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Hi
My ex-husband and I have been separated for almost two years. We have two boys aged five and nine. When we first separated, we bothy signed a separation agreement outlining the terms of the divorce in terms of financial settlement and statement of access with the children. WE have just had decree nisi pronounced, statement of arrangements agreed by the court for access to the children and are heading towards decree absolute in May.
My ex has the marital home and I moved out with the children. the boys live with me and the original separation agreement said that my ex-husband would see the children two days after school for a couple of hours and every Friday night overnight. With an additional two night stay, one weekend per month. My ex-husbands work patterns have changed on numerous occassions and I've accommodated those. It's a shame that he sees less of the kids but the arrangements are now Saturday 3pm til 3pm Sunday and the third weekend in the month 9am Sat til 9am Monday.
I want the boys to have a good relationship with their dad and in fact, 'm a little disappointed that he' s cut down the amount of time he speands with them since we split up. I've accommodated his working hours, but I'm a nurse and can work unsociable hours, and he's never taken that into consideration.
He's now booking extra shifts in at work when he knows he's due to have the boys, and demanding he picks them up at different times and changes days yet again!! I need to work too, and I'm at the end of my tether.
I KNOW it would be bad for the kids to stop access until he can comply with the agreed times, but I feel that stating that he should stick with those times and days and if he can't - then he won't see them is now my only option!!!
Any ideas on how else I can deal with this?
It would be upsetting for the boys of course as they do have contact with him, so I wouldn't suggest stopping contact with their Dad. Your ex has got to understand that your job is just as demanding as his, and it doesn't always suit you for him to have them when he wants them. Could you get together and discuss it, or if not, perhaps a letter to him?
Thanks for your response. Unfortunately, discussions or adult negotiation doesn't seem to be on the cards. The break up was a tough one and for the first twelve months I was harassed, following me, texting, trying to control my movements etc. I've tried desperately to foster an amicable relationship between us over the past two years, for the kids sake but to no avail.
In the past, I have succumbed to his demands and contact has always been at his convenience. This can't continue indefinitely, and I really must take a stand so that he learns that all access can't be to suit him. The absolute last thing that I want to do is restrict access in any way but I'm at a loss!
Hi
Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do to make him see the children. In a way, all you're obliged to do is ensure the children are available for agreed contact time.
If he's changing things and these don't suit your arrangements, you need to say no. Easier said than done, I know.
Would he consider mediation to discuss this? If not, perhaps a letter reiterating the agreed terms can be sent, stating that due to your work pattern that it is highly unlikely that you can be flexible, but if you can be flexible you will...
Contact can be so difficult when both parents aren't committed to it. Unfortunately it is the parent with care who has to deal with it.
Sorry, our posts have crossed...
Had an awful time here too, but thankfully The Git and Gittess have now moved away so he can go to University 
I'm seven years down the road though...
Hi lisa0911
Good to hear from you but on the other hand I am sorry you have had these problems.
Mediation has been mentioned and this does mean that both parties have to remain fairly respectful as they are in the presence of a third party. If you would like to look for a local mediator, click here. You do have to pay for this service but it is a sliding scale according to means.
I often suggest writing a letter to the other parent in these cases. If you decide to do this, I suggest you skim over 50% of the issue, which is your own working pattern, and concentrate on the effect this has on the boys (just thinking I have seen a lot of separated families where one of the parents delights in causing maximum inconvenience to the other, as a matter of vindictiveness, and this applies to both men and women). It seems clear that you cannot rely on him to have the boys every time you work so you need to investigate alternative care arrangements to fall back on. As sparkling lime says, you cannot force him to have parenting time.
A letter needs to be unemotional, something along the lines of "Dear X I am aware that lately your contact times with the boys have been disrupted. Both of us have demanding jobs with flexible work requirements and it would be great if we could work together to resolve this and keep a consistent pattern of contact between you and the boys. They are sad and disappointed when they do not see you and I am sure that you miss seeing them as much. It is important for them to know when they are seeing you and I feel reluctant to risk them being hurt and let down if arrangements are not honoured. Do you think we could work out a new plan together or would you prefer to do so on neutral territory, with a mediator?" Just a suggestion!!!
Hope you can work this out, it is never easy....
Thank you so much. That's really good, sensible, clear advice from you all.
Hi lisa0911. It does seem to me that he is messing you around, as well as the boys of course. I don't have experience of any of this, as my son's sperm doner doesn't have any contact, so it's never been an issue. Please keep checking in though as others here will no doubt have some ideas for you. Sorry I couldn't help. Take care. xx