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Me and my ex had a very short relationship he left after finding out I was pregnant. I spent the pregnancy on my own and when my son was 8 weeks old he finally came to see him. He comes over once a week and spends a couple hours with him but doesn't pay anything towards him, for xmas he brought him a vest and a pair of jeans from h&m and that’s the only contribution he’s made because he says he has too much debt. His debt comes from loans and expensive cars etc... but he’s planning a holiday with his girlfriend and he went on holiday for 2weeks when I was pregnant, he brought his girlfriend jewellery for her birthday and went to London for the day! God knows what she got for xmas. He comes round hung over sometimes and says he’s been out the night before but only spent £5!? which I find extremely hard to believe because one drink costs about £4 now days. He wears designer clothes but says his girlfriend buys them for him. He tells me if he had to pay maintenance he wouldn’t be able to afford to live and wouldn’t come to see his son and its one or the other. My sons dad earns a lot more money than i do and when i return to work it will only be part time so ill be living on a lot less than what im used too. I really want my son to know his dad but money is tight. I bite my tongue because I don’t want to argue but its all getting a bit too much my friends say he’s taking the mickey do you think hes telling the truth and being fair, I need advice on how to handle this please. Thank you to anyone who replies.
Hi tiredmum,
Thanks for your reply.
My son has just turned 7months old and loves spending time with his dad but im not sure how he views him. Its obviously more important for my son to see his dad but he wont even buy nappies yet he can afford a trip to london and jewellery for his girlfriend. I dont know how to go about meeting in the middle.
Hi alice09,
Sadly sometimes you have to accept that there may not be a meeting in the middle, your ex wont see what he does as wrong as he has moved on with his life whilst leaving you holding the baby.
7 months old awwwh that takes me back, I have 5 children 24, 20, 17, 16 and 9
7 months is a wonderful age, they start to explore the world around them, crawl around, I loved it when mine were little, make the most of every single second they grow up so fast.
All I can suggest is that you ask you ex to please contribute and maybe say even if it is only nappies every week or a small amount of money and see if he will step up to the mark, it is good that you see the relationship between your son and his dad as the overiding thing
Good luck and please do let us know how you get on, others will be here tomorrow with different ideas and advice.
xxx
Hi
One thing I have found is that you can't make your son's father be responsible.
I was married for twenty years and have four children, yet their father chooses not to be responsible...
Personally, I would give serious consideration about using the CSA to deal with child maintenance
If this is done and he uses that as an excuse to not see his son, then that will be his decision. Again personally, I can see where your friends are coming from...
It's right he supports his son. He's not offering to, so really, if it was me, there's little choice but to take this route.
In my case, The Git seemed to be able to 'hide' money from a second job though. Now he is a full-time student...
I understand the frustrations that come with seeing the lifestyle the other parent leads while you struggle. In time (easy for me to say, as its seven years ago today since I left) accepting how things are actually help to make things easier. Not that there won't be blips.
Are you close to your family and friends? Are you getting support from them?
This is just my view point, but enjoy the time with your son. Its fantastic that his Dad is wanting to know him, and that your son is happy in his care. As easy as it is for me to say, try not to think of the lifestyle he leads as when it comes to contact and maintenance they are considered to be seperate issues.
Hello alice09
Good to see you here, I see you have already given some support to another member on another thread this week, that's great and what it is all about, helping and supporting each other.
Whilst I would be the loudest advocate of children having a relationship with both parents, this man is emotionally blackmailing you in order to avoid financial responsibility. You need to ask for proper financial support (approx 15% of his wages, if he has no other children) and if he refuses then you can apprach the CSA, as sparkling lime has suggested (and she has posted you a link). As for whether he is telling you the truth or not, I think you already know the answer to that one 
and I would be delighted to hear about how to have a boozy night out on a fiver, lol, you could still say well that is a fiver you could have spent on your son.
If he chooses not to have a relationship with his son as a consequence of this, then shame on him when there are so many parents desperate to see their children and not able to, but you cannot force him to want this.
Hi alice09. Welcome along. I would go for maintenance, and then it is his choice as to whether he sees his son or not. As Louise says, he is blackmailing you and it isn't right. My son's sperm doner chooses to gamble, have a good life, and has never paid anything, oh except for one time! He saw my son for the first time when he was 5, and after the first visit, I told him I wanted £25 if he wanted to see him again. He was outraged, that I dare ask such a thing!! Anyhow, he is no longer in the picture, but that is another story. I have found the older the child gets, they cost a lot more, which is also why I'm saying to go for maintenance. C's sperm doner lives in Spain, and I can't touch him for payments, but believe me, I would if I could!!
Hi alice09, Louise hits the nail on the head, he is emotionally blackmailing you.
Here is the link to the Child Maintenance calculator, find out how much your son could be entitled to.
Remember this money is for your son's life and wellbeing, not you nor your ex's entitlement to do what he wants.
Also it is worth remembering that you are the parent with care and if your ex sees that he can control you over this money issue, he will try it with other things as your son grows. You are the boss, keep your boundaries in check, you will feel better for it.
Who knows if your ex will keep to his word about not visiting if he has to pay money, but that will be his choice, your role and choice is raising your son the best way you know how and reaching out to all resources to provide for him.
How are you enjoying your little man anyhow? He is at the age of still being so cosy and cuddly - gorgeous!
Hi alice09
Welcome to one space.
I`m sorry that you are in this position, lots of us are sadly in the same boat, the ex walks away and doesnt contribute at all.
If you do go for maintenance and your ex does as he said and not visit your son then yes you gain a little bit of money if in fact it gets paid, if you dont go for the maintenance then your son does get to have a relationship with his dad.
Its not really a case of is he telling the truth I dont think it is more for you to decide which is more important for your son, a relationship with his dad being maintained or the "chance" of maybe getting some money towards looking after him.
How old is your son now, is he old enough to realise who his dad is
I do hope you find a way to resolve this. xxx