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Dear all
I've been separated from my husband for just over a year, have 2 kids ages 4 and 5. We've been a couple for 10 years, married for 7, always had lots of intense arguments but it got worse after the children. He overreacts to things, makes mountains out of molehills, tries to emotionally punish me. It came to a point that I couldn't take it any more, and after he said "why don't you just leave?" too many times, I did.
We jointly own a home without a mortgage but he refused to leave so I had no option but to find a rental and move into it with the children. We have negotiated shared care.
We emigrated to Australia from the UK 6 years ago, and while I have a lot of acquaintances, I have no close friends here. I think because we are so far from home that we have both been hoping that it isn't the end, and we have been making efforts to try again that seem to last for shorter and shorter periods each time. Each time that we both acknowledge it isn't going to work, I feel dreadfully worried about being alone. He is the closest thing I have to a friend.
Things have gone reasonably well for the children but now and then my eldest starts to baulk at having to part with me. I am finding it really hard to give up on the idea of having a "normal" family, where I can be with my children 24 hours a day, and spend time together as a family that is happy and harmonious. I can't face being a single parent at the age of 40, with little hope of another relationship. All of my acquaintances are still married or together. It feels very frightening to imagine that there might be no going back now, and that my future is going to be about being alone.
Need some reassurance and sharing of positive experiences please
Hello Vathom
I have just welcomed you on the other thread 
Shared parenting is much more common in Australia than the UK and it is indeed a big change to get used to it. You have been through a lot and being with someone for many years means that it feels as if you will always be with him even though that is not the right thing for you. The age of 40 is a WONDERFUL time to be making the decision about how you want to live the next part of your life!! I got divorced at 39 and have had a pretty fab life ever since, both in and out of relationships, although there was one more difficult man along the way...but I have survived and so have my boys
Time to make some new friends too! Have a look at our article Making New Friends
I would also like to say that it is unlikely you will be the only person of your circle whose marriage has broken up as the next two or three years go on and even those that stay together are not neccessarily always happy. So grasp the nettle and move forward, what affects children the most is not parental separation but living in an armosphere of conflict!
Hi Vathom,
I just wanted to say that I was in a similar situation for a while in that I'd moved to Spain with my then-partner and we separated three years later. I also found it difficult to accept reality, particularly as we used to spend a lot of time together as a family, but not as a couple. At the time it was kind of ideal for me, and I got used to having my ex around as a practical support and, more importantly, I didn't have to experience any separate parenting time, which was the hardest thing for me. So it took a long time for us to put clearer boundaries in place.
A quote from one of the support pages here goes (more or less): 'Your survival depends hugely on your ability to wave goodbye to what was, and move forward with what is'. Actually, I think I just made the last bit up!
But it's a very good piece of advice, and particularly in cases like ours where there are other major differences between what was and what is - for me not having my close friends and family near, and having to live in two other languages.
I can't say I always keep to that positive track (I'm currently struggling with the same-old, same-old negative thoughts), but it has definitely helped me to, quite simply, deal with the pain of my dream turning out to be very different from what I hoped it would be. And I also know it's extremely life-affirming for my son that I can be positive about our current situation and our future here.
Just some thoughts, Vathom - go easy on yourself. Oh, and pleeeaaaase try not to angst about never finding another partner - 40 is not old! Australia is enormous! And full of men! Once you get your confidence and your 'self' back, you'll be fighting them off, mate :D Enjoy being single while you still can!
Sending you a large hug,
Lucy
x
Thanks Lucy Parsons for your very warm and supportive post. I think I'm ready to wave goodbye to what was just I'm not sure that what is going to be is a positive thing just yet. There's no going back, but going forward seems so much a step, a lonely step, into the unknown. But your warm words, and others' replies have been so helpful to me. 
We are right here for you Vathom whenever you need us 
What is going to be ....is going to be positive, it can't be any worse than before, because you are now in control of what happens next. There will be tough times sure, but you won't be battling someone who isn't prepared to shift.
Now is the time to perhaps try something new, when you have some 'you' time. Is there a class you could join, that you have never had the time for before?
Hello Vathom - I feel your fear and know of your hopelessness. I met a man who made me feel safe, loved, respected, and worthy who, in return I adored, admired and saw as my hero, some 20years ago. We had a beautiful daughter and he was offered promotion through his company so we moved away from friends and family for a better life.
Life did change and so did he - his work became his world and the people (women) in this world became his distraction, leaving me night after night alone with a 6mth old baby knowing absolutely no one! 18 months later my nightmare came true - he was having an affair!! We parted, he begged for forgivness and after 2yrs I agreed to try again. After awhile things slipped back to what they had been before - I was scared to face the truth but after 13years of aloneness, my dreams were shattered again! He left me for a younger woman. At 51 years old I am starting again - I have worked hard to see the light but, My daughter is my soulmate, my friends are my rock and I am liberated. I am dating and I am laughing again. The future is exciting and I have hope and peace. Learning to love and respect myself. And the fallen hero - bust up with younger woman, using strip joints for .......... and asking me for forgiveness. But this time he will just have his echo as his partner.
Be strong and believe in yourself - with "down's" will come the "up's" - so, ride the crest of the waves when ever they come - its a wonderful feeling! 
Hello DN
Welcome to One Space. Just a little request, if you have used your real name then please change your user name for the sake of privacy. To do this, click on My Profile at the top right of the page then on the Edit tab.
You really have been through some tough times and it is fantastic to hear that you have moved your life on after your separation. Have you got any top tips for others who may be struggling after a break-up?
How old is your daughter now?
Hi Vathom. Welcome along. It sounds as if you've tried on several occassions to make the marriage work, but it obviously isn't. As sad as it is, you both have come to realise this. As for the future and you being on your own, no one knows what is around the corner. You could meet a new man next week, next month or next year, so don't worry about that right now. Being a single parent is hard work at any age I think, and I'm sure you'll soon adapt to it.
Please keep posting, as you'll receive lots of support here.