This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
I have a two year old son who spent 6 months in hospital due to being born at 25 weeks gestation. His father was present at the birth and was going to stand by us even though we were not in a relationship. I split from his father because he has a alchohol problem & there is over a decade of domestic violence towards me. We came to a mutual agreement to be cival for our son. However i made it very clear before our son was born that i wanted to see how he behaved as a father up until our son was two before i would name him on his birth certificate as his father. Whilst our son was in hospital he regulary visited but there were several occasions when he did not visit him for several days at a time because he was in the pub on a drinking binge. When my son came out of hospital he was with me when he was discharged. The agreement was he could visit him when and as he wanted but again since he was born there has been severel occasions where we have not seen or heard from him for over a week. I offered him to see him regularly on a monday evening at his parents house of which he did. When my son was there i would get a text from his parents saying that i could collect my son and when i arrived there id realise that his father had gone to bed and left his parents with my son who are both elderly. My son had chronic lung disease and most times came back to me smelling of cigarette smoke. Several mondays i have not heard from my ex with regards to him seeing him therefore i did not take him to his parents. I could only assume he had had a weekend out drinking and was therefore not fit. Then i would randomly hear from him requesting to see our son. I have offered his father to see him during the daytime on weekends but his father replied that he was either working or racing on his bike. I offered during the week nights and he replied that he was regularly going to the gym. I offered him to come along with us to take him on his motorised bike when it was the first hottest day of the year and he chose to go into town with his mates who are over a decade younger than him, my ex being 40. Visiting my son since he was born has been when and as its suited him. When he has seen my son on a monday for one hour my son comes back to me in a very different mood than to when he went. His father undermines all the hrad work i put in during the week.
Since the 24 May 2013 i have stopped all access with his father and my son appears to be a whole lot happier but my ex is randomy texting me asking to see him. I have told him no because he is not consistent and i made it clear to him from the beginning it was all or nothing therefore he has brought it upon himself. He recently was sacked from his job because he never turnt in due to being hung over. When he is seeing his 25 year old lady friend we do not hear from him we hear from him out of the blue. I have told him he has not our son's best interest in mind he treats him like a trophy of which he is not but a little person with feelings. My ex now tells me he is going to force sale of the house my son and I live in because he wants what is his. He is also going to take me to court for access to our son. I wish he wouls just leave us alone to happily get on with our lifes, i believe he is unhappy now he realises he no longer has control of me and i am moving on. For the past two years he has been playing mind games trying to feed me with rubbish and telling me he wants us to be a family however i know him too well and never believed a word he said and have found out i was right too because he has been seeing someone else. I never want him back and i was over him well over a year ago having came along way from the awful state my life was in. Im frightened about him taking me to court, the thought of loosing our home and i pray my son does not turn out like him, reason why id never take him back because i do not want him to be too much of an influence to my son. My ex is a pathological liar, binge drinks, takes cocaine, was violent and abusive to me, unrealiable and the most shelfish self centred person i have ever known. Even though i have moved on he still puts fear into me. I wish he would vanish off the face of the earth so me and my baby can have a safe happy life. :(
hi hun i split from my ex a year aga and i stil shake when i think i see him, my heart startspounding, cud u get a protection order against him,thst wot i av got, my ex as dragged mny thru court for last year, luckily cafacss recomend no contact at all, we av 2 half yr old dawter together, ex a shistort of violence, drugs etx, plus he as bin violent to me,he failed 2 hair strand tests as well , say u av concern,if he does take u court which he wont get legal aid then u say u av serious concerns,
and my ex also ad double life, he ad girlfriend and new baby i new nothin bout,i never believed him and he always let us down,my story bit similiar to urs hun, xx
Hi. If my sons father was decent id have no problem them seeing eachother but he isnt. I was with him 23 years & all he gave me was broken promises, hurt me time and time again when he had chance after chance, he is a compulsive liar, shows me no respect & has been violent to me over a decade. He went to prison in Feb 2009 and played heavily on my emotions until i did not appear at court because it was making me feel physically ill. He said he would go to prison for two years and it would be my fault. Since then he does not physically harm me its all verbal abuse because he knows damn well if he touches me he will go to prison once i have called the police. This has been my deterant in keeping myself safe from him assaulting me. However the verbal abuse is just as painful. I cannot trust him, he manipulates me and to others, the outside world he has lied and portrayed me to be the person he is and it took me over a decade to work that one out. He binge's on alchohol, regularly takes cocaine and socialises with very unsavoury people. So unsavoury that our home once got raided for drugs after 6 months of moving into our new home, which was supposed to be a new start. I was mortified. He now plays on the fact that we were raided and tells people that i am a drug dealer. In the past he has told people i am a psycho who needs help and believe me i have felt like i am going crazy when he was living under the same roof as me but when he is not around i am fine. I knew i had to get away from him when he came home at 8:30 one sunday morning, of course as usual hung over intoxicated he pulled me by my hair to the bathroom mirror to show me how fat i look and what a mess i am according to him. I was crying because he did all this infront of my son and even though i asked him politely to leave he would not. In the end he went outside to the garden because his mates had arrived to take him motorcross so i used the opportunity to lock the door. I never stopped him from seeing our son, he had an open invitation but it has been when it has suited him, not consistent and the times i have asked him to join us weekends he has refused telling me he is working, going to the gym, racing/motorcross or the pub with his mates. My baby boy is not at the top of his prority list and the final straw was learning that he had not paid his share of our joint mortgage for two months but spent it during a week of drinking & taking drugs with his girlfriend resulting in him loosing his job thats why i made the decision to cut all ties with him. He never even had the decency to let me know it had not been paid and that i would have to find the money myself, no instead he lied and told me there was no work that paticular week. How many chances can you give a person? I know what it feels like to be on an emotional rollercoaster ride being operated by him, i do not want my son going through the same as what i have. I dont feel bad at all for stopping him seeing his son because he has had two years to prove himself a father and he blew it with empty promises like he blew our relationship of 23 years. I made it clear before my son was born if he was a good father until my son reached two i would happily name him on his birth certificate but he has been nothing but. It sounds awful but i pray he dies a slow death from alchohol for what he has put me through. I was always there for him no matter how he treated me and he beat me, he was very violent and regularly cheated on me with other women, but not once did i continue to court against him, more stupid me. I will protect my son no end from him, i do not want my son having his influence because the man is not wired up right i know that much. I hope i meet a nice decent guy one day who will be a positive father figure to my son. A father is someone who is there for you not one who is your biological one..Some men do not deserve the title father, and my ex is one of them. My son fought for his life being born at 25 weeks gestation weighing 1Ib 11ozs he is special something his dad has taken for granted. I hope he does realise what he has lost one day but it is too late now we are moving on. If he wants to take me to court i will fight him no end to protect my baby. My ex has no feelings for anyone he is incapable of loving anyone we are simply assets to him not viewed in his eyes as a human being with feelings. He causes pain after pain to the point where i have attempted to end my life. When this happened whilst i was in hospital my ex was drunk in the pub..Iv come along way and nobody is going to set me back now. I wil play havoc if any court suggests he have access to my son because they know nothing of what i have been through to get to where i am today. Im planning to get as much evidence as i possibly can incase he should take me to court in the future. I feel nothing for my ex now i really do not know what i ever saw in him in first place. I beieve i was mentally ill, co dependent with severe depression. He has never done anything for me but drag me down.
hello missj,
I agree it is a really good idea to collect evidence in case it is needed in the future. It is always hard to remember things sequentially a bit further down the line and keeping records now is a great insurance policy. Don't let this take over your life, however, do it quietly and systematically and don't let it spoil this time with your little son 
IS he well now, after all the difficult times?
Is your housing sorted now?
Have you had a look at The Freedom Programme? (click)
Hi Louise.
My son is fine now and one more development appointment and i hope he will be discharged as an out patient.
Its difficult to gather evidence but i will find a way. Im actually wanting to study to become a PI. I need a job with a decent salary & i plan to rent a room out within the house. My ex says he wil force me to sale the house but it is our home, we are 5 minutes away from the church and holy family school my son will go to, my parents live ten minutes walking distance so i guess i will also have to fight him on this too. I hope and plan to get off benefits in the near future and buy him out his share, i pray a judge gives me the time to do all this. The house i live in is my sons future inheritance. The Job Centre have put my name forward for the freedom programme.
Iv am a really strong person now that i have my ex to thank for, this year it has all become clearer. Id like to support women in domestic violence in the future having 23 yrs experience of it i need to put it to good use i think. It really is a cruel web women get trapped in and i know now that you can get out of it if you really put your mind to it and want to.
hi im stil goin thru it with my ex and i ended it last may,he is of course dragin me thru court for acess, i hate him even more
Hi Kiera.
I hope your ok keep your chin up. Is your ex paying his own legal fee's to take it to court? I ask as my ex may go down the same route but he earns more than £25K so he would have to pay the bill himself.
Kiera ld say my ex led a double life too, a family one when it suited him and a single man with his girlfriend who is 25 with an 8 yr old and a 2 yr old from two different previous relationships. My ex turnt 40 early this year. He is very immat and self centred.
I did believe he would grow up as he grew older but that never happened. The violence stopped because he eventually got remanded and was looking at two years in prison something which he never believed would happen, today its all verbal with the occasional shove here and there and he pulled me by my hair a few weeks ago.
I have never came across a person like him he really has no conscience and is very cold.
hi hun u ok, yes it cum out in court off cafcass tht my ex lived wioth his children and his girlfrined who he always said was his ex and a new baby i new naff all bout,unbelievable, all tht time cheatin, and liein, and saccusin me of cheating,. andf it cum out in court the extent of his criminal record,very bad,thern i got told my kids at risk if i av anythin to do with himagain, i av non molestation order, which i found out yest is indefinate,means forever,he also seriously assaulted me abroad,at ther moment cafacss recomeds no contact with my dawter,she is 2 half,he didnt turn uup yest at the hearing,sayin he ad date wrong,i cried in court, cudnt elp it, in front of 3 judges, feel hes one who as lied alway thru court,failed 2 drug tests yet im the wreck, last hearin is august, i hate him even more, x
Hello missJ I am glad to hear that your son is doing well
It's great to hear that you would like to help other women and this is certaily possible in the future...obviously you have your own "stuff" to finish off first and I wish you good luck with that. Is there a divorce in progress?
hi missi well 1st 2 hearings he represented hiself, now he as a soliciter, cafcas wants close the case and if he wants make another application he can, hes sayin he cant afford tht so cud case b adjourend, its all bout them tho init, caffcass aid no x
Hi Louise, i wasnt married to him only engaged. I dont know what to do? He left the house in a right mess, no kitchen only sink, floor requires leveling and rewiring, toilet flush and shower broke. There is no point me trying to get it done when he is threatening to get a court order to force sale of the house. I feel in limbo, not settled or secure for mine and my sons future. I havent had a threat from him since i last seen him but i live each day with fear of what may happen next.
Hi missj, have you had some legal advice? This feels very important especially as you were not married and there is therefore no "set procedure" with regards to the house. You can get some advice from our own Legal Expert by clicking on the blue link
I have spoken to a solicitor and we have a 50/50 share in the house. However there has been periods where he has not conributed and i have covered his half. He has not contributed since his last payment 28 April 2013. The solicitor advised that i sit back and see if he starts proceedings to force sale of the house and in the meantime do nothing. This leaves us in limbo, i want security for my son and I and i would like to make it our home but if we are going to have to move there is no point because it can be sold as it it and the new owner will put a new kitchen and bathroom in! The solicitor said it will stir things up if i apply to the court now for a court order to remain in the house until my son has finished his education and like iv already said this leaves us in limbo living like this. I dont know if i could face another winter freezing cold with no carpets walking on floorboards, listening to a constant dripping tap in my kitchen. Im starting to feel depressed just talking about it :(
It can be so frustrating when we can't control what is going on around us.
If you were to buy carpets and sort out the kitchen and bathroom, surely this would add value to the house, so if you did have to move, the extra expense wouldn't be in vain?
I really do dont want to get settled here and then have to go i have had enough upset i want somewhere i can call home now.
Yes it's really difficult to feel in limbo. Your solicitor is giving you the best advice from the benefit of their experience but I share your frustration at putting your life on hold. The way to hep yourself to feel a little better is to control what you can....
What would I do in your situation? I would set a deadline in my head for how long I was prepared to wait to apply to the court myself and decide what was ESSENTIAL in the meantime. A new washer for the dripping tap and making ONE ROOM warmer with a carpet or thick rug would be at the top of the list. In the meantime the infuriating sound of the tap can be muffled by putting a small folded cloth in the sink and wringing it out from time to time (make sure you don't cover the plughole) and have a look on your local Freecycle (click) or Freegle (click) for a rug or carpet offcut.
Psychologically it's a tough call, but I guess what might get me through is being really proud of myself with what I was doing.
Hi missj, it sounds as though you have made huge steps to improve yours and your sons life, which is paying off, with your son being happier and you also feeling stronger, however you are still feeling vulnerable whenever your ex contacts you.
As you are living in a house that your ex still owns, he will never 'vanish off the face of the earth', would you consider finding somewhere else to live? Have a look at Shelter's website for lots of information that could be useful, they have a helpline too.
Your partner would not be entitled to Legal Aid under the new legislation, so it would cost him to take you to Court, as he no longer has a job, this may not be in the near future.
Your child has a right to know both parents, however I am of the belief that as the mother of such a young child, you are his protector and know what is best for him at the moment.
Would you consider a meet up once a month, so that your son has his father in his life, with you in attendance?