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Hello Flotsam
This is a difficult one. Your children will have more notice taken of them by the powers that be as they get older but they are sort of on the borderline now.
You need to make a big decision. If you decide that you are going to put your foot down with their dad then you have to be prepared to be strong and to go through with it, and the children have to be very firmly decided in their opinions too.
Here are some things you can do
1. The children can write him a letter telling him how they feel. Be aware that he may think you have put them up to it, that is what I mean when I say that the children need to be firmly decided as he may question them about it. They could say they still want to see him but on a different basis, that they want time with their friends and for the contact pattern to take their wishes into account. I have to say that the contact they have with him is not excessive and the most reasonable outcome would be for less time in the holidays or at least to know what time in advance.
2. You could ask him to go to mediation with you, again perhaps by letter. With no actual abuse, it is unlikely that he would be stopped from seeing them but maybe he will see that now they are older they have different contact needs...and after all, it is about THEM, not him. Click here to find a local mediation service.
3. Ultimately you, or they, can refuse contact; this is not to be recommended unless other avenues have been exhausted as he will then take legal action and if you need a solicitor then unless you are on Income Support or Income-related Job Seeker's Allowance then you are likely to have to pay legal fees. The "up-side" of this option, however, is that the court would ask for CAFCASS (children and families officers) to report on the case and the children would get a chance to say how they feel.
4. Worst case scenario: they continue with this pattern until they are 16 and then they are totally free to choose.
I know this is a bit blunt but I think it is better to give you some straight information so you can make what you think is the best decision.
Good luck!
Hi flotsam
If it were my lot, I would be telling them that it's only for a short period of time, and they never know, but they might have a good time.
If they know when they're seeing him, then they can work around that with their friends.
And - the hard one - no texting to let you know they're miserable, as you worry.
I have to say with my ex, when the children were with him, they were not allowed to contact me, and I never contacted them out of respect for their father.
I do feel at their ages that they can tell their father that they don't want to stay over anymore and why. I would leave this up to them though, and they need to let their father know. They can let him know its their choice and why.
It's horrid when they're not happy, I know.
Hello again
I was just wondering if you think it might help them both to speak to someone outside the family? There may be a counselling service through school, or Relate run a fab one for young people, click here to find your nearest one.
Just a thought: how comfortable are YOU with him visiting your home twice a week, 11 years after your separation? Of course you may feel that the alternative is that he would be expecting the children to go over to his, and so you tolerate the visits, but as time goes on I would urge you to think of yourself and your privacy.
Our instinct is to protect our children from anything that may make them miserable but as they get older there is something about them making choices and being prepared to take the consequences of those choices, so don't make it all your responsibility.
I am also looking for advice on this type of situation. My 6 yr old son is increasingly objecting to visiting his Dad now that he lives one and a half hour's drive away in a flat he shares with his new partner. I have managed to find out that his unwillingness is partly due to the long distance he is away from me, his Mum, but also because he has very few of his own things around him in the new flat (mostly all now in storage after my ex husband sold the marital home this summer). He takes familiar toys, but still gets very upset before leaving me, even though his Dad does do lots of great things with him & the new girlfriend sounds very nice too!!
How can I help my son adjust to this new situation? His Dad is very spikey when I mention it, saying he can't help living so far away (he lives near his workplace). His original plan to live locally in order to stay in touch has not materialised, and I think it may not ever now.
Hello Kate in the stix
Welcome to One Space!
You boy is still quite young and so it will be more of a wrench when he goes to his Dad's. I don't know how long he is there (the whole weekend?) but whilst reassuring you that he will get accustomed to it, I have a couple of suggestions which might ease the way.
Firstly, depending on how long he is there, think about a system of small gifts from home. He can open one each mornong or one each bedtime, whatever is appropriate, maybe even two per day. Impress upon him that these gifts mean that wherever he is, and wherever you are, there is magic between you and the present means you are joined by a string of love and kisses. Now, Ok, you are going to need a lot a imagination to keep it going but we are not talking major expenditure here: a smiley sticker, a picture you have drawn, a photo, a mini bouncy ball.
Secondly, a star chart at home. Tell him you understand he feels sad to be away from you (never dismiss his feelings or tell hiim he is being silly-I am sure you wouldn't!) He can win stars for being brave about going to dad's.
Finally there is a bedtime book that may help, click here to see it
Hi Kate in the stix
I do think it can be upsetting for our children when they do go to see their "other" parent, but I'm sure once they're on the road, so to speak, that he'll soon settle down.
I didn't have the distance with my lot, but would have to prise one of my children off me to stay with their Dad, and when things were good, they did have a great time.
It's unfortunate that your ex is 'spikey' about discussing it though.
You're being very positive about things with his Dad and g/f, which is good.
Do you share the travelling?
Hi,
Two years ago my husband walked out on me and my children at 6am in the morning saying it was for the best. Both boys in the first instance were ok with going to see him until, he took them to his mothers and all she did was shout all weekend at my eldest and was loving to my younger son, they then went to stay at his house, his bathroom was downstairs, my youngest son asked if he would go down with him as it looked spooky, their father refused, saying don't be silly, eventually my eldest son went down with him and waited, consequently after these visits neither child wanted to go anywhere with him, my eldest son wants nothing to do with him, when he is told this he just laughs and says oh your mum is talking again. We have been to court twice, the first time the judge completely understood and said their father had a lot of hard work to get the boys on side. My concern is, will they be made to go, my eldest son is really stressed out about the whole situation and has actually told his father he hates him and wants nothing to do with him, again he was just laughed at, he has put my youngest son off going out with him as he drives like a complete nutter and he doesn't want to be away from his brother, obviously they have created a huge bond with each other, does anyone have any advice, i just can't see how they can be made to go somewhere which is going to cause them great distress.
Hopefully hear back from someone, surely there can't be others in this awful situation though.....
Hi renee42. Welcome along to One Space. Sorry that your boys feel this way. How old are they? I've not experienced your situation, but other members will no doubt be able to help you with this one.
You said what had happened the first time you went to court, but how about the second time? I really do feel for you, and of course the boys. Please keep posting, as others will be along at some point.
Hi, thank you for replying, my boys are 12 & 7 at the moment, my eldest will be 13 in May, the youngest 8 in July, the second time at court, his solicitor decided that we needed to see a psycologist to try and prove i am keeping the boys away from him and brainwashing them......we also had to meet up with two ladies from cafcass on the same evening, anyone could see from a mile away that both boys were not happy and they even told them, still they did not get listened to, it was going to cost me £1000 per visit to the psycologist, and to date they wanted me to go twice to London which i have point blankly refused, i just can not afford anymore money when i know the outcome will be the same,the boys father the last 5 times he has seen them has spent the entire time flicking bits of paper at them....very grown up i feel. I am at my wits end i really am, feel so bad for my boys, and just can't see an end to it all, my ex has a new partner who has kids of her own, i went out with someone briefly but to be honest my boys come first and i don't need any extra hassle. Feel so alone i really do, friends in happy relationships just don't get it.....
No, they don't and you are quite right that your boys have to be your priority.
Why on earth should you have to pay £1000 to see a psychologist? If the boy's dad wants to allege Parental Alienation (that is what he is talking about) then it is for him to provide the evidence, not you to disprove it. What does your own solicitor say?
Your oldest boy is getting to the age where the authorities should listen to him. I understand that you would not feel happy for the youngest to go alone and it might be better to look at things from a less emotional angle (very hard I know, when of course you feel emotional about the situation) and say I have concerns about the safety of his driving, I have concerns about the fact that he makes fun of my youngest for being scared of the dark. I don't know if you have any sort of relationship still with his mum? You say she was loving towards your younger son. If contact is going to happen, could it be at her house? Or you could consider the child contact centre. Talk to your solicitor about these options, which do solve the problems of the driving and the darkness.
I know it seems very unfair if the boys are saying they don't want to go at all but as the law stands, if a court can see no harm in their having a relationship and contact with their dad then there is little you can do until the boys are older. It might be that they have a problem with his new partner, if so it is important to talk about this and see what can be done to resolve it. See here for an article about disagreeing with the other parent.
Hi
I'm so sorry you're facing this.
In my case there was no Court order. At various points the children didn't want to go, but, me being me, would persuade them. There were times I physically pushed my daughter into the car and dragged her out the other end, yelling at The Git to come and help get her into his house instead of standing watching.
She always came home happy.
I too told The Git that it was up to him to make the weekend so good that they were dying to be there.
I know each situation is so different, but I just thought I'd share this.
Blooming cheek expecting you to pay all that money for a psychologist!
Sending a load of hugs your way.
Hi renee42
This is such a difficult thing for us to face.
I made the decision to stop contact, my solicitor wrote a letter to my ex, he then tried to take me to Court, however it didn't turn out very well for him.
I always believe that access to the absent parent must be made as easy as possible and resident parents shouldn't stand in the way. However, as in my circumstances, I had allowed my daughter to be in unsafe situations, witness bad behaviour and didn't do anything about it, as I thought 'she should know her dad'.
Then one day I realised I was not doing the best I could as a mother and even if it didn't go my way I had to make a stand to protect my daughter. I say this because it took a lot of courage and a year of pain, but in the end I felt stronger and my relationship grew with my child. I was not prepared to be a victim any longer.
This of course doesn't mean that you should do this, however, it sounds as though you need to do something to make you feel as though you are doing right by yourself and your children.
On completely the other hand, I just want to point out that our children can read us so easily, if they know we don't like them going to their other parent, they will play on it, if we are non committal and indifferent maybe they will pick up on that and play along.
Have you heard back from CAFCASS, are you due any more meetings?
My girls are aged 5 & 3 hav'nt seen their 'father' in nearly 2yrs, I have been taken to court numerous times for contact. In the middle of this it came out that he had indecently assaulted my eldest daughter between ages 9/10. Although this held back the decision for contact it has now been granted, they do not want to go & have told the social worker every time that they don't think, remember or want to see him. My 5yr old has beed wetting the bed, having nightmares & getting very distressed at the thought of having to see him. Do I have to force them to go?? These questions had to be asked for the court but when it got there I was told they were too young to make their own decision!! Can anyone give me advice on this please??
Hi Darkfairy
I am so sorry to read about this very traumatic time for you and your girls. I am wondering if you can appeal? What does your solicitor say? Did your girls talk to a CAFCASS officer? It seems ridiculous that contact was decided after what came to light.
Is there a case going ahead with the assault on your eldest daughter?
So many questions, I would suggest that you contact our legal expert and they will be able to give you some professional advice click on Ask the Expert.
Let us know what they say. When is the first contact date set for?
Hello Darkfairy
Hope you get some good information from our Legal Expert. There is no way I would let my children go to someone who had indecently assaulted a child.
Stay strong and take care.
My children are 11 & 13. They live with me (their Father).
Their mother has demanded that she has the children at hers this xmas but the children have stated that they do not want to go.
A court has recently awarded her a contact order stating that they go to her on the simple basis that they spent xmas last year with me (even though there has been no previous pattern).
I am not going to obstruct the order but both children have said that they will refuse to get in her car when she comes to pick them up. I have explained to them that the order is in place however they are firm that they will refuse.
Where do I stand in the eyes of the law if this happens? Will I be in contempt of court even if I am not in control of the situation?
If anybody is able to give me advice it would be much appreciated.
Hi single dad
In principle, it is your responsibility to make them go if there is a court order. However, I do not think that should extend to bodily picking them up and putting them in the car! Please email this question to our Legal Expert I suggest you do this straightaway as that service will be closed over the holidays
hi my 2 children do not like staaying at their dad's, they dont feel welcome there, and they say there is nothing there for them. they have a bedroom each, but nothing in but a bed.
they are 13 and 15, its really hard for them, he works away alot, and wen he comes home they feel he should make the effort and see them, however he likes to go the pub and out with friends.
we have another daughter she is 20 and she has nothing to do with him, she wrote him a letter 2yrs ago telling him how she feels and wanted him to be there, but he took no notice.
i feel so sad for them, because they see they friends and cousins with they dad's, and all they want is the same.
i spoke to him about how they feel he just told me to f off!!!!!!
my son phoned him at xmas time, he wanted to call round, his dad said it was too short notice, unbelivable. help any advice. louise
Hi louise66
In the extreme, if you were to stop all contact and your ex was to take you to court to see them, as they are 13 and 15 their views would be taken seriously by a judge.
What about if you changed contact times to once a month? Your children are getting older and will want more of their own lives now, this has to be taken into consideration.
I thinnk all single parents see other children with their parents and wish that their kids have the same, but we can't dwell on that, it is what it is. At best we can think that at least they can see what a healthy relationship is like, so when they are parents themselves, they can be more like their uncle's than their dad!
How long have you been separated? How long have your children been visiting like this and not enjoying it? Has your ex remarried?
hi anna, i have been divorced from my ex now for 12 yrs, he remarried couple of yrs ago with a girl from thailand, my children have found this difficult to cope with, however they have done they best.
from day 1 they never wanted to go, i did try and make it a good thing for them, but they just didnt feel like it was their home.
its been very hard for them, and they feel let down, because he always puts himself first.
such a sad situation, and i wish it was different, but i know it wont be.
Hi louise66, your children must have found it hard, yourself too.
However you say you wish it was different, you know that you can't change him, but how would you like to see the contact happen? How do you think it would work best for your children?
it may work i am not sure, but for him to hear his children say how they feel, and for him to listen. very hard, but i know things will not really change, and i cant change him. i have always wanted him to have contact, but it was and always has been on his terms. he expected the children to give up going to parties etc, but they too have a life.
i have left it up to them to see where they want to go, he told me never to contact him in any shape or form.
its up to the children now.
It sounds as though you have tried to talk with your ex and he doesn't listen. You have tried to be compromising and amenable, but it sounds as though he holds very little respect for you as the childrens mother.
Are the children likely to turn around and say they don't want to visit anymore? Or do you feel that they are just coming home and complaining?
Would they write a letter to their dad stating what they would like to happen differently?
i have spoke to my children, and the girls dont want anything to do with him, however my son said he would write to him, and see what happens.
hope things can get better for them.
I'm sure they'll feel better for having made a choice too...
Best wishes
That's brilliant that they know what they want.
So will the girls let their dad know, or will their brother write to him explaining the whole situation?
Hi flotsam. Welcome along to One Space. I am not in your position, so don't really know the answers, but others will be along who possibly have been where you are at now.
It must be awful for you receiving miserable texts from the kids. I guess all you can do, is think that it is only for a few days, and then there'll be home with you again. Perhaps after this visit, you could speak to your ex, and tell him straight about how the visits upset the children. If he doesn't know, then he can't do an awful lot can he? Are the children not comfortable in telling him how they feel?
Please keep posting, like I said, others will be along at some point.