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Hi, I am new to this site.. I am 41 and single with no children and am worried I am running out of time to meet the right person and start a family so am considering having one baby on my own, probably through Artificial Insemmination. I am feeling very nervous and anxious about this decision though and worried if I will cope with a baby on my own.. Can anyone give any advice?
Thanks
Caroline
Hi,
Thanks for your comments.. I own my own home and have found out from my mortgage company that I can extend the term of my mortgage for a few years which would release a lump sum that i can use to help fund me bringing up the child. I have a mum that lives nearby that has said she will help me and babysit occasionally. It is a tough decision and obviously i am worried how i will cope emotionally etc.. but I would hope bringing up a child alone is no worse than in a 2 parent family where the father is maybe a bad parent eg. unemployed, drinking problems etc or the couple are rowing and unhappy.. I do have some friends locally and if I were to go ahead with it then I plan to join baby and toddler groups etc. so i can meet other mums in my area and also the baby/toddler can interact with other babies.. It is a scary and daunting decision to make on your own, but i have never wanted to settle down with the wrong person and have had other issues over the last few years which have meant i havent met anyone.
Hi Caroline,
I think, Caroline, being a bit an older mum, sometimes works as an advantage because you will be, in general, more patient with a young child and also mature enough not to regret not to be able to go out late nights dancing and feeling you miss out by having to stay home.
The first few years will be more or less totally absorbed by your baby as they are so totally dependent with many needs and schedules. A young mother can cope probably better with the sleepless nights,
it is hard to go through artificial insemination though, on you own, as you are a little bit older you might not be as fertile anymore and will you opt for the amniocentesis test as there is more probability for Down Syndrome after 34 of age ?
It can be that you will have to wait many months before you get pregnant, because Artificial Insemination does not guarantee pregnancy, but they will give you the ovulation tests so it is slightly more advantageous than just a regular couple. It can be very disappointing to get your period when you so much want your baby and having to cope with that news on your own...
once the baby is there, and you have thought of all the points that Anna pointed out, I think you will be a great mum as you are making a deliberate choice, thinking of all the pro and cons and being very prepared :)
Hello Caroline you have been given some great suggestions here and it is clear from your post that you have already spent some time thinking about the subject. I would also encourage you not to disregard fostering and/or adoption if you are not able to have your own child biologically.
Having a child (by whatever means) is a big commitment and you will be tired beyond your wildest imaginings but it will also enrich your life beyound measure and as long as you keep the emphasis on the child ie you are doing it to give a child the opportunity of a loving home and the means to grow into an independent, rounded adult then it sounds if this could be a great idea!
Hi Caroline,
there's not much I can add to what's already been said. I fell pregnant later in life, to a man I knew I didnt want to be with, and after deciding to keep my baby it took me along time to adjust to been a single parent.
I felt consumed by the stigma of been a single parent and there are times other parents do judge you at parent and toddlers, but thats their problem not mine.
I began searching for lots of research about the effects of single parenthood on children, and when you look at the facts it's all positive, and they all state it's the social, economic situation which impacts on a child most, not having two parents. This article explains more what I'm trying to say
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jul/19/children-little-affected-by-lone-parenthood
You appear to be a step ahead of where I was in that you want to be a mum and are prepared to go it alone which will make a huge difference when baby arrives.
Now, I love being a mum, it's a huge emotional roller coaster ride and when he's with his dad for a few days, as much as love being an adult and doing things such as visiting a friend of an evening (that really is a treat!) I also feel like there's a part of me missing.
I look forward to him growing up, the challenges we'll face together, the adventures we can have, travelling and camping and watching him mature into a well rounded young man (thats my hope!)
Hi Caroline, new venture makes the point of having a few days off when her child is with his father.
It is really important that you get some time to yourself, so do ensure that your mum is up for regularly commiting to offering childcare, so that you know that you will get a break.
How are you feeling after all our comments?
Hi
Thanks for all your comments. I am feeling a bit less anxious about all this now and although it is obviously still a huge thing I feel better for getting some comments. Yes my mum has said she is happy to look after the baby for a couple of hours now and again and I would have some savings from remortgaging my house so i could pay for a babysitter occasionally. I have pretty much made the decision to go ahead with is, i realise it would be hard but i think it would be worse to live with the sadness and regret of not having any children. My main dilemma now is what is best to do regarding the donor. I have made contact with a donor through a sperm donation/co-parenting website. He lives only half hour from me and sounds a reasonable person and we have arranged to meet for a chat in a couple of weeks time. He has said he is willing to have tests for STI's etc. and i believe there are other tests you can ask them to have. I would then do it through home artificial insemmination. I think it is good he lives locally as then we can try maybe twice each cycle on my fertile days. The only concern i have is that apparently known donors do actual have legal rights to the child. He says he would not want contact with the child but i worry he might change his mind later on and then i would potentially be forced to allow my child to go with a stranger to his home maybe every other weekend and i would not know if i could trust him. I cant afford my high cost of using a private clinic but i have seen in the press that the NHS are opening the first ever National Sperm Bank in October this year - there would be a cost but less than using a private clinic. The only problem with this i guess is there could be a long waiting list, and also you would not know who the donor is and what sort of person they are etc.. also there would still be quite a substantial cost involved as looking at the statistics at my age there is only a 5% chance each cycle of me falling pregnant so will still be several thousand and may take longer than using the known donor as i guess you would only do the AI once a cycle.. there is a lot to consider and it is quite worrying knowing what to do for the best.
That sounds like a lot to take into consideration and 5% is not a very high chance, there are ovulation tests that will improve your chances a little I guess you can get them at the pharmacist though Amazon has them.
Very hard decision to make as all donors can change their minds later on, I hope you can have a better feeling about what is best after you have met him, is it possible to meet more than one and choose the one that you think is best ?
Thanks Skyflower. Yes i have just bought an ovulation predictator test but i had assumed the 5% was based on people having the AI at the right fertile time each month anyway. There is another one I have been emailing also through the same donor site, he lives a bit further away but i guess it might be an idea to meet him as well. I guess hopefully i will have more idea when i actually meet him. The only worry i have with a known donor is that they have legal rights and although he says now he does not want contact he may change his mind and then i would have to possibly let him have the child every other weekend and what if he were a nutter or something and treated the child badly or tried to take them away etc as i would not know if i could trust him.. its difficult.. i will speak to the docs about the nhs one also
Hi Caroline,
you have certainly done a lot of preparation for this, and the comments |I have read so far are all very sensible. It's a difficult choice, made even harder by the donor issue. I think the risk of somebody turning out to be a complete nutter is quite remote (most people are surprisingly sane!) but as you say, the donor will have a right to access to the child as long as it is possible to establish paternity.
I would be very careful. The two people I know who did it accepted that a level of access would be possible eventually. The donors in both cases play no part in bringing up the child but are kept informed. But then they asked friends for help, so they knew each other before hand. If I was in that situation, I would really want to understand who the donor was, why were they were offering to do this, what type of person they were. I wasn't aware of the NHS service, let us know what the doctors say about it!
Is there no way you can afford the clinic's costs? That would seem to me the best possible solution if you are worried about the donor turning up 10 years down the line and demanding access...
I think you might opt to check with your doctors regarding the combination of artificial insemination and fertility drugs as well, to make your chances much higher ?
In a clinic they will use frozen specimen and I don't know how much that will affect the quality and also I found a website : www.co-parentmatch.com , it states : this website goes by country so you can click on a Quick guide to Fertility Law and type in :UK
If you donate through a clinic you would have no legal rights as a parent. However when any resulting child born through sperm donation at a clinic reaches 18 years of age he or she will have the legal right to gain information on their donor and indeed any other children born as a result of that donor.
You might just want to phone a clinic and ask these things before you make any decisions I keep my fingers crossed for you that it will work Caroline
and yes, keep your options open and meet more than one candidate, after all, as it is his genes as well, for your baby, you will want who is best for your baby to give it the best chance in life :)
That website by the way, also explains how to do home insemination, health screening and other important things
Thanks for you comments. I am starting to think it might be most sensible to go through an approved clinic. I may be able to find the money through remortgaging my property. At least then the father would have no legal rights to the child and i would know the process was being done properly and safely. I understand that the child can find out who there father is at 18, is that correct does anyone know. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday so will find out more then, it may be that i can get a certain number of treatments done on the NHS but would need to find this out as due to my age of 41 and being single it is possible i would not be eligible. A lot to think about..
I have used the mortgage calculator on my mortgage companies website and if i extend my mortgage so that it is only paid off when i am 62 instead of 53 at the moment i could extend it by £17000. That would give me £10000 to cover the cost of private clinic artificial insemmination (at my age apparently it is 5% chance each month of getting pregnant and so on average would take 10 times at £1k per time)and £7000 to help financially support me bringing up the child and cutting back to 4 days per week at work. It is a lot of money but maybe it is worth it for peace of mind. I will also find out at the doctors on thursday if i would be entitled to any free artificial insemmination at an nhs clinic under my circumstances. Apparently the child can find out at age 18 who the father is so i guess maybe that is the best thing as i would not run the risk of the father wanting to see his child all the time at a young age but at least the child would know where they came from and who their father and any half siblings were when he or she got older. The extra financial burden does both me but maybe that should not be my main priority.
meant to write it does bother me
it is the most safe option, to go through a clinic and they might be able to give you options that we haven't thought of as it is their job. It is just so costly.
In clinic there are probably more options for women over 40. Hopefully they will help you very soon. Maybe it is worth checking out where there are no waiting lists ?
It is very costly but i can extend my mortgage. I think maybe given that i should not make cost my main thing to do decide on - i think health and peace of mind are the most important thing really. If i extend the term until i am 62 then the monthly repayments are no different to now. The only thing that bothers me is that at age 18 the child only finds out the fathers name and latest known address so may not be able to find them whereas if i use a known donor that is happy to have the child locate him at 16 or 18 the child would def be able to know where they came from. Maybe i should still meet the known donor and see what he is like. Its a very difficult decision!
If you use a known donor, with at home insemination, the donor will become the legal father if you are unmarried, according to the website. To be honest, if the child is very happy with her /his life, he or she may never want to try to look for the other parent. It entirely depends on circumstances. You might be worrying over things that might never occur, though you are very right to weigh all the pro and cons....my children know their father and will never ever want to see him, other children will dearly miss a father figure....it might be once you have your baby, you will meet someone really nice that will take that role.
And nowadays with all the information and computerlinks that we have, people are so easy to find, maybe even just trying Facebook once your baby knows the name of the legal father
Thankyou Skyflower for you comments and support. I think maybe i need to take this one step at a time at the moment. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday so will find out then if i am entitled to NHS funded AI and then i have arranged to meet the potential known sperm donor on 12th sep so i guess i should still go ahead with meeting him and see what he is like. Its all so scary and daunting :-( I guess my ideal situation (although none of this is ideal as i would have preferred obviously to just have a partner/husband to have a child with or an ex i know well and trust) - but not having those things the ideal would be that i have a child alone and then meet a parter while the child is still a toddler or young child and they become the father figure and the child, if they wish to, just find out the identity of their parent at 18. It is so difficult to make these decisions alone and to know what is the best for me and the child x
Best wishes with this caroline.
You have put so much thought into it, and yes, it is hard to make decisions alone.
I hope the meeting goes well on the 12th.
Thankyou sparklinglime. I phoned the private clinic nearest where i live today and found out the costs of IUI. Apparently it is £1450 each time you try - once per cycle. That is a lot of money, if the stats are correct that say it is 5% likelihood of conceiving each cycle at my age then that could end up being about £14500 if my fertility is typical. That is a lot of money that could have been spent on things for the child like food, clothes etc I will find out from the doctor tomorrow if i am eligible for NHS funding but if not i may go with the known sperm donor. I am worried about him later wanting contact but maybe i should cross that bridge when i come to it and hopefully the court would rule that i would at least be allowed to be there when the donor has contact so i know the child wont be coming to any harm. I guess my anxieties about the donor trying to snatch or take the child away from me entirely are something i need to deal with. I think i will need to make sure the donor is willing to have an STD and health checks and have semen analysis to check his sperm is healthy and he is fertile and a genetics test. I guess i will have more idea when i meet him on the 2nd sep.
Will keep my fingers crossed for you on the 12th Caroline, you are very brave and an amazing person x
So glad you get an answer tomorrow Caroline, that is a big step forward and I hope your meeting with the first donor will give you a better idea what your next step will be, how about the other donor, will you meet him soon as well ?
I am looking on the website for the IUI and the London Women's Clinic does the natural cycle for £ 795 and the stimulated cycle for £ 1295
A friend of mine did IVF and was also an eggdonor herself for the clinic to keep the cost down; she noticed that there is a lot of cost difference between private clinics, maybe it is worth it to look at different but trustworthy clinics ?
Thanks, its on the 2nd september i will meet him. Am not sure about meeting the other one - he said he was free, but he said could i get to Cambridge to meet him. His profile said he lives in Bury St Edmunds which is only half the distance compared to Cambridge, so i was a bit confused. I said to him that i thought he lived in Bury and Cambridge is a bit far but i havent heard back from him yet. I have to think that if this is going to take several months then someone more local would be better. Also i was a little bit concerned that i saw someone with the same user name i think on another coparenting site and he said he was looking for coparenting or to be a sperm donor and lives in London..
that would worry me a bit, unless it is not the same person, I so hope you will be eligible for the NHS....
yes i just checked again and i do think it is him. I got the london thing wrong though that profile says bury st edmunds also. in his profile on that site it says he wants either coparenting or to be a sperm donor. i think the one from sudbury would be better as he seems more clear that he does not want contact whereas if the other one is looking for either coparenting or being a sperm donor then he seems more undecided and might be likely to change his mind.. yes will find out re the nhs tomorrow, that would be the best option as long as it is not a ridiculously long waiting list.
I agree that the first donor's profile sounds a lot better....
did you hear anything yet about being eligible for NHS treatment today ? we will keep fingers crossed for you
I have to say that while I guessed that it wouldn't be an easy path, there are so many considerations that I would have thought of...
Hi, i went to the doctors today and they told me that I am too old for insemmination treatment or any kind of fertility treatment through the NHS. Apparently the cut off age is either 39 years old or 40 years old.. so at 41 i have just missed it! Oh well, at least it starts to narrow down my options. The sperm donor from Sudbury has just emailed and now cant make 2nd September as he has to go to Scotland to work now and it could be anything between 1 day and 6 months he is away! He said he will email me when he returns.. so he is out of the picture now. The potential sperm donor in Bury has emailed me back again though and can meet me one evening next week - i have suggested next Wednesday. Apparently he lives in Bury and works in Cambridge so at least that clears that up. He says he has 1 child of his own and 2 donor children. I have sent him an emailing stating that i would not want him to have contact with the child and would he be ok to sign an agreement saying he agrees to that. I have also asked that he undertakes the following tests, an STD check, a check for genetics (to make sure no diseases/illnesses in his family) and a sperm analysis check to check he is fertile and his sperm is mobile. I apologised for asking him all this but thought it best to get it all out of the way before I meet him. I said i will bear the costs of the tests and agreement. He sounds quite nice and intelligent, works in IT, so if he does agree to all the above things and seems nice when i meet him he is probably a good one to go with. I have been messaging a woman of 39 i met on a forum on the Net Mums site who has done exactly what i am considering doing - she is single, met a sperm donor through a website and met with him 3 times to do AI in a hotel room and is now 6 weeks pregnant. It helps to talk to someone who knows all about it and understands. Thankyou for your comments also x
Caroline, that must have been such a blow to hear that option gone of the NHS, I am so sorry you had to hear that. That donor from Sudbury was not very honest and would have been no good as you would have wanted him to be available over some period of time. Another big blow. What a rollercoaster of emotions you are riding right now, with all this information changing by the day.
I am so glad you found the lady of 39 who has gone through a similar thing with so very positive news.....it must make you feel a little better after those blows and to maybe be able to regularly chat with her and maybe find more women that have gone through this or thinking about this, will help a lot, you can all help each other
I so feel for you xx
Dont worry its ok, i am just worrying about a lot of things at the moment. If anything it is just good to know about the NHS thing so i narrow my options down a bit as indecision can be the hardest thing sometimes. I just hope i havent left it too late already.. i wish now if i could have time again i had done all this 2 years ago as it seems fertility falls so rapidly and just 1 or 2 years makes a big difference. I really hope the sperm donor in Bury is nice. The only thing that does concern me is that he was on a different site wanting either coparenting or to be a sperm donor and so i am worried he will want contact. At least i have spelled out clearly i dont want that from the outset though (other than maybe them meeting when the child is 16 or 18) and asked him to have the tests so now i should have to hope he agrees to it. Yes it is certainly a very stressful difficult time. At least i have next week off work so i can relax a bit more as trying to cope with all this and working full time is just making me feel exhausted and wiped out! But yes it is good to have made contact with the lady on the other site who has done the same thing. She had success after just 3 times of trying so that is really good. I am 2 years older than her though.
She is 2 years younger, but it just depends how your body is, some people are very quickly pregnant, I just hope your donor can make you feel at ease, it is so important to be relaxed and concentrating and totally wanting to do this. If you worry you can limit your chances, so relax and chill out Caroline and just go for it, you can do this x
Thanks Skyflower yes i really hope this donor seems a nice person and is healthy etc and agrees to the tests and agreement. I have a holiday booked to go to Turkey for 10 days in September which is good timing as i can then relax and enjoy the sunshine and get myself feeling refreshed so hopefully i will be feeling much better to start trying to get pregnant in October time or so.. Still a big decision but fingers crossed i will be able to cope with it. Thankyou for everything, i will keep you updated x
That sounds lovely Caroline I hope you have a fab holiday and it feels so right that your donor just agrees to what you want....a lot of women get pregnant during or after holidays, sunshine a glass of wine a change of scenery I so hope it for you :) i would love to hear how you are doing thank you for that xx
i had children later in life and sometimes it is difficult, the sleepless nights and teething and when they feel sick...but then they put these little arms around your neck and look up and smile at you and it is so worth it, you will be a great mum as you are such a thoughtful person xx
Caroline I do wish you well with this venture and I think it is a great help if you get the person to sign a legal agreement. Perhaps another of your researches could be to consult a solicitor about this to find out what is best?
Hi thankyou, I still have not heard back from the sperm donor since i asked if he would sign an agreement and have tests, am getting scared that i have put him off :-( Am really starting to worry also about the effect having a child alone might have on my mental health - all the things i do now to keep my anxiety under control and feel better like going out with friends and doing exercise i would not be able to do.. I have a week off but am feeling drained and worried how i will deal with single motherhood. Really disappointed i have not heard back from the donor yet, it feels like my future course of life is depending on his response:-(
Yes, very stressful!!
Another thing I would suggest you consider is fostering and adoption, fostering can be short or long-term and adoption may be a slightly older child not a tiny baby so not quite so tying for you (as they will be at pre-school/school)
My friend's niece is gay and married to another woman and rather than them having AI the two of them have recently adopted five year old twins. They are a very happy family, althougn of course it is hectic. I think fostering can be more demanding in some ways as you make a relationship with that child and then they often move on although some people go on to adopt the child. The money side is easier though as an allowance is paid.
Thanks Louise. I would rather try for a child on my own first.. I have sent the sperm donor another email and said it would not be necessary to have a semen analysis test as he already has children and i understand he might not be comfortable with that.. but i would like him to have an STD test and a test to check there are no genetic diseases/illnesses that could be passed onto the child and to sign an agreement regarding contact with the child. I just said can he let me know what is happening and if we are still ok to meet up next week as if not i will need to find someone else. Hopefully i will hear back soon. I will consider adoption later on if i am not successful having a child on my own.. Have just been for a run so that has cleared my head a bit, i think its important i keep up with things like exercising and seeing friends now and again while i am going through all this to make sure i keep myself well x
I hope you will get your answers soon Caroline X
Have not heard back from him, think i am going to have to look on other sperm donor sites and further afield x
Let us know how you get on, Caroline.
Thankyou Louise. Have still not heard back from the donor in Bury - i think he is not happy with the tests and agreement etc. Bit disappointing.. Joined another site called Coparents.co.uk and have contacted a few. One has emailed me back today that lives in Norwich (just over an hour from me). He seems ok, the says that he thinks he should be ok with no contact as long as i give him updates and send him photos. To be honest this does concern me a bit as he may later on want contact.. however it seems to be more difficult than i first thought to find someone so maybe i need to be a bit more open to people. A lot of people on these sites dont seem to have logged on for over a month so it might be ages before they get in contact. I guess if he turns out to be a nice and responsible person and i get to know him more maybe a very small amount of contact might not turn out to be a bad thing, i guess if we develop a friendship and i feel he is resonsible and trustworthy and would look after the child well then him seeing the child occasionally would give me a little bit of a break but if i start out saying no contact and getting him to sign the agreement then at least it is up to me if and when i feel comfortable. I have gone back to him saying that i want him to have tests, sign an agreement and i want to use artificial insemmination only so will have to wait and see if i hear back from him. So many of these men on these sites seem to say natural insemmination only.. one replied to me saying natural insemmination is the only way that works for him.. i cant help but be suspicious of thes people - surely they would not mind which method if they are genuine about just wanting to help women, seems they maybe just want to find women to sleep with! Anyway guess it takes a little while to find the right person to do this with. The concern i have with this one is that he says he wants to have children which is part of why he is doing this so then seems a bit weird to have a child you have no contact with.. but am starting to lose hope at finding someone ok so maybe i need to be less fussy
Very hard Caroline. of course you want AI you don't even know these men. If you wanted it differently you could have just gone to a bar and make them none the wiser. What a difficult situation
Yes hopefully i will find the right one. To be honest i could just casually date someone as this whole donor thing is turning out to be quite difficult and complicated but then i need guarantee that i am going to be able to meet with someone on the correct fertile days each month possibly for several months and it seems a bit weird to embark on a relationship with someone purely to do that.. Hopefully i will hear back from someone who seems ok soon!
Hello again, yes I would definitely give a wide berth to anyone who says "natural only" as I agree they are probably looking for some free casual sex! And yes, you could just do that yourself and not tell the person. See how you get on with this latest possibility,and in the meantime, click here to see a helpful information website
Hi thanks Louise. I have emailed the sperm donor from Norwich a few times now and he seems ok. Has agreed to no contact just yearly updates and to have a STD and sperm count check. He says though that he is not aware you can have genetics tests - does anyone know more about this? He has told me about his family health history - apparently both his parents are in their 50s and healthy. None of his grandparents are alive anymore - 1 died from breast cancer in their 60s, one of ovarian cancer i their 70s another of a stroke in 70s and the other at 89. I am a bit worried about the prescence of breast cancer and ovarian cancer in his family. Do you know if there is increased likelihood of it being passed onto the child, that does concern me. I have a docs appointment next week so can find out more then. Apart from this he sounds ok though and no-one else who seems any good has responded to me.
Lots of places will do genetic testing but you have to be quite specific what you want them to test for, as they charge per individual possible genetic condition. There are some over the counter "kit" but I they are not particularly accurate, apparently. Just Google testing fro genetically transmitted illnesses. An interesting source of information is on Patient.co.uk.
He sounds like he's told you quite honestly about his family health history, is it worth getting more information from testing for possible genetic conditions that have obviously not manifested themselves in recent family history? Are you meeting him soon?
Good luck!
Hi Caroline, I understand you would like to see it from all angles, as you have options and choices to make....personally I think, if you loved someone, and he had some illness in his family, would you therefore opt not to have his baby, even though he was a really nice person, with many qualities ?
The medical world is so advanced and one can be screened if you are really worried about it, but from what I can see in his family, they seem to have lived a very long time and mostly, they will have had a full life, what do you think ?
Hi caroline1973 welcome to One Space
As a single parent myself to someone who would be choosing this as an option rather than an imposed necessity, my advice would be to ask yourself the following questions:
Are you in an emotional position to provide stability & security, not just for a baby but for a 7 year old or a teen?
Are you in a good financial position to provide a home, extra curricular activities, holidays? You don't need money to raise a child, but doing it on the breadline is very hard.
Do you have a strong network of friends that can support you, as raising a child alone can be a very lonely and isolating experience. Also a child needs other strong consitent adults in their life so they have someone else to turn to or lean on.
Those are the 3 questions I would be asking myself. It is a very tough job and lacking in just one of the above things can make it an even more difficult experience.
Once you have a child you realise that your life is no longer your own, the children come first. Do you feel you can offer a child everything they could need to grow into a healthy rounded adult?
Some tough questions there, does anyone else have any other things that caroline1973 might consider?