything to do with me. At the moment he comes in the house to pick her up and we spend some time together, but maybe that is confusing for my daughter?
I don't know how to move on from this.
Hello little miss middle
Gosh you have been through an awful time, and I am sorry to hear that.
Read your last post again...you know the answer to your own questions, you know that staying involved with this man is causing you vast amounts of heartache. I know this feeling only too well as I was involved in a relationship like this some years ago, and I understand it feels like an addiction as strong as any to drugs or alcohol....so let's think of things in terms of THOSE things. What is best? cold turkey or a gradual (but sustained) weaning off?
Yes it will be confusing for your daughter to see daddy there, daddy not there. And when he IS there, it just feeds the "addiction"...and I am guessing one thing leads to another and you may end up sleeping together and so the cycle continues. I feel great sympathy for you; it was a living hell for me. What did the trick for me was that he finally did something so beyond the pale that I just switched off. Now, you can't rely on this man neccessarily doing this, but maybe if you concentrate on his rejection of your children, and what your responsibilities are to them, it might help. Do tell me what you think of my idea of it as an addiciton.........
hiya
dont think im going to be much help here but your fella sounds like a selfish t*sser!.. and if you stay with him no doubt a few years down the line when your boys are grown they will fight him, he knows it thats why he wants rid of them.. if he loved you then he'd love everything that belongs to you, warts and all!!.. sorry if i sound harsh but i've been there and my ex partner hated my son when he was younger, like you he had me walking on egg shells watching my boy far too closely waiting for him to mess up in some way!!.. then all of a sudden as he grew and got muscles my ex wanted to be his mate!.. make a decision and move on with your life cos it sounds like your stuck in limbo and thats not healthy for you never mind anyone else..xx
Hi
I'm so sorry that you've been through all of this.
Do be strong. You need to be so you can be there for all of your children.
You need to be strong for you too...
Hi all. Thanks for your comments.
Well, Louise, you would think that when he reported the bruise to nspcc, blaming my son, and I felt like my daughter was going to end up in care, that would have been my turning point. At the time, I really felt like it was the turning point. Once out of the situation, I could reflect on things and convinced myself that I was going to break the cycle for the sake of my children. I decided I did not want my children to see me in an abusive relationship, as I didn't want them to end up doing the same. I want to be in a healthy relationship for mine and my children's sakes. And I want to be there for all my children, not 50 miles away.
I am sure you know how it is, that he gets into my head again, and then my thoughts become muddied by him. I did have happy times with him, but like my mum says, if I get back with him, it is bound to only be short-term happiness before it all goes wrong again.
It is those happy times I am drawn to, and the way he is with our daughter and my youngest son that keeps pulling me back. It is hard with two little ones being on my own, and I long for adult company and a bit of loving ! Doesn't help that I am 41 and wonder who will want me with 4 children and 2 exes. I think I suffer from low self-esteem, probably not helped by this relationship and being at home on my own. Before my daughter, I had a good job and was more confident. But I don't feel ready to go back to work, and do like being at home with my daughter. I also lack family support as I live 120 miles away from my family, and don't really have close friends. I have friends who I used to work with but only see them once or twice a month, so am quite isolated.
Talking on here is helping me to make sense of things again, and I know I need to be strong and get over him. I just find it hard being on my own. If I cut him out of the picture, I kind of feel like I have no one. I wish I could move away and start again to be nearer my mum and sisters, but my boys' lives are here, and it would mean my daughter would be even further away from her Dad. However he treats me, my little girl adores her Daddy and I would not want to break that bond.
Hi littlemissmiddle
I can see that you are trying to think of things logically and yet the feelings that you have are getting in the way.
I would like to ask you to read something...it is a list of the types of partner who may be involved in different types of abuse. "Abuse" is a very emotive word and many people think of it as only referring to physical violence, but what you are going through is in the category of emotional abuse. That may be very difficult to hear. It certainly was for me; I had never viewed myself as a person who would tolerate abuse and how could the relationship be abusive when there were those loving and happy times? well, that was all part of the controlling, you see..... Anyway please will you read this list and tell me what you recognise from it?
Hi Louise
I have already signed up to the online Freedom Programme (yesterday), and had already ordered Pat Craven's book off Amazon before realising I could get it free off the Freedom Programme website (so will now have 2 copies).
I am glad I have started talking on OneSpace again, as it is helping me get more focus. I am avoiding ringing my ex at the moment, and giving myself some space. I did ring today for him to speak to our daughter and just to be friendly with him, but have decided I shall just wait for him to ring to speak to our daughter. I will be friendly with him, but will not be offering him anything other than friendship. I think if he truly loved me, he would be prepared to make compromises and would accept my children, but that has never been the case.
I think what is important now is to focus on my children, to give them all the love and stability they deserve. I admit I have sometimes put my relationship before my children. Recognising that is part of moving on, and trying to make sure I don't do it again.
Got to go, daughter crying. Trying to wean her off her bottle on to a beaker and she's not having it!
Hello littlemissmiddle
I've been split from my ex 15 months now... and I've read the freedom programme and my ex ticked lots of the boxes.. and I've been through 4.5 years of lies, threats, sulks because of not getting his own way.. (both while we were together and apart).
But I have been in denial the whole time about abuse even though he ticked boxes - I always thought of myself as a strong person, my ex has apparently even reported ME to his superiors (he's police) for domestic abuse because we used to argue and so he said that I continuously abused him because I spoke my mind..he's accused me of playing the victim - (he's the one that cheated, I paid to get him out of debt, he made me and our son homeless, he chose to leave the home and he has played me continuously since he left..and when he left, all I asked for was the half the nursery money - everything else I pay for, I dont moan, I just get on wtih my life..I'm not sure how that is playing the victim) yet i still loved him regardless of everything that he said and did
It was only the other day that I was reading something (and I can't remember what it was, but i think it was in a newspaper) and I suddenly thought WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??
It suddenly dawned on me that the whole time he was playing these sick mind games, he was abusing me, now, I dont know how that would stand in a court of law (he keeps threatening me with social services/court etc over access to our son) but I've tried to make a conscious decision that I'm not going to let him do it anymore.. I'm not saying it happens overnight - I still check my phone to see if he's text me, and every time a letter drops through my door I cringe thinking that its a letter from a solicitor.. but, it takes time to recognise these things and moving on from them..
I've stopped texting my ex about progress about our son. If he wants to know what's going on, he can do the phoning and running around. I'm trying not to be scared anymore, and as a mother, you know what is best for you and all your children.. trust your instincts and don't let him bully you.
He could have suggested a move half way .. so its not his house/your house.. he could have done things differently.. take a deep breath every time you hear from him and draft any response two/three times and just keep calm, you'll be doing a good job
Thanks for that post SallyAnn, very helpful. I agree that it is VERY difficult to think of oneself as "an abused person"
Littlemissmiddle, glad you are starting the Freedom Programme, and please feel free to share your thoughts here as much as you wish. Don't worry too much about weaning your little one off her bottle; at times of upheaval children want more "babyish" habits and it will be much easier to do this once things settle down for your family
Hi Sallyann
The point you made about "playing the victim" hit home with me. It was something I was told again and again - that I like being upset, I like being in the middle, I like everything to be a drama, I like being abused ! He even blamed me today for having to go through the social services procedure because I had quoted domestic abuse, leaving his parenting in question. I was also blamed for wrecking his life, and am constantly made to feel guilty that he doesn't live with his daughter. Like you say, he could have moved half way, but it was always that he couldn't move his son - yet I was expected to move my children.
We have talked tonight, and I have told him that I no longer want to try to be in a relationship with him, that I need to get over him. Now he is talking about going to court, which I feel is unneccessary. He has also started blaming my son for the bruise to our daughter's face and is saying he will make people aware the risk my son presents to our daughter. I am not frightened or bullied by this. This was raised in the child protection conference, and there have been no restrictions placed on my son visiting whilst my daughter is at home.
I would like to remain friends with him for our daughter's sake. I already have a difficult relationship with my other children's fatther, and it is definitely not in the children's best interests.
I am finding it hard to think about letting him go, but I know I need to stay strong. Only tonight my 5 year old heard us "discussing" things on the phone and said he was scared and wanted me to put the phone down. Obviously the nature of our relationship in the past has left an impact on my son, so I know that I cannot have a relationship with this man - it is not only the emotional / psychological abuse of myself that I need to think about but also the emotional abuse that my children have suffered from witnessing the unhealthy relationship I had (and still have to some extent) with this man.
I am so glad I found this website to share my thoughts - it is so difficult to share them with friends and family, and much easier to share them with others who have similar experiences.
I am waiting on counselling at the moment, but whether it will help I am not sure. Never had counselling before so don't really know what to expect.
Ah yes, I was always stupid or making a drama...
Be strong. And if you can't be friends (impossible in the end here), then accept it rather than worry too much about it.
He's always going to be there, as I know you know, and something I don't always deal too well with here even after a number of years.
If he chooses to go to Court then that's his choice and his expense. I have to say that I wanted ex to take me, but he never did...
You've just got to be strong, the last week all i wanted to do was email/phone my ex, and I'm so proud of not doing it... at 2am this morning, I just wanted to text and say "hi".. i dont know why...
If he wants to go to court, let him.. I know its really easy to say that.. I, in some ways want my ex to take me and make stuff official (it might even show that he cares a little about his son), but I dont think he really will. He can just about get his @rse out of bed to go to work... lol. Its just empty threats.
This type of man is just a bully and they try to scare us..
I still don't think of myself as an "abused woman", but, recognising the traits that he has, means its put his behaviour into some perspective.. and I'm hoping that it will let me have some closure in the weeks that follow, something that up until now, I don't think I've been able to get close to achieving, because I always had that thought of "i loved him when....". I've started to now correct myself and say "i guess i loved him, but that person has gone..." And also, the mind games, hte love yous, the miss yous, the hate yous, they are all a game to him.
Littlemissmiddle, i think you are doing the right thing, my son was only 2 1/2 when his dad left, and we had him under consultants for autism.. since his dad left, a lot of the symptoms of his autism are a lot less noticeable - he doesn't run around in circles when he hears me raise my voice, he doesn't get as distressed, he doesn't spend his time concentrating on lining cars up and then moving htem around in a corner of hte room and he's a lot more outgoing (obviously, some of this is to do with his age).. but, even his nursery tell me he's a different child (within weeks of his dad leaving).. Children are a lot more perceptive than we give them credit for.. I guess i have his father to thank for doing the right thing and leaving!
Good luck!
Hi all, long time since I have been on the site. Just thought I would update you. Just to say thanks for the support when I was going through a rough time. Feeling much better now. Come out the other side, I guess. Though things can still be tough at times dealing with exes, sorting contact, ignoring the mind games, etc!
I am now in a new relationship and extremely happy. Finally found someone who is what you would describe as "normal". No, he's not normal, he's actually super-duper and I love him to bits! I looked for warning signs this time, and there have been none! Feel very lucky to have found him.
Anyway, hope you are all doing ok out there x
Hi littlemissmiddle,
Glad to hear you are happy in your new relationship & that you feel lucky to have found your partner. Great stuff
Hope you manage to keep 'handling' the exs, contact etc. effectively - it can become wearing at times, can't it?
Please feel free to come back on the boards & 'run things' past us anytime. You're always welcome.
Mary
Hello littlemissmiddle,
You are indeed stuck in the middle, trying to please everyone and feeling torn in half. Poor you, all you want is everyone to get on together and yet it seems impossible.
You have explained the alternatives very clearly. One thing that that stands out very clearly to me as I read your post is: "we can't make other people do things we want them to do". So you cannot "make" your partner move or "make" everyone get along together. I think you're right: your place is with your eldest two boys, wherever that may be. When you think of it from their point of view, whilst they want you to be happy, their "experience" of your partner is of someone whose presence has made their mum move away from them. Having said that, by the way, I am a great advocate of children understanding that you are a person, not just a parent, and as they get older then their needs become less overriding and your needs as an adult can come into the foreground more, certainly by the time they are 17 or so.
It is perfectly possible to salvage this relationship if your partner is able to think of how it would be if the boot were on the other foot, in other words if you said to him you move here but not your son, he has to live with Grandma 50 miles away....bet he would not be happy with that, and so might understand how you have felt in this situation. If you do all end up together in a larger house then I would suggest House Rules are drawn up by everyone at regular house meetings.....these rules could include things like knocking at bedroom doors. If you do decide to go ahead, I recommend this book which is very down to earth. There is also an interesting and helpful website here
However, do stay focused. I know you love this man but he sounds quite controlling and the fact you had to "flee" rather than discussing the problems and deciding to part in a planned way rings some alarm bells for me. Both of you need to acknowledge you have different parenting styles and there would be a lot of talking to do to decide on a compromise or how to accommodate both peoples' wishes.