Current Affairs

You are spot-on Hopeful when you say they live in a bubble, that is precisely what they do. I guess if someone "facebooks" a teen about something then that item appears on their radar, otherwise not.

You say no 1 son always knows what's going on, has that always been the case or happened more now that he is older? My eldest has always been interested in the news but I reckon he is the unusual one...when he was 15 he went out and bought himself a DVD of "50 years of BBC news", now that is strange..Youngest doesn't give a hoot about anything outside his immediate Asda/nightclub/silly friends sphere.

I feel sad that you feel you have "done nothing right" in your parenting, I know you mentioned this on another thread the other day as well. We all want to be proud of our children and we are, but also there is something disappointing about being a parent of almost-grown children, a stage in our lives where we question what they have turned out like and wonder if we could have done anything differently, and it seems really lame to think "well at least they're not on drugs/in jail/having babies at age 13" so I understand and sympathise with your feelings.

On a practical level, I suppose generally chatting with them about current, news stuff when you sit round the table at teatime would be one way...that is what I do, although obviously I have to be careful that he doesn't think he is on Question Time. One sneaky thing I do is I pretend a topic has come up on this website and say "I need your advice from a teen point of view on XYZ" and it gives me a chance to talk about XYZ. Teens love being asked for advice.

But I reckon the main thing here is about how you feel about yourself as a parent, is that something we could have a look at with you?

I don't think that you have to have the whole nuclear family thing to teach your children what being a family is all about.  Its the togetherness, time spent with each other on a regular basis, being there for each other, showing and sharing interests etc.

You have done the best that you could in the circumstances you have faced,  a few of my friends that have older children (early- ish twenties) have all told me that they can go through this process where they can be quite self absorbed, doing things we would not like for them to be doing, then they sort of mature abit and all that stuff we have been teaching them over the years pays off.

Hopefully your monthly get togethers will help to build that sense of family.

Hi Hopeful, I just felt it was really important to acknowledge how you are feeling but also to say that I do think it is a stage in our parenting. I was really thinking yesterday after reading your post, and all the mix of emotions I have had as mine have grown older. Things I didn't want to feel, such as feeling envious of them, that they had their lives ahead of them, feeling disappointed that the bodies I had nurtured so carefully through all those childhood years were now being "spoiled" with heavy drinking sessions with a greasy kebab on the way home, and that they didn't always share my hopes and aspirations, or even my interests! In a way, it's a mini-mourning process

Also Hopeful, what have you modelled to them in terms of your marriages? You have shown them it is totally unacceptable to be treated badly and abusively and you have shown them it is possible to find love and happiness again, and what it is to lose someone you love and yet still forge ahead and live your life and be a good parent. I reckon as models go, that's a pretty good one!