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First of all, I am not writing about this topic because I want to go back to him. I just don't know where to draw a line between I can forgive him or not forgive him.
He has decided to receive a counselling because he's struggling. I gave him a counseller's contact details. But apparently he lost it and decided to see my previous counsellor for himself. Yes he asked for my permission and the counsellor knows about it. Because my previous counsellor knows our situation....was his decision to go to the same person. Is it sere arrogance? Or do I just have to think that's logical?
A couple days ago, he said that what he did to me was surely not that bad. I asked him to put himself in my shoe. Or just imagine if our daughter came home and said Daddy I'm beaten by someone I really love. Quite frankly, he said coldly I don't know. In my opinion, he wants to prove that it was justifyable.
Does anybody out there have similar experience to mine or even know somebody who had a miracle cure?
Hello Louise,
Thank you for your reply.The reality's so harsh isn't it？
Fortunately, I have some contact whth my previous counsellor.And she's so good to me.
I had so many losses in my life and hard to except I am going through another one.It's for better I know. How long do I have to wait till this heals？Feel so frustsrated.
Hi KT, how long is a piece of string?!
Some people say that it takes half the length of the relationship to heal, so if you were in it for 10, it will take 5 years, however it is my belief that the answer lies within you.
We can spend a lot of time looking back at the past and dwelling on all that went wrong, how damaged we became, the mess our children have had to endure and the effect it will have on them etc OR we can look to the future, make the most of what we have right now and begin to rebuild our lives without looking back. It is easier said than done, I know, but for myself, once I learnt to accept the past, I moved forward quite quickly, it still surprises me where I am today, 10 years ago I would never have believed it. 
So is your previous counsellor going to see your ex? That sounds quite odd, if you are still in contact with her.
Hi KT
I'm a survivor of domestic abuse.. there is a long way to go. i see you have done the freedom program, what a great program it is. Do you remember the bit where there are warning words such as "it was just only"
To be honest for me I am not on the am I going to hang on to what has happened, done that and went straight into another, but different, abusive relationship. I am not going to forgive either. I have descide that is not for me to do and socitey has no right in making me into a bad person if I don't forgive. With my ex because I have to have contact with him because of the children, I have been able to see the cycle of control he tries to play. Because I am further removed I am not so sucked into it. Still hard.
My goal is to get to a place where I can take or leave him as I would a stranger or some others childs father that I knew from school.
To do that I have had to change the script in my head, I am now going "if he choses not to put the childrens saftey first then that is his call and his choice not mine"
before I would be so scared that I was being the bad mother for having to make them go to someone who emotionally abuses them. By putting the new script in place is allowing me to function easier and keeping the responsiblity with him.
To your question how long does it take to heal. Rather than asking that why not concetrate on you. On finding things you like to do, on things that make you smile, like listening to music you used to dance too, touching objects that remind you of something you achieved by yourself or just you and your children. Let the tears come if they do, be your best friend. Then slowly the question becomes what else can I find out about me, :) , rather than when will I heal and who can fill the void.
Hugs
Great post suneagle
I especially like 'be your best friend', great advice 
Dear Suneagle,
Thank you for you reply. I really appreciate it. I bet you are very strong and good Mother from what I read about you. I lived in the U.K. for the last 20 years and now I am back in my own country. The cutural shock though it's been nearly a year since we came back. Yes, my child is very happy except she misses her Dad. I have lost confidence in myself so much, I don't feel brave enough to go out and get a job either at the moment. I guess this is my denial of losing my culture I'm used to, the marriage and the losses (Mother when 6 and grand father after 6 months then my husband's family, miscarriages and now) I experienced and hard to except I am going through another loss. The reality is that I am far away from there and I live with my child, not greatest support but my family. I try to think the best for my daughter then I feel that I should go back to Engalnd. This causes the dilemma within myself too. And I wish my husband could recover then I can go back there to live, not with him though.However to do that, I have to learn to let go of my anger towards him, dissapointment, be financially independent. I feel that it is such a long way.... But it is good to know that there are many people out there like yourself that I can take a pinch of salt, in fact more than a pinch. I don't want to get beaten by this. I had so many good things there and met wondeful people there. Here, I have to start from scratch though I was born here. That's really scary. You are so brave and I can see you are definitely rebuilding your life.
Hugs too.
Dear Anna,
Yes, my counsellor is going to see him. Because I said that it was o.k. when he asked me. I am not receiving the counselling from her as I am overseas now. But just to let her know that I was fine about him seeing her. Nothing personal going on but I know she would support me if necessary. Initially I gave him a different counsellor's contact number then he came back to say he had lost it. Sounds odd but I did not think he would be comfortable going to see a male counsellor because of his low self esteem. Sad but true. though it is my assumption.
The reason he wanted to see her was because she knew our situation and he thought it would be better that way. I cannot deny that. Though I felt that he was trying to prove he had justifyable reason for certain constraints that he had to go through in our marriage. I.e, I could not accept his family though it was the other way around and he expected me to except their attitude-like his siter tearing the photo of him and myself in the middle to make a snapshot of her wedding photos(not in front of me but saw the frame in her house. it really hurt me though it's nearly 20 years ago but I can shrug it off now
The trouble with this family is that they are all in discord with each other and if anyone new would come then it is a threat to them. And I was to them hence the denial. I guess when I say healing, I mean that I am going through that psychological loss of my Mother again looking at my child who also lost her Dad at the same age as when I lost my Mum. Also back in my own country, the sensations of all levels are raw.
When I left Engalnd, I knew my family woud be better for my daughter because they are more stable people. So here I am. But the truth is though, no matter how bad the parents are, the children's prime attachment are their parents so long as they had some healthy relationship. And I feel that my child had that. I had to think the safety of myself and the child first. I left. Yes it was good because she finds my family a great comfort.
But, I compare many practical things between here and there too. And this does not let me move on because I can't make up my mind. I feel guilty to let my daughter go through the same thing as I had to.i.e., they have so many school events they invite family and she will have to feel the difference like I did. Financially, it is rediculous that I have to buy so many things for schooling here,....i.e. satchel 300 pounds, notebooks, painting etc etc, nearly 100 pounds, more expensive M.O.T., renewal contract of the flat 2000 pounds every year. I keep thinking which is better for my child.
In Engalnd, many systems are catered for all sorts of people because of the cultural diversity, like this website, counselling and NHS etc... I am not just talking about the financial side here. There is a place for those who feel inferior because of the stigma.... I don't look British at all naturally, but my child does. Here she's always called a half... They mean well because they love Europeans. I wnat her to be in a place where she can learn about excepting all sorts of people but it would be difficult here.
I built my confidence in Engalnd. I did a degree, I worked I met wonderful people. I cannot move on from the good things and not necessarily bad things. Here, my family and realtives do not understand my concept because I'm no longer a typical Japanese. They have not seen me for such a long time. I do not have a strong tie with people like I did there. Only because I feared for my own safety and my daughter's, I came here. But the reality is different.
Good morning KT
I understand all the things you are thinking, and I know you want the very best for your daughter. It sounds as if one of your worries would be that she is "different"...are there no other Europeans there that she can also meet?
As for your anger, can you imagine it as something physical? I mean something like a lead ball or maybe something hotter such as a glowing coal. Imagine what you can do with that object. You can throw cold water on it, you can lock it away in a heavy chest to which only you have the key, you can build an imaginary wall around it so it stays away from you...do you see what I mean? Visualisations are very powerful and if you can't get rid of an emotion, such as anger, this is a good way to feel "safe" with a strong emotion.
KT
You have just come from such a shock, things need to settle down for a while. You say that you are there because your family is stable and that is probably the right thing to do for now. But stable can feel boring. Then there is the things that have been shut off for so long because you would have been in flight, fight or stay still mode. When you feel safer then everything tends to come to the fore front. The questions the doubts, and for me the flash backs.
Write them down but only allow 20 mins each day for them, that way theya re out of your head but aren't allowed to take over the present.
physical excersise really helps, it helps to get rid of agression, release pent up frustration, and the tears. It helps you stay in the here and now and feel tired if you are not sleeping and wake and alive. It does so much it is worth dragging yourself from the TV or computer to do some. It also has the plus piont of you start to feel good about yourself as well.
Allow your daughter to talk about her father, you can seperate the two. It is hard at first, but it does get to a piont where it is like your daughter talking about a teacher.
my children are different and they know they are as they are bright sparks, they are disabled, they talk differently, they can't do the things that others can. So I do a mix of things, they go to a school designed for them, then they do some activities with other disabled children and they do other activities where they are the only one that has a disability. We have the tears and my heart breaks for them and in an ideal world I would want the stable two parent family with no differneces in the world, but that would be boring and I'm sure bring its own challenges. Between us we find a way to muddle through and a way to accept who we are and then others. I know my children are going to have so many more tools to deal with life than I did.
Try seeing this time as a gap stop, where you can stay or leave when you are ready. For now use it for time to heal. Not just you but your daughter too.
After all she has a Mum who has achieved so much, a Mum who is stronger than she knows and will bring the best into her daughters world.
Hugs
Woo hoo suneagle! Another great post! Thank you!
KT it sounds a little like you are waiting for your ex to 'recover', as suneagle has said, this is the time to be concerned for yourself and your little girl, as you never know if he will ever 'recover'
At this moment in time it wouldn't matter whether you were in the UK or in Japan, you would still be going through all these emotions. One place won't necessarily make you feel better than another. Find happiness within yourself again, then it won't matter where you are.
How often are you speaking with your ex currently?
Good morning Louise! I guess it is good evening there Thank you for your precious advice.
Sounds good idea to od the imaginary visualisations. I will try. As for the numbers of Europeans, it is virtually zero here. Due to the nature of industry round here. My daughter would like to meet English people but sometimes do not want to for various reason... I think deep down she would like to see English people....
Dear Suneagle,
You always bring me tears and comfrot for what you tell me. And thank you for sharing your personal matters with me. It is very hard to talk about my husband with the child. As I end up telling her why we cannot live with him.... For our own safety and the bitterness I have towards him. Not very good parenting then I realise so often that my child holds happy life in her memory and want to believe that her Daddy is a good person in many ways. The children are so pure. I have lots to learn from her. I do let her talk about him and talk to him on skype. But sometimes because of what I tell her about him, she does not want to talk to him... It's been a year since the incident. I have lots to over come and I hope I can. I used to be the person who would say being different is beautiful when I was in the U.K. Because the society allows you to be different. I was also in work places where I was dealing with minority groups of various kinds. I found this great joy and pride within myself. I must admit that it is not so easy to feel here. The people are expected to act together... Very comformitive if you like. I hope I can teach her that here too. I feel for my daughter who is feeling the great loss. I was not allowed to talk about my Mother after her death. It affected me greatly. So I do let my daughter talk, I try at least. Difficult to appreciate the child's perspectives so often because of my egocentric attitude perhaps. I need a little more time to heal from this too... Yesterday, I went to her school she will be going from April to purchase schooling kit she needs to.. I felt a little comfort in this. The reality does help, doesn't it? I totally agree with you.
What a great Mum you are...
Dear Anna,
Thank you for your reply. At the moment Only when my daughter wants to Skype him.He doesn't ring us unless we want him.So once a week.It's not beause of his selfishness but rather he only wants us to be happy.This was always like this.He always said this.I believe this is due to his lack of self esteem.He gave me a sole parental responsibility,never stopeped me leaving him either.But he sent me a skype text yesterday telling me about pancake day.He thinks I can be normal with him？
Hello KT, Anna's comment that wherever you lived you would be going through the same emotional process about the end of your relationship....that feels very important to me and worth remembering!
Hello, I was in a similar situation myself and my husband tried to get help from counselling but it didn't help him, after we split he went to a psychiatrist and admitted and apologised for everything but when I said I didn't want to meet up with him he turned nasty again.
I do think people can change, but they need to admit and accept what they have done and prove they have changed. If it happened once or twice and he's getting help that's great but if it's an every day/every week thing then he probably doesn't see a need to change in my opinion xxx
Dear Colie,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have been married for 18 yeras and yes, there were three times it happened. Our marriage suffered from the stress we had. His family not excepting me and I couldn't move on from that. I had recurrent miscarriage recently and it triggered his inpatience hence the last incidence. We became co-dependent I guess.Him not being a socialble person and I cut off from my friends because of miscarriges. I find it hard to believe he would recover from it. Because he was a neglected child, find it hard to get close to people. For some reason, he has very low self esteem towards male peer. He supports us financially, very fair, very logical person.Emotional level, not much hardly any sympathy... blockage of his own thing I think. He will go out to help others if asked bending backwards. Perhaps that is his way of getting close to people. He had a temper problem apparently when he was a child. But I have to give him credit for working a prestige company though he came from being tossed around foster family and children's home. He was not allowed to go in one of the houses so he used to walk miles and miles till he could go back to the house. He wanted to be at his grand parents' rather than at someone's house so he used to run away. Do we streoype him here then? Yes, I do at some degree.But I do not want to call him an abuser to be honest. He has a problem but also I often think about humanity. He says he did hid best. I believe in him. If that is his best he could, then what else or how much more could I expect out of him? I will not tolerate of his behaviour which caused the broken down of our marriage but also our child's insecurity it caused. His own family cannot support him as much as I could. I will not go back to him but I hope that he will gain something from his counselling.
Hello Louise,
I really apprecaite what you and Anna says. I guess it makes harder for me here in Japan. Sure, I am going through the end of the relationship and it would be the same there as far as that is concerned. What makes it even harder for me is that I am feeling so many losses here that I would have felt less there. You know it is a bit like Oh, I remeber going there with my Mum, remeber being with that person in certain places. But Once you are away from there your sensations are less. When I am out with my daughter and my family, it reminds me of loss of my Mother. It brings back the sadness of losing her looking at my family. But also looking at my daughter too, not only I have to except that she lost her Dad but I lost my husband, my daughter is reminding me of the loss of my Mother because of her age. If I were to be in Engalnd, the loss would not be so significant because my husband will be still around, less sensitive about my Mother because my daughter will be seeing him but also I feel that my sensations of loss of my Mother will subside too.
Hello KT yes I understand what you re saying to me, there are too many memories where you are living now. I wonder, though, whether the pain would always be there...my own instinct says that the pain WOULD diminish with time.
It sounds as if dealing with the death of your Mum would make your head much clearer. Did you speak to the psychotherapist about this? I wonder if as that little six year old girl you were "allowed" to grieve properly? Personally I think you may need to go back to that time (in your head) and express your grief as if you were still six. When we get to be adults we rationalise things, understandably, but this can mean that raw emotion gets overlooked.
It also sounds as if you are leaning more and more towards returning to the UK. Have you given some thought to the things we talked about in terms of jobs and where to live if you made this decision? I wonder if you would feel differently if you had been through the emotional process I have outlined above?
Dear louise,
Than you for your kind comment. I had a proper counselling about my Mother while I was in the U.K. I think it is because I am in a different setting and also my family being around, different issues have surfaced or the same issues but in a more real way. People behave and feel differently in different environments. I am shocked to go through this because I thought I had dealt with it. At the same time, I enjoy being just with my daughter here in Japan as it recalls the time I had with my Mother. Much stronger than when I was in the U.K. I believe that this is because we both speak to each other in Japanese too as well as the setting is in Japan and Mother-daughter interaction being there. It was not as raw as this when we were in the U.K. My friends all said to me that the child would not be happy unless the mother was happy. I thought I was if I returned here. The interaction with her is very special because it reminds me of good time with my Mother. But this is not about me I have to think about my daughter too. I am beginning to feel that I am more denial about the loss. i.e., desperate to divorce him but can't go through physically(going to the civic office here etc.). If I get a job here I have to feel that's ultimate and feels like saying good bye to my life there but also accepting that my marriage is over then left with my child... This is really scary. The loss is huge for me.
My daughter is losing her English already and also I am beggining to process my thoughts in Japanese not as fluent as in English but I know in time, I will lose the fluency of my English. Here English speakers are sort after but the level I will be using wouldn't be as intense as I would be in Engalnd. It ould be a shame to lose all I did in the U.K. I was also told by a career adviser here that it would be difficult for me to work in a office as I was away for such a long time. I think I have to sort out this mess..... I will be seeing my clinical psychologist this Saturday. As for the residency in the U.K., I will be renting out somewhere I am familiar with.. If I were to come back... Monthly payment from him would cover the rent. The job wise... I must contact somebody from here what I can do when I return as my degree is quite old now and also have not worked for such a long time... I do volunteer work here similar to the job once I did in the U.K., if necessarily, get retrained when I go back. I am little panicking I think.... But sometimes I feel that it is o.k. to be here too. Indecisive I am
Hello KT
I wonder how it would be if you and your daughter spoke English together, keep you both in practice? and a really really good skill for her to have two languages. I worked with a lady from Argentina who lived here in the UK and she always spoke with her children in Spanish so therefore they were totally bilingual.
Louise,
Thank you as always. I am trying but you need to have friends who speak English too.
It is difficult here. Off to my counselling tomorrow. Do you think it would help me to tell our mutual friends (my husband and myself) about what happened? So that I can be in touch with the reality and remind me of myself that his behaviour was not exceptable? Not in a bitter manner but sometimes talking to the frineds who know both of us help? Or is it not very kind to him? Sorry I'm changing my subject.... Hope you had a good valentine's day.
Hi KT, hope the counselling goes well tomorrow.
Do you think that it would help to tell your friends? what do you think your friends reaction will be to this information?
I feel that this is something you will need to think over carefully, it is quite natural to want to tell others about our partners bad behaviour but we should think carefully about the reasons that we are doing it, are we trying to elict some sympathy, get them on our side etc or as you say to remind you that his behaviour is unacceptable, for this you would have to constantly be telling others.
Telling a close friend is totally different from telling all yours and his friends, your right though that talking with others will help.
I am celebrating Valentines day a day late this year, i am of to the shops later in the hope of picking up a bargain
HelloSally,
Thank you for your reply. My counselling was good. I had to drive for an hour in blizzard though！Hope you found a good bargain.They give chocolate to the loved one here.Usually women to men.People love the green tea flavour based on the tea powder they use for tea ceremony.The taste is much more delicate and flavoursome compared to the ordinally green tea.My daughter loves it. We made it together.she left me one out of 10.I didn't know till she told me and I saw the dark moss green ring around her chops.She had trouble sleeping the night thanks to the cafeine！I didn't get much sleep either (*^_^*)
Aha the tell tale chocolate round the mouth! 
Updates
My daughter graduated her kindergarten.
She's starting her school in April.
I am not ready for this.My psychologist tells me that my daughter will have identity problems when she grows and better off being there.
I have so many things I would like to discuss with parenting specialist.
Can anyone skype？
Hello KT we don't do skype here; we keep things on the public forum for your safety and so that all can benefit.
I am concerned to hear that the psychologist thinks your daughter may have an identity crisis, why is this and can they see manifestations? Are they saying that she would be better off in the UK, and why?
Hello Louise,
Thank you for your reply. I thought that parenting specialists might do Skyping... Sorry. Thank you anyway.
With regard to my daughter's indentity problems are related to be her being only a person with white cocasion if you like. The self is developed not only from within oneself but also the evaluations of others's perception which can be associated with the self evaluations and also linked to the development of self esteem. From my expereince in the U.K. as being in a mixed marriage and aslo having lived there for such a long time, I also went through a huge identity problems. The difference here and there is though that the people are more appreciative and know how to celebrate the cultural diversity in the u.k. It does happen to some kids who come from mixed parents in the U.K. too. But my daughter will be very very prominent here. We want to believe that it is rubbish and being different is beautiful. But in different society, it is not always easy.Also my daughter is already saying that mummy I want black hair, want to look like Japanese...I heard from her teacher that there was a boy from the same mixed marriage as I did and he was saying the same thing as my daughter. One thing I learned from my previous work from there is that Britain has different history and know how to tackle those issues much more than here in Japan due to the immigrant's purpose of the entry into this country is based on the economic matters.Though they have like a slogan of 'mutural repsect' referring to the cultural understandings of each other, in another word us and them to me..., there is a strong notions of outsiders being outsiders except that someone like my daugther is very celebrity being called' half', which my daughter hates it!
Sorry it is long again...
I just noticed my grammar is rubbish... Oh, I am going through identity crisis here in Japan too
Hi KT, my daughter is mixed race and if anyone said that she would have an identity crisis because of this, I would be feeling very upset too.
I truly believe that our children feel comfortable within their own skin, if their parents are comfortable with it. Your daughter may want black hair - my daughter wants long hair, but sometimes life doesn't give you what you want!
I know it is hard, we want our children to have the perfect lives without any upset, however wherever your daughter goes, she will always be mixed. In the UK, she will be seen as mixed. White people won't see her as white and Asian people won't see her as Japanese. She will always be mixed heritage.
We have to encourage our children to learn about aspects of every culture and to help them to respect and expect respect from others, regardless of our make up.
You might be interested in this website Intermix - which has lots of different information regarding mixed race and peoples experiences.
Do you want to return to the UK?
Hi Anna,
Thank youI know what you say.I am one of those who really appreciate the aspect of cultural diversity and I worked in the setting where the diversity is to be celebrated.
If I can work doing a similar thing-,Britain is the best place to learn.
I wish I could go back but not sure if I can get a job.Here I can teach English but I know I will lose a lot of it eventually.Like I did with my Japanese. I also feel I could end up losing part of my important identity, equal if I stayed here.
will check the website you suggested.looks really interesting.I really wanted to work in the field like this.Race,identity.etc.Thank you.K
Well you never know, you might be in the perfect position to do just that. You must have learnt a lot about about British culture, you could hold private lessons for people that want to know.
Would you consider holding conversation classes only in English? Keep watching English films and reading English and it is unlikely to go away.
How about you and your daughter having a cultural evening together once a week/month. Where you discuss your uniqueness and different aspects of the two different cultures, perhaps watching an English film and eating typically English food one time, then swap the next?
Hello KT
Yes it is indeed possible for an abusive person to change their ways and to learn a different way to be in relationships.However, it does mean that the person has to be willing to confront, acknowledge and take responsibility for their behaviour, work on understanding the causes, undertake anger mangement and behaviour counselling.....you get the picture, it is a pretty major thing. Alongside the Freedom Programme, which I know you have done, some areas offer Perpetrator Programmes. One of the hardest things is to effect a change in a perpertrator's mindset...they often tend to think "she drove me to it" or "I was ok until she....."
It does sound as if you daughter's dad is willing to go through the motions at least, but that he has not accepted the reality of what happened or what he did.