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Hello, i read some stories and they are really sad....i guess i should be happy that i have not witnessed violence from my ex husband every day....
Well i will share my story, i got married to him in 2003, he was not violent physically, but he would hit me i think if i would go for him during argument, i never dared....he had pushed me couple of times during our marriage during arguments and i started divorce after our son was born as he kicked hair dryer which i had in my hands and felt like a kick in a face, i had split tongue against my teeth and soon after that i though i will start divorce as not having him thinking he can do that and not apologise, he though it was my fault. I was drying my hair after shower and he had a habit to bring little one up and put him on bed, he was only little, could stand up while holding on something, so he was standing up on bed holding on window cill, mu ex was sort of watching him, at some point it looked to me as if he was going to fall so i quickly got to hold my boys hand, my ex shouted at me that he was watching him and pushed my hand away from my child... well that is one thing you dont do to mother, i slapped his thigh once, that was when he kicked hairdryer in my hand into my face......
I know he only sort of did it once....i wanted to make my point, i guess i did not have intention to seperate with him, i just wanted to teach him a lesson.....i started divorce in 2008 and got divorced on 2009. Our relatioship was up and down, like usual, but i thought he loved me, i loved him....
Last year he went to Thailand for 6 weeks, he came back and he was talking to thai woman, i found out that he had sex with them while he was supposed to train muy thai, i am so angry with myself as i really did believe that he went for that and to sort his head out. Well, you can imagine what was going threw my head, i had to turn into detective to find names to get proof for that, because regarding to what he said he had sex with nobody.....i managed to get to his FB acount where he was telling his mates about getting into temtation after 1 week he has been, i learned that somebody called crak head stole his apple phone ,but gave a good head (to me it was presented over skype that somebdy stole his phne while he was on the trip to somewhere) etc, he was tlaking normal to me while was there, nothing indicated that he was doing something esle.....till he came back and i found out. Oh my god, it has been almost a year and i still can not get it out of my head, we still live together, nearly split couple of times, but because of kids it stopped me......he is so cold, no remorse, he though he will come back, treat me like nothing, lie to me and i will bite on it.....he got angry because i could not help to confront him whith my finding, he swore to his life that he had no sex with anybody any kind and i found his thai sim card ringing these woman and meeting them at 3am in honey bar, what then that was supposed to be? he was talking to this other woman on fb in front of me, happened that i read 2 of their conversations as he left it on by mistake, she was asking how is his ex wife and that i want to kiss him and care him for me and he just sarcastically was answering that never and that is not possible and told her he cares about her....i feel so angry with myself for trusting completely and believing every little thing....i have turned into this paranoid controlling person, well, he has paswords on his computer and other accounts so i can only see what he has been up to when accidentally left on, but it hurts so much, i had really bad year. I emailed him in beginning of march as he wa working away asking him to give us a try for kids sake, he did not reply, but seemed to me that had softened to me, but then he does not want me sexually, he does not want to kiss mee, i feel rejected. always excuses that he is too tired or something else, yesterday it was the day....i gathered everything inside of me for a while and this morning i told him that i cant live like that....
what makes all worth, my family lives in different country, i am originally from different country....i have no where to go till house is sold, his family is a bunch of liars, his mother feeds of other people unhapiness.....his brother supports his brother, he actually went to see him in thailand, they both had a good time and then his brother gave him some more money so he can stop longer there....obviously he thinks nothing of me either.....
i am self employed interpreter, job is not very good at the moment as well thanks to moj....
i dont know what to do, but i realised that as long as i am with him and he treats me like he does i can not be happy, neather it is good for kids as for last 2 days although i dont cry infront of them or try to have arguments i am genuinelly upset and feel low.....i thought maybe somebody might understand how i feel....have been a year of torture, how can i help myself, do you think hypnotherpahy would help me?
Thanx for listening.
Hello sadsoul
I just wanted to say welcome. Phoenix you have written a really helpful post, thank you.
I agree, sadsoul, that you need your own space but from what you were saying it sounds diffcult on a practical basis. So does that mean you are still living in the same house together until it is sold? Time, then, to gather some practical and useful information so you have everything ready!
Have you had some legal advice? You can email our Legal Expert here.
What about finances? You say you work as an interpreter, do you have regular work? You don't say hoe old your children are but if you have a child under seven, you will be able to claim Income Support if not working. If you are working at least 16 hours then you can claim Working Tax Credit. Find out all about this by contacting our Money expert.
You're right that it is not ideal for the children to be living in an atmosphere of conflict but once you have collected ths information, you may be in a position to make some decisions about that,
Stay with us, you are among friends, let us know how you are getting on. How are you today?
(Thank you Louise). Morning Sadsoul, how are things for you.... ? Will be thinking of you and hoping you stay strong.
Hello, thank you for your message, it does feel better that you know you are not alone, you have someone to talk to. I will tell more about myself then, i am 34 years old and have 2 kids 11 and 5. Work at the moment has dried out as we (all qualified interpreters) are boycoting this stupid Moj decision to give contract to suplly courts with interpreters from private agency (maybe you have heard about it, there have been few demonstrations in Londond, last one 16th April) so at the moment my material situation is not brilliant, just have to wait and see and if there is not improvement will have to look for different job as i never ever had any benefits so i guess that asking for benefits would make me feel as if i am begging. Pride is a horrible thing.
Regarding passports and documents, they always with me in safe place, i am not scared of him, but i did hid documents just in case, at some point i guess i was a little bit paranoid and thought that he might take kids and take them to Thailand where he had all those women....
Regarding house....well, this is tricky one. It is in his name even it was bought when we already have been married and i was working, at a time i thought nothing of it, but now, when situation is like this i started thinking back- why he did not add my name on morgage as well? When i divorced him, as it was more in my opinion lesson to him then seperation, i did not sort material part, just kids. To start with when he came back from Thailand and i found out about some of the woman (not the full story of course, guess i will never ever find out whathas really happened there) i was really upset, i am very petit and skinny anyway, but i lost weight, i was crying all the time, physically could not eat, every time i put something in my mouth i felt like bringing it back, to chew mouthful of food took me ages. It was school holidays and i went back home with kids for 2 weeks, had a general healt check, 4 psychotheraphy sessions which did make me feel better. I have support from sister, but my mum just blames me for everything, this is the way it is, she always been like that, so not a great help, but i still love her, i guess she did not have easy life herself so cant give support and love as she does not simply know how. So when i came back he was saying that me and kids can stop in the house and he is going to work away and rent something when he comes back. As i felt better and he was only comming back weekends i told him that he can stop at home as i could go out with friends or to work if i got call out. This i guess answers question about friends, i do have few friends, not many, but they are nice girls, they do support me, but i am sort of a loner, i dont like to be sad around people as everybody got their own problems and being with friends would mean more to enjoy the day rather then be misorable.... So anyway, he did not move out and was comming back in weekends, then he offered to go on holiday in end of october which we did, he paid for it, i put a brave face and just tried to enjoy it for kids and have some sun tan....it was ok, but it is so difficult to put your mind in rest, as i said before, nearly year has come around since he went to Thailand and i still cry at nighttime trying to analyse why he did it, why he does not love me, why he does not want me then i imagine what he done with those women, how he enjoyed it and then i start thinking that he perhaps thinks about them and is missing them and this is why he does not want me.....it hurts so much. I have a thought that maybe if i would go on my own to Thailand and see what is going on there with my own eyes i could find rest for my mind.....but i cant leave kids, most of the time i have left them was 2 nights when i went to my grandmothers funeral and that was bad enough. Sorry, i keep tallking about something else all the time....yes, so about house, then we living there together, sometimes we had sex, but i would not say that everything was ok. Every time i asked what he has decided to do he said that he does not know yet and then nothing again. In december he told me that he was going to go to Thailand again so i asked him would he still go if i would ask him not to and then he did not go saying to me that he did not go because i asked him, i though of made clar if he goes again he is not welcome back. I went with kids for new year back home again, he stopped at house and was doing some work, like decorating little ones bedroom and painting walls, we came back he knocked wall in the kitchen so the room is like one big room, obviously it is still in the working proress state as need money to finish it. Oh yes, i did not say that before going to Thailand he opened his own bank account and is not using any more joint one, he pust some money in there maybe couple of times a month as all the bills come out of there. So then again in one of the days when i had collected all the emotions inside me and could not hold them any longer in (by finding out about those blow jobs he had and birds and not paid once etc etc) i confronted him and he told me that if i dont like something then i can move out, that house is only his and nothing is mine, that i dont clean it (i do obviously, but he always had found something to nagg at me eather not cleaned enough like not wiping toilet seat when he and son had weed on it, even i dont think it is my jobs to lift seat up specially to look if any of them had splattered on toilet, if i clean bathroom i will do it, but not specially check for it, he seen it he could wiped it! or that i did not earn enough money (obviously some one has to take kids to school and fetch them and take to afterschool things they do) and that he wants to keep house, that he started all these jobs and he has offer for me, it was that i move out and he pays me 1000 for a year and then minimum he would have to pay (he would have to pay for only 1 child as the other one is from previous relationships, but he was a father for her as we got together when daughter was 1,5y old), i told him that i cant trust him as he has told me lies before and i no more trust him, i will move out of the house and will have nothing and that i will go legal way (if i understood correctly my paperwork from divorce then i can sort out any time material part unless i get married again). My plan was to try to live in UK on my own with kids and if i cant survive then move back to where i come from (but there are no jobs, you dont earn much for full day work, only about 350 a month, kids dont speak the language.....their home is here...., but anyway he said if i go to court then i can wait and see what i will get and he would not give to me permission to move there with kids.
So we have been living as we were, i think if i move out then i will see nothing of house and he obviously thinks that it is not his duty to move out if i am not happy with the situation. We do talk and go out with kids, but it is only thanks to my sacrifise, i always have to bite tongue or not defend myself verbally if he says something as i think that he would not give me money and then what? I have come to conclusion that i need to sort it out by september, i make myself ill with all this thinking and analysing, he does not act normal and that does not let me to even try to forget things, i think i said before i have a feeling that he does not want me, does not want being close to me, always makes excuses which he never used to when we were ok and that makes you thinking again why he is doing it and it is like a magic circle, brings me down and i get upset and emotional. So i know i need to gather information first, i would like to know what help i could get if i would rent, could i rent something with possibility to buy it off later? I dont think i want a council house, i would not be able to survive in areas like that, i have seen who lives there threw work, i dont need more stress. I rather rent privately in nice and quiet area, but rent normally is much bigger then i could afford with my income at the moment. Workwise it is difficult to predict how many hours i work, i am self employed, at the moment i have said that i regulary work 2 hours a week, that is job i have regulary every week, the rest of them depends from demand, i can go out and work 12 hours in one day, but then nothing for a week...so how do i work out how many hours i have worked? At the moment child benefit and working tax credit forms show our-- mine and partners (i dont know how to call ex with whom you still live together, he thinks he is single though) regular income as i dont want to brake the law by saying that i am single when i actually live with somebody technically.
Oh dear....what a mess.....but i do think i am definetely better off as i do work myself every day up for nothing, somebody cheated on me big time and i am the one who still cries year later, isnt that silly? Wish i could be the iron lady, dumped him when i found out that he was talking to that thai woman, should have let him to move out when he said he was and maybe i would have my life sorted out more or less by now, now i am still in the same position as i was year ago with myself being my worst enemy, he doesnt care do i cry or not, he does not give a dam how i feel about him sleeping with all those women as he sees that he has not done anything wrong as we were divorced (even living and sleeping together), if he would care he would not do all that, would he? I have seen on FB when i was spying on him (yes, he would not accept me on his facebook as a friend and he got his own password protected laptop which he uses) that he has said that to this one thai woman that he is divorced, lives on his own and sees kids as much as he can.....nice to know that he told lies like that to them....i cant understand men, why they do it, if he felt like that then i think he should have broken up with me before he went and then it would not be my busyness what he is doing there. Weird thinking, he still now sees that i am upset, he knows he has done so and is still doing it and then he asks me about building conservatory, showing me and saying- oh this is nice and would fit in the garden, me thinking- what you doing, you seems not wanting to be with me and then showing conservatory, how long does he thinks i will cope with that?
I am really grateful for listening to me, i know i can go over one thing over and over again, this is all what is in my head at the moment....and i will be very grateful for any advise how to brake this magic circle. I know we need to sell the house, i would love to buy something for me and kids even it is smaller, like 2 bedroom, they can have bedroom each and i would sleep in lounge, i dont mind, it would be a start....
Regarding counceling....i would feel ashamed that i cant control my own emotions, would they think i am totally crazy? I went once to see my gp as i felt all the time tired and worn out, they did blood test and it was fine, they told me to go home and sort my head out as all the problems start there, after that advise i intend not to go unless i really need to, that was why i had general health check privately in my country.
If you got time and ideas i will be glad to hear them, thank you again....
Hi Sadsoul, I am sorry for all the horrible things you are going through. Louise has goodd ideas in her post. Do check them out.
I am rather confused; is your ex from Thailand ? Is that why he is returning there or is it the Thai 'lifestlye' he is after?
I know what you mean about not being to leave the UK becuse of the children. Same here for me too. So I can really empathise. It sounds like you are better off making it on your own...it seems to me that he has no desire to regard you as his life partner whom he loves...Everything you have written suggest that you are just living together because you have no where to live on your own. Get the help you and the children deserve!!! Don't feel bad about getting on benefits. No one really wants to be asking for money especially when you have children.
I too, found it hard after being a professional and then a full time mother and housewife, to "..ask for money..." I have been working in one way or another for nearly 25 years and now am reduced to receiving benefits. I tell myself I am doing this for my children (as well as myself). I look forward to the day when I can work full time again and not to have to be on benefits. In the meantime, I am working hard to raise the kids so they can be fully independent and hardworking adults. It isn't easy....but it is possible. You need the right kind of help. Start by checking out Louise's links.
Take care, Sadsoul. Stay strong. We can choose the path we want to travel on... YOU can choose. Sounds crazy and scary....but there are folks to help you along the way. Don't think you HAVE to depend on him for the rest of your life. Things will work out sooner or later. I tell myself that all the time. It might be difficult now because the children are young or you don't have a job etc...but if you have made up your mind you want to make a life for yourself, you will suceed. It is only a case of HOW. Concentrate on the HOW and find the ways to get there.
Stay on board. Peace to you
Hi again sadsoul, yes do use the links. You could get some help towards the rent of a house, with Housing Benefit. See if you can put a bit of money away in an account in your own name during these weeks as you will need a deposit if you move out, but check out the legal position.
As for counselling, it is a safe place to explore your emotions. I work as a counsellor and people come to see me about all sorts of things, some things that happened many years ago and they are still dealing with them so no, they would not think you are crazy 
Hello again, i will check Louises suggested links and see what ideas it will lead to. I think if i would win a lotterie i would be out of here by end of the weekend so i guess i am scared to make any life changing decisions as it might backfire to me if not carefully thought threw.
My ex is not from Thailand, he is English. I never even noticed that he likes Asian ladies, and never thought that he would betray me in that way as in his relatinship before me his girlfriend slept with his best mate so i thought he would never do something like that to anybody else knowing how much it hurts. He started doing martial arts last year in january, there somehow he got this idea about going to thailand to do mui thai, i really believed that people have some times their dreams and if he really really wants to do it then why not, i did not give him hard time even i did not like idea of him being there, he went there with one way ticket, i hoped he will be back within 2 weeks, then his brother (single, likes ladies) went out to see him for 10 days, he went 15 days later for 10 days so i thouhg they will come back together which would happen if brother would not offer him some more money so it is possible for him to stop there. You know, all the time he was there he talked every day with kids and me on skype, normally in the morning and sometimes later in afternoon, it is 6 hours difference in time. But he talked normal, telling about his training, running, places he has been, showed his hotel room via skype, told about people, told about massages, that it is cheap to have them, but some of people who do them are trying to touch your private bits and obviously he was not happy about that, he told that his brother offered him some money as some of people he made friends with were fighting and he really wanted to watch this fight his mate was in and that was in middle of july....i thought well, he is already there so may as well watch it if really really wants to...stuped and naive i am. And then when he came back it all revealed that he was out, drinking, having 2 ladie names on his thai sim clearly suggesting that they are offering sex, one from that honey bar, another one has like a weird song if you ring a number, singing something like if you are lonely why dont you ring me....then that one he was talking on fb, he said to me that she is just a friend (he had deleted actually her from FB end og august after he had rang her few times on skype, not sure what has gone off there, but last time she messaged him on FB was on 27th march asking how is he and his family (i actually emailed her in december asking did she had sex with him and she did not say yes or no, just said they friends and to stop bother her, as if i believe her).....ridiculous!!! anything they will do to get money, tell lies, pretend....., he did not reply or if he did then deleted. Then there was this another one on the training site (still on FB) she supposed to have english boyfriend out there and when i saw that she on FB was asking him to go to his room etc he was making sort of innocent excuse, but you know, when your bell rings it rings, i can see difference between friends and not friends, later on i learned from message to one of his mates that he one evening was inviting her back to his room and she said no and is playing hot and cold and messing with his heart......so that tells it all, probably there were evening when she went to play hot in his room....and the story about crackhead at 5am on his motorbike (he hired one) and stealing his mobile phone, but giving a good head though (i had to find what that expresion ment on internet as never heard before) was an icing to everything.
You know, i feel like any other slut was worth heartache, attention etc, he new what thailand is like with woman, i learnt it afterwards reading in forums and talking to people who has been there, i never new it was this bad.....apparently they hang on your neck on every corner. So yes, from the same messages i learned that after being there 1 week he gave in to temptation, marvelous!!!
And now he is thinking he have rights to pick my faults and give advises and tell me his rules and i have to follow them, and he thought he can lie about it to me and i will believe him......
I was going to go to gp to have some blood tests done, although i sent him when he came back and he said he was fine, i never seen a result from doctors, he could have told me anything....
He have told me that he is not going to talk with me about thailand and what happened there....but it is all in my head, not knowing is worth then everything, to start with i did not want to believe those clues i found, then i could not believe that he was lying to me. Last night actully i had a dream about him being in Thailand with those women, i just need to get that stuff out of my head, i cant change what happened and it is not my fault this family has broken, he made decisions he did and he new what that will lead to...i cant find strenght to forgive him, being with him just hurts me all over again and again, i will never heel if he is there, even when i try to concentrate on family, it works for short period of time, but when i am left on my own with my thoughts....well, thats what makes me cry at night. I need destruction from it. When he was working away, well it was bothering me, but towards end of the week i had calmed down, then he is back and all over again, now he changed job as he wanted to be home!!! (guess not with me but with kids) and works nights and it all gets to me again. If he would be nice to me maybe it would make it easier to sort of block out those thoughts, but he is not, so at the moment i need somebody to love me, hug me and tell that everything will be fine and i am not getting it, then feeling miserable and sory for myself. Oh dear, life is complicated:(
Dear sadsoul, welcome to One Space from me - I have just read your messages and I am so sorry to read all that you are going through, it sounds soul destroying.
First I just want to tell you something that I think is funny about men and Thailand. I had a male friend who went over there, he 'met' a girl, who doted on his every word, she laughed at his every joke and let him do whatever he wanted in the bedroom. She basically moved into his hotel room and he paid for all her meals, bought her clothes and jewellry. He stayed an extra two weeks until his money ran out.
He came back to the UK saying he was in love and was going to save up to go back out there, marry her and bring her home as she was SO wonderful. He rang her all the time and she would tell him she loved him soooo much too etc etc
Anyway, after 3 months of working and paying off his phone bill, he went back over there. He called her when he arrived, but she said she was busy for another week. He ended up stalking her and she was doing exactly what she had done with him but with a fat American!!
It tickled me pink ha ha, he actually believed that she was 'in love' with him and english girls were so rubbish! I told him, we could all play her game, it wasn't hard. I guess if you live in poverty you would do anything to get your next meal.
Anyway back to you, have you been in touch with your local Womens Aid? Because although your ex is not being violent, he is being abusive. You can call them on 0808 2000 247
You are going to need some professional support with your situation. Receiving benefits and entitlements to housing all depends on which country you come from and your residency status.
Your life is complicated at the moment, as ThePheonix says, you can choose where you go from here.
We are here to support you all the way
Hello, no, i have not really done anything yet, just wanted to talk and you know...it does help, i did not cry last night for a change. How do you think local womans aid could help me? Another thing is, that i have been working with so many instances that in my city it would be emarressing to go and to admit that i do have problems on my own....someone might know me and i prefere to stay low while i feel down, it is about reputation as well...I know i will have to do eventually something about it or otherwise i will be still complaining here 2 years later. I am my worst enemy at the moment and it is me who is hurting myself, no one else....he? He did his dirty work and moved on, he sees me crying even i leave room when tears starts gathering in my eyes, but he does know, that at nightime i am sulking downstairs. Today just talking to him made my eyes water, tears started streaming down, my soul has memory, it knows i am hurt by him and i did not mean to cry, out of all i would like to be strong, do what i have to without emotions, like he does..
Talking about Thailand, i dont have impression that they live in absolute poverty, i remember my ex telling me when he was there that he had to tip his trainer (apparently it is a custom, besides their normal wages they get tips and their meals are paid for as well and drinks when they go out), he gave him amount which bought his son a bicycle....i said that he should be able to by his own sun a bicycle out of his wages and then ex said that he cant afford, i asked how much he earns and he gave me a number, i converted it and you know what...my mum earns less then he does in a month and you know what, she is hard working person, she works in 3 jobs so she can afford stuff (she is pensioner and is still working 2 jobs these days) so no, they are not so poor, stuff is really really cheap there if you know what i mean, they can afford to pay bills and food out of their money, it is just a lifestyle, easy money. Have a look what prices tourists pay to go on holiday there, so obviously they earn a bom from tourism. Apparently all or most of those woman got husbands or boyfriends, but they incorouge them to go and sleep with others around (lazy husbands i read on forums:), you know, it is kind of easy, you sleep with bloke and you get money:). While over here they (men)clearly see right from wrong and would not like to fall in love with prostitute (not that it has not happened :)), but it seems part of a lifestyle, everybody does it around, you see all these men walking around whith thai woman on their hands, taking back to hotel room....ok, some of them fall for it, but my ex thinks he is fantastic, that he sees threw their stories and apparently he have not given money to any of them (oh why oh why he have spent so much then i wonder), in the beginning when i was questioning him about this one woman he was talking to, so called "friend", he said that he never bought her anything, that she actualy paid for some of his meals. When i asked him why he rang her 3 times and what he was talking about and then stopped communicating with his so called friend, he replied that she tried to do a scum or something, but not in detail. Anyway, i think there are long term scammers as well, you know, they pretend to be friends, maybe make impression that they genuine and dont want your money, get your trust and then play a trick. On fb to his brother he said that "i was not bothered about her while over there, but i think she is trying to reel me in now", as not being english i had to find what that means, and if i understand correctly that she was trying to get him involved in something, is it correct? It is the same person who asked him how is he and his family after i emailed her telling her that she is not a very nice person if she knew he had family (apparently she did), so after that she has a cheek to ask him how is he and his family, i would really like to swear at this moment:) (thanks god he did not reply or at least deleted so i dont see it). I can see why you laughing, it is funny and i would be laughing if i would not have to be in this situation myself. While i was angry i thought i will go to Thailand and will teach a lesson in Honey bar:), as i am whiter then white they would absolutely love me ( i heard that they do like people with white skin over there) and i would dance my little legs off and get all the male attention to myself (not sleeping obviously, i would not go that far), but it would be nice to make them angry, i guess that would make me feel better. Dream on me ha ha ha:), i said to my friend that probably they would all kill me and i would be found dead on the beach by the end of my holiday:)).
Anyway, the conclusion is, stupid stupid man.....i would like to hear if somebody else has a story about Thailands magical affects on man:))
Hi sadsoul have just read your posts and i am really sorry that you are having to live like this, you can get help but you have to want it and yes pride can get in the way of us accessing the support we need.
I understand that you are concerned about your reputation if you seek help, but the professionals that you seek help from would not be being professional if they were judgemental about you. We can all have difficult times and need help and support.
I have on a couple of occassions worked with women that have a high profile in their local community and were staying in an abusive relationship because they were concerned about what people would think about them, eventually they did seek the support and were surprised how supportive others were.
Any information you give should be confidential anyway. Womensaid will be a listening ear and can help support you to leave your partner, they are a Domestic Abuse Service and as Anna has already said your partner is being abusive and you will need help in leaving him.
sadsoul take a look at our online Freedom Programme and see if you recognise any of your partners traits. I would also suggest that you go back to your Doctor and tell them how you are feeling and maybe to get checked out, would you be able to see a different doctor? as the last one was not very helpful telling you to "just get on with it" when you had asked for help.
Do call womensaid 0808 2000 247 and see what they say! have you contacted any of the links that Louise suggested?
Hello, thank you Sally for your message. I actually never thought that he is abusive towards me, i thought that he is moody and i did not like his attitude, but then i thought everybody got their own ups and downs, guess if i look back he has more downs then ups, at the moment it is excuse that his sleep pattern is messed up, he works nights and sleeps till dinner, so i have not rang anybody, i dont want him to know that i am talking to somebody about him and preparing myself for a big step to leave him finally, but i have realised that i do need counceling i think.....i will make appointment and go and see doctor, but what do i say when i make appointment, something that i feel quite low and need somebody to talk to? about women aid.....would i not waste their time as there are so many people who are in 100 times worth situation then i am? i know i am a bit down and on the bad day all those thoughts i mentioned before are in my head and it does affect what i do, like i dont have strenght to go with kids to park because i am sulking (internally, not crying infront of kids, but i had done laste year when he returned from thailand in end of july) or do fun things with them because i dont feel like it, dont get me wrong they are well cared for,but then one plays computer and another one watches tv or plays on wii....i do things before bed every day with little one, read book and stick some stickers, but i dont think i am fun or i think i could be more fun if my head would not be filled with this rubbish i have filled it with at the moment.
thank you for advise to look at freedom programme, i have started doing it. Made me think about bullying, our son needs one of us sleeping in his bed to start with, so i do it monday, tuesday, wednesday and thursday, he sleeps with him friday and saturday and apparently my turn is on sunday again as he needs a day off as it is not his fault that he works nights and if i want i can work nights myself and then he will be happy to go with him every day into bed....is that considered as bullying as well? Should he be wanting to put his son 3 times a week as we both are equal parents and he is not working nights those days or he thinks he is actually doing me a favour by putting him to bed 2 times a week already?
Thank you for pushing me to ask for help and find my way around as you probably know how easy is to say i will do it later all the time and it never happens in the end:). I guess i am scared of the fact that i will actually leave him, but i have had a year of nightmare which has not finished yet and i have realised that he is not changing, from bad it has changed to worth. How do i prepare kids for that and what do i tell them, obviously they love their dad regardless. Little one playes wii with him as obviously i am playing some games with him, but in others i am quite rubbish, so he would not appretiate me not being able to play super mario:).
Hi sadsoul, you sound like you have been doing a lot of thinking.. :) Here's one more question for you then ... 
What do you want for your kids' and your own future ? If you want a better one than what you are getting, then you will need courage to find the way. (There are plenty of professionals out there to help you). If you want to stay with him, then you both need to work it out together...(bearing in mind you divorced in 2009). Again, if you take that route, there are also professionals to help you both)
If you want the first option, it seems to me, your first hurdle is about COURAGE...I hope you discover what you want. Many of us have chosen the way to be true to ourselves and be better parents to our children. In fact the children frequently come first...because we all want to give our kids a better life than what they have been having...and yes, it is hard, but the result is very often, peace, truth, calm and yes, happiness....
A thought on Thailand's 'lifestyle'...things there are not as clear cut as we might think. It would be easy to speculate...but I do know for a fact that women ( and men ) often don't have a choice in the industry.....life in that part of the world is lke nothing that folks here know....it is primarily about survival...at the lowest level. Please pardon me for 'preaching'. What I am saying is , they have a very 'difficult' life...
Sadsoul, I wish you well and very much hope you find a solution ...we are here to support you along the way...
Hi again sadsoul
You don't need to categorise all your husband's behaviour to decide whether it is bullying, all you need to know is YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.
Have a think about what Phoenix has said, it is about what you want for the future of you and the children. I am glad you have had a look at the Freedom Programme. Sally suggests calling Women's Aid and I would endorse this; you can talk through your options.
We are all here for you too
Hello, thank you for checking on me. What do i want? I dont know...but things are not right. I know you mentioned that we divorced since 2009, but it did not change anything to me, in the end of the day if you still living together as a couple does the certificate matters? But yes, there were reasons why it happened in the first place which suggests that things were not right back then. Before i filed papers i did ask would he go counciling to work things out and he cateogrically said no, i think he would not want to do it. Maybe it is men thing not to accept that you have a problem within yourself and just blame somebody else. I know and accept that i have my own problems, the way i have been raised and community around me perhaps have made me into this person who does not love myself or does not know how to love others (more meaning showing emotions), but i am willing to work on me, i have been changing, but i can not do it on my own and perhaps growing older makes you want even more to be respected, loved and wanted.
Talking about Thailand, maybe life is terrible down there, i dont know, have not been there, but the impression is that they are looking for easy life, why they need to go to work if they can have sex and get paid for it, lie to people and get money out of them and it is perfectly normal, cultural difference it is called and prostitution is easily accepted as it brings money to the country. I have been reading about their believs and they say not to get attached to anybody so perhaps thats how they move on from one person to another one. I know it is different culture, i am not English, i am from different culture, but i never ever would be doing what they are as i do have morality and princips, for all in the world i would not want to hurt anybody elses feelings regardles is it directly or threw somebody like they must do know that involivng themselves with the men who has family will hurt their family or destroy it, but they dont care. Sorry, i guess they have rights to live how they want to and choose i just feel horrible that i had to experience that myself, seeing infront of my eyes this tacky looking thai woman doing whatever she is doing with my ex, kills me.....i need to get it out of my head, it will drive me crazy, how much longer i will be able to fight with that, almost a year now......anything i would do to get these images out of my head....
Hi sadsoul, I believe that you can't blame this woman - not even a little bit, she offers a service and your husband chose to buy it.
Or he chose to hang out with her and have a relationship with her. She doesn't know you, she is living her life the best way she knows. So as easy as it is for me to say, try not to put the onus on her, this is all your husbands doing.
I think at this point you don't need to worry about what you will tell the children. You currently have so much going on in your mind that finding support and information on what your next moves need to be come first. Once you have that knowledge then you can start thinking how you are going to go about things.
You deserve to be respected, loved and wanted. First step towards that is doing it for yourself, so by making steps to improve your situation, you are looking after yourself the rest will follow.
You say that you are from a different culture, where is your family from?
Hello Anna, there is a reason i knicknamed myself a sad soul as i do feel like really sado for last year. First of all there is not just one Thai women to blame, i would like to blame at least 5.....but i do know that he is the one who should keep his stuff in his pants. I am angry with myself most of all, i did blame myself for it as well thinking if maybe i would be more affective towards him or maybe more sexy it would not happen or maybe should said if he goes to Thailand then thats it..., but what i would have appretiated from his part is not lying to me, could have told the truth, i would have hit the roof and we would have split on the very same day. I have lead myself in this torturing and agonising period which started with suspicions, i did not want to believe first, but foundings talked itself, then i was watching him and found contradictions in what he said and then i found more and more and more......and then i hurted more and more and more and i am turning into this psycho paranoid sulking feeling sorry for myself angry person, all in my head is this Thailand stuff which has nothing to do with me really, i cant change it, i never been there, never met anybody from there, it is driving me mad and i cant get it out of my head, that was why in the beginning i was asking would hypnotheraphy help me to forget it, erase it like i never new about it or it never happened, then i could function properly....like in films, go to sleep, somebody clics fingers and i wake up and i dont think about Thailand, that would be wonderful!
I said i come from differenc culture, i am eastern european child, but i am not russian (that is normally first thing which comes to ppls mind when eastern europa is mentioned, no offence), i was raised in communism so many values are different from western europa, i guess that plays a great part in the ways how i am, i have talked to my friends and during one of our discussions i mentioned that we are all scarred in the way by the system we were living in, some of them didnt agree, but then they come from different country which was not so badly affected by the system. Anyway, i am not going into that, unfrotunately i have studied a little bit of psychology in my early days (another failure, unfinished university), i guess thats why i try to analize everything and try to think of why i am like i am, why others are like they are and why they do what they do and why i do what i do....perhaps too much, it has kept me sane though, but i do not have any answers, if i might think of something about myself, well, i only can have a good guess about others.
The question is, why it is so difficult even to think that i might be able to leave him at some point? Why i feel like a looser and crying when i did not cause all this grief? He is walking around, proud and happy with himself and i hate myself for not being able to be this iron lady, i know what i should really do, but why i just cant get myself to do it? Why i keep making all these excuses, that no time, no this and no that??? Do i need a good kick up my bott? I am happy that at least here, you girls, know how to convince somebody to do something, by constant reminding.
Maybe someone could make for me a must do list,please, point by point so i can follow it? I am person of order, so i would tick jobs i have done and then i will owe you big time.......
Thanx for listening, maybe one day i will be able to look back at it and laugh how i saw a problem somwhere where it wasnt:)
Hello sadsoul, it's a long list of things and the first thing to do is information gathering so I suggested above you could contact our Legal Expert and our Money Expert just so you can find out your position.
That's an interesting point you make about us being scarred by the system we grew up in, I think there is a lot in that.
Hello, Louise. Thank you for reply. What questions i should ask legal expert and money expert, i dont have a clue. If i will start telling them about my situation i will only get them confused, so i would like to keep it short and clear, shall i ask legal advisor about my share of house and money expert about what help i could get materially?
Thanx
Yes, that is it exactly, sad soul. I agree to keep things short is a good idea when asking those questions. We are here for you to be able to offload to about your emotions. And with the money expert, do speak about your residency staus as that may affect entitlement.
Hello Louise, i am EU citizen, living in UK for last 10 years, so i am UK resident (i came to UK before my country was in EU so i have done it the old way, got the residency threw Home office, but these days it does not matter any more) although i have kept my own nationality this does not affect any of my entitlements so at least i know one thing.
Hi sadsoul, sorry to put a spanner in your works, but I think you should also be contacting the Housing expert right now too and find out what your rights are on your home too.
Hello, have not written anything for a while....fell out with my ex on saturtday again, basically i went out on friday with my friends (girls only) and he accused me on saturtday meeting 2 men, i did not have a clue what he was on about, but then today i was texting one of the girsl and read again last message se sent to me before going ou that dayt. there were 4 of us going out in total, so my friend forwarded the same message to all of us including in the end of it one sentence which was ment to other friend, she did write her name in the beginning of that sentence asking is she meeting those 2 people, obviously he read my messages and then decided to get me down asking how does it feels when somebody accusing you, i told him that the difference between me and him is that he just made it up (as i did not know where he got it from up till today) and i saw what he have said and who he contacted and at what time in thailand, i cant believe that he even tried it on me......
anyway, besides all that he is off again to see his brother to ibiza tomorrow in a morning, as usual, one way ticket. this is how much he cares about kids as well, i told them that he is going as i am fed up to stick up for him when kids ask when he is back etc, he can answer his own questions. all that triggered even more stress again, i cant eat, i cant sleep and generally feel horrible.
what i have done though, i have emailed to links louise told me to, i have made appointment later on today to see doctor to ask for counselling, if they will not send me then i will go crazy, i desperately need to clear my head which is filled with rubbish about his wherabouts and what he has done, what he is going to etc etc and i have made appontment with solicitors tomorrow to try to sort mess out i am in....i hope i will get legal aid if not then i will have to use credit card to pay bills, hope its worth it.
Liga.
Dear sadsoul, you sound extremely stressed, but can I say - WELL DONE YOU.
You are taking action and that means that you are one step closer to sorting all of this out.
I know that you find it hard that your ex is going away, but to be honest, it sounds like a good thing, you get the house to yourself and a bit of breathing space.
Good luck at doctors, counselling can take a while for a slot to become available, but it will be good to talk to him/her and find out if they have any local support they can offer you too.
Let us know how it goes.
Hi sadsoul, good to have you here. This must be so very hard on you and your kids. Being from another country with all your family far from you. Do you have any friends at all you can trust and talk to ? How old are your children ?
I found it extremely difficult when I separated from my h. Like you, all my folks are in a different country...You will be glad to know that on One Space, you will not be the odd one out.
First thing, make sure you have your passport and legal document in a safe place. Preferably with a trusted friend away from the house. You might want to have the children's passports if they have them, kept with yours too. Or at least a copy of them. And birth certificates and any other legal document.
You ought to know whom you can go to in case of emergency or in case you need someone to talk to...The Samaritan is a good contact point and depending on which part of the country you are in, there is Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) whom you can talk to 24/7. You might want to consider being careful when you are checking these out on the internet; to have another page opened in case he comes in and sees you on these websites. Would he be cross to know you have been on this site for example? There should be a History section on your pc which you can delete your search on the internet. I'm sure you know all this already.
Do you have a plan for the house sale and what stage is that at? It is a difficult situation for you and I really feel for you....Are you able to return to your own country and is he agreeable to that? Most importantly, is anyone from your family able to come over and give you moral support?
I am not sure that hypnotherapy is the answer for you...My personal opinion (for what it's worth) is that you need your own space to begin with; especially if you have been divorced since 2009. For the sake of the children as well as yours. Have you checked out all the help you can get such as Housing Benefit , Tax Credit, etc. ? Your GP can also refer you to Relate for 6 sessions of NHS counselling if you make an appointment to see her. There are lots of help out there if you get in touch.
Judging by your post; you must be feeling scared and lonely and need help to achieve some independence. It's especially hard when you have no one from "home". But just hang in there as I know that there are lots of folks here who will come and support you. When I was in your situation, I was petrified about striking out on my own. But we are always strong enough if we want to...otherwise ask yourself if you want to 'stay' with him and what future does that mean for you and the children?
Louise & Anna especially, whom I'm sure will get your post will have very good advice and will help you along. As will many others who have been through the pain and heartache that you are describing. In the mean time, take care of yourself. Try to keep your focus on the kids. Stay safe...talk tomorrow.