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My son shares decent, sound relationship with his dad. They get on, we're all civil and the situation is as best as can be.
Past few weeks, my son has been refusing to go with his dad, refusing to talk to him on the phone and telling me to cancel future arrangements. My son is 4 years old.
Im trying ti strike a balance between being aseertive (e.g. looks, this is what we've planned, mammy's made plans, dads looking forward to seeing you, lets go ahead with this) and letting my son have his say (which is extremely important)
I do not know how to handle this, any ideas or suggestions please would be very handy.
Thank you.
I would agree with skyflower about asking him why he does not want to go etc, otherwise it sounds like your being positive and encouraging about visiting dad, does he have him over night?
HI both,
he doesnt have him overnight yet. I have asked him and he replies with 'i want to stay at home and spend more time with you mam'. Which is odd, as we spend time with eachother everyday.
Is it as simple as that?
Im struggling between trying to make my son go with his dad, but also listening to what he wants. I dont know how to deal with this.
Iv'e confronted dad, he says nothing has gone on and he's confused about why this is happening.
Dad has just moved home, as in moved from family home, into a new house with girlfriend - could this be a factor? If so, how do i deal with it?
Hi Pink lilly, had your son spent much time with dad's new girlfriend before they moved in together? has he said if he gets on well with her? is dad quite resonable could he take your son out alone and see if he can find out why he does not want to stay, or vist his dad anymore?
he met her a year ago and he seems to be happy with her, when ive asked him hes said yes hes happy. Dad is relatively reasonable, however i think he'll just get the same response from our son as what i have.
I guess now its a waiting game to see if this 'blip' pans out.
Hi pink lilly, perhaps it is the new house, he just doesn't feel 'at home' in it yet, it is strange and new for him, perhaps her rules are slightly different and he is feeling nervous or unsure?
Does he have his own room at the new house? Perhaps he can take some his toys over.
Its horrible when we see our children like this as we want them to be happy and comfortable, but I think you are doing everything you can do, lots of reassurance and no backing down, being gentle and understanding but showing him that although he is feeling a bit uncomfortable, that's normal and ok and he will soon get used to it.
Have a look at this list of books and see which one stands out for you, perhaps you can buy one and read it together?
That is such a big change Pink Lilly, that his dad has moved in with his girlfriend and that it now where your son has to visit. Many children hope secretly that their parent will eventually get back together again and maybe it would have been even easier for him if the girl friend would have moved into dad's house. your son was used to his time together with dad and to his own space in his dad's house.
Maybe it is possible to make this new house more attractive for him by having some new toys ? Or new toys in a new room? Does he have his own room? I understand he does not sleep there but he still has lost his own space....?
i asked my son about the room scenario - apparently he hasnt even been upstairs :/
i dont think he has his own room, and maybe he doesnt feel at home there, in that respect.
HIs dad does have toys there, but little amount as far as i know.
Do i have a word with his dad, in terms of making his home more welcome for my son?
I know my son has this 'thing' about smoking, and he came home the other day and told me daddy has fags in a dish in the house and they're by the front door - 'dead one's.' - maybe thats playing on his mind, or atleast making him feel uneasy (i have had a word about this mind)
Hmmm .... the penny's beginning to drop i think.
Hi Pink Lilly,
skyflower is right, it's a lot of change all of a sudden, and that is not going to go down well with a 4 year old!
At 4, I think it is quite normal for children to become more attached to one parent than the other. Even with both parents together, children, and especially only children, will 'stick' to one parent. You know that stuff about 'mummy's boy' and 'daddy's girls'....!
In your case it's even worse, because he will also pick up on the tension between the parents. It is also really difficult because the only way you have out if of is to reassure him that his dad is OK, that it will be fun to go and stay and so on, even if you might not feel like that at all. But you said he had a good relationship with his dad, if you can talk to him maybe trying to organise more fun things with dad might help. Certainly if he could have a space of his own in dad's house, or special toys might help too.
But patience and talking to dad will probably help the most, as he'll pick up really quickly if there is tension. Can you talk to his dad about this? How do you feel about it?
Yeh - we've arranged for him to have contact weekly now, rather than twice a week, as hes cancelling all the time, which is difficult on both our parts.
I have asked dad to provide me with a list of activities and we'll shedule them into the contact arrangements, sound good?
We have had a brief chat, his dad is very 'aloof' shall we say, he doesnt really think for himself, he leaves it all down to me, so although i can talk to him, its me who has to do all the effort yknow?
Its always my suggestions, so thats what ive decided in terms of him giving me the list of ideas and having weekly contact for now (maybe our son will realise what hes missing out on??)
You sound frustrated that it is always you who takes the initiative, and I would feel this too but at the end of the day you want your son to be happy so it's worth making the effort. I do agree that one way forward would be for dad to take him to somewhere neutral a few times and maybe then dad could talk about a "special room" at the new house, where your son's things are kept, and your son could be involved in planning it, eg choosing a toybox, helping with painting it etc. He could also be missing Grandma, maybe that is one of the things he enjoyed about going before? At 4, he may well be repulsed by an ashtray full of fag ends...I can remember my youngest going through a phase like that, he was older (9) but his dad was sharing with a couple of guys who smoked in the house and my son was horrified. It's quite reasonable to ask his dad to confine his smoking to the outdoors. Maybe dad would also let you visit the new house with your son once or twice so he could feel you were part of things too?
HI Louise,
I'll have a word about my son having a room down there in dads house, and making it something special. I also had the same thought about him missing the nan, shes a very stable and prminant figure if that household and i was thinking he may have turned to her for things prior to the move and now he cannot do that.
My son did tell me yesterday spontanesouly that his dad drops his girlfriend off about half a mile away from the house, drops our son off at our home and goes back to pick her up on his way home. A very childish move in my opinion - could this be another thing adding to my sons uneasyness? Do i metion it to dad? Or do i leave this childish behaviour to them?
i.e. hes hiding the girlfriend.
Well I think I depends on how you would feel about the girllfriend being in the car when the drop-off happens. If you're not bothered, then tell him so (calmly) It could be that he is thinking it would offend you so he makes sure you dn't see her and he may have even said to your son "don't tell mummy that X was in the car" Children hate keeping secrets like this, it makes them feel unsafe.
Has your son still got contact with his nan?
My son still has contact with the nan, but not near as mcuh as previously.
Iv'e had a few days to think abouot this situation. I feel my son may be playing on my reaction to him when he says 'i dont want to go to dads'. Today was a classic example to illustrate that, so ALL DAY he's said, im not going, and ive tried to talk to him/think of ways to encourage him etc ..... As soon as he seen dad waiting at our house after school, he was fine, as he normally has been prior to this blip.
I think the house move HAS had a big impact on him, but now he's just (pardon the poor language skills here) but 'milking it' as he knows hes getting sympathy etc. He also knows, that im ringing dad etc to discuss the matter ..... could a 4 1/2 year old play off parents in some way, could this be the start of that? As iv'e been warned about it and the possibility of this happening.
i need to make sure that i remember im the adult here, and i guess if i ignore his comments about not going to dads (only to an extent) then it may pass.
Is this a fair observation do you think?
cheers again.
Absolutely pink lilly! You know your son best and it is all very well other people having their opinions from the other end of the internet, but it sounds as though you have thought this through.
It may be that he needs to know that you have his back, it may be that he is deliberately 'milking it', it may be that he is feeling a bit confused and concerned until he sees his dad and all is forgotten! Who knows, your son might not even know, but now that you have seen that he is actually ok, when/if he raises it again acknowledge what he has said, you can even repeat it back to him "You don't want to go to your dads this weekend" and then change the subject, this shows him that you heard and are listening, but you see no problem with him going.
I think you are doing a great job, keep up the good work!
Thank you Anna :)
i feel finally relaxed about it all.
Good for you, pink lilly! 
What a difficult one pink lilly, I am sorry that I have no clue what to say to you and hope that soon one of the parenting specialist will have an idea....
you say that your son has a decent sound relationship with his dad but then refuses since some weeks and does not even want to talk with his dad on the phone....so what has happened that this change has occurred ? What has changed in his routine?
I can imagine that sometimes they just want to be home as they have friends or their toys or simply want to be with mummy, but refusing to speak on the phone seems to me something has happened even if it is in our eyes maybe insignificant....can you try to find out? It is very hard at that age to find out but maybe with roleplay ? Sorry I cant help you more....