Hi, I am a single mum, I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. I'm from New Zealand and have been here for 10 years. My marriage to my previous partner(husband) failed, in large part due to the difficulty of settling in the Uk in a very isolated and not particularly accepting community of outsiders in Cornwall. I am also part Chinese so have even had to deal with a few racist remarks. Very foolishy after my marriage completely broke down I fell into a relationship, I know I should have packed up and gone home and I wish to God I had, but after being neglected and alone for 7 years I was starved for human contact.
I was with this person for 2 years, when I fell pregnant, we had spoken often about family, it was not planned but we also took no precautions to prevent pregnancy. I thought we both wanted the same thing.
I went home to NZ at this time for my nieces 5th Birthday, I invited the father to come too but he declined saying that he could not due to work comittments. I was there for 3 weeks. On my return, I found out on route whilst in transit in Dubai that he had cheated on me with his prior girlfriend, it was posted to Facebook. He would not not answer any of my calls, email, texts to try and find out what was going on. He picked me up when I arrived in the UK, was hostile and angry towards me, and has treated me this way ever since.
I tried to see if he wanted to work at the relationship for the baby's sake, I waited for 6 weeks, givng him the time and space he requested. I told him he has to decide what he wants. He did nothing, after 6 weeks I decided I could not sit round waiting anymore, I had to plan for the baby and take care of myself, so that;s what I did.
I had no support financially ot otherwise from him or his family for the whole time I was pregant and none afterwards, thou they all adore R, and am excluded and not accepted.
If I could have jumped on a plane on gone back I would have but at the time I had no money and was in debt, and my parents both died sometime ago so could not ask for help. I thought I was doing the right thing by R by staying until I was on my feet and could save some money.
Once she was born the father and family started taking an interest and I promoted their relationship with her even thou it is clear I am not welcome.
I returned to work part time when she was 11 months, it was a very difficult time. Prior to my return to work he would see her whenever he felt, I got very little notice, and felt always on call to him, I am afraid of saying no to him, as he makes me pay for it and it is easier to let him get his way. I told him at this time his access would be more structured to fit in with our lives. He instantly said it was unreasonable and threatened me with mediation and court. My proposal was that he have her from 11.30 - 6.00 every Thursday and 10.30 - 5.30 evry other saturday. (I would like to point out that we never lived together at anytime - I have been boarding for the last 4 years).
It has always been my goal to return to New Zealand to bring R up with the love and support of my family and friends in my beautiful land. I could have gone anythime as he was not on the birth certificate, but I wanted to do it right and I did not want him to 'not be apart of her life'. So I approached him this August and told him of my plans. He was understably upset, and we have been locked in litigation since. I think it is relevant to say at this point that he has paid very little maintenance - £800 to date, and only restarted just before court procedings occurred. He also only resumed his Saturday contact after 4 months of voluntary cancellation due to his 'heavy work committments.
We went to court on the 21st of December - I lost. I cannot go home to live and cannot take R out of the UK to live. Mostly based on the fact the unfortunately due to my small family, my sister and my 2 nieces (my parents died a while back and my brother in a car accident) and he has a large family, one that he proclaimed to see more than he actually does for the beneift of the courts) He also attack the strength of my relationship with my sister, claiming that I had resentment towards her due to the death of my father, and although there may have been some truth to this at the time it was a long time ago, and since then she has had 2 girls and we are all very close.
I can't describe how heart broken I am. But I also am terrified I am going to lose my baby, because I know that they want to take her from me and they will not stop and they will do anything and tell any lies thay want. I want to move away from here because it is unbearable and I am so unhappy but I am afraid the courts will stop me from moving. I have dim prospects here, both for work and relationships, as I am so distrustful of people here, everyone knows everyone and I can't do anything without it being reported to the father, he even knows if I go the the doctors surgery then I get accused of not informing him about R's health, never mind that it was for me.
I've been looking at places like Christchurch (because it reminds me of home) or Southampton, I would like to be close to The New Forest so I can do things with R outdoors. I know he will try and stop me, he doesn't just mean i can't go to nz but that R will live in Padstow and Padstow only.
If anyone has any advice, please I would appreciate it. Thanks for listening.
Dear Mary,
Thank you for removing our names, I have not used an online forum before and did not think. We were all stunned by the judges decision and so were quite unprepared for it, thou I feel nothing goes my way so should not be surprised. He now does have parental responsibility as it was granted in court. He picked her up today for the first time since the court hearing and it was awful, which is how I ended up on Onespace, trying to find out more about how CSA makes fathers pay maintenance. I confronted him about his lie about having given cash for maintenace payments and he admitted he lied, which of course I know but he said it was 'how he played it'. I know he will try and stop me leaving here or have our daughter taken from me, we have to go back to court in a month to have an order on contact as in now wants her overnights in fact he wants her 50/50 I just don't understand how he can abandon us not support then down the line just swoop in and take her from me. I mentioned I was boarding, and becuase of this situation I still breastfeed occassionally, I feel very pressured to keep her quiet. But he told the courts that I was doing it delibrately to make access difficult and the Judge believes this is the case. So now I feel pressured to stop. I also have to find new accommodation as my landlady needs me to move out which is fine because I really want to have a place for just me and my girl. Of course by relocating I will be relying on benefits until I can work and also want to do a course in business administration to reflect my current skills so want somewhere affordable but with good services as I do not drive.
There is no real question here, just talking....
Hi
I hope you're coping today with daughter with her father.
I'm sorry that his family are not making you feel welcome. Is there any family member that you do feel comfortable with? I know that I would have been lost without the support of my ex-in-laws since my divorce (although she is his step mother).
If you find that you are able to move, would moving perhaps to Devon mean a happier community? Not to far from the baby's father, and as my sister lived there for a few years, moving there alone, I know she loved it and found it welcoming. She went to work in Exeter, moving from North Wales.
I know this is easy for me to say, but as I have lost my parents and my brother and sister live a long way away from me, it was good knowing the children did have family about. They rarely babysat for me, and wouldn't have the children without me being there, but knowing there was someone I could phone to discuss situations was always handy. I was married for 20 years and have four children (now quite grown up) and their Father has chosen to have very little contact with them.
Do talk here as much as you want. The support here can be amazing, and having different suggestions thrown into a pot can sometimes help.
That's a lovely post, sparkling.
aoteora, it's fine for you just to come on and talk. It's clearly a very worrying time for you - especially with your ex partner lying blatantly and then admitting he is making things up to your face!
Please do keep in touch on the boards. There is a strong community here and a lot of support to be had.
Thinking of you,
Mary x
Hi aoteroa
Just a quick welcome to One Space from me.
He really should be paying child support, especially as he is so keen to have Parental responsibility!!! Have a look at this site (click)to check out your options.
As Mary says, you will always find a listening ear and some good support here 
Thank you. I think it will have to be done thru a child support agency as we had a arrangement that he did not honour and it was a very small amount. But he has told the courts he has given me cash which I have never received. So because I have no trust in him, nad becuase he uses it as a form of power over me, and for protection against his lies I will approach the CSA, he also gets paid different amounts throughout the year due to the nature of his business, as well as bonuses from the family business, I'm afraid they will just hide a lot of his income and give it to him in otherways that cannot be seen. But I guess it doesn't matter, I've hardly ever had anything from him so it won't be any different.
Thank you for your comments. No, I cannot talk to any of the family. I do not trust anyone. I will always promote my daughters relationship with her family, which is difficult for me because I am constantly afraid they will turn her against me. She is only 2 years old and has come home saying terrible hurtful things to me such as 'i don't like you mummy, 'i don't need you, i don't want to live with you, i want to live with daddy', and fXXX you mummy. I am a good mother, i know she loves me, my work colleagues and friends, child minder and health propfessional all comment on what an advanced vocabulary, social and happy child she is, so i know she does not really feel this way towards me but it is still very upsetting. I'm so worried that soon she will come to realise that i am not welcome and I don't want her to ever feel she has to choose, i want her to be happy and have a large network of people but i don't want to lose her either or have her hate me.
It is simply appalling that your ex's family are happy to manipulate such a small child in this way. I'm glad you can see through it, but it must be horrible to hear your little girl say such things.
Louise is right, you should contact the CSA as soon as you are able and arrange payment through them - that way every payment he does make can be tracked.
Please try to stay in the 'now'; you have a lovely daughter who adores you. The future may well be difficult, so make the most of the present.
Mary x x
Hi aoteroa and welcome to One Space from me
I am back from the christmas break and just been reading your messages.
I can hear that you are worried about losing your daughter or have her hate you. At this moment, she doesn't know what she is saying. It is horrible that your ex's family are saying things to her, to make her come home and say this stuff to you, however your relationship with her is the strongest.
I had a similar situation with my daughter when she was tiny, she is now 18 and we have a brilliant relationship. What I would try and do when she says those things (whilst she is so little) is to just brush them aside, don't let her see that it upsets you. You can say "Well I need you, I want you to live with me and I love you being around" When she swears get down to her level and look her in the eyes and say quite quietly if possible "It is not ok to use words like that in our house, we don't speak like that", if she continues with it she is only trying to see how far she can push you, test your boundaries.
Right now, you need to keep being strong and show your little girl that you are the strong one in all of this and you won't put up with any nonsense from his family, nor her either. You are going to do it your way. And have faith in yourself, it sounds as though you are doing a grand job.
How was Christmas?
Hi there aoteroa,
Welcome to One Space.
I was really saddened to 'hear' your story, and surprised that a judge had come down in favour of your ex partner (especially as you say you were never married, plus his name is not on R's birth certificate, which would have given him parental responsibility).
Please don't wind yourself into a frenzy with regard to losing your baby. From the account you have written above, I see no reason why this would happen. I appreciate what you are saying about your ex and his family bending the truth to suit their neeeds/wants, but they would have to prove that R would be at risk if she was left in your care.
As regards moving within this country - I am not aware of any legislation which dictates a mother must stay within the same area as her estranged partner. It is not as though you are moving and saying your ex can not visit his daughter. I would run the whole thing past the Citizen's Advice Bureau, whose website you can find here to see whether they have any useful information to pass on, and also our legal expert here (although they will not be available to respond until the beginning of the new year, writing it all down and gettting it 'out of your head' might help in the short term).
Wishing you the best of luck,
Mary
(Jut so you are aware; I removed your given name and your daughter's name from your original post to protect you privacy.)