Hi,I'm Shelleigh and I'm new to this. I am a single mother of three daughters and extremely happy with this situation. I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship about 18 months ago. My daughters father had completely forgotten all about them as he had got into a new relationship, this year however that has changed and his kids now mean the world to him. I have refused to come to an agreement with him about access as he has not paid any maintenance for them to this day and he completely walked out of their lives for a year. He threatens, blackmails, lies, manipulates and even has went as far as saying he has a terminal illness to get me to change my mind. I have made it clear to him that I will never come to a private arrrangement with him and all contact should be made through a solicitor. I would be interested to hear what you all think as I do know it is important for children to grow up knowing their two parents and I am finding it quite hard to step back and look at the bigger picture. All I know is I want to protect my children from this man but he is their father and maybe they should be making this decision for themselves. They are 10 an 13 years old. Any opinions would be appreciated. Thankyou :D
Hi Louise and thank you for your reply. :). My other daughter is older and is from a relationship previous to the ex I have been talking about here. I have already contacted the Child Support Agency regarding maintenance for my daughters and I have offered a legal arrangement to my ex partner through my solicitor where he would state which dates and times he would like access to be which he ignored. My mother has also offered him to be able to contact her about access which he didn't do and my daughters at one point phoned and tried to make arrangements with him where he took them out for a day and promised to do the same the next week and they never heard from him again. He refuses to come to any sort of arrangements unless I personally make arrangements with him which I am unwilling to do as he is very manipulative and I find him hard to deal with. I know I should put my daughters first but I feel I have to look after myself in order to be a good mother to them. So I am not sure if I should allow him to dictate to me that these are his terms in order for my daughters to have their father in their lives or do what I feel is best for me and refuse to give into his bullying tactics and therefor force him to go down the legal route as I am not against him seeing the kids I am just not having them messed around by him choosing to turn up if and when he feels like it with the girls not knowing when they will next see him again. I feel they need stability in their lives and he should at the very least be striving to give them that if not emotional and financial support. I do agree that we do get very caught up in how we feel as people and sometimes cannot take an objective view on the real parental issues due to emotional ties so I do appreciate all the advice you have offered.
Hi shelleigh
Yes I totally understand, I guess I was thinking that you lose ANY control if he ends up going to court. Sounds like he is one of those people that finds it difficult to distinguish between his role as a parent and his role as a partner.
Hi, I am new here, but having just read the above 2 stories i realise i am not alone.
My ex led a double life for the 4 years we were together, going to extreme lengths to stop me finding out the truth. For example, he was not in IT, but a removal man, he did not have any savings, although we got to the point where we had surveys done on a property we were going to buy on the basis he had the deposit, he also stole a credit card off his parents and spent over £20k on it without their knowledge. This is just a tiny insight in to his lying and manipulative behaviour.
You are probably thinking how did i not notice... but the fact is his friends, family and everyone around him were totally taken in, he is VERY clever.
I have offered a private agreement from my solicitor to him of every other weekend, which he refused, at this point he had not paid any maintenance towrads our daughter for 18 months but had been seeing her.
the problem I have is that he is totally unreasonable, he will not understand i have no faith in his promises, I dont believe anything he tells me, so when I explain i need hinm to show me I can trust him with her, he acts as if I am being unreasonable. I woudl add that he does not drive, has no fixed income (CSA thrown application our twice as cant find him as a tax payer) lives on a sofa at his sisters and the last time he saw her he allowed her to wet herself instead of finding a toilet because he didnt want to miss a bus (she was just potty).
He send me innapropriate texts, using foul language, and making comments about men I apparently have to my house overnight (not true in the slightest).
He often send messages saying, 'fine you keep her, let me know if she ever needs me'...to havea text 12 hours later asking when hes next going to see her.
I am at my wits end, my last attempt to make an arrangement was declined when i said i didnt want contact with him, all drop offs and pick ups would be via his sister. He responded saying its time I realised he was her Father... seriously!
His family & friends, bar his sister, do not speak to him, and she only does because he'd be on the streets without her. We all think he is a compulsive liar, and I am coing to the conclusin that my daughter is far better off without his kind of influence in her life. My daughter regularly see her fathers family, and she loves them, its just her father that i have this huge issue with. She is not seeing him at the moment as I refuse to make arrangements with him directly.
any views/ideas/advice would be most welcome.
Hi there, welcome to One Space 
If you are using your real name as your username, may I suggest you change it in 'My Profile' (top right of page) to stay inline with the forum rules on anonymity.
It sounds as though you have been on such a rollercoaster.
How often does your ex ask for contact? How old is your daughter? What does she think of him?
Hi Helen,
Welcome to one space. Thanks for sharing your story. I don't think for a moment it seems strange that you didn't know your ex partner was leading a double life as men like this are really good at what they do which is deceiving their partners and those around them! :(
I'm glad to hear your daughters family know what her father is like and keep in touch with your daughter. That is a bonus for you both. My daughters family believe their father is the one who is hard done by and feel sorry for him because he doesn't get to see his daughters.
If I were you I would make sure all access with his daughter was done through a responsible family member where your daughter is in their care and not her fathers. Someone whom you trust will look after your daughter properly and put her needs and safety before her fathers.
Its very sad that you would have to go down this road but I think you might be fortunate having this option available to you. I feel sorry for my girls not being able to see their dad but sometimes its the lesser of two evils. If they were lucky enough to have contact with their dads family I'm sure that would be the road that I would try to go down.
Whether or not your ex partner would agree to that kind of arrangement will be another story I'm sure as he is manipulative and no doubt will want it all to be his way or no way at all which will mean more messing around for yourself and your daughter. I think the worst part is that whatever way he treats your daughter is for a direct reaction from you. Its sad to say but your daughter is merely a pawn in his game to upset and annoy you.
hi everyone. i walked out of my marriage of 2 years because i just couldnt take the abuse anymore. emotional, verbal :(
i have a 6 week old. i want nothing to do with my hubby. but theres my son. he says he wants to be able to take my son away on trips to europe and overnight stays which i have vehemently said no. baby is breastfeeding for starters.
i need to know how to keep this man away from my flat as i dont want him there at all, and what arrangement is best for him to visit/see baby. i dont want him to take my child anywhere.
also, hes collecting baby's child benefit.
advice please. thank you.
Hello Huntroad
Welcome to One Space!
First of all, congratulations to you on your son's arrival
Next, let me tell you that in my experience, it is extremely unlikely that your son's dad would have overnight contact for such a small child.
There are two issues here: one is that he has been abusive to you and the other is that it seems sensible for contact between him and your son to be for short periods, usually with you or another trusted adult there. Looking at the second one, it is for you to think about what would work best. You asked how you can keep him away. The answer is that you can't, unless he has harrassed you sufficiently for you to get an injunction against him. I think you need some legal advice.
Email our Legal Expert here (click)
Have a look at our free online course The Freedom Programme, which will help you to work through the abuse you have suffered and to move ahead with your life.
As for the Child Benefit, you need this to be in your name as it is the "passport" to any other entitlements such as Child Tax Credit. Here are details of the Helpline:
Was married 11yrs had 3 children ages now 6,8 & 10 seperated\divorced 4half yrs. Re married recently, been together 4 yrs have 19month old together.
Ex husband also met new partner and moved an hour away after knowing her less than 2 months, I let him see them whenever he liked and meet her straight away as they were living together. They used to come get them every other weekend for 1 night. This happened for a few months and a lovely relationship was built between all. They then missed seeing them for 6 months then back to normal then 8months without contact, the last time he had them over night was 3 years ago and the last time he see them is 2 years. He does call them but they dont like speaking to him. He has said few times he is coming to see them but has never done so, always cant afford it. He has never paid for them, no xmas presents and just a £5 for birthdays. He now wants to start seeing them and is going through a solicitor. He has been on holiday, always going out, got engaged, bought a dog etc but cant afford his kids or seeing them, I have never stopped him seeing them but how is it fair that he can walk in and out of there lives when it suits him and the law agrees! x
It does feel totally unfair doesn't it.
Hi mumwig4, welcome to One Space. What we have to remember is that it is our childrens right to see their absent parent, rather than the other way around.
Often children don't find talking on the phone very satisfying. How do you think they would feel if a regular contact was set up? It sounds as though in the past they have enjoyed having him in their lives. Do you know why he disappeared at the times that he did?
Did you have a falling out, or did his life just take preference?
He has always said he just can't afford to come see them. His past few solicitors letters over the years have never come to anything. He says all this could have been prevented as I could have taken them there. When we split I was left with debt as all bills etc were in my name, I was living on my own for first 3 years and paid all the debts off on benefits. He said my now husband could pay for everything! We have 4 children and do our best but its a struggle sometimes just to feed and clothe us all. Last time he saw them It was me who took them. My eldest is in year 6 and is very behind in his english and maths so worry this will affect him more, my other son has played football for past year on a sunday which is the day he plans to start seeing the kids. My daughter only wants to see him as he has a dog now. Its the fact we have to change our lives to now fit him in after him not bothering for 2 years. He knows nothing about them anymore x
@ louise, thank you for your response. really.
ex has been in touch screaming thunder for access to my son. i told him firmly that i will only allow contact in a neutral place with at least one person present. i am that afraid of him.
he bluntly refused saying he wants the baby for at least 3 days a week or he will make my life hell. i refused. i am breastfeeding exclusively.
next thing i know i get a prohibited steps order in the post. following this i told him i will not allow him access to until after court on the 18th september. let the court decide for us since hes involved them.
my lawyer had told me he might do this because he doesnt want me to take the baby out of the country and says i can get a residence order so i can travel. can he get a residence order also?
cafcass have written that they will contact me. the police have been at my flat 3 times before on domestic violence issues with him while i was pregnant. my hospital records also documented the domestic violence issues. social services were involved but they closed the case because i got rid of him. will cafcass take this into consideration?
please does anyone out there have any advice.
Hello Huntroad, how stressful for you, please do email our Legal Expert from the link I gave you above. That is the very best help as this is so tied up with the legal system.
By the way I noiced that you duplicated this post in another section so I have amalgamated them both here.
Hello shelleigh and welcome along.
I see that you say you have three daughters and I am guessing that you have a younger child from your most recent relationship and the man you are talking about in this post is someone from whom you split a few years ago?
I totally understand that you want to protect your children.....can I ask from what? Is it that he may walk out of their lives altogether again and cause them hurt and upset? Well yes, I agree with you there but that is the case for all of us. If he does take legal action then it is fairly likely that he will be given defined parenting time (unless he is violent or an addict, for example) and then that moves out of your hands....far better to make that private arrangement on your own terms is what I say
However, one of the most important factors in this is how do your girls feel about seeing/not seeing their dad...and if the answer is that they do not want to see him then the court officers will take some notice of this. I am not saying that means that he will be prevented from seeing them, but at least their views will count. Email our Legal Expert if you want to ask more about the court process. What does your own solicitor say?
Children can grow up perfectly Ok with just one parent but it's great if they have the opportunity to know both parents, provided they wish to do so.
The thing about the money: whether or not he pays child support is a completely separate matter in law to whether he has time with them. Parents can become entrenched in their situations: he's not paying so why should he see them; she won't let me see them so why should I pay? Have you been through the Child Support Agency? If not then I would recommend you do so. If you have been through them and are stiill struggling to obtain child support, please email our Child Support Expert
Lots of things for you to think about here; stay with us and talk things over