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There is a move afoot to change the laws that governs the illegality of domestic abuse to criminalise emotional and other forms of abuse more clearly.
There is an article about it here (click) and you can read about one woman's experience of emotional abuse here (click) Of course we see some of our own members going through the process of breaking away from abuse and moving forward with their lives and at last this being in the news spotlight acknowledges that being a victim of emotional abuse can be like being kept as a prisoner of war, with all the after effects that might entail.
I watched an interesting discussion programe on it this morning. There was the CEO of Women's Aid on it and some very reasonable, intelligent, respected business/media figures who could not see how big a problem this is. Indeed one lady journo described a row with her husband where she had bitten him on his arm so badly that he had had to see the GP, who had laughed. What? What? Is it me?
It's such an interesting discussion, I urge you to watch it, it is the first part of the programme, I can't put a link to it as the BBC iPlayer website is playing up but the details are:
Sunday 24th August 10am Sunday Morning Live
I will put a proper link on once it's available.
Aha the BBC website is fixed, the programme is Sunday Morning Live and I am posting a link, click here
Thank you Louise it was a really good discussion and the solicitor was so good to point it all out how insulting it can be for the victims to make it look like just marital arguments....what did you think of the vote of the public ?
That was very interesting. I thought it was a shame that the 2 guests who were against the law being changed chose to make fun of the situation of abuse within relationships. Its attitudes like that which make it harder for people to come forward or talk about their situations.
I think the effects of emotional abuse are underestimated generally, the individuals affected if lucky to get out are left trying to deal with it all, sometimes not having physical wounds can make it feel like you have nothing to complain about!
I also thought the comment about vindictive people making false claims as a reason to not have the law was unfotunate. Some people falsely claim to have been raped to 'get back' at an ex but I don't see people saying that the crime of rape should be changed.
I didn't watch to the end....was the result of the public vote skyflower?
Excellent comment PQ, that is how it was.....
87% said yes it should be a crime versus 13% saying No
the comment by one guest immediately was: "it depends in part who has been watching it but yes, morally it is a crime"
"but also how you inforce it and not make a ridiculous law" was another comment on the vote.
I have not watched it, but there is little doubt in my mind that coercive behaviour is a type of emotional abuse and is as damaging as physical. Women's Aid have a good definition:
"Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass but is not limited to the following types of abuse:
Hear, hear, sergiozed!
Skyflower it was interesting that such a large majority thought that the law should be changed, hopefully that reflects a change in attitudes. I was still astounded by the flippant attitude of some of the guests.
This sounds brilliant, but I still think it's quite unfair that even with some basic evidence (screen prints and captures of texts and things on Facebook etc) aren't classes as evidence against the abuser without police and other officials involved mean that my ex isn't and can't be classes as an abusive person cos I jumped out the relationship as soon as I realised when I was still 4 months pregnant :\
Its crazy isn't it CM20102, but surely some of these texts your ex sent were after you left the relationship? If they won't class that as domestic abuse, then it is surely classed as criminal activity, which is a more serious offence?
I agree Louise. It was disgusting how some reacted.
CleverMummy keep all texts as they might be used still as evidence later, you never know, just keep them safe, you were so courageous as you were pregnant and in such a difficult situation
The emails he sent just after I broke up with him were quite hurtful, nothing violently threatening, but he did say he'd take custody of the baby and he'll take me to court, which really scared me, plus he wrote an awful status and series of comments on his facebook, basically slandering me
The texts he sent are all very much in reconciliation, I feel it was harassment, I have all the texts and emails, and even a text when he's sent when he received my response to court docs, and on Monday when we were trying to sort out contact for Tuesday, he says some really silly things, but because the police are involved, I don't feel they have enough weighting :(
Thank you, both, I've honestly no idea, maybe I should ask a solicitor to look over it all? I sent it to court though, but no one made any comments on it :( I didn't know what to do about my pregnancy at the time either, as I was 15 weeks gone already :\ I'm glad I've got her now, of course! Hehe just wish she was someone else's :(
You could ask a solicitor, as some give half an hour free advice, you could ask the expert on here, you could ask Women's Aid, reading it to them, or Women's Rights ?
What about Citizen's Advice Bureau, as a lot of them have a solicitor ? They could have a look when you make an appointment ?
I am glad they are thinking about changing the law to include emotional abuse but I can imagine it will be hard to prove in court. My experiences are all verbal so I have no proof of the things said to me. All said behind closed doors or whispered in my ear so no one else could hear.
Clevermummy you took the right step and got out when you realised how things really were. Like you said you now have a child with this man so you have to continue to have contact with him, its difficult I know, but you will be ok, you have us to help you through.
Proof will always be the issue.
He was awful with me, and continues to be with the children. To see my older two - son 22 and daughter 20 - sobbing over his actions in his recent visit, is heartbreaking.
That is so awful Sparkling, do they still want to continue seeing him ? What a heart ache..
and the same for you PQ and Clevermummy, you are amazing people and so strong
I wonder if recording certain behaviours using our mobiles will be a way to prove emotional abuse. Although we would have to be really on the ball to notice when it is happening, because half of the problem is that it is so insidious that we don't even realise it until years later......or after doing the Freedom Programme!
You're right about realising years later Anna. It was only when I did the freedom programme that I fully understood the emotional abuse I had been subjected too.
I would have to agree with you Anna, PQ about not realising it at the time or whilst your still in the relationship proving anything that has been verbally said will be difficult to prove, though i would imagine that if you were really trying to prove it you would need some sort of report from a pschologist trained in this sort of thing.
The Freedom Programme has been an eye opener for many women, myself included.
I have Sky Louise but it also gives me the catch up TV and BBC I player....couldn't find it though I have tried with categories, different BBC channels including Parliament and all sorts, what was the programme called, what channel was it on ? Thank you