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Hi I am new to the site and wish for advice regarding my teenager aged 14 I dont know how to manage his aggressive, anger, rude, disrespectfull behaviour I have on many occassions tryed to talk to him when I approach his room he says get out. when i ask him to clean his room i get the same words. He never listens to me i feel he hates me at times and i just dont know where i have gone wrong. I have taken things from him but his dad gives them back on weekends so this doesnt work which has been on going. His school work is suffering at present which i have a good relationship with his teacher and she keeps me informed of what he his doing he knows this. I have tryed to explain how important school his which he knows how much I value education. i just feel frustrated and dont know what to do anymore. Has anyone got ideas for me. Many Thanks
Hi packard, I've welcomed you along on the other post. You've posted twice, but I'm sure Louise will be able to sort it 
We'd all get a bit confused otherwise, when the threads are the same. No worries though.
Hi elle. Sorry to hear your son is acting up again. Sometimes it does feel as if we're going round in circles doesn't it? Sure I'll catch up with your news on the other thread. xx
NOTE FROM MODERATOR: this post moved over from other thread, as packard had posted twice
Hi packard. Welcome along to One Space. I have yet to go through the teen years, but I do sympathise with you, after reading some of the other posts regarding teenagers and their ways!! Have a look at this here A few tips on teens. It must be difficult also for you to discipline by removing things from your son, only for his Dad to return them at weekends. Is there any chance you and his Dad could work together on this one? Keep posting as I'm sure others will be best able to advise you on this one.
Hi Elle81 and hazeleyes. Thanks for your comments
I have sat with his dad many times but he doesnt take me seriously. His dad lives with his parents still and has no real responsibilty. My children go on weekends so to my son its an escaped place no rules or boundries. I have resulted to threating him he will not go or stop but my son turns it on to me by saying i cant stop him seeing his dad, which his dad supports this.
I have thought about letting him live with his dad but that wont make me happy and i know in the long term it wont be the right move because of educatution and deep down i know it wont make my son happy as he belongs with me. I feel he has a stable home and a nice home enviorment but cant understand why he behaves the way he does.
I am sorry to here your news Elle regarding your son. I have not yet had the experience of him kicking me. Im not sure what the best advice is regarding violence. May be the proffessional route or discussing this with his teacher if they have advice.
Thanx hazel eyes ive wrote a bit more on the day to day chat room thanx for trying to help it nice to know i have got support on here x
The support from everyone helping each other is great isn't it.
packard, perhaps your teen is acting up simply because you have rules, discipline him etc, and at his Dads, there are none. As we all know, and very quickly learn, there has to be rules in place, hard as it is for the children at first, they do eventually learn. Keep going with it.
Hello packard and welcome to One Space!
No magic wand here, but a heck of a lot of support and some suggestions Hazeleyes has already given you a good link and that might help you understand some of the reasons he behaves as he does....not that it is any excuse!
That is dreadful that his dad undermines you, could you ask his dad not to or does he enjoy thwarting you? Even if this is the case, you have control for the rest of the time so if that is the case, disregard what his dad does and take charge of your own bit at least.
It's a good idea to make a list of bahviours you want to change specifically.The reason I say this is because we as parents often say to our teens oh you're impossible or you're a pain in the neck or I am sick of you, rather than "I need you to speak to me in a respectful way, with no swearing" Do you see the difference? The first examples are about labelling our teen whereas the final one is about asking for the behaviour you want to see.
Read this article about Family Contracts. Could you give this a go? Your side of things could be for him to get his homework done on time and to speak in a respectful way. In return you could have a think about his bedroom.....teens desperately crave privacy. I always knock on my boy's bedroom door for example. You could agree that that room is his territory and you will not intrude except once a week for cleaning purposes but he could even keep you out then if he will give his room a weekly hoover and dust and bring out all rubbish and dirty pots every day. What I am saying is CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES. It is more important that he does his school work and speaks to you respectfully than that he has a tidy bedroom.
Do the two of you ever do anything nice together? When they are flouncing around and being awful it is tempting to think oh thank heavens they have gone to their room....but think of something he likes and take an interest in it, whether that is watching a movie togther, or like another member on here did, having to go fishing. I had to learn all about the WWE wrestlers to keep up with my boys....you might end up as a footy expert. The point is to take an interest in HIM and hopefully enjoy some non-critical time together. Card games is another one that boys seem to like, they don't have to give you much eye contact then. if he really won't do ANYTHING with you then say oh that's a shame, I miss being with you, you are so....(something nice eg kind clever imaginative) And praise him whenever you can...this can be hard if they are not very praiseworthy but there will always be something.
That's a few idea to set out with. The important thing to remember is to stay calm at all costs. Teens know how to wind us up and if we are wound up, they have "won"
Click here to see a link to my favourite book, which I recommend to all parents of teens
i was thinking of taking him to my gp see if he could suggest anything if he continues to be a pain,i think they can have a great home life but they will still do it must be there hormones going wild! lol
sorry his dad is no help if he was it would take some of the pressure of you as its not fair its all on your shoulders,i hope louises advice helps and keep us posted with how you get on
Hi all, has anyone on this thread done a parenting programme? No parent has all the answers, by attending a parenting programme, you can make new friends, pick up tips and ideas from others who have 'been there' and learn about new techniques. The programme that we often run here at Single Parent Action Network is Strengthening Families Strengthening Communities. This programme originated in the USA and was written for parents of gang members. The Racial Equality Foundation brought it to England and had it rewritten for an English audience.
Its fantastic! I have delivered a few classes and learnt so much myself every time. Louise and Sally are also facilitators. Check it out!
You might also be interested in doing our online Confident Parenting course.
The 5 tips for dealing with disrespectful teenagers article, that hazeleyes put a link to is excellent and a good start. Also have a read of Parenting Teens too.
I can only emphasise what Louise says, 'SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH THEM' let them decide what you are going to do for the 1-2 hours that you give them each week. Don't question them, let them lead on the time spent together. I promise you it works wonders 
Hi all
Just wanted to say that as a parent of teens myself and going through exactly the same issues with my fourteen year old. From my experience of working with families i know that this is typical teenage behaviour.
Something that i find helps is spending time together, and trying to talk about him. Not sure if you have heard or read about this in child development books, but when children hit puberty their brains go through a kind off pruning process. What happens is that all the networks in the brain go through a process of getting rid of cells and connections that are no longer or rarely used and strengthening the ones that are used most.
So when are teens are having problems remembering or losing all their belongings etc, it's just that that area of their brains are under construction. This is why we use the term their going through a phase!
Anyway now that i have imparted a little trivia knowledge, how to help our teens! As Anna has said just being their for them, keeping the lines of communication open is really important, and spending time with them, though it can be difficult to find things to praise them for, we have to really make an effort to find something to praise them about.
Try having family meetings, where you can discuss, the impact of their behaviour on you and the rest of the family, and ask for suggestions from them about how things can be improved, i have found this works well.
Hope this helps! i'm off to the school tomorrow about homework or the lack of it!
Hi packard sorry to hear you are having trouble with your son i have the same problem with my son whos 13 in january,its so hard isnt it especially with his dad underminding what you have said,could you not sit down with his dad and explain that this cant go on as you bear the brunt of it at home? sorry i cant offer you advice as i am struggeling myself,ive sat down and spoke to my son about this and he will just laugh or il ground him take things away from him he will be fine for a few days then he will start again its never ending
Only minutes ago he kicked me twice not hard and was only messing around but thats not the point i hate violence as i suffered at the hands of his dad for seven years and ive explained to him that i dont want him to turn out the way his dad did
im sorry you are struggeling with your son and i cant offer you any advice anna and louise on here should be able to offer you some good advice they did to me just that its not worked,im trying my best but its so hard,so i wish you all the luck in the world i know its hard but stay strong and i am here if you need to have a moan.x