Hi everyone,
My name is billiejoe and new to this site. I'm a single mum to a boy of 9 who's my world, but have find it increasingly difficult in coping with my boy's tantrums. He doesn't see his dad (his dad's choice not mine) and this has affected him especially as he's getting older. He blames himself for not seeing his dad which is so unfair. He is constantly having arguments with his friends although they seem to make up 10-15 mins after the argument. However when he knows he's done wrong he gets angry at himself and then takes it out on me. I've learnt to ignore the shouting but it's when he gets physical with me. Yes he does hit me. I've tried grounding him but it seems to make the situation worse and I'm at my wits end as to what to do. He does apologise after the event but by this time I am in floods of tears. Feel that everyone looks at me thinking that I can't control my son. I've fallen out with a very good friend over this and this was last thing I wanted. Feel so alone, just don't know what to do.
It's awful too, falling out with a friend over this. Can you not make amends or has it gone too far for that? Do you have any other friends or family to support you? Have you tried rewarding your son when he is good, lots of praise, even for the smallest thing. What is his behaviour like at school? Kids argue all the time, and are soon friends again. I used to be horrified by this behaviour, and loathed it, but over time, I've gotten used to it, as they soon forget about it. It's us, the parents, who have more trouble in dealing with it I think. I do anyway.
Hi Hazeleyes,
Thank you so much for your comments, it's nice to know that I'm not alone xx Don't get me wrong, my boy is not like it all the time. When he is good he is absolutely fantastic. He is great with little kids, a few friends and family have young children and when he's with them he is always looking after them or helping my friends/family with them i.e. getting wipes or nappies etc. Likewise when he's with other people his behaviour is brilliant. I do praise him for good work at school and at home which he loves. He hates disappointing people and that's where the problem lies as he gets angry with himself. I'm sure things will get sorted with my friend, just haven't had the opportunity of speaking with her. Just need to knuckle down and make him realise that I'm the adult and that there are going to be consequences for bad behaviour. It's gonna a be a tough road but it's got to be done.
Blimey, that's like reading about my son hehe. I have a friend, who thinks that C is my equal, another friend has totally dismissed this as ludicrous. I find myself saying to C all the time, 'I'm the adult, you're the child, what I say goes'. Of course it is hard, but the more consistant we are, the easier it should become (from what others here say anyway)hehe. I was dreading this half-term as the Easter one had its ups and downs, but I'm delighted to say, it's been fantastic, and I'll be sorry to see tomorrow come. I do hope you and your friend can sort things out between you.
I don't think any parent has it easy, whether they are single or not. Sometimes I cannot believe that my 'perfect' son has changed so much. He was an absolute angel before he started school, and I was warned that he would change, but boy oh boy, did it hit me hard. Somedays I think 'where have I gone wrong', yet deep down, I know I haven't, it's just that he is getting older, and going through different stages. Another friend has told me that it is like he is going through the teenage years now. (I just hope he doesn't go through it again, when he actually does hit those years).
I've tried giving him more responsibility, such as letting him go to corner shop on his own, (with me following close behind, hehe). It is hard, but what I've learnt on here, is that we have to let them have a bit of independance (according to age, and other factors of course).
You're certainly not on your own though.
Theres a 'chat' room here if you'd like to join us at some point. It's not 'live chat', exactly the same as this thread. There we talk about our days really, sometimes moaning of course, lol.
I'm sure we'll sort it out.
I've also said those words to my boy but I would normally end up getting a blank look. I will perserve with the situation and I will win!!! lol x
Thank you for your advice xx
That's the spirit, you will win hehe. I tell myself that everyday too!!
Hello billiejoe
You are very welcome here, 
and you have already seen that there is some great help here from other parents. It is good to know that others are going through things too and especially that Hazeleyes has helped you as her boy is a similar age.
People talk about the teenage years and yes they are very trying, as I can testify (and so can some white bits in my hair! 
) but I think that the teenage STAGE seems to start much earlier these days (lots of reasons why).
First of all, anger is absolutely the most normal and standard response from a boy your son's age whose parents have separated. The falling -out with friends and making up a few minutes later is normal too, and I am sorry you and your friend have fallen out, maybe you can learn not to be involved and to let them sort it out, that is the best suggestion I can give you on that one ...and in fact that is a big lesson for us all as they go forward into teenage years, to let them sort things out themselves as much as possible (this can be excruciating for parents!!!)
I agree that it is sad that he takes it out on you and then feels so bad that he takes it out on himself. Let me tell you that he is taking it out on you because he knows you will love him WHATEVER he does...and also he is subconsciously checking that you won't leave and reject him, as his dad did. To counterract this I would recommend loads and loads of reassurance, lots of expressions of love towards him, even though he might say this is soppy, you can say I can't help it, I am your Mum and think you are the best boy in the world.
It is also worth chatting with him and say I understand that you get really angry, what things could you do to express your anger which don't hurt people? and discuss it with him when he is rational. Invent a code word between you, I suggest a silly one, rather than one that might actually relate to the anger and make him feel bad....so instead of "crosspatch" (too near the knuckle) you could use "Shazaam" or a made up word...and when the anger starts, you get to say the code word and it stops him short and he chooses another way. The hitting is absolutely not to be tolerated. If you don't nip this in the bud now, it will be a real problem once he is bigger than you. I am sure you have taught him it is Ok to hit things (such as cushions) but not people already but worth reiterating this.
There is a fantastic book you can send for here which you can read together, the child can read it and you yourself can have a peek first so that you are privy to the strategies to be used, heh heh.
You may feel harsh setting all these boundaries up and worry that it will affect your loving relationship, but just as it is his role to rebel, so it is yours to provide the framework that will help him grow up with self-discipline and boundaries, whatever they tell you to the contrary, they love it really. Honest!
Thank you Louise,
Have started using the grounding technique twice this weekend (in the middle of one now). It's my own fault for not starting this off when he was younger but like I said to hazeleyes, I have to persevere with this so that he understands I'm the adult, not him.
Thank you xx
Oh heck don't say it is your fault, we are none of us perfect and maybe you didn't need to do it before
Hope you have a pleasant evening billiejoe. Louise, you are right about feeling harsh when we set boundaries, but I think it was Anna that said, each time she told her daughter off, she used to say sorry. I also used to do that. When I stopped, C used to say, 'aren't you going to say sorry to me now?'.
Hi billiejoe and welcome from me too!
It sounds as though your relationship with your son, isn't all bad and he is a good lad most of the time, however, he is displaying behaviour that you are not happy with and want/need to change.
I have read a brilliant paper on Parenting Sons who are 5-11 years old. It is available to buy via PayPal from the website Working with Men, for £1.75 and worth every penny.
It mentions some research that they did with some young men and here was some of the findings:
Boys respect authority...they will describe a teacher as 'good' if he/she is authoritive and doesn't take any messing around in class. It means that the child knows where they stand and what they can or can't get away with.
Whereas when asked about 'bad' teachers they will say they are inconsistent and moody. they don't know when or what will get the teacher annoyed about, what the consequences will be and if they are issued with a threat, they are unsure whether it will be carried out.
So from this we can gather that boundaries are extremely important to young males. In the booklet there are some tips that you can take on board, as well as praise and lots of pleases and thank you's it mentions that you keep requests brief and simple, ask your son to repeat them back, offer a reason for why you want him to do it and be positive, rather than 'No running' say 'We don't run in this house'
As he gets older he will also start to notice changes in tone and volume in your voice when you are telling him off, and then he can gauge how serious you are! So try and keep consistent with that. On the parenting programme that I run, we often talk about speaking in a deep, lower/quieter than usual voice when reprimanding and if you need to cry, don't let him see you, he needs you to be strong and capable of dealing with anything he throws at you (not literally
).
On the note of parenting programmes, you might be interested in attending one, of course only the best parents attend these, people who want to learn to do it better, as kids don't come with a manual! Have a read of our article on Parenting Programmes. Would you consider attending one?
Anna I have sent for that information, too!
Hi billiejoe. Welcome along to One Space. It's a terrific site, with lots of support, and we do have some laughs along the way. There's always someone too that is either in the same position, and who have already been through the stages where you're at now.
My son is 8, and I have found it has become more difficult too. The backchat, the rows, the discipline. So, you could say, I'm going through your stage!! He has also gone to hit me, I've dared him too, and he has done it, which of course escalates into a major blow up. I have found more recently to either ignore (which is hard), to put him in time out for 8 mins, which again was totally new, as he never needed this when he was younger, but the more it's done, the easier it gets, until they realise 'we' mean business. My son doesn't see his Dad either, and I've been honest with C all along as to why. He's seen him only twice, and I have to say, I'm pleased he isn't in our lives. At the moment, C is too, but time will tell I guess, when he is older.
Please do keep posting, as others will be along at some point during the day. xx