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Hi, I've just joined this group and love all the support that I can see happening on here 
I'm a single parent to two pre-teen girls and work full-time. I've been a single parent since 2005 after my now ex-husband decided to go off with a family friend. Sounds devastating but in fact she did me a favour. We were married for 8 years and the relationship was very emotionally abusive and being old fashioned enough to stick to my marriage vows I could see no way out; so when he broke our vows I was given my freedom. The abuse ranged from not being allowed friends or going out without him unless it was shopping, even then he followed me once.... to being the sole wage earner and carer of our two daughters. I have never been in a relationship since and only have one person who insists I call her a friend as I find it hard to trust people.
My daughters were 3.5 and 5 when we separated. I first tried to live close enough to him so that he could see the girls and participate in their upbringing - unfortunately that didn't work, he hardly had them over night, would have them after school whilst I worked but would leave them in front of the TV whilst he was on the computer (or in one instance in bed with his girlfriend - my daughter walked in on them!) and he spread rumours to people we knew that I had stolen from him. In the end I moved home (360 miles away from him 
) and gained the support of my mum who has since helped me raise my girls. My daughters are now 11 and 13 (next month).
Now this is where I get to the reason I found this website - my 13yr old is a godsend, my best friend and the light of my life - yes she's moody occasionally as all pre-teens are but we are like peas in a pod and get on really well. The problem comes with my 11yr old - she has always had emotional attachment issues which 'professionals' have said stems from the divorce and not having a father figure in her life. I've managed her behaviour as best as possible over the years but find now that she is getting to pre-teen years she is getting harder to like (which I hate saying because I love her unconditionally). She is very controlling (to the extent that in the mornings she insists I pull her quilt back (only when she's ready) and stand holding her dressing gown for her to step into!). Now you may ask why I put up with this attitude, well I've found its easier first thing in the morning when you're battling to get them ready for school just to go along with it rather than end up dealing with a tantrum and being late for school/work. I was diagnosed with clinical depression some years ago but have only recently begun counselling to learn coping techniques. One of the things that I have come to realise is just how 'under the thumb' my 11yr old has me. I am trying techniques to instill some discipline into her but both my mother and I wonder if she's 'not right' - she is extremely possessive of me, competitive over me with my 13yr old, clingy, very routine orientated and has tantrums two to three times a week. Trying to change her behaviour after all this time of letting her get away with it is proving extremely hard. This behaviour is completely absent at school or her grandma's house which leads me to believe I'm not being strict enough.
So.... any help or guidance would be much appreciated! My medication only works so much before I want to go on strike and pretend I'm not a parent anymore!
Thanks for 'listening' 
Hi madHatter
Iv not got to much advice to offer but wanted to just say hi really.
You will find some great support on here, when I get an issue with one of my kids I try to spend a bot more time with them on their own( for me that can be just 30 mins if I'm lucky)
Sorry got no more to add but welcome ;)
Hi MadHatter and welcome. Yes, there is indeed help and support here and we can hold your hand as we go along. Anna has given you some brilliant starting points but I just wanted to add
1. Do not expect wonderful improvements overnight. When behaviour has become entrenched, it takes a while to change it
2. Please don't blame yourself for "not being strict enough" That's not what it is about. The attachment issues you have been told about, they mean that there is a certain dynamic between the two of you and the only way your daughter has found to cope with her feelings is to develop these rituals and almost to "punish" the one she loves best in the world, ie you.
As for loving children and not liking them, I think every parent of a pre-teen/teen has been through that. Sometimes I think we deserve huge shiny medals and giant haloes
Stay with us, keep talking, I would love us to help and support you
hi mh,
your relationship sounds very much like mine, i have 2 daughters too. theyre still young.
if ur youngest isnt behaving like this for school/gran then shes just got into a habit of treating u like this and u have got into a habit of appeasing her (which i do myself!!)
breaking this circle of behaviour isnt easy, but maybe shes old enuf for a real grown up chat?? take her out for lunch, just u and her, and tell her how u feel and how things will now change , tell her things u will do to help her in morning and things u wont do because shes a 'young adult' now- she mite like it if she feels like she is being treated like a a little adult?
maybe once her beahviour changes for the better u can reward her with little treats, things she likes, small steps!!
good luck x
Great post, chocolate81 
Hi Anna, thanks for your reply. I agree with u that she seems to b in pain - she finds it very hard to express herself verbally and subsequently gets very frustrated; I've started to get her to write down what she is feeling so we can then discuss it calmly, which helps to calm her down from her initial outburst.
Her relationship with her sister is very close but also very competitive. if I cuddle my oldest she has to have a cuddle next, if I hold my oldest's hand she has to hold my hand instead, she will check I haven't served more food to her sister than her, she has always got to be next to me, I.e sitting on the sofa, sitting in restaurants, on the bus, walking down the street etc. I recognise she is very insecure and always tell both of them I love them, always hug them and kiss them, but she doesn't seem to believe I love her as much as her sister.
I've started doing the Freedom programme, which is amazing, and has made me realise I've swapped one bullying relationship with my ex for another with my daughter. It's definitely time for me to have a say in MY life, starting now.
I've been thinking of taking her to counselling to help her sort through her anxiety - the counselling service I have used is fantastic and they have a children and families section. What I don't want her to think is that there is something wrong with her if I do take her.....
Hi Imdoingthis, thanks for your post - it's lovely to know I'm not alone. Thanks for your advice - I am going to try and get some one on one time in with her, at the moment we do everything as a group and she is always battling to be first against her sister, even though her sister is actually very amenable and in fact a total opposite to her sister!
Hi Louise, thanks for your reply :-)
i feel like this website is one big hug! I agree that my daughter has developed her routines as a way of proving she has some control in her life - I just wish she was more content and secure in her place in our little family. She also has a fear of growing up which I think stems from a fear that if she gets older then so do I which will eventually mean I will die, bless her heart, sniff......
Hi chocolate81 :-)
yr right when u say I've got into the habit of appeasing her, ever since she was a newborn I would answer her cries straight away so she wouldn't disturb her sister who was only 18mths when she was born.....
Thanks for the tip about sitting down with her for a grown up chat, I think that a very good idea and will definitely give that a go.
x
Your welcome MadHatter
I think you need approach the situation gently and kindley but with firm hand, in my opinion I think you should fistly figure out some small changes you wish to make as regard to your daughter eg not holding out her dressing gown
Then I think you need to talk to your daughter and tell her the changes your making and simply this is how things are going to change.
I would then take time out with just her so counteract the changes with a few positives for you both to enjoy, a shopping trip etc
Take care not to push out your other daughter she will need you just as much
It's hard to take the competition out of sibling rivalry but that's what's needed here, you need to completely play down any attention fighting,you have two hands one each, two sides one each for a cuddle etc don't make a big fuss of any battle for attention.
If she quietly cuddles you not in competition then you should indulge her in some reassurance.
I don't think your already to far away from were you want to be, you sound like your in tune with your children so well done and good luck x
Some great ideas here
Hi MadHatter, lots of hugs and support here for you!
You mentioned in your very first message "my 13yr old is a godsend, my best friend and the light of my life" and I can imagine that that is a very hard for your youngest to keep up with. My brother was (and still is) my mums blue eyed boy and however much she 'loves us all the same' I know that she adores being with him and I just don't give her the same satisfaction!!
You might be interested in our Temperment article, you could probably gain more insight into this from a parenting programme, but this could be a taster! It will help you identify the positives of your younger daughter that you can then pass on to her during your Special Time where you can enhance your relationship and build her self esteem.
It is great that you are asking her to write things down and that she is able to do this, it shows that you are listening and she will feel heard.
I wonder if you could try and build on 'your' relationship using the suggestions from everyone above, before you embark down the counselling route?
My last point is that there have been a lot of suggestions, so rather than bombard your youngest with all of the ideas, come up with a couple and try them every day for a week or two first. ie Tell her 2 things about her that you like every day and give her a cuddle when she is not expecting it. However also have your boundaries in place. You will stay in her room as she wakes herself up, but you will not hold her dressing gown for her. These can shift as and when they need to, but try and be consistent, so give things at least a fortnight before expecting to see any differences.
One of my favourite mantras, to be repeated over and over again, before during and after dealing with difficult situations! (With emphasis on different aspects of the sentence!!)
"I am in control of my life"
"I am in control of my life"
"I am in control of my life"
"I am in control of my life"
Look forward to hearing how you are going to start tackling this
Hi
I think you are a great mother. You have done well for your child. I think when she cross her teenage perioud she realise you. you can want to support from your elder daughter. Don't worried we all are always with you. God bless you & your Daughters.
Thank you
Hi again Mad Hatter, I have just moved this message from the Your Story thread into your own thread, so that we can offer you individual support.
I am so glad you have found us as we can help you deal with your youngest before she gets too old for this to affect the rest of her life.
You are absolutely right, the fact that your daughter behaves herself at school and at her grandma's does mean that this is about you and her - your relationship and you are the only one that can change this.
Here is a Point to Ponder that I have tweeted this morning:
Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children that tread on their toes
I think your daughter is in a lot of pain and doesn't want to be like this, what is her relationship like with her older sister?
I think it is important that before you tackle this head on that you have a tried and tested strategy with extra support in place, ie, your mum or a friend who you can turn to when you need encouragement or someone to rant with (we are very available for that too!) You might consider doing our Assertiveness course to help you with staying strong when you tell her what you expect.
There will be tantrums, there will be resistance, however with consistency and time you can turn this around.
I am wondering if you would consider attending a local parenting programme (there might be one that runs in the evenings or on Saturdays) and also doing the Freedom Programme (click), where you can learn all about how abusive people behave and it might perhaps help you to see through her behaviour.
There is so much to say to you and I don't want to bombard you at this point as I know it takes courage to come online and share what is going on in your home, so let us know what you think of the ideas I have raised above.