hi my name is z,
I have a daughter who is 2 and I am pregnant with a second daughter and they both have the same father. Me and the father have been on and off for 4 years and when we separated after having my first daughter, it turned nasty and when he came round to take her out for the day he decided to keep her and didn't bring her back, I had to go to court as he accused me of being an unfit mother and he had to take a drug test as I know he does cannabis, he passed the drug test but he knew how to get round it. I got a court order to say that he had to bring her back and he did. We got back together a year later after he agreed not to do cannabis any more, everything was fine and I fell pregnant again but then I found out he was doing cannabis again and he had cheated on me in the past so I ended it. His name is on the birth certificate of our first daughter and the reason why I couldn't get her back without a court order when he took her away. He has turned nasty again and wouldn't let her go to a birthday party the other week because it was his weekend to have her and it does state on the court order that we have to abide by this but that special occasions are a mutual agreement by both parents. As I am pregnant again and unfortunately he is the father I am scared that I will have no say and he will try to take her like he did with my first daughter so I am thinking of not putting him on the birth certificate and her having my surname only to protect myself and my child. Can I do this and does it have any implications I need to know about. Can he do anything to protest this? Thanks Z
Note from Moderator, i have edited out your name as we prefer that users not use there own name.
Thank you for the reply,i wasnt sure but kinda guessed and when he asks 'when are we going to sign for the birth certificate' and il have to tell him iv already done it,i know he will not take it well and proberly kick off.im always worried when my first daughter goes to stay with hi for the weekend because i know hes on cannibis and hes 90%of the time under the influence when he comes to collect her for the weekend but beause he passed the drugs test i dont have any control to decide that she goes with him even if i know hes under the influence or not,it seems unfair that he passes the drugs test which i was sure hed fail and he himself thought he would fail,he did things and took things to flush it out of his system.the whole reason for going to court was because he under the influence whislt caring for our daughter which caused him to take her and not give her back.and because hes started t get nasty again and it all seems too familiar thats why im not putting his name on the birth certificate.hes als said thats he wont be paying for her nursary fees as the child maintainance is suppose to cover that.which i didnt get as hes always paid the same amount even when she wasnt in nursary and now that she is the amount of what he gives me hasnt changed.hes just making everything confusing at the moment and more stressful for me,which i dont need but just wish i knew the answers instaed of them worrying me al the time.
Hi again. Even if he's not on the birth certificate, he can still go to court to get PR. Don't worry about anything right now, try and have the rest of the pregnancy stress free. As for the drugs test, and you honestly thinking he 'cheated' it, can the court not surprise him with another one? That would be the ideal situation wouldn't it? Worth asking the legal expert maybe?
Hi snowball26 and welcome to One Space 
Hazeleyes has already given you the information that i would suggest and that is to contact our legal expert with your questions.
Is the maintainance you get an amount that was agreed in court or by mutual agreement?
Hi sally,thanx for your message,i have asked some uestions already just waiting for reply now.the maintainance was a mutual agreement between me and father but we get our fugure from the c.s.a website.x
Hi snowball26, it sounds as though he is doing his utmost to confuse you and to control this situation.
I believe that you have to decide what you want and how you want to go about getting it. If you believe that your child is unsafe whilst with your ex, then you need to withold contact again. Not easy I know, I've been there, but your childrens safety is of the utmost importance.
I look forward to hearing what the legal expert advised, if you are happy to share the info.
He also started being nasty and said that jj couldnt go to her cousins birthday party as its his weekend with her,after getting advice from a solisitor he adviced me that we both have to comply with the court order but that special occations are to be a mutual agreement,he still did not bk down and let her go.the only reason he let her go is because i brang up that xmas is on days that she has with me,he then came back with well nxt year jj's bday is on a day that he has her and the same with my bday.i cant belive i have to feel like i have tto ask permission for a start and that i woudnt think its right that i dont see my daugher on mine or her bday.when he took her from me bk in 2010 and would not give her back is was around the time of my 23rd bday and i spent my bday in bed.i agree that special occations should be sorted so that each parent get to see them on that occation but also that the child is at the daily home at the begining.ther is so much worry and other situations surrounding my story and im worried about them all and whats going to happen when my new baby is due?
Hi snowball26, I am so sorry to read all that you are saying as it sounds soooo similar to my situation over 10 years ago now. When the court says 'by mutual agreement', that will only work if both adults are mature enough to compromise, however that is not always the case.
Have you had any support from Womens Aid?
When my ex was having the children, there was no compromise, other than him cancelling time.
However, children love to have two celebrations, and are happy to have two Christmases or two birthdays. I know that doesn't make it easier, but it can be something to plan for rather than let an ocassion be clouded with anger.
Only a thought...
Snowball update,
does anyone know how long it takes for one of the specialists to get back to me with what iv asked?me and my ex sorted out xmas contact.Which even though its not on the court order and he kicked up a fuss about our daughter going to a birthday party on one of his weekends.I agreed to it for my daughters sake.the plan was for her to spend xmas eve and half of xmas day with me,he picked her up at 2 on xmas day and ob boxing day i was acpecting her to be dropped off at bout 5ish which we agreed on weeks ago.But boxing day comes and i get missed calls off my fone from my ex whilst i was shopping and textes i read when i got back saying that his mum(who normally drops off and picks up our daughter)has had to go out because their new baby nephew is in specail care and he was sorting out a lift to drop our daughter off.I didnt understand as she wasnt due to be dropped off until tea time.then i got a out of the blue text saying he was on his way to drop her off.i texted him back saying that this was his xmas with her and he wasnt suppose to drop her off til teatime.he texted back saying that we didnt agree a time even though we did and that j was ill and she wanted her mummy,i did say to him to just drop her off as he was just making excuses up not to spend the rest of the day with her.i also said that he obveously has more important things to do.he came back with that his nephew in special care was more important than spending his xmas with his ill daughter.anyways he dropped her back and i didnt say a word as i was so angry with him for letting j down.she wasnt ill at all just very tired..my ex seems to let our daughter stay up later so she sleeps in later which aint good for her routines as she came back looking tired,drained and really moody.He just made out she was ill and makes me wonder isnt he not capable to looking after our daughter when shes ill even if she was.I later found out he just wanted to be rid of her for the rest of xmas really as he spent the rest of the day gaming with his mate and no doubt doing weed and he was at the pub getting drunk for the rest of the evening.i felt so sorry for our daughter,i felt like crying for her,i just know it wont be the first time and certainly not the last time he will let her down,weve got yrs to go and im really dissappointed in him.Hes supposed to have her new yrs eve as agreed by me for my daughters sake but im going to refuse to that now after the events on boxing day.Everytime he picks her up or drops her as well as boxing day he is always under the influence of weed and i worry to death how he looks after her.i know he smokes alot as thats the reason we parted now that were apart hes got no reason to stop or slow down.im thinking of getting in touch with my solicitor and mentioning that hes been under the influence everytime he picks her up or drops her off and see if they can arrange another drug test done but a serprise one so he dont have anytime to cheat the test.im also going to bring up that something surely can be sorted for her 3rd birthday as i know just out of spite he will refuse for her to see me on her birthday as thats a weekend he has her.it cant be right for her not be with me for at least half the day first before he has her.i will eeps checking my emails etc to see when a legal specialist will get back to me as to some advice. x
Moderator; Your post has been edited and the name of your daughter removed to protect your privacy
Hi snowball26,
I'm sorry to hear that your ex let your daughter down and went back on what he had arranged with you. I totally understand your frustration and anger. You said in your post that you are now unwilling to let him have your daughter for New Year's Eve, but I suppose I'm wondering whether this will achieve anything; you say that he says one thing and then does another. Rather than matching his behaviour, could you 'be the adult' in this situation and go through with what you have already agreed? It may not be easy, but it would indicate that you are a reponsible, consistent parent.
My ex used to keep our daughter up past her usual bedtime and then complain that she was badly behaved. He doesn't do this anymore, so I think he has learned a lesson. Perhaps, given time, your ex could begin to understand what being a father involves.
I do hear your concerns about his cannabis consumption and how this impacts on his ability to care for your daughter and I agree that this needs further consideration (and monitoring). I apologise that you have not had a response from our legal expert as yet - I am presuming that is who you have contacted. It does state above the form that it ordinarily takes five working days for someone to get back to you, but as it is holiday season I'm afraid that it will be early in the New Year when one of the team responds to your message.
Stay strong,
Mary
I do get worried sometimes,especially because hes supposed to have her over night on new yrs eve.Its a party/drinking night for him.Before we broke up I was in the middle of moving house and couldnt sleep the night before i was due to move,so i got up and started cleaning and packing more stuff.my ex was asleep along with the kids in the nxt room.it was 6in the morning and i was out of cigerettes so i decided to go up to the shop about 5mins up the road and wasnt worried about the kids as my partner was asleep in the nxt room.i went to the shops and when i got back i came threw the back gate and our dog ruby was out in the back garden and the back door was left a jar.i walked in and the downstairs loo had a used nappy on the floor.i went upstairs and my youngest daughter was up and sat infront of our bed crying to daddy who was still fast asleep,he didnt hear her get up and when she gets up she always comes into wake us up first,known now he was on weed as i didnt know and he didnt hear her at all.So she had woke up,tried to wake daddy up,went downstairs went to the toliet,opened the back door and let our dog out for a loo.she could have gone outside and threw the bk gate and out onto the road.This sort of thing goes threw my head everytime he as her over night.I always wonder if his mum takes care of her when he cant.If our daughter wakes up at 7 which is often he gets up sticks her infront of the t.v and goes bk to sleep.it winds me up.Ido not want a war as iv already been threw court and bk again and i never want to get a one over on him just out of spite,i do it for our daughter.I dont want to stoop to his level at all but for him to decide when he feels like he wants and when he dont isnt fair on our daughter and he seems to think he runs the show and that hes in charge of everything,me and when he has our daughter.I'm not going back on the court order I'm letting him have her on new yrs for our daughter but at least il know if shes with me shes cared for properly and i dont need to worry all night.I do look forward to hearing back froma legal expert as i await for them thank you for replying and giving me your input on my problems.x
Hello snowball26
It is worth having a word with his mum and seeing if she is around to help?
To help with what?x
I think Louise was refering to New Year's Eve.
Since you have made an arrangement for your ex to have your daughter, it would be good to know she was being cared for adequately if you decide to stick to what has been agreed. And perhaps a 'night off' (even if it was just spent relaxing in front of the TV) might be a tonic for you?
You'd think i wouldnt mind about him having her as it is a night off for me and i get a break but it aint that and im not a mum who thinks like that either but i dont think its the mother responibility to care for our child while he has a good time.Im afraid that he'll make out hes this father of the year and want to spend every waking day with her but then cant wait to get rid of her and make any excuses under the sun so that he can play xbox all day,then go to the nearest boozer its fair on me or her to just decide weather he feels like he wants her and i hate that and hear it all the time.I think for our daughters sake and my own sanity she will stay with me,its best to just stick to the court order for now which he will have a problem with being the way he is.As the main carer for our daughter,who cares for her daily 24/7 he cant just drop that he wants to bring her back,He messes me about saying hes on his way to drop her off and then dont turn up and says he packing her stuff up and making me wait for him when hes ready.I enjoy our daughter speaking about her dad as at least i know she enjoys being there and to be quite honest this is the first time hes started to mess up and want to drop her off early just beacuse,its new to me and our daughter but im afraid its going to have an effect on her later if he keeps doing it.I think he thinks that because boxing day isnt on the court order he can change his mind weather to drop her off on time or not,thinking of hiomself and for him to pretend and say shes ill,she wants her mummy,that made me even more angry that he lied just to get rid of her.Ieven asked our daughter when she got back if she felt ok,she was happy bit tired and running around playing.but that is ill to him.not fair on her at all.
I agree, and totally understand what you're saying.
I personally think its really sad that even with a court order that the non-resident parent can still choose not to see the child/ren unless it suits them.
I understand what you're saying too, snowball. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
I hope you & your daughter are having a lovely, peaceful New Year's Eve together.
New question here.i dont want the fathers name on the birth certificate but i want my new baby to have the same surname as my youngest daughter is that possible to do or not.my daughters surname is with my surname and the fathers surname.Any advice here?
Sorry snowball, i think this is a question for our Legal Expert, let us know what you find out as it maybe useful for one of our other users.
I would ask a legal expert but I still havnt heard back from them since i joined at the begining of december.Is there a certain place i have to look,whre would they send there reply?i may have got a reply and not even known.x
Hi snowball, I am sorry to read that you haven't had a response from our Legal Expert, I shall look into it and get back to you.
Hi z. Congratulations on your pregnancy. As you're not married, then you don't have to put the mans name on the birth certificate. He wouldn't know when you'd register the birth, and he'd have to be there, in order for his name to go on it. As for him doing anything about it, I'm not sure on this one. Click here, and contact the legal experts, who'll be able to give you advice.