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Hi all
My ex & I are physically separating in the new year after a two year marital separation & divorce absolute this xmas, this comes to a relief to us both and our two schoolaged children.
Recently, I asked my ex to attend mediation services (we initially used NFM 18 months ago- but it didnt work out) to plan out & agree a working childcare agreement. My ex wants to share the childcare responsibilities as a 50:50 split.
Truth be known, Id have been happy doing major childcare as most mothers do, but I have to give him credit that he wants an equal ongoing commitment to children. However, I know its in the best interest of children that the arrangements are well thought out & agreed in advance, hence I suggested going back to mediation to assist in a full discussion.
We are considering trialling a one week on, one week off arrangement, children changing homes every Sunday afternoon. The children have been involved & are getting mentor support at school. I would love to get in touch with other parents who have made this scenario work or tried it without success.
I welcome general comments too. Thanks for your interest.
As with Gem, I don't have personal experience of this.
However, one of my youngest's friends has grown up with this arrangement, and it has worked well.
I've been to football matches, arranged and been to parties, and would either see the Mum or the Dad there, with who ever had the son that weekend. They have 100% been committed to it.
I do wish you both well with this.
Those are all pertinent points, Gem - stop apologising for being helpful!
Hi there, herbaltea
Nice to 'see' you 
Gem's question about whether you have been your children's primary carer struck a chord with me...way, way back in the mists of time (or so it seems now) when A's dad & I broke up he was very aggressive about us sharing her parenting 50/50. I was against the idea because she was so little and also because I had done 98.8% of the hard work whilst we had lived together and I didn't trust him to look after my little girl effectively. Sure enough, I was expected to provide nappies, food, spare clothes and toys for her to play with when she visited him. We attended mediation where my notions of routine were backed to the hilt and although there was the occasional arguement (of H's making) after that, things did settle down.
As A has got older, I have tried to ensure she does have a relationship with her dad (I no longer speak to my own father and I wanted to do what was within my capabilities to ensure that A at least had the foundations to build a father/daughter bond on...) and although she now sees him 3/4 times a week most of the time he is simply picking her up or dropping her off at a club or activity. He doesn't spend much time at all with her really, which saddens me, but I have done all I can do and the rest is up to him (and to some lesser extent A) to work out.
I suppose I merely wanted to provide an illustration for you. I firmly believe my gut instinct was right in not allowing H as much access as he wanted to begin with, and now that A is older and more robust I can only hope she will say if she is unhappy and would like things to change.
I hope find the right way for your situation to progress, for you and your children.
M x
Hello herbaltea
You have been given some great pointers here by the others. I have seen this arrangement work well...the best ways it works is when you and the other parent can truly work together in a civilised way. Also, both parents need to be flexible so that if one is ill or going away with work, the other can help out.
Read this helpful article (click)
On a practical basis this might lead to an expectation of the two of you sharing the Child Benefit and Child Tax Credit and also no child support being paid, so do consider this, and if either of you receive Housing Benefit then it might be that you will end up losing out becasue of the so called Bedroom Tax in that you need the space if the children are with you and and yet you are not officially a three person household, in fact if you share the Child Benefit then you will each be a two person household and get Housing Benefit appropriate for that size of family. Read more here (click)
Hi herbaltea
I don't have any experience of what you are suggesting (although at one point I asked ExH for it and he said no!) but I'm sure others on here will have.
I do know of friends who do it with secondary school aged children. KS1 kids might find it a bit hard to be away from you for so long if you have been their primary carer up until now?
I suppose in some way you might have to try a few things out to see how they are? If your children are young and more attached to you they might need a lot of support that he is unable to give, a whole week where they don't have your input might be too much.
You could do certain days of the week like a Monday and Tuesday and then they only have to get through two days of school before they see you again? It might be hard for you to stay connected to what is happening with them otherwise.
I am just thinking of a tricky time my son has just been through at school where he needed me everyday. I know he would not have shared the issue with his Dad had he been there as his Dad encourages him to bottle things up.
When I was trying to figure out what to do I looked at this page which I found quite helpful:
http://www.utcourts.gov/howto/family/parenting_plans/docs/99_Pointers_fo...
I guess overall it depends on the children's age and temperaments and their relationship with each of you.
Not that helpful sorry!
Gem
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